Beati Pacifici
by Mezzotint
Summary: An old friend turns up when Jim Kirk least expects it and pulls him and his crew into a world of spy games, betrayal, and the secretive Federation Intelligence agency. Kirk/OFC. Please R/R, thanks!
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** My apologies for not stating this earlier- but I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

If you're reading this- thank you! Even if you don't leave a review, I appreciate your time.

**Prologue:**

The river at the bottom of the cliff had been a witness to many things- acts both cruel and kind. The creatures of this world had worshipped it as a sacred thing but also as a transporter of souls. In their language, they had called it the gateway, the judger of all acts, the cleanser of sins. It was impartial, all knowing and all consuming. It had been through wars, and had been an observer of acts of violence so great that the living would rather forget- but the river had a memory as long as it was deep. It would remember and forget all things.

Tonight though, all was peaceful.

A creature shrieked a mating call in the distance. The water rushed past the rock side, making a whispery scream itself. Three shimmering moons were reflected in the moving water, two were bright white and one was blood red. It marked the river.

But for a long while, nothing really happened.

Suddenly, a body crashed into the river. Dressed in all black, with its face covered, it fell into the water with its arms and legs extended. At impact, the body stopped moving and lay still for a moment before it began sinking into the water's depths.

A second body entered the water, with much less force. This one was smaller and more lithe. Its arms were stretched forward and its legs stretched back, the entire body almost

making a perfect line, straight into the water. This second body began to swim as soon as it was submerged and its head was moving around wildly, as if looking for something.

Beside it, a red laser beam cut through the water. It too, was searching for something.

The second figure moved quickly, pushing itself further down and away from the beam. Its legs kicked wildly but with purpose as it dove further down into the darkness.

The beam swung in the other direction, blind and unseeing but with equal purpose. It sliced through the water plants floating by with clean, swift efficiency.

The second figure held its arms out and grabbed onto something.

A limp, covered hand.

The second figure began to pull up the first but it was too heavy, the water was too strong and it was losing too much strength. But still, the figure held on.

The river knew then that both bodies were close to dying, though one was still struggling, still fighting its fate. The smaller figure fought so hard and with such violence against its death, against the dark current, that it soon grew weaker. The river seemed to sigh then, wearied by the struggle.

The body grabbed onto its limp partner, wrapping both arms around its chest and clasping its hands behind securely. It began to kick up and away from the laser but it had gone too deep.

Its movements began to slow… slow…. slow…

Both figures were still in the darkness.

And then they were gone.

**Chapter 1:**

James T. Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise for nearly two years now, ran up to the figures sprawled out on the transporter platform. They were both slim and dressed in an all black. Pools of greenish, gray water had formed around them and he could clearly see that they were drenched.

Something caught the lights above, a flash of something which made his eyes narrow and then widen slightly.

It was a small thing, really. A communicator much like his own, but shaped like an O and colored dark gray, made to resemble something like a halo. The other difference was that this communicator, the one both figures on the floor wore, he realized belatedly, was used only by officers from one organization.

"Federation Intelligence," Spock said behind him. Jim turned around to face his First Officer with an expression of shock on his face. Spock merely nodded. "I suspected this. The Admiral would not have requested participation of a flagship on a simple rescue mission, even in hostile territory."

"They were both in water when I pulled them out," Scotty spoke up behind his console. He stood up and looked at the two bodies worriedly, his brow creased. "It was a difficult thing because I think they were caught up in a current. Awful complicated to lock their signals, from my perspective."

Scotty turned to Spock and frowned, scratching his chin. When he spoke next, his accent was thick with curiosity. "If you don't mind me saying so, sir, I didn't think the Federation Intelligence group existed. Thought it was just a myth."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Though they are a secretive organization, they are clearly not myth," he said. He looked at Jim, who stared back at him evenly. They would speak about the shadowy FI after the two officers were taken care of.

A muffled groan made Jim turn back around and before he could do anything else, Dr. McCoy came rushing into the room with an assistant at his side.

The dark haired man knelt down and gently began to undo the straps around one figure's neck as his assistant did the same with the other. Officers on the rare stealth mission wore thin but strong protective head coverings, with shaded eye holes and masked breathers attached to a small tank of oxygen at the hip. It seemed the same was true for the Federation Intelligence officers on the pad but the fabric was much sturdier and made of different materials.

"Goddammit, these straps," McCoy muttered as he pulled the last strap off. "Don't they know these things can kill a person if…"

He cried out then and jumped back suddenly. Jim rushed forward and McCoy looked up at him, his features furious and dark.

"It shocked me!" he said. "These damn suits are…"

"It would seem that their suits are electrified," Spock said. McCoy glared at him.

"No shit, you green…"

"Bones…" Jim began but Spock stepped forward and studied the figure in McCoy's care.

"Doctor," Spock said calmly. "The water may have short circuited their suit systems. I doubt that the electricity is more than a weak field though, meant for communication purposes. There do not seem to be any battery systems or a grounding source."

McCoy shook his head and reached for his patient's mask again. "You could have just said it was a fluke," he muttered, shaking his head.

He gently pulled out the visibly cracked breathing mask and slowly moved it away from the figure's face. His assistant, watching carefully, began to do the same to the other body.

Water mixed with blood flowed out of the attached tube and McCoy winced.

McCoy glanced up at Jim with a grim look. "They probably have water in their tanks too. Depending on how long they were in that water…"

He didn't have to finish his sentence- the outcome was obvious.

The figure in McCoy's care, clearly a woman now, coughed suddenly, splattering blood and water over McCoy's blue uniform. To his credit, he didn't flinch but Jim took a step forward, seeming not to notice. His blue eyes were dark and incredulous.

"I can't believe this," he said, his arms falling to his side. "This isn't happening."

Spock lifted an eyebrow and looked at the captain.

"I assume you know who that officer is," Spock said. Jim nodded without looking at him.

When he didn't elaborate, Spock said nothing but carefully noted his captain's reaction. He moved closer towards McCoy on the platform and looked at the woman.

She was long limbed and had dark hair, pulled back from her pale face. She blinked slowly, clearly dazed. Her eyes were large and pale- gray in color, perhaps, he couldn't tell from his vantage point- and there was fresh and drying blood all over her face. Their suits must have been waterproof on the inside since there was no trace of water on her features.

On the left side of her face was a large, rapidly darkening wound and her neck looked like one giant bruise. There was a long scratch along one cheek and a ragged puncture mark at the side of her neck, near her jaw. Her mouth was swollen and her bottom lip was split.

She looked up at McCoy, fear cutting through the haze of pain she was clearly in, and she pushed him away.

"You're safe, we're with the Federation…" he began in a low, soothing tone but she sat up with surprisingly swiftness, her face twisting into a grimace and she held her arm- which looked to be broken- against her chest.

"Where's Daniel?" she screamed at McCoy, pushing herself back with her feet against the floor. She left a streak of river water at her feet. Her eyes were bright and shiny with panic.

"Who are you and where's Daniel?"

"Ma'am, you are on the USS Enterprise and…" McCoy began again but Jim kneeled beside him and looked into her face.

"Her name is Anna," he said firmly, looking briefly at McCoy. In a softer tone, he said, "Anna, it's Jim. You're safe. It's over. You're safe."

But there was no recognition in her eyes. Instead she only glanced at Jim and then started looking around the room again, making desperate, frightened sounds in the back of her throat as if she had no access to words anymore. They could all see it then, how scared she was and Jim frowned, holding out his hands, palms up.

"Anna, it's Jim Kirk," he said again. "Remember? Back in Iowa? It's Jimmy. Anna, you're safe now."

"Daniel!" she screamed, not hearing or not caring about the man next to her. Her eyes scanned the room wildly and she cried out when she saw the other figure on the floor a few feet away from her. A myriad of expressions fluttered across her face then- fury, fear, panic- and without warning, she launched herself at McCoy's assistant.

The assistant scrambled to his feet, startled by the sudden movement but Jim was faster.

He jumped forward on his haunches and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her arms together, pushing her down on her back firmly but gently with his body. Spock moved forward and took hold of her legs, pushing them down. Her back arched and she gritted her teeth, snarling at Jim.

She looked at him with pure hatred in her eyes and her teeth were bared in an expression of animalistic fury.

"Let me go!" Anna screamed and she cried out in pain when Jim's arm pressed against her broken limb. "I'll kill you if you hurt him! I'll kill each and every one of you!"

She bucked against Jim and he struggled to keep her down without hurting her but she was much stronger than she appeared. To his horror, she slammed the back of her head against the floor and he pushed her head down with his other hand as she snarled and cursed at him. A pool of blood began to grow beneath her hair.

He looked up at McCoy who was already holding out a hypospray filled with a sedative.

"Bones, do _something!_"

"I believe she's been drugged," Spock said, looking down at her face. His voice was strangely dispassionate despite the struggling body beneath his hands. "Her eyes are dilated and there is a puncture mark right below her jaw line."

McCoy leaned forward, and pushed her head carefully to one side with one hand as Jim leaned back.

Spock was right- her gray eyes were dilated and they were moving from left to right, scanning the room wildly but without intelligence.

"Don't touch me again, you fucking bastards!" she cried and Jim had to press down on her harder to keep her from getting up again.

"Hurry up, Doctor," Jim muttered under his breath. His eyes were fixated on her face and his lips were pressed together in a grim expression.

"Captain, if she's been drugged I can't give her a sedative now," McCoy said. "I have to get her into the medical bay for a tox…"

Suddenly, Anna gasped and her back arched, almost throwing Jim off. He felt her breath leave her beneath his arms and then she went limp. He looked down at her face and for a moment, she stared up at him, her gray eyes confused and glassy. She had the pleading gaze of a badly frightened child.

Then her eyes fluttered and closed. She lay still.

Spock frowned and McCoy leaned forward with his scanner, sweeping it above her suddenly motionless body.

For a moment, there was silence in the transporter bay.

And then McCoy was yelling into his communicator for additional support and equipment.

###

Consciousness was slow in coming.

When she was younger, she loved to go swimming. She loved the weight, the feeling of building pressure as she dove deeper and deeper into the water. When she learned how to dive as a teenager, she found that her favorite part was coming up from the depths. Slowly moving through the water, looking up at the sun or the moon growing brighter and bigger as she moved towards it.

This was a similar feeling but there was no enjoyment in it. Instead it was a struggle. She heard voices- indistinct and fuzzy. Slowly… slowly she heard words. And then fragments of sentences.

"…a year younger than me…good friend, she disappeared when we were…"

"…broken ribs, almost punctured her lungs- she took a bad beating too…"

Years ago, she had been drugged. All cadets in the Federation Intelligence program had to go through drug trials to see how well they could resist various truth serums, hallucinogens and other mind altering chemicals. She, along with the rest of her graduating class, had been able to mentally and emotionally claw themselves out of the stupor or chaos.

But this time felt different. Her responses were slower and it was difficult to think.

"…not just a drug but a poison… complete organ failure if we hadn't…"

"She's lucky we got to her in…"

"…much longer will she be out? You have to let me know when…"

"…her partner will be okay. His physical injuries were much more severe but he wasn't dosed with the same…"

_Daniel. _

Her mind snapped to at the word partner.

"Where?" she spoke but her voice sounded foreign. Dry and hoarse. She coughed suddenly, feeling a dull ache in her chest.

In the back of her mind, she registered pain and categorized it. Broken ribs- two on the left side and one on the right, broken radius and ulna, possible trauma at the back of her head.

Her face hurt too and she suspected that she looked frightful at that moment but didn't care. She was breathing and breathing meant she was alive.

Two figures, (_two heads_? _Human_?) dark against a bright light suddenly filled her vision and she realized that her eyes were open.

"Where?" she asked again. Her throat hurt something awful but she would ask for water later, once she determined where her and her partner had been taken.

"Anna, you are onboard the USS Enterprise," a male voice said from one of the dark figures above her and something inside her loosened with relief. She _was _safe then. Vaguely, she thought the voice that had spoken sounded familiar… but trying to think, to remember, was difficult.

"You and your partner were rescued from the planet designated J-311 in the Gamma quadrant, two days ago, star date 2260.199.95 at 0300 hours. We suspect hostile forces were in pursuit."

The figure leaned in and she could almost make out his features.

"Jim, it would be a miracle if she even remembered her name at this point," the other figure said gruffly. He had a lower voice, almost a growl really and it sounded a bit further away.

"FI officer or not, she probably doesn't have the capacity to make sense of _anything._ That poison was a powerful hallucinogen- there are still traces of it in her system. Come back in a couple of days and _then _tell her the star date."

Ah, two males then. One named Jim and one obviously a doctor. She was in the medical bay on the USS Enterprise.

Something about the ship's name plus the familiar voice rang alarm bells in her mind but she pushed it aside. There were more important issues at hand now.

Anna tried to lift her non-broken arm and found that she had been restrained. A sliver of panic went through her though she knew the USS Enterprise was a Federation ship. She tried to move her legs but they had been restrained too.

_Breathe. Slow and steady. I'm okay. I can move my legs and my arms so I'm not paralyzed. _

_They needed to restrain me because…_

_Because?_

"Stay still, you're going to be fine," the one with the gruff voice said. The doctor, then. "If you move, you'll tear your replicated skin."

"Where… partner?" she forced out. Her eyes began to water and she closed them briefly.

"Partner- where is he?"

She felt something on her forehead then- warm fingers gently brushed against her skin. It was a touch meant to comfort.

It was _familiar_.

"He's still sleeping," the doctor said. "He's safe, just like you are."

Then the figure named Jim said, "You should close your eyes, Anna, and get some rest."

"My name," she said, blinking. Things were beginning to come into focus now but their features were still blurry. "How... know my name?"

Silence.

"How…"

"Anna, it's Jim Kirk. I'm the captain of this ship."

She only blinked, her mind trying to go as fast as it could despite the drugs. Jim Kirk… Captain Kirk…USS Enterprise. She knew his voice, his name, his ship's name… but right now all she could think about was Daniel and her partner and that damned fucking race of…

_Jimmy?_

"S-sorry," she said, her voice becoming a whisper. It really did hurt too much to keep speaking but she went on. "I d-don't know."

"Jim, she can't…"

"Anna, we lived on Poplar street in Riverside," the voice continued. Steady but with a sense of urgency in his tone. "You moved next door to me when you were seven. I helped you climb the county water tower and you fell off and broke your leg for the first time. I came to see you in the hospital and tried to sneak you out, remember?

"When you were ten, we ran away from home and camped out near the English river and you fell in the water. You almost drowned. I taught you how to swim that day. Anna, it's Jimmy. You _have_ to remember."

She remembered a skinny blonde boy, only a few inches taller than her, with bright blue eyes and a crooked smile, telling her to climb out of her bedroom window and jump down to the ground. _I'll catch you._ She remembered sitting in a class, her heart racing with fear and dread because she was the only twelve year old in this high school and the kids around her eying her with contempt and disdain… and then relief as the blonde boy entered the class and gave her a grin. She may have been the only twelve year old but he was the only thirteen year old in their high school.

Images passed through her mind's eye and she tried to make sense of them, tried to pull out an emotional response, tried to put together facts and dates. But she was so tired. She had tried to push aside the pain in her body but it was creeping back, marring her thoughts.

"Tell m-me," she whispered. She felt her eyes growing heavy but she fought against it. Her lips hurt when she touched them together and she heard her voice, weak and slurred, stuttering over the words. "When Trig wakes up. P-please. Have to b-be okay."

The hand at her brow moved slowly and she felt herself beginning to drift. It was hypnotic, the slow gentle motion of fingertips on her skin.

"Sure thing," the man- Jim said. "Doctor McCoy here will let you know as soon as Trig wakes up."

The other man, Doctor McCoy, muttered something that sounded suspiciously like a curse word and Jim muttered something back. Their voices began to fade again and Anna felt her eyes closing again, against her will.

_No. Can't sleep. Daniel's still down there. I…_

"Failed," she whispered. "Have to go b-back. Have to get him. They t-took him."

The hand on her brow paused.

"Who?" Jim asked. "Who do you have to get back?"

"Daniel," she said. Her words were slurring together now, stuttering over certain sounds, becoming worse. "He's alive…"

"Is that another officer?" Jim asked. "We were only told of two officers. Who is…"

She heard Jim asking her more questions. Heard both men's voices mingled together in a hushed argument. She wanted to speak, to tell them how to help her, but she was sinking back into the depths, into the darkness… the light above her was fading.

And then everything went black.

###


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**Chapter 2:**

At the end of his shift, Dr. Leonard McCoy sat at his desk in his office and scrolled through the updates of his ongoing research projects from that day. His office was quiet and dimly lit, just as he liked it, and he could feel the tension from the day slowly easing away from his body. It was his ritual- some crew members and officers liked to work out in Rec Room 4 and flush out the stresses of the day through sweat, some liked to surround themselves with friends at Ten-Forward, while others like to remain in their quarters to unwind.

McCoy liked staying in his office for an hour or two after his shift. He enjoyed sipping bourbon from his favorite glass while he read through the daily reports. Liked the peace and quiet and near darkness afforded by his office.

He could almost pretend he was back on Earth; there were no windows.

He was currently looking into creating a vaccine for the Parinisti measles but was having trouble isolating the virus. It was a complicated problem and he took pleasure in having a puzzle to unravel at his leisure.

He wasn't a flamboyant genius like Jim nor was he the brilliant logistician that Spock was. He was smart though, with an almost eerie ability to observe and analyze details that others seemed to miss. He was methodical but had flashes of insight and true medical virtuosity that had helped him graduate at the top of his class in anatomical and forensic pathology.

McCoy took another sip of his bourbon and glanced up at the display in front of him. He had visuals of the entire medical bay at his fingertips. Though he trusted his staff, he liked to keep tabs on all the activities that went on when he wasn't on the floor. Like his bourbon and his office- it relaxed him to know that everything was running smoothly.

He might have been a cranky bastard but he made damn sure that no one died on his watch or anyone else's watch, if he could help it.

He almost looked back down at the PADD in his hands when his eye caught on the two inhabitants at opposite corners of his medical bay.

The first one, the man, was in a static chamber. The other one, the woman, was on a standard bed covered by a bio-sheet.

_Her name is Anna. She was... a friend._

McCoy leaned forward, studying the face of the woman, Anna, they had beamed aboard two days earlier.

McCoy knew that Jim and Spock had been frustrated in their efforts to gain more information about the two FI officers in his care. Spock had said something about a transmission from Admiral Pike followed by one from a General Bishop and tense relations between Starfleet and the Federation Intelligence but McCoy was not concerned about the whys and hows of how his patients came to be on the ship.

He had been more interested in their strange physiology.

Both she and her companion had various antibodies and chemicals in their blood that were mysteries to him. Aside from the poison they had both been dosed with, there were oddities in their systems that puzzled McCoy. He had isolated the poison and was currently running an analysis on its composition but could not seem to identify the other, seemingly harmless substances within their bodies.

Another thing: though they were both healthy and fit (almost _too _healthy, McCoy thought) they each had various healed bones and old fractures that made them seem older than their years. It was clear that both Anna and Trig, as she had called her partner during a brief moment of consciousness, lead a life of combat.

But they had been superbly healed. Neither had surface scars or sealed surgical intrusions though it was clear from the first scan that Jim had met his matches when it came to injuries. The ways in which they had been treated hinted to McCoy that these were no ordinary officers, despite the mystique of the Federation Intelligence.

He suspected, as he was sure Spock did, that one of them, if not both of his new patients held high ranks or were favored officers.

McCoy leaned back in his chair and watched the two resting bodies on different screens, deep in reflection.

McCoy had tried to access her medical files using the name Jim had given but apparently FI files were only accessible by other FI officers and even then, they had to be authorized to do so. Jim and Spock had formally submitted requests for personnel information but had been denied.

They weren't even given the _name_ of the unconscious man.

Jim had Scotty working on trying to crack the security systems without tripping up any internal alarms- Scotty had been working for two days now with no luck whatsoever.

McCoy wondered briefly if Spock knew what Jim and Scotty were up to.

Jim told him only a little bit about the woman after McCoy had gotten her cleaned and fixed up-

_She was my friend. Good friend, when we were growing up. She was a year younger than me. When I was eighteen, she disappeared. Her parents left town and I never heard from them again._

- but McCoy knew that her appearance, or rather her reappearance, in his life and on his ship had thrown him off.

_I knew she wouldn't run away from home. She wasn't the type. I thought she had died. No one said anything to me. _

_For years, I tried to find her, but she was gone._

And now here she was, nearly a decade later.

Jim hadn't said much else but his expressive face, though he had learned to control himself and his emotions throughout the years, spoke volumes. He had come into the recovery area where she lay after each of his shifts and stared, transfixed at her face, as McCoy briefed him on her status. Jim's bright blue eyes always seemed to darken when he looked at her.

McCoy had seen worry in his Captain's eyes. Worry mixed with confusion and anger.

He remembered Jim's reaction when he removed the mask from Anna's face while they were on the transporter pad. He looked as if someone had struck him. Not quite the expression that McCoy thought someone would have upon seeing an old friend. There was more there that Jim wasn't telling him.

Yes, McCoy had quite a puzzle to solve.

He tapped his fingers on the glass of bourbon, still deep in thought, when he noticed movement on the screen.

He frowned and leaned in.

Anna was waking up. Her vitals whirled next to her image and they were slowly rising as she rose to consciousness.

He considered getting up and checking on his patient but decided to watch for a few more minutes. Her actions upon waking would tell him more about her than simply questioning her would. McCoy was mildly surprised that she had woken up; the poison in her system had almost shut down all organ functions. He only just purged her system and expected that she would be out for another day or two.

Her eyes fluttered and then opened. She blinked up at the light and then turned her head to the side. Her hands clenched and then unclenched and he saw her toes wriggle under the sheet.

_She's testing out the use of her limbs and her mobility, _McCoy thought. _Fascinating._

He berated himself briefly- he was beginning to sound like Spock in his own damn mind.

She lay on the bed for a moment and then her arms crossed her chest, holding the protective sheet that covered her against her body, and sat up in one swift movement.

McCoy had had to remove her protective suit in order to perform surgery and do a comprehensive scan. The tatters of her clothing were caked in blood, water and other gunk and he had put them in a protective hazard box for later study and disposal.

She was naked underneath the bio-sheet and it seemed she knew this and acted accordingly.

Most patients waking up after surgery weren't as self-aware as Anna seemed to be. McCoy knew that the sedative he had used on her was still in her system but she displayed an awareness that belied her condition.

It had taken him hours to patch her up again and even more time for her partner. They both had severe internal and external injuries that lead McCoy to believe they had either been tortured or involved in a particularly violent struggle. Probably both.

He frowned.

Anna had already woken up once and he'd been forced to increase the dosage of her sedative. He also had to restrain her initially to prevent movement. Her partner had almost woken up too but his injuries were far more critical. McCoy needed to keep him under an induced coma in a static chamber in order to ensure that he stayed unconscious and still.

McCoy kept watching.

She looked around the room slowly, her eyes large and curious as she took in the sights. Her gaze lingered on the entrance, at the table and the scan pad next to her bed and at the screen filters surrounding her. There was a sharpness in her eyes that should not have been there; she should have been groggy and under a mental fog.

Instead McCoy could almost hear her mind working, her thoughts racing.

McCoy noted her vitals. Her heartbeat was slow and steady and there was no adrenaline spike, as most patients would usually have upon waking in a strange room.

_Fascinating._

She raised her chin then and looked up. Directly at him.

"Shit," McCoy said, sitting up and nearly knocking over his glass. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Of course she couldn't see him but it was still disconcerting to have her looking up at where the hidden visual monitors were placed within the walls. How could she have known where they were?

She seemed to stare at him for a long time, her gaze calm and her expression blank, before she finally looked away. She had the face of a doll, perfectly symmetrical and pale. But there was an unsettling quality to her features that he found disconcerting. He supposed most people would have found her to be a beautiful girl, despite the slowly fading wounds on her face. On some level, McCoy did too. But now that she was awake, there was a coldness there that he thought was odd.

She was almost… expressionless. As if her face were a blank canvas. Or maybe she simply had absolute control over herself. McCoy wondered what she was thinking then.

With one hand, she reached up and touched her face, pressing her lips together when her fingers grazed the large bruise on her cheek. She touched her lips, her brow wrinkling in thought and then the edge of her jaw.

All areas that had been treated by the skin replicator.

She sat still for a moment and swung her legs over the edge of her bed and stood up.

_Dammit! Of all the idiotic things…_

McCoy was out of his office with his med scanner in hand before he had time to watch her fall to her knees.

###

Anna Demerin clutched the sheet around her and reached up to the edge of her bed for leverage. She winced as she tried to pull herself up to her feet and felt her legs shake with the effort.

There was pain but she pushed it aside, concentrating instead on trying to stand. She knew her body was still recovering but figured she could at least stand on her own two feet without a problem. It was obvious she had figured wrong.

The room- clearly an isolated recovery area in a medical bay- seemed to spin around her and she leaned on the bed, closing her eyes and taking deep, steady breaths.

She heard steps coming from behind her and opened her eyes, ignoring the way the room seemed to lurch from side to side.

"You're getting back on that bed, you damn fool girl," a gruff voice said behind her. "You have enough sedatives in your system to knock out a Denebian whale- did you think you were going to take a stroll through the ship?"

Anna turned, still clutching the sheet to her chest, and felt her legs fail her again. Before she could fall though, a tall dark-haired man grabbed her by her arms, steadying her.

"Thank you," she said, and her voice sounded hoarse and weak. She cleared her throat and licked her lips.

The man snorted and she looked up at him, studying his face.

He looked to be only a few years older than her and had deep set hazel eyes. There was stubble on his cheeks and dark shadows under his eyes, but despite those things he was quite handsome. He wore the blue uniform of a Starfleet commanding medical officer and she glanced briefly down at the communicator on his chest before looking up at his face again.

He was looking back at her with twin expressions of concern and annoyance. With surprising gentleness he began to push her back on the bed but she resisted.

"Where's my partner?" she asked, pushing back on him slightly. The hand on her bare arm tightened but she didn't care. "What's his condition?"

The man made a noise of irritation. "He's fine and stable," he said. "And if you don't get back on that bed, I'm going to…"

"May I see him, please?"

"No. Will you just trust me when I say he's fine? Now get back up there or…"

Without another word or protest, she let him help her back on the bed. She sat up though, refusing to lie back down, and stretched her legs.

The man pulled a handheld scanner from his hipbelt and it began to whir as he passed it over her face. He tilted her head up, his touch soft but firm.

"Look up," he said, passing the scanner over her eyes. "What's your name?"

She hesitated and he pulled her chin back down.

"Did you forget your name?" he asked bluntly. "Now look down."

"Anna Demerin," she said. He continued his ministrations, moving down to her jaw and started firing questions and commands at her.

"Look to the side. You'll be a few days off but what's current stardate?"

"Now to the other side. What system is Earth in?"

"Move your right arm up, hold it steady. Good. What year was the Federation founded?"

"Now make a fist. Okay, straighten your fingers and rotate your wrist. Who is the planetary ruler of the Selcundi Drema sector."

He paused when she responded without hesitation, putting the scanner down.

"That was a trick question," he said, narrowing his eyes at her. "There are no known inhabitants in that sector."

"Is that what you've been told?" she asked, curious. She tilted her head to the side and shrugged, making sure the sheet was still in place.

"Excuse me?"

"I think it's clear that I'm coherent and that I'm aware of who I am," she said. "I'd rather not be sedated again but I'll lie here quietly, if that's what you want me to do, Doctor."

"That's exactly what I want you to do, Anna," the man said, his frown growing deeper. "I'd also like you to keep qui…"

"However," she said, watching his expression grow even darker. "I'm hoping you can answer a few questions for me."

The man took a step back and studied her, crossing his arms with his scanner still in hand. He nodded slightly.

"What vessel am I on?" she asked.

"You're on the USS Enterprise," he said. She nodded and looked at the wall behind him, considering.

"What is our current location?"

"We're in the Gamma quadrant and damned if I keep track of our exact coordinates."

"You're the Chief Medical Officer," she said slowly. Though it was not a question, he nodded.

"And you're a Federation Intelligence officer," he shot back.

She nodded, unperturbed by his curt tone.

"I thought you people were just a myth."

"Both me and my partner are safe and alive," she said, ignoring his last statement. "Because of you, Doctor…?"

"McCoy," he said. He uncrossed his arms but did not raise the scanner. "Doctor Leonard McCoy."

"How long has it been since my partner and I were rescued?" she asked.

"Two days," McCoy said. "The both of you were in critical condition. I can go over the specifics later, if you insist. And I'm pretty sure you're the type to insist."

She realized he was baiting her, waiting for a reaction but she shrugged it off. His eyes were watching her with barely concealed interest. She had no doubt that he had already taken tissue samples from her for later study.

She would have to remember to nick those before she left.

"What is our timeframe for a full recovery?" she asked. McCoy clearly had not anticipated the question and for a moment, he looked taken aback. "Have any of our injuries caused permanent damage or limited mobility?"

"If you're asking because you think you and you partner – "

"His name is Trig."

" – are going anywhere near back down to the planet where you were rescued from, then you're out of your mind."

"That decision doesn't rest with you, Doctor," she said simply. She kept her face carefully blank as she watched his reaction. His cheeks turned pink and for a moment she thought he was on the verge of yelling at her but he only shook his head and gave her a small smile.

"I can't believe you and Jim were friends," he muttered, shaking his head again. He huffed and began to scan her legs. "It may not rest with me but it sure as hell depends on the Captain."

"Only to a certain point, it does," she said quietly. "And who is the Captain?"

"Jim Kirk," he said. He looked at her as if expecting a reaction.

For a moment, Anna was still. She willed herself not to show anything on her face and continued breathing normally, calmly. She felt the Doctor's watchful eyes, observing her and she would not give him the satisfaction of seeing anything more than she would allow him to.

_It can't be._

"Jim Kirk?" she said, her voice sounded only mildly interested. "James T. Kirk? Son of Winona and George Kirk?"

"That would be the one," McCoy said, narrowing his eyes. "He said you were friends when you were both little."

"That's true but that was a long time ago," she said, looking at the scanner in his hand. She tightened her grip on the blanket and willed herself not to panic.

"He said you disappeared one day."

"I take it you and the Captain are close?" she asked.

"Close enough," McCoy said. "Just like he said the both of you once were."

"When can I speak to him?" she asked.

She saw his eyes flicker to the table on the other side of the bed and she sighed, not wanting to waste any more time.

"Doctor, by now you should know that I don't respond normally to sedatives and neither does Trig," she said sharply. "You probably had to resort to a chemical coma since his injuries were much worse than mine and he needed to be unconscious. That hypospray you're thinking about using on me will only slow me down at this point- it won't stop me from speaking or from acting later."

"Are you telling me what to…"

"You're rather young to be a CMO," she went on. "So I can only guess that you're a fast learner. Let me help you understand things a bit quicker, then. I'm on a critical, time-sensitive mission. The _childhood friendship_ I had with the Captain has nothing to do with my request to speak to him."

"Now wait just a damn…"

"So I'll stay in this bed for another few hours and keep my mouth shut if and when you tell me the Captain will meet with me," she finished.

For a moment, he only stared at her, dark eyes large and wide with shock. And then to her surprise, he began to laugh. It was a deep, throaty laugh but a true one and she felt her mouth twitch.

"I take it back," he said, rubbing his eyes with one hand. "I can see why you and Jim were friends. You both are stubborn, self-important …"

"So you'll let him know that I…"

"First of all," McCoy said, shaking his head. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes seemed brighter and Anna was fine with having his laughter directed at her. As long as she got the results she wanted.

"First of all, Captain Kirk has been itching to speak to you since the moment he saw your face so you don't have to worry about me standing in your way. Secondly, I sincerely doubt that he'd even consider letting you look out the window to see that planet again much less set foot on it. I don't think you understand but you were very close to death by the time we got you on board. That goes for your partner too. Another thirty seconds in the water Scotty fished you out of and you would have had a sheet over your face now instead of arguing with me like a damn fool.

"Finally, I've noticed how freakish your system is and believe you me, I _will_ get to the bottom of it and you _will _tell me how the hell it's possible you're awake and your partner isn't brain dead despite the trauma to his spinal cord."

"You're the most unusual doctor I've had the pleasure of meeting," she said, after a short silence. "Considering I'm here to tell you this, then I'm also fortunate to have you as my doctor."

He stopped laughing but there was still a trace of mirth in his eyes as he looked at her. He then shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Aw, Christ, fine," he said. He tapped the communicator on his chest and took a deep breath. "McCoy to Kirk. Respond please."

"Kirk here," a tired voice said. "I was just about to head down there."

"Good," McCoy said. He glanced at Anna and raised his eyebrow. "There's someone here who's very eager to speak to you."

"She's awake?" The voice sounded much less tired now. McCoy hesitated. "Bones?"

He looked at Anna, who stared back at him silently. A ghost of his earlier smile appeared.

"Yeah, Jim, she's awake," he said. He tapped his communicator again and sighed. "Are you happy now? Got any other requests you'd like me to take care of? Aside from saving you and your partner's lives, of course."

Anna looked down at herself and then lifted her chin.

"Actually, I'd prefer to speak to the Captain clothed."

###


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

Thanks so much for reading- a few folks are tracking this story so I can only hope some people are enjoying this =) And as usual, reviews aren't necessary but most welcome! I'd appreciate hearing people's dislikes/likes about this fic...

**Chapter 3:**

In the early 22nd century, shortly after the Federation was founded, a small group of the human alliance joined together to form a civilian branch of the Federation called Starfleet Intelligence. As this small group swiftly gained more power and supporters they were entrusted with foreign and domestic espionage, counter-espionage, and state security. Their purpose was to "Defend the United Federation of Planets by any means necessary." Over the years, Starfleet Intelligence created the 'actionable' arm of their agency- Federation Intelligence. This group consisted of intelligence, defense and science officers in charge of planetary field operations and followed a similar hierarchy to the former United States Army. They were usually referred to as the "by any means necessary" part of Starfleet Intelligence and most people thought that they had similar names in order to create fear, uncertainty and doubt. Most people also thought them to be the same group- with SI as a lawful front for the darker FI; they could make the case for plausible deniability when it came to morally ambiguous operations or decisions. Their chain of command demanded and enforced extreme secrecy in all aspects of service

As a military group, the FI executed key missions and campaigns and were not bound to normal ethical constraints. Any and all information they gathered was brought directly up to the highest branch within Starfleet Intelligence, and was filtered down to Starfleet and then to the Federation at large.

Because of this, relations between Starfleet Intelligence and Starfleet major were, in a word, tense. In fact, Starfleet considered Starfleet Intelligence and their military branch like a vicious guard dog- necessary but dangerous. And sometimes, more of the latter and less of the former.

FI officers were rumored to be the best and brightest minds; cadets were gathered from within and outside of Starfleet- something that rankled Starfleet major to no end. Oftentimes, both were in a race for the same recruit. The FI recruitment process was also shrouded in mystery; it was said that extensive psychological and physiological tests were done without the knowledge of a potential recruit. One had to pass three key tests in order to be considered for the FI.

As a popular saying went: No one applied to the FI, they recruited you.

And Anna was one of _them._

That one fact bothered Jim the most. That the girl he had known, the one person he had trusted the most growing up, the most constant presence in his life, had been taken from him by the darkest agency in Starfleet. He refused to believe that she had gone willingly into the FI, that she had willingly abandoned _him_ to join _them. _

It hurt too much to even consider it.

All of these factors, and others, weighed heavily on Jim Kirk as he stepped into the Medical bay.

###

When Jim reached the isolation ward, he found Anna's bed had been set to a slight reclining position. Anna was sitting up, with the sheet pooled around her waist, scanning a PADD. Her eyes were moving from left to right as she quickly clicked through the materials in her hands. McCoy stood next to her, noting readings from his tricorder and, as was his usual expression, frowning.

She wore the standard gray undershirt for patients in the med bay and the muted color made her seem washed out and colorless. Her limp black hair hung down her shoulders and a large, yellowing bruise along with various cuts and scratches marred her skin. Her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly puffy as she read from the device.

For a moment she seemed to still and though her gaze remained on the screen, she tilted her head to the side as if she had heard something in Jim's direction. She frowned, her eyes narrowing slightly, but read on.

Jim could not stop looking at her. A mess of emotions- anger, sadness, worry- fought for dominance and he latched on to the most familiar emotion.

_You disappear without a trace and now…_

_Ten years._

_Why?_

"Doctor McCoy, did you find traces of anomalous substances in Trig?" she asked, not looking up. "It says here that he lacked the chemical compound in his blood that I had and-"

McCoy sighed heavily, pressing buttons on his tricorder. "I found plenty of anomalous substances in your partner _and_ in yourself," he said. "But if you're asking if he was poisoned like you then the answer is no."

He sighed again and looked at her.

"And by the way, we made a deal. You got clothing, I called the Captain- now you're going to eat, is that clear?" he said. "And I don't want to hear another argument about not being hungry. I don't run a daycare, I'll have you know. Also, is that really your partner's name? Trig? For Christ's sake, what kind of parents name their son…"

McCoy suddenly realized that Jim was standing at the bulkhead and stopped speaking. Anna, who had been studiously ignoring McCoy's diatribe, realized that he had fallen silent. She looked up and followed his gaze to where Jim stood.

If Anna was surprised to see him, she didn't show it.

She put her PADD down and straightened her posture. Her back made a rigid line from the top of her head to her waist. A bland but polite smile graced her features and Jim recognized the expression. It was almost identical to the one she used to give adults when they had gotten in trouble as children.

It wasn't a true smile. It didn't reach her eyes.

_Not happy to see me? _

_Tough._

"How is she?" Jim asked McCoy. McCoy glanced at Anna and lifted his eyebrow. Anna seemed unfazed by the heat in Jim's voice; she only looked at him, curious.

"She's fine," McCoy said, looking back up at Jim. His dark eyes were confused and cautious. "She should stay in bed for a few more hours until the sedative completely wears off. Otherwise, she's fine."

He looked at Anna again. "But you can ask her yourself."

"Captain Kirk," she said suddenly. The politician's smile was still on her lips, seemingly respectful but lacking sincerity and Jim snorted. "I'd like to thank…"

"Cut the bullshit, Anna," he said sharply. He strode over to her bed and glared at her with all the pent up anger accumulated throughout the years. "What the hell happened to you? Where the hell have you been?"

A brief expression of surprise flitted across her face.

"Captain, I understand that past circumstances have-" she began but Jim cut her off.

"You know who I am, don't you?" he said. He watched as she swallowed and felt a wave of satisfaction run through him. He wanted to make her uncomfortable, to throw her off balance. "You remember who I am? Do you know what you did to me?"

It was the least she deserved, in his opinion.

"I know who you are," she said quietly. "After all this time, I didn't think you'd be so angry about…"

"Damn right I'm angry," Jim said. He leaned forward, towering over her but she didn't flinch or move back. It made him irrationally resentful, that he couldn't intimidate her and words come out of his mouth without thought. "Still angry, actually. You just missed it the first time around. You left without a look back, remember? Who do you think you are, to just run off without even warning me? You selfish…"

"I would have thought by now you'd be over it…"

"Jim, quit harassing my patient," McCoy cut in angrily. "Dammit, you're the Captain, not a toddler!"

"You stay out of this, Bones!" Jim retorted and McCoy glared at him.

"Pull yourself together, man," McCoy said. "You're in my territory, Captain or not. I give the orders here and I'm telling you right now, calm down!"

McCoy huffed and looked back down at his scanner. "By the way you're acting you'd barely even know you were practically haunting her bedside like a damn ghost."

Jim felt himself deflate at McCoy's words and though he had been full of righteous anger mere moments before, now he only felt foolish.

McCoy was right- he needed to get a hold of himself. Despite their past history (which he fully intended to bring up again and again), Anna was still a member of Starfleet. For all he knew she would turn around and report his behavior to the same General he had gotten into a heated discussion with the day before. Or worse, to Pike.

Jim knew that Anna and her partner were not simply officers. By the way General Bishop had spoken to him- tense and terse- it was clear that they were both on a classified mission, possibly reconnaissance and that the Federation Intelligence did not suffer inquiries from Starfleet lightly. Although he had been the one to call in the search and recover mission on J -311 through Starfleet, General Bishop refused to divulge any information about what Anna and her partner were doing on the planet and who the inhabitants were, why they were nearly dead by the time they were found or even their full names and rank. According to Jim's own research, the planet was supposed to be devoid of life. When Jim told the General that he knew who Anna was, the General was displeased, to say the least.

General Bishop had told Jim in no uncertain terms that he was to comply with any and all reasonable requests from Anna, but that she was under no obligation to tell him anything about herself, her team or her mission. Anna and her partner were to be treated with such manner and care as befitting ambassadors.

The whole discussion had rubbed Jim the wrong way. He knew how to charm the best of them and he knew how to work a crowd to his favor. He was aware of his strengths, after all, and had learned to cultivate and develop his political acumen over the past few years. Unfortunately, General Bishop was not a man to be charmed or even reasoned with. He was a man who knew what he wanted and didn't give a shit about who he ran over or threatened- Jim understood that before even the first word came out of the man's mouth. When Jim and Spock had argued (Jim argued, Spock had merely expressed a strong disinclination to comply) that Anna and her partner were on a _Starfleet_ ship and that their word was law, General Bishop had thrown regulations and codes at them so fast that it made Jim's head spin.

Even Spock, who Jim suspected had memorized the entire Starfleet Rules and Regs book, seemed impressed… and dismayed. After the meeting, Spock had told him that the rules the General had referred to dealt primarily with codes of silence and security surrounding high-risk field operations. Whatever Anna and the FI were up to was not simply intelligence gathering.

They had taken the fight up to Admiral Pike, who had not seemed surprised by the General's manner. Unfortunately, it was out of his hands. Starfleet and the Intelligence agency worked cooperatively on paper but not in 3D. According to him, whatever was going on had been cleared through some considerable pressure by the highest officers within Starfleet major and all information was on a "need to know" basis.

Jim knew that some people thought the FI was simply a story created by Starfleet Intelligence to intimidate non-Federation planets without violence. But he knew better. Whatever reputation the Intelligence agency had garnered, it had surely earned.

_You will handle my officers with kid gloves, Captain, is that clear? _

"Okay, fine," Jim said, looking briefly at McCoy. McCoy only glared at him until Jim lowered his gaze. "Okay, Bones."

"How do you feel?" he asked, looking back at Anna. His voice had softened considerably and he forced himself to assume a less threatening posture. But he could see that the damage was done.

Her eyes were bright and hard and she regarded him with a wary but calculating expression on her bruised and battered face. It looked like the face of a stranger, with only vaguely familiar features and it made him feel sick. Whoever she was to him, whatever they had been as children- Anna Demerin had clearly left it all behind.

With a heavy heart, he knew that he had ruined his first chance to reconnect with her.

"Because of Doctor McCoy's considerable skill, I'm fine," she said. She glanced at McCoy. "Doctor, would you mind leaving us for a few minutes? I've things to discuss with Captain Kirk."

McCoy looked at Jim who nodded.

"I'll be in my office," he said, narrowing his eyes at Jim. There was a warning in his voice that said more than words could. "Let me know when you're done speaking. I'll have Nurse Chapel bring up some dinner."

Before McCoy could turn to leave however, Anna grabbed his arm, forcing him to pause and turn around. For a brief moment, the cold expression on Anna's face was replaced by one of true distress.

"If Trig wakes…"

"I know, I know!" McCoy said, exasperated. "I heard you the first time you asked. I'll let you know when he wakes up."

Anna released him and he stomped off, grumbling about pushy patients and temperamental captains. Jim was tempted to smile, to share the moment with Anna but she only stared at him, clearly uninterested in sharing anything with him. She waited until the doors closed before putting the PADD to the side.

"Captain, I appreciate all you've..." she began again but Jim cut her off.

"Not a problem," he said. "We happened to be in the area so when we received the call your General Bishop sent out, we were able to be the first ones onsite."

"Nevertheless," she said. She stared at him, waiting.

"You're welcome," Jim said, after a moment. He put his hand on the edge of her bed and smiled slightly. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Have you spoken to General Bishop since that transmission?" Anna said, as if she hadn't heard him.

Jim frowned.

"I spoke with him yesterday. With my first officer, Commander Spock" Jim said. "He's quite a character, your General. Anna, I'm sorry about…"

"I'd like to request a secure comms line to him as soon as possible," she said briskly. "Also, once Trig recovers from his injuries, I'd like to request his release at the nearest star base- per your convenience, of course."

"And yourself?" Jim asked. She may have changed, the FI may have taught her to have rigid control over her reactions, but there was something in her voice, a familiar tone that caused alarms to go off in Jim's head.

She had always been a good little girl, smart and obedient, but Jim had taught her to be fearless and maybe a little reckless. He had been a bad influence on her. Horrible, really.

Perhaps some things had stuck with her.

"I'd like to take a shuttle back planet-side," she said. "I've taken the current coordinates of your ship from the computer. We're too far to use the transporter safely. I'll have the FI replace the shuttle once I…"

"No," Jim said quickly. "Absolutely not. That's out of the question."

"I expect to be fully recovered in a few days," she pushed on. "Doctor McCoy confirmed this earlier. As soon as I get a new suit, which I'm sure General Bishop can procure and have sent here, I'll be more than equipped to return to J-311 and continue my mission."

"I said no," Jim said, his voice hardening. "I don't know what you were doing on that planet but whatever it was, it almost killed you."

"I was unprepared the first time," Anna said, lifting her chin up slightly. Defiantly. "It won't happen a second time."

"No," Jim said. "I'm not changing my mind on this, Anna. Not until I know exactly what the hell is going on. I don't care that you're with Federation Intelligence- this is my ship and I'm in charge of the welfare of everyone on board. That includes you now. Letting you to return to that planet without back up and without even _knowing why_ puts your life at risk. I'm not going to allow that."

"My asking permission, Captain, was merely a formality," she said. An edge was creeping into her voice. "According to Starfleet regulation four two six five, section four, I have the right…"

"My ship, my rules," Jim said. She glared at him and he stared right back at her, unyielding. "The only way you get off this ship is if you steal a shuttle and there aren't any rules or codes that will protect you from being court martialed if you do."

"General Bishop…"

"He said to give you what you want within reason," Jim went on. "What you're asking for is not only unreasonable but suicidal."

He paused, watching her cheeks turn pink. Her hands had curled up into fists and her lips were pressed so tightly that he was sure she would re-split the wound there.

Jim knew she was furious with him and he tucked that piece of information away for later consideration. She was clearly used to giving orders and having them followed. She was used to having her requests taken seriously. Anna had never been a spoiled brat, nor had she ever acted entitled. No, the behavior she exhibited now was due to being in a position of command and power. The only reason she had asked him for permission was because she hadn't thought she would be denied.

Again, more evidence for Anna being above a simple intelligence officer.

_Scotty better crack those files soon. _

Jim understood all of this on some level. But all he could think about now was the way she had felt, lifeless in his arms covered in blood and water, two days earlier. He thought she had died. He had felt her heart skip- then literally felt it stop as he held her. Felt the breath leave her body and felt her fucking heart _stop_.

He kept thinking how unfair it was that he had found her again, only to lose her just as quickly.

He remembered how she had looked up at him and for one moment, had _seen _him. And she had been asking him to help her, to save her, the same way she used to look at him when they were kids.

So he didn't mind her glare now or the fact she was keeping him at a distance. She was alive and here and he meant to keep it that way for as long as he could.

"You do realize that once I speak with the General and our superiors at Starfleet, they'll order you to release me," she said. "And to comply with my requests."

Jim smiled at her then and shrugged.

"Sure they will," he said brightly. She looked at him as if he were crazy, and he took that moment to strike.

"Who's Daniel?"

Whatever color she had gained in anger swiftly disappeared. Her eyes widened and she looked…

She looked _afraid. _

To her credit though, Anna didn't fall apart or scream at him to mind his own business, nor did she ask how he knew that name. Jim hadn't really expected her to do any of those things because she understood that it didn't matter how he knew. All that mattered was what he planned to do with the knowledge.

"He's part of my team," she said. Her voice was even and calm though she was nearly white with shock. He watched as her fists uncurled and curled again. "He's on that planet, Jim. I have to get him back."

_You called me Jim._

_Good girl._

They stared at each other for a moment and Jim tilted his head to the side.

"General Bishop only mentioned two officers in his original transmission," Jim said. He leaned forward so that his thighs rested on the edge of her bed, and looked into her eyes. He didn't think she'd let him come closer but she looked so frail suddenly he wanted to give her some sort of comfort. "Why only two, Anna?"

"Because none of us expected Daniel to still be alive," she said. She took a deep breath and laid her hands flat out on her lap before curling them into fists. Another holdover from childhood, he noticed. She tended to get fidgety when she was nervous- she may have been able to hide it in her face and in her voice but her hands had always been a clear tell.

"He was taken. By the Tressacks- what we're currently calling the inhabitants of J-311. Daniel is part of my team so it was my responsibility to find out what happened to him. Almost all the probabilities we ran said he'd be dead."

She looked down and Jim had the feeling that she was holding something back. She was probably holding a tidal wave of information back but there was something else, with this situation specifically, that she was hiding.

"He wasn't dead though," she said in a soft voice. She took a breath then, and it sounded shaky and shallow. He suddenly remembered that she only just woken up from nearly two days of being unconscious.

_All that blood…_

"How was he taken?" Jim asked gently. "Why did they take him?"

"He was…" she began but trailed off.

She looked up at him then, and he could see she was slowly regaining control of herself. He could see the fear slowly being eclipsed behind a calm gray stare.

"I can't say any more, Captain," she said. "I won't pretend that you care about an FI officer you've never met and I won't presume that our history will have any effect on your future actions. But if it were one of your own, one of your crew- you'd do anything to get them back, wouldn't you?"

Jim said nothing but she seemed to stare at him, searching his eyes, his face for something… and when the line of her shoulders fell slightly, he knew he had been found lacking.

She shook her head and looked away, leaning back onto her bed. The color hadn't returned to her face and he realized that she must have been beyond the point of exhaustion. Even just sitting up must have taken a large amount of effort. To stay awake and alert, especially against a cranky doctor and an angry captain, pushing for information, would have pushed anyone else beyond their limit.

_Bones said he had to give her almost three times the sedatives to knock a normal person out. _

It was clear she was fighting to stay conscious, even to her own detriment.

She licked her lips and coughed again and Jim walked to the end of the bed where the replicator was on the far side of the wall. He asked for water and when it materialized, he walked back to Anna and handed her the cup.

She took it gratefully with both hands and took a sip.

"I'm sorry," Jim said. He didn't know exactly what he was apologizing for- yelling at her earlier, pushing her about her mission, her missing officer, not seeing how tired and weak she really was beneath the surface, or everything. He was angry at her; angry at himself… it was all fucked up in his head.

"About that secure comms link," she said and Jim sighed.

"Yeah, I'll clear it," he said. "But after the Gamma shift. McCoy told me a little about your speedy recovery time but I think I'll play it safe. It can't hurt to get more rest."

He watched her carefully as she seemed to struggle with herself about complaining. He waited for her to say something, to insist upon contacting General Bishop now but she only took another sip of water.

"Fine," she said, oddly subdued. Her face was blank as she stared at the wall in front of her. "But every minute I'm on this ship is a minute that my officer is down on that planet. I need to retrieve him as soon as possible."

"I understand that," Jim said. "But I'm not letting anyone on this ship risk their lives for this."

"You don't understand," she said. It may have been a trick of the light but the shadows under her eyes seemed to grow darker and her cheeks seemed hollow.

"Then why don't you tell me so I do understand, Anna," he said. He hesitated, and then reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "I want to help, but without more information, it doesn't make sense to me to allow you to go back to where you were almost killed. I'm happy to drop you and Trig off wherever else you want me to. We're about two weeks out to the nearest star base but if that's where you want to be, I'll gladly redirect our course. But I cannot, _I will not_, allow you to go back there."

It hurt when she shrugged off his touch and he drew his hand back.

"Understood, Captain," she said.

"Why don't you just call me Jim?" he said. She frowned and shook her head.

"I think it's best if I don't," she said.

He took a step back, trying to keep the anger and hurt at bay.

"Okay," he said. "That's fine too. I'll secure quarters for you by tomorrow and for your partner once he wakes up. You can take the transmission from there."

"Good," she said. She seemed to be withdrawing from him and he felt helpless against her silence.

"Get some rest, Anna," he muttered. She nodded once, silently, but did not raise her head to look at him.

He tapped her bed and then turned to leave. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What had just transpired between them- it wasn't right. They had been friends. He had always protected her, always made sure she was safe, even when he wasn't sure about his own safety. They had loved each other as only children could love- completely and without reservation.

And maybe…

He opened his eyes and shook his head.

Whatever their past, he couldn't just leave like this. Jim knew he had to make things okay between them. It was clear she didn't trust him but he hadn't exactly given her reason to believe that she could. He turned back around to face her.

"I just need to…" he began but he found that her eyes were closed. _The sedatives must have finally won. _He frowned and walked back, looking down at her face.

She still held the cup loosely in her hand, and her breathing was shallow but steady. In sleep, her face seemed younger, less guarded. He brushed back a few stray strands of her hair from her brow and smiled slightly when she huffed at his touch. In sleep, she still made the same sounds, was still that girl he had known so many years ago.

As carefully as he could, he pried the cup, still a third of the way full, from her fingers and set it down on the table. Her fingers curled in and she drew her arm, the one that had been injured, closer to her almost protectively. Jim waited a beat and then pulled the bio-sheet up to her shoulders and waited for it to warm up.

"Rest, Anna," he said softly.

###


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

My first review! And I like how it's assumed I'm a girl (I am) since I guess the majority of fanfic writers are girls. I think, anyway. In any case, thanks for the alerts...

Read on and enjoy.

**Chapter 4:**

"Anna Demerin, Starfleet Intelligence, Alpha rank, clearance code Juliet-0-5-4-Tango-Bravo-4-Zulu-Delta," Anna said clearly into the mobile receiver. She stood still, patiently waiting in front of the large communications screen in her quarters, with her hands clasped behind her back. "Request transmission line to General Bishop, Starfleet Intelligence, Alpha-double-O rank."

She had been released by Doctor McCoy only a few hours ago and one of his assistants had walked her over to her new quarters. She had studied and memorized the outline and deck maps of the Enterprise on the PADD McCoy had given her- it had been all too easy to hack into the ship's database through the device and she made a mental note to warn him the next time she caught him alone.

_Or not._ Starfleet could take care of itself and if they wanted to remain vulnerable and not run checks on their own equipment then it was of no concern to her.

But still, the Doctor had taken care of her and Trig. She wanted to return the favor.

Anna knew which deck her quarters were located and was not surprised to find herself next door to the Captain's own quarters. He wanted to keep an eye on her, which was fine. She probably would have done the same but with perhaps more subtlety. She was under no illusion that Captain Kirk wanted to keep her safe or cared about her welfare. He was angry with her, that much was obvious and he probably held the same prejudices about the FI as most Starfleet command did. He wanted her off his ship as soon as possible, but only to his own benefit.

It was also clear from their first conversation that all he wanted was information from her. She didn't hold it against him.

_He's not Jimmy. _

_Not anymore._

It was what everyone wanted, after all.

Once Anna was given her passcode and the doors had closed behind her, she wasted no time in making use of the shower. There were some places on her body that were still sore and her throat still hurt, but she was able to stand without her legs shaking and that was more than acceptable. She examined her body under the shower, ignoring its relaxing waves, and made note of the too thin limbs and her still aching ribs. That was less than acceptable- she had lost some muscle tone and too much weight over the past month.

_So worried, so scared, I'm so..._

…_DanielDanielDanielDaniel…_

She would have to take up her usual physical regime as soon as possible in order to return to her peak condition.

Someone had kindly left a week's worth of clothing in the small closet across the bathroom and she eagerly got dressed after her shower. Fortunately, the clothing did not consist of the inhibitive short skirted uniforms that she knew Starfleet major usually inflicted on female officers. She had pulled the black sweater over the waist of her trousers, noting the loose fit and bit down on the irritation she felt at herself. She hadn't glanced at the mirror to study the severity of her facial wounds; there was a part of her that had wanted to though.

Now was not the time to feel self-conscious over her appearance. She had never cared before, there was no point in doing so now.

"Secure link complete," said the soft, feminine voice of the computer. "Visual up."

True to word, General Bishop's face appeared on the screen before her. He was an older man, in his fifties, with a thick head of short, prematurely silver hair. Though his face was lined with scars and experience, there was a brightness in his light eyes that made him seem far younger than his years. He was standing behind his desk, wearing the stiff blue uniform of an FI General, and he cut a dashing line with his broad shoulders and still trim figure.

He was a handsome man, but like Anna, there was a sharpness in his face, an ever-alert, ever-watchful cast to his eyes that slightly marred his features.

"General Bishop," Anna said, standing up straight and pulling her shoulders back.

"At ease," he said, nodding slightly. His voice was hard but there was a faint softness in the way he looked at her, an easing of the shoulders and a slight turn of the mouth that betrayed his fondness for Anna. She noted this, all the familiar expressions of her advisor and felt relief pour over her.

She had missed him. Missed seeing a face she trusted.

"It's damn good to see you, Colonel," he said and this time, he smiled broadly, showing off a dazzling white smile. For those who didn't know him as well, the smile would have looked vicious and almost menacing. To Anna, it looked like home. "It's also good to see that Starfleet ships are as fast as they claim to be."

She placed her hands at her side and took a deep breath, feeling relaxed and warm for the first time in days.

"It's good to see you as well, General," she said. "I assume you called in a few favors else I wouldn't be standing here."

"They owe us, Colonel," he said, his smile was replaced by a deep frown. "They owe us for quite a few things."

"General, Trig is still under static," she said quickly. "But recovering nicely. He should awaken any moment now."

"That's good. I'm glad to hear that," the General replied. For a moment, they stared at each other as a silent conversation went on.

_It's not safe, General._

_Understood._

By using Trig's nickname, Anna was telling the General that despite the secure link, she was unsure of the fidelity of the Captain's promise. She was warning him to proceed with caution or to only divulge information that he was fine with releasing.

"I'll send over my full report of the mission including our medical records after this transmission. I'll need a Base run on the chemical the Tressacks used on me. Trig was unaffected by the substance."

The General's face darkened and Anna could easily see how her mentor could frighten and intimidate officers twice his rank. Though he seemed average-sized on the screen, she knew that he was over six feet four and used his considerable height to its full advantage. She was above the average height for most women but even she had to look up in order to face him.

"I heard about that," he said. "I'll give them to Stat to run through Base and send you the results. What do you suspect, Colonel?"

"It's not Heretic," she said slowly. She stood alone in the dark room but she knew she wasn't the only one present. "CMO McCoy, my attending doctor, was able to isolate the compound and I've asked him to give me his findings. I believe it was a level one substance."

"To prevent escape," the General said.

"Yes, sir," she said. "Unfortunately, the compound was yet unperfected for humanoid biology. Its side affects include hallucinations, paranoia and total system failure. However, I believe that its main purpose was to subdue."

_They didn't want to kill me._

_This was poorly engineered to keep me from leaving but not to kill me._

"Is Heretic on that planet, Colonel?" he asked. She almost shivered. Almost.

"Without a doubt, sir," she said. "Our assumptions were correct. J-311 is the Tressacks' main base."

Anna could see the General's eyes light up but she only stared at him grimly. She knew he wouldn't be happy for long. She took a deep breath and forced her next words out.

"Sir, Daniel is alive."

The General did not move nor did his expression change. But Anna could read the fury lying underneath his calm exterior.

"I see," he said.

Unsaid words hung between them.

"Captain Kirk refuses to allow me to continue my mission. He believes that if I go planet side, I'll die," she said. She paused. "He does not want to waste his ship's resources for a return mission. I will not ask for back up from his crew."

The General said nothing but his pale eyes bore into her.

"Sir, I'd like to return to J-311. I request permission to continue with my original orders and to gather the core members of my team," she said. "Because of several blood transfusions needed during surgery, Trig and I will both need additional medical support along with new suits and weapons."

"Colonel, you do understand what this means," he said. She noticed he ignored her request. "And the implications of Daniel's survival."

"I ran the probabilities myself, sir," she said. "I'm fully aware of the consequences."

"Are you?" he asked. "You understand what you'll need to do."

Anna felt cold.

"My orders, based on this event, are to execute and proceed with a code three operation, sir," she said, almost stiffly. "Nothing new for me. I am not compromised."

"I don't doubt you, Anna," the General said. His gaze grew soft again as he regarded her. "But I would understand if you chose not to continue. This operation…"

"You wanted the best team for this operation," she said. She rarely interrupted the General but she had to convince him, to waylay any doubts he had about her, immediately. "I have the best team, sir. With all due respect, I've not once failed to uphold an objective of a mission and I don't plan to begin now. I want to go back there, with my full team."

"This operation, Colonel, is one that _must_ succeed. At any and all costs."

"By any means necessary," she finished for him and he nodded.

"I understand this, sir," she said. "And I know what will happen if I don't succeed."

Silence.

"You nearly died, Colonel," he said. Anna winced inside- she heard the accusation in his voice.

_You failed. Why should I let you return?_

"Sir, they were expecting us," she said. "It was an ambush."

_We were betrayed. There's a leak. Otherwise, I would have succeeded._

The General narrowed his eyes. "Is that so?" he said, mildly. "I suppose it's time for a comms review, don't you think, Colonel?"

"Yes, sir," she said.

"Timeframe?"

"The past six weeks, sir."

The General nodded and looked down for a moment. Anna knew he had already set up the parameters in which all the communications channels were to be scrubbed, in his head. And she also knew he already had a short list of suspects.

"Speaking of which, I noticed activity outside of the Church last night," General Bishop said. Anna tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. Church was the codename of the FI personnel database. It had been General Bishop's brainchild and he took particular pride in it. It had layers upon layers of security and access checks; even the best hackers could not breach Church.

The FI would know- they had hired the best to create it in the first place. Every six months it was updated and relocated within their network. Anyone trying to gain access to Church would be caught, without fail.

"I see," she said. "Local teenagers trying to get into the Alpha quad?"

The General nodded. Anna smiled slightly. The Alpha quad referred to where her information was housed in Church. "Local" meant that someone on the ship, someone part of the Enterprise's young crew, was trying to gain access to her file.

"I think we should open the door to the Church slightly, just for a peek," she said. "Perhaps only to the front entrance. Let the kids think they can see the altar and then give them the hellfire sermon if they try to press on."

_I'm fine with letting them see my general information and psych eval. Anything more and we go after them. _

"You're feeling kind today, I see," the General said dryly.

"Well, I'd like the favor returned," Anna said, keeping her face straight. "Think you can manage it, sir?"

The General grinned suddenly, baring his teeth again, and nodded. He looked like a shark.

"Do you have safe passage?" he asked. He was asking if she had access to a secure link and she nodded. She had already tinkered with the device that McCoy had given her and manually changed the security settings so that no one in the ship's network, not even the Captain, could see what she was doing. She almost dared them to take it away from her- she had coded a self destruct fail safe in the PADD. Without her access codes, it would wipe itself clean.

"It will be yours within the hour," he said. "I'm assuming you'll want to see the Preacher's dossier?"

_Do you want the Captain's file?_

"And all his attendants, if it's possible," she said.

_And the files of his senior crew._

The General laughed.

"Consider it done," he said.

"Thank you, General," she said, earnestly.

"You're welcome, Colonel," he said. His face grew serious again and Anna felt herself tense. She could only guess at what was coming next. "Colonel, the Captain of the Enterprise passed along some interesting information the other day."

"Yes, sir?"

"You knew each other as children."

"Yes, sir."

There was a heavy silence and the General waited patiently. Anna knew he would stand there for hours if he needed to, just looking at her, until he got the information he needed. She had seen him in action during criminal interrogations. It was not a pleasant feeling to be the focus of his intense stare. She sighed inside and chose her next words carefully.

A dull throb began in her legs; she had been standing for too long. She ignored it.

"Jim Kirk was my next door neighbor," she said finally. "We were close childhood friends, sir. He was like an older brother to me."

"Who just happened to end up the youngest captain in Starfleet history," the General said.

"Once I left for the FI, I had no reason to look back," she said. "I hadn't realized that Jim, that _Captain Kirk_, had joined Starfleet. Nor did I make the association between him and the events of the Narada, since I was off planet. The Jim Kirk I knew… did not seem particularly enthused about Starfleet, due to circumstances regarding his parents."

The General regarded her closely and she felt uncomfortably exposed. But she trusted General Bishop, had trusted him since the first day he came and met with her to discuss a future with the Federation Intelligence. He had guided her throughout her cadet education and had gotten her choice assignments throughout her career. He had become like a second father and she knew she was fortunate to have him on her side.

"I knew who Jim Kirk was," he said, after a moment. She tried but failed to keep the surprise from showing on her face. Her fingers curled into fists. "I was also aware of how deep your relationship with him ran."

"Sir?" Her voice sounded weak and she hated herself for it. She cleared her throat and lifted her chin, trying to keep her emotions from surfacing.

"You were both being shadowed by the FI back then, Anna," he said, not unkindly. "But we decided to approach only one person. There was never any doubt that it would be you."

Anna understood that the General had his own reasons for dropping that particular piece of information on her at that moment, but she could not help but be confused. Jim, or Jimmy as she remembered him, had been the extrovert. The brash, loud, mouthy troublemaker with the genius IQ and the talent for strategy and deception, even as a teenager. She had just been his quiet sidekick. Equally as smart but not nearly as noticeable.

Or so she had thought back then.

Anna tried not to think about their former friendship. She had tried to forget her life in Iowa and she had done a fairly good job of it for nearly a decade. To try and revisit old feelings and memories, the guilt she had felt in those early years, especially _now_ when everything depended on her being focused could only lead to folly. She could examine her past later, when her future was more secure. She owed Jim Kirk an apology but she could not let herself be dragged down by mere _feelings._ Not now.

She straightened her stance and took a deep breath. She had an operation to run, one that carried all the weight of the world with it. To say it was a heavy burden was an understatement.

"You remember the three main recruitment requirements, Colonel?" the General went on. "He met only one."

She nodded. The three main requirements covered the main areas that the FI felt were most important in their officers: physical endurance, psychological balance and the authority factor. The FI were an elite, secretive force but they were also hierarchical- you needed to have the disposition to be able to follow superiors and to be loyal to your fellow officers, while staying true to the mission at hand.

Anna knew that Jim, for all his brilliance, could have never passed the last two requirements. Not back then, at least. There were many other determinants involved in the recruitment process, up to and including genetic factors, but those were the main three. If a potential recruit could not meet the standards set out for those three things, then they were rejected from consideration.

Most of the time, they didn't even know they were being considered.

"He's done well in Starfleet," the General said, still watching her carefully. "It's his place."

"And the FI is mine," Anna said. This seemed to please the General and he nodded.

"Permission to continue the mission granted. I'll take care of Starfleet and the Captain. Send me the coordinates of the nearest star base and I'll make sure your team members are there," he said. Then his gaze became critical as he studied her body. "And I'll also make sure FI med supplies are sent."

Anna almost smiled. "I'm assuming that Ven will be part of the med package?" she asked.

"Yes, Colonel, I'll make sure your favorite doctor is included," the General said, grumbling- but she knew he was teasing her.

"Thank you, sir," she said quietly.

"I hope they're feeding you," the General said. His brow wrinkled. "The slop Starfleet gives its officers is an abomination. Let me know if you don't…"

"I've been treated with the utmost respect befitting another officer," she said. She thought about her… verbal altercation with the Captain earlier but didn't let it show on her face. By the look on the General's face, he clearly did not believe her but he let it go.

"Permission to end transmission, sir," she asked, after a short silence.

"Granted," he said. He nodded once. "Watch your back out there, Colonel."

"Yes, sir."

###

"She's a _Colonel_?" Jim exclaimed, slapping his palm down on the table. He was with Spock in the senior officer's meeting room and had just reviewed the transmission video between Anna and General Bishop. Uhura had been able to set up a communications transmission between the two FI officers but had redirected the feed so that it went through the Captain's own link first. It was one way to secure the original transmission, protecting it from outside sources, but also a way to loop in the Captain without either party knowing.

Even though they had front row seats to the conversation that had just taken place, none of it had shed light on the current situation.

"Dammit, why didn't she say so in the first place?"

Spock watched as the Captain stood up straight and began pacing in front of him, with his arms behind his back. He said nothing for a moment, merely observed the tense figure in front of him. Finally, when Jim seemed to lose himself in his thoughts, Spock spoke.

"Captain, perhaps if you had asked…"

"The General wouldn't even give us her name until I told him I knew her," Jim said. "I doubt that she would have freely given me her rank if I had asked."

Jim looked at Spock and shook his head. "This means we're equals in title, Spock," he said. "And you and I both know that stealth missions force rank. If she wanted to, she could have easily called out her title and her clearance codes and I would have had to let her go back. But she didn't- she felt that protecting her title was more important."

"I disagree, Captain. She thanked the doctor for helping her," Spock said, in his steady, calm way. "It's clear she respects his title. And, as you said from your interaction yesterday, she respects your office as well. Though Federation Intelligence officers do not relinquish information freely, I believe that Colonel Demerin may not have wanted to interfere with your command."

Jim stared at him. Spock continued.

"You stated your reason for denying her request to return to J-311 as one of safety, for her welfare and for those aboard the ship. As Colonel, she would have understood your motivations and decided that the risk she was willing to take on her own was outweighed by the consequences you would have to face."

"I didn't realize you were running a psychological analysis, Spock," Jim said slowly. Spock lifted an eyebrow.

"Captain, she was your former acquaintance," he said. "This is merely a hypothesis based on observations taken from you and Doctor McCoy. Since you have a previous relationship with the Colonel, you would know best as to her motivations."

"That's just it," Jim said. "I don't know her, not anymore anyway."

He sighed heavily and pulled out a chair, almost throwing himself down in it. Spock saw that his expression was troubled. Jim rubbed at his eyes and looked down at the table.

"She literally disappeared overnight," he said, more to himself than to Spock. "One day, she was there and the next… gone. Even her parents were gone. I remember stopping by that morning and seeing their house- just empty and devoid of life. It was like they had never been there."

He ran his fingers through his hair. "I dropped out of school. I just didn't _fit _anywhere anymore. I spent years looking for her. Of course I didn't know about the Federation Intelligence. It's how they operate, right? '_Under cover of night_.' But I didn't know that back then. I thought something bad had happened… I thought I had done something to make them go away… I just…"

Jim looked up and shook his head. His handsome face was twisted in an expression of pain and confusion.

"She was the only real friend I had growing up. I mean, that sounds pathetic but I didn't exactly have the best time of it growing up. Her and her family were the only ones…"

He trailed off.

"We were both trailed back then," Jim said finally. His voice was thick with bitterness. "According to that General, the FI considered us both and they went with her instead of me. It had to have been her choice to leave. She _left_ me. But she didn't even… I thought…"

Jim fell silent. Spock looked at him and cleared his throat.

"By her account, Colonel Demerin plans to remain on the ship until we reach the nearest star base," Spock said. Jim looked back at him and saw that Spock's black eyes were almost kind as he regarded him. "I expect that she will make a formal request soon. The nearest star base is some distance away. You will have time to speak with her about less official business."

Jim looked at his first officer with no little surprise.

"Did you just give me personal advice, Commander?" he asked. The corners of his mouth twitched.

Spock looked pained. "I was only trying to direct you to the most logical path to a solution," he said.

Jim grinned and sat up.

"Thanks," he said and Spock nodded, straightening his shoulders. Jim's face grew serious and he tapped his fingers on the table.

"Now, what do you think Heretic is? And what's with that church business?"

###


	5. Interlude: General Bishop

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

Thank you for continuing to read and review!

**Interlude: General Bishop**

General M.H. Bishop had been scouring through communications transcripts for the past three hours in search of the information leak and had decided to take a break. Just a small one, enough to clear his mind and refesh his eyes.

Though he knew there were other officers who could do the work, he had promised Anna that he would take it on personally, and he was not a man who broke promises.

Bishop looked over at the PADD next to his elbow and picked it up.

_Starfleet Personnel file: Security level: HIGH_

_James Tiberius Kirk, Captain_

He enjoyed few luxuries- he didn't drink alcohol, didn't overeat, continued to pushed himself to his own physical limitations despite his age- but on occasion he allowed himself to remember the past, events that had brought great joy and happiness. Successes and triumphs.

He considered the separation of Anna Demerin and Jim Kirk to be one of his greatest coups.

His pale eyes glanced quickly at the other PADD on his desk, set to Anna's personnel file and he permitted himself to smile slightly.

She had been an extraordinary cadet, even at seventeen. She was brighter, faster, better adapted to most covert field operations than many seasoned officers twice her age. She was a natural at stealth and silence and all she had needed was a push, a chance to step out from under the thorny shadow that had been Jim Kirk.

General Bishop leaned back and read thoughtfully through Kirk's file but he was remembering a time nearly ten years ago- back to the first time he had been sent to recruit the boy. He had been a Brigadier then, and he remembered feeling excitement at the chance to choose a new Federation Intelligence recruit. It was a special assignment, a task that everyone at the FI took seriously. After all, the highly selective group prided itself on having the best officers and setting the highest standards.

The basic description his superiors had given him of the Kirk boy seemed perfect. He was highly intelligent- tested off the charts, had a high tolerance for physical pain even though he was only eighteen, and had a heroic father and a dedicated Starfleet officer for a mother.

What Bishop found instead, after only a week of surveillance and information gathering, was that Jim Kirk was a mess. The kid was a genius, sure- his college entrance scores at sixteen proved that, but he was also belligerent, uncontrollable and had an extreme aversion to authority. That last point in particular was something the FI would not tolerate.

Of course, they didn't want a drone- they needed officers who could think fast, independent of orders and superiors, but they also wanted people who wouldn't throw a punch at the first command given. They wanted recruits who could control themselves- their reactions and behavior- in stressful situations.

Jim Kirk lacked that crucial quality. He was a waste of talent. And he had serious abandonment issues that Bishop did not think the FI psychoanalysts could overcome.

Kirk's best friend, on the other hand…

Bishop could not fail to notice the girl that Kirk always seemed to be around. She was younger, but tall for her age and she was with the Kirk boy almost everywhere he went. It wasn't long before Bishop had decided to create a second surveillance line- this time for Anna Demerin.

What he found surprised him. Anna Demerin was sixteen going on seventeen, just about a year younger than Kirk, but they were both in the same advanced classes at the local university. Her test scores were just as high and she seemed to show the same creative thinking that he displayed, just with less bravado. Though lacking Kirk's brute strength, Anna was graceful and moved with perfect balance.

It was her high school records that had impressed Bishop the most. In almost all her files, her teachers had commented on the co-dependent relationship she had with Jim Kirk. They felt that her friendship with the Kirk boy, his seeming dominance over the quiet, introverted girl would stifle her personal growth. During their junior year, when school officials had threatened to separate the two teenagers, splitting up their schedules and ensuring that no contact be made between them, Jim had caused a ruckus, destroying school property and physically threatening his teachers.

Anna, on the other hand, had outwardly acted in a respectful manner. She voiced a polite disapproval of the action in the form of a letter and had gotten her parents to speak on Jim's behalf.

But…

…it was Anna who had hacked into the school files and set in motion a scandal that had led to the dismissal of the officials in question. She had only been fifteen at the time.

Of course, no one knew Anna had done anything but Bishop's trained eye could see the sloppy trail of clues the teenager had left behind in the school's network. She had her quirks, Bishop could see that, but she hid them well for her age.

It was this loyalty, combined with the talent for subtle techniques, that made Bishop determined to bring her to the FI. It wasn't long before he begun a second recruitment process.

He knew he had to tread carefully. Anna's home life was happy and stable and her parents doted on Jim Kirk. Kirk's own home was chaotic- abusive step father, runaway brother, absent mother… he naturally gravitated towards Anna's family. He often had dinner with them and seemed nearly part of the family.

However, Bishop could see that Anna's mother, a scientist at the Iowa Research Center for Disease Control was perhaps less fond of Jim than she let on. There was always that small wrinkle in her brow when she watched her only daughter go out with the unpredictable young man.

Anna herself would be difficult to overcome.

From his observations of the girl, she truly cared for Jim and tried to direct him to less destructive paths. She was dependent on him but he was equally as attached to her. Anna acted as the grounding force in Kirk's day-to-day life. Bishop could see that Kirk would quickly spiral out of control if it hadn't been for Anna's influence.

To his credit, Jim seemed to genuinely love Anna as well. He was the one who pushed her boundaries, forced her to excel in fields outside of her comfort zones. He goaded and prodded and teased until she succeeded, or even surpassed Jim. He was wilder, louder and prone to outbursts- and for some reason this behavior seemed to draw the best out of Anna.

They worked well together, against all odds they just _fit_… except Bishop could detect a hint of something more there than simple protectiveness in Jim's actions. The Kirk boy was possessive though thankfully not controlling and Bishop could see the beginnings of a possible relationship, one beyond friendship, starting to build.

A lingering touch, a soft smile, a meaningful glance- as the days and weeks passed, the signs were there and once it happened, Bishop knew he would not be able to take Anna away from Kirk's influence. It was a shame though; they did make a striking pair. They were opposites of each other: Kirk with his golden hair and bright blue eyes and rakish grin. If it weren't for his destructive streak, he could have been the prototypical hero, the handsome knight in shining armor.

Anna was the perfect contrast to the Kirk boy. Pale, with black hair and large gray eyes, there was a stillness about her that became more acute next to Kirk's wild, active spirit. Alone, she was a normal girl, albeit a bit shy around people but with Kirk, she seemed to light up. She smiled and laughed freely and she was so much more carefree.

Bishop knew he had to work with surgical precision in order to cut Jim out of her life. There was simply no room for Jim in the FI, but Bishop was sure Anna would thrive under his care.

He started with her parents.

One afternoon while Anna was in class, he stopped by the Demerin residence at the time he knew both parents would be home. Her father was a biologist with the flora/fauna society and worked odd hours. Bishop had introduced himself and once they were settled in the pleasant, airy living room, he had begun to speak to them about Anna's future.

They were skeptical of the Federation Intelligence, of course. Most civilians had never heard of the group and the ones who had were misinformed. Their fears seemed to subside once Bishop had offered to give them a tour of their facilities in San Francisco. The one point he knew would stick, the one point he kept returning to was Anna's wasted potential.

"She's an extraordinarily bright girl," Bishop had said. Anna's mother smiled with pride and her father had beamed. "She can do great things- will be able to do great things and we want to help her. I'm sure you want more for your daughter than a small life here in Iowa. Image what a shame it would be if she were to get married in a few years, have children and never leave this town."

_She will end up with that Kirk boy and you know it. She'll be stuck. He won't let her go. _

_She'll waste her life on him, on this place._

_Is that what you want?_

"She's safe here," Anna's father had said. "She likes it here. This is her home."

But it was a weak argument and they all knew it. Bishop had seen the look in Anna's mother's eyes when he spoke about adventure in the stars. She loved her daughter, wanted the best for her daughter and it broke her heart to think that she might end up in the backwater town of Riverside. Her mother was a scientist that dealt with disease and danger everyday- she had chosen this quiet life but wanted more for her only child. Bishop knew that to her, danger was preferable, an acceptable risk, to a life spent wasted.

Bishop didn't talk about Kirk but he knew Anna's parents were thinking about him all the same.

He knew had convinced them when they had asked how soon they could visit the Federation Academy.

Anna, smart as she was, was still in many ways a child. It was clear to Bishop, the first time they had spoken, that she wanted a new life, wanted excitement and new challenges. The only barrier he really had to get through was her connection to Kirk.

He had called her in to her advisor's office one day while Kirk had class- it seemed the safest bet. If Bishop had tried to approach her at home or alone outside of the safety of school property, then she would have told Kirk and his efforts would have gone to waste. Instead, amidst the familiar yet sterile sights and sounds of her advisor's office, he could talk to Anna in a safe place.

"I'm not interested," she said instantly, once Bishop had told her about the FI. She seemed startled by the mere suggestion; her face was an open book. "I can't leave Ji- I mean, my life here. Or my parents. This is where I belong."

"Oh?" Bishop had responded. He smiled a friendly smile, not using the shark's grin he usually flashed at other officers. "Anna, I want you to take a moment and think about the rest of your life. It's a big decision, I know, but you're only going to have this opportunity once. I know that you were thinking about joining Starfleet-"

"How did you know..."

"-but that you changed your mind. I wonder why," Bishop said mildly. He had watched the girl's face and saw regret and sadness waver there for a moment.

She looked away. Her hands, which lay in her lap, curled into fists.

"You could be great in Starfleet but you could be even greater with the Federation Intelligence. You can pursue a life on the field and travel to unexplored planets or if you want, you can be a science officer and conduct research projects beyond anything you can imagine now. We also have a command program- you could lead a team on operations that could potentially benefit the human race, if not the Federation itself."

_You can be the hero, for once. You can be a leader._

Anna seemed lost in her thoughts then and Bishop had leaned forward, putting his elbows on the professor's small desk. Though her face still held a hint of baby fat in her cheeks, she was a thin girl. It was clear she had just gone through a growth spurt.

She had looked so painfully young then. Anna was an astonishingly pretty girl but she seemed to lack something in her youth. There was an unfinished quality about her; Bishop knew that in a few years, with experience and age, she would become a beautiful woman. _If_, only _if_, she had room to truly grow.

"This is your life, it's your decision. The Federation Intelligence only offers placement to a select few each year- this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's okay to be selfish, Anna. No one else can make this choice for you. This is yours and yours alone."

_You have a chance to be great. _

_All you have to do is leave him._

And that had sealed the deal. Bishop had given her something of her own- something that she hadn't had to share with Jim Kirk and a chance to be an individual.

He had seen a spark in her eyes at his words, a hint of excitement in her face and he could see that she was already re-imagining her future. One that didn't involve tagging along to anyone else's plans.

"You're turning seventeen soon, is that right?" he asked gently. She nodded, still mulling over his words.

"In two months," she said.

"Think about it, Anna," he said, passing a card across the table. It was simple- it only had his name and his number against a stark white background. She looked at the card but didn't pick it up. "In two months, I want you to contact me and let me know either way what you want to do. Regardless of whether or not you join the FI, I want to make sure _you_ get to do what you _want_ to do. You are under no obligation to _anyone_, do you understand me?"

Bishop knew he had won when she picked up the card, considered it thoughtfully, and placed it in her bag.

Further surveillance that week proved that Anna could keep a secret. As far as Bishop could tell, she hadn't confided in Kirk; it was perhaps the first time he hadn't been a part of her decision-making process.

A week after her seventeenth birthday, after a lengthy discussion with Anna, Bishop had ordered the relocation of the Demerin family to California under cover of night. Jim Kirk had been effectively cut out of their lives.

It was still a moment the General relished.

But now Kirk was back in, by some sort of awful providence, it seemed.

It was horrible timing. With so much riding on Anna's shoulders and her current mission, there was no room for distractions. Bishop was usually a very careful man but when contact between Anna, Trig and the FI had been cut while they were investigating the possible Tressacks base, he had been forced to call Starfleet on a rescue operation. Fearing the worst, Bishop had not wanted to hail Starfleet but he knew it was necessary. Starfleet's Commander-in-Chief knew about Heretic and what Anna had set out to do. He was the one to personally direct Admiral Pike to hail the Enterprise, the nearest vessel where J-311 was located.

Anna and Trig had been too far out in the Gamma quadrant for immediate FI assistance and Bishop could not- would not- risk their lives, even if Jim Kirk was Captain of the rescue ship. Bishop knew that their deaths could mean the deaths of thousands, if not millions.

Throw in the Jim Kirk factor, plus the tension between Starfleet and the FI, plus the fate of the entire-fucking-universe on her back and Bishop knew that Anna had to be near her breaking point. She never failed, it was true, but seeing her in her dark quarters on the Enterprise, the bruises on her face, the amount of weight she had lost and the hollow, tired look in her eyes… no one else may have been able to notice- Anna was master of herself, but Bishop could see that she was exhausted. Drained. Bishop was tempted to replace her with a new team lead.

She had lied to Bishop and they both knew it. She _was_ compromised and so emotionally entangled in the Heretic/Daniel situation that Bishop feared for her. He didn't doubt that she would carry through her orders as best she could- she never faltered in her missions, but he was worried about the aftermath of her actions.

However he knew that she had been right. She was the best lead they had and her team, handpicked, was also the best team FI had to offer. If anyone could succeed with this mission, it was Anna.

The halo-shape of their communicators was based on an ancient phrase: Beati Pacifici.

_Blessed are the peacemakers. _

Contrary to what everyone else in Starfleet seemed to believe- FI officers were not heartless assassins or mindless killers. They excelled at digging out and keeping secrets and were masters of deception. They were simply better trained at hiding the damage to themselves. They knew that peacekeeping oftentimes involved more than words. It required force and sometimes... it required death.

_That little bastard Daniel is alive._

Bishop's hands curled into fists and he snarled. The sound cut through the silence in his office.

If Anna managed to get Daniel out alive, if she managed to bring him back before the FI and Bishop and keep his blood off her hands, then he would be _neutralized_. Bishop would personally see to it.

_Code Three: To neutralize any and all life forms as directed._

As General Bishop turned off the PADD in front of him and went back to work, he pondered on the irony of his peacekeepers as executioners.

###


	6. Chapter 5

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

I used a little creative license here and placed Ten Forward in this version of the ship. Hey, the reboot is an AU anyway, right? Please r/r if you have time- thanks!

**Chapter 5:**

The little girl was throwing rocks at a yellow ball stuck in the crook of a branch.

James Tiberius Kirk, as he liked to call himself (though no one else did), watched from the edge of his fence as the girl threw rocks at the ball in the tree. She had just moved in next door and he had watched the weekend prior as her mom and her dad (he could only assume they were her parents but it made sense) moved large green transport containers into the house.

Jim, as his mom and step-dad called him, had been disappointed that the girl next door hadn't been a boy. He didn't have many friends at school; at eight, he was younger than most of his classmates and knew that he was smarter by far than most of them. His older brother Sam was gone, gone away and so was his mother. And his step-dad didn't pay much attention to him (he actually preferred this). He had been hoping for a new playmate.

Maybe someone who would share toys with him and share the blame when he got in trouble.

That would have been nice.

Instead, it had been a girl that moved in. There was nothing wrong with girls (he was beginning to think girls didn't actually have _Shibbean cooties_) but boys just didn't play with girls, that much he knew. She looked younger than him- she was smaller anyway- and she wore a pale blue dress with a white ribbon tied around her waist. Her black hair was tied back in a pony tail that bounced each time she threw a rock.

James considered for a moment as he watched her.

She had pretty good aim, actually. For a _girl_.

After about an hour (he still carried Sam's portable chrono in his pocket), she gave up and sat down on the grass in her front lawn, rubbing her shoulder.

She didn't cry, didn't run into her house and ask her mom and dad to help her. Just sat on the grass and looked up at the ball. Her face was scrunched up in thought and James could tell she was trying to solve the problem of how to get the ball down from the tree.

James leaned on the fence and decided to think of a way to help her. He liked that she didn't cry like the other girls at school when they didn't get their way. Liked that she was thinking first and didn't ask for help from her parents. Just like him.

Finally he made his way toward her.

"I'm James Tiberius Kirk," he said proudly. He held out his hand like he had seen his mom do when she greeted other grownups. The girl got to her feet carefully, smoothed out her dress and shook his hand cautiously.

Her hand was much smaller than his. He bet her bones were thinner and would break more easily than his- he knew a lot about breaking bones. He broke a lot of his own. His doctor had said he was accident prone. His mother said he was reckless. His step-dad said he was a waste of space. But James knew that he just liked to have fun... though the kind of fun he liked to have often meant that he would be in pain at the end of the day.

"I'm Anna Demerin," she said. Her voice was quieter and she looked briefly into his face before staring at her feet. He stared at her feet too- she wore white shoes. He wondered what was so special about them that she couldn't look up at him.

"The rocks you're throwing are too small," he said. "They won't get your ball out of the tree."

She shrugged.

"Bigger rocks are too heavy," she said. She looked up at the tree then and her large gray eyes were mournful. He liked her eyes. His eyes were blue. He didn't like brown eyes because his step-dad had brown eyes. Amy Smith at school had green eyes. Gray eyes were cool.

He decided he liked Anna then.

"I can throw heavier rocks!" James had exclaimed. And he started to pick out bigger rocks from the sidewalk, running back and forth to where she stood on the grass with his typical gusto. He liked to run.

Running was fun. Except when he fell. Or when someone pushed him.

Anna only watched him at first but a smile began to form on her face when he started to throw the bigger rocks at the ball. They could both see that it was working. With each rock thrown the ball began to move out of the crook of the branch. He didn't even mind that his arms began to grow tired. She was _smiling_ at him.

Four, five, six! And the ball bounced on to the lawn.

Anna made a sound of joy and she ran towards the ball, clutching it to her chest with glee. James watched as she threw it up in the air and caught it, twirling around so that her skirt lifted up slightly.

James was sure she was going to run back into her house with her mom and dad inside and leave him behind. To his surprise though, she turned back to look at him and said, "Catch, Jimmy!"

James caught the ball and he grinned at her.

He decided that his name would be Jimmy from then on.

###

"Captain?"

Jim Kirk shook himself out of his reverie and glanced up at the officer standing in front of Ten Forward. The officer (_Michaels? Mitchell?)_ had stepped aside deferentially and was waiting for the Captain to walk through the doors before him.

"Captain, are you alright?" the officer asked. Jim blinked at him, pushing away the memory of the first time he met Anna. It had suddenly come up to the surface of his mind, unbidden.

_Matthews_?_ His name is Matthews._

_I think._

Jim flashed him a grin and took a step forward. "Of course, Lieutenant Matthews," he said brightly. "Thank you."

The officer smiled back, pleased at his captain's recognition, and stepped behind Jim as he made his way into the lounge and recreation area.

It was the end of the Beta shift and Jim had finished signing off on all the update reports of the day. Three or four times a week he liked to take on double shifts but today he was simply too keyed up to stay on the Bridge.

He and Spock had been called into an urgent meeting with General Bishop who had given them orders, backed by Starfleet. The Enterprise was to head towards star base Gamma and collect four Federation Intelligence officers- Anna's field team. They were then to return to planet J-311 and transport Anna and her team back down to the surface. They were to wait until Anna gave the signal that their mission was over and then beam them back aboard.

What happened next would fall to her. Jim had been explicitly instructed that to question her authority would be to question not only the FI but Starfleet Intelligence itself.

Jim knew he didn't have much of a reason to refuse the General- their next big mission didn't begin for another month and it seemed that Starfleet fully supported whatever it was that the FI was up to.

Besides, Jim Kirk had his own reasons for wanting to keep an eye on the FI team for as long as possible. He didn't like the fact that he was being kept out of the loop on key information; that was something he would have to fix soon. The one thing he had learned during his early tenure as a Starfleet captain was that information was power and some people held on to even the most mundane fact like it was currency.

Jim was not at all power hungry- he was content on the Enterprise- but he knew in order to protect his crew and his position, he had to be just as quick to obtain knowledge as those above him.

Scotty had promised Jim it would only taken a day or two more to gain entry into Anna's FI personnel files. Hell, he had even gotten Chekov to work on it. They had already tracked down the location of her file within the FI's convoluted database; once they got through the security settings, Jim would have what he needed.

_What is Heretic? Who is Daniel? What are the Tressacks up to?_

_What are you doing, Anna?_

He stood near the doorway for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the dim lighting and watched _his_ people. He felt a sense of pride as he watched his crew members laugh and enjoy each other's company. Jim had worked hard to cultivate and maintain the easy-going culture on the Enterprise. His officers were dedicated to their work. Like him, most of them were young and smart and thrown into a situation that they perhaps weren't quite ready for. They were eager to prove themselves and often worked past their limitations. But each and every person aboard the Enterprise had shown admirable grace under pressure during the worst of times; he figured they were allowed to relax a bit during the best of times.

_There she is._

Jim stood up straighter and began to make his way towards the figure he had been looking for; she was dressed in all black, in the far corner, sitting in a booth away from the main group.

He had asked the computer where Anna was as he was walking off the Bridge and he hadn't bothered to go back to his quarters to change before heading towards her location. He hadn't wanted to admit, even to himself, that he would have liked a quick look at himself in a mirror.

She sat near the window, staring out into the stars with an oddly wistful expression on her face. A bowl of what looked to be vegetable soup sat in front of her on the table and though she held a spoon in her hand, it looked as if she hadn't yet partaken of her meal.

In the shadows, the cuts and bruises on her face seemed almost gone and her lips were curled up in a gentle almost-smile. He walked up to her slowly, admiring the light from the stars and he could tell that she was engrossed in the view.

Jim was too.

"May I have this seat?" he asked, gesturing to the other side of the booth. Anna seemed reluctant as she slowly looked away from the vastness of space. Her gray eyes were inscrutable as she looked up at him and her face became expressionless, devoid of the melancholy she had displayed not a moment ago.

"Of course, Captain," she said. She dipped her spoon in the soup and slowly stirred it.

"Any good?" Jim asked, nodded towards her bowl. He glanced around the room and smiled at a server, who began to make his way across the room.

She took a spoonful into her mouth and swallowed.

"Yes," she said simply. She looked down and began to eat. For a moment, they sat in an awkward silence and when the server reached their booth and Jim gave his order, the silence returned.

Anna ate slowly and carefully, unhurried and seemingly uncaring about the man intently staring at her from across the booth. Years ago, Jim knew that Anna would have been bright red by now, flustered by any sort of attention paid to her. She had been a shy girl and it had once been his mission in life to draw her out of her shell, to help her become comfortable with attention.

Now it seemed that she was indifferent to anything outside of her own thoughts- indifferent even to him.

"How are your quarters?" Jim asked. "Do you have everything you need?"

"Yes, thank you," she said, staring down as she ate.

"I trust you slept well?"

"Yes."

"You had some osteo-regeneration work done," Jim said, pushing harder. "I know how painful that is. I'm sure Bones- I mean, Dr. McCoy would be happy to give you something for the pain, if you…"

"I'm fine," she said abruptly. Her voice barely hid a tone of annoyance and she set her spoon down. To his surprise, she lifted her napkin from her lap to wipe her mouth and then set it beside her dish.

She had barely eaten half of her soup.

"It's been a pleasure, Captain," she said, beginning to edge out from the booth. "If you'll excuse me…"

"Wait, don't," Jim said, getting up himself. She didn't seem inclined to listen though and continued on, away from him. She had started to walk away when he reached out and grabbed her hand, forcing her to turn back around.

At his touch, she jumped back, pulling away from his grasp. He couldn't help the injured look on his face- she had recoiled from him as if he were something unwanted.

_I just touched her hand. _

_Barely even…_

"I'm sorry," he said, before he could stop himself. Jim knew he didn't have to apologize for anything but the words had escaped. "Don't go. Please."

Anna looked at him warily and she slowly sat back down across from him.

"Listen, I know we didn't get off on the right foot the other day," he said, after he was sure she wouldn't bolt again. He put his hands on the table, palms up. "But I'm trying to rectify that. The truth is I'm a little thrown off by you being here. When I saw it was you we had beamed up… and you were injured…"

Jim trailed off, unable to describe the intense chaotic whirlwind of emotions he had felt that day. He looked away for a moment and took a breath. She said nothing in response; her face remained impassive and still.

"Anna, it's been almost ten years since we last saw each other," Jim said. "That wasn't the way I thought I'd see you again. I wasn't even sure I would see you again. Don't you think you owe me some sort of explanation?"

There was a long silence between them but Jim would not drop his stare. She did _owe_ him- not only for abandoning him but for saving her life.

"Explanation for what?" she said finally.

Jim blinked, incredulous.

"For disappearing overnight," he said, sitting up. He felt the first tendrils of anger heat his cheeks. "For not bothering to contact me all these years when you could have _easily_ done so. You were probably in California the same time I was. The FI Academy is only a shuttle away from Starfleet."

"I graduated when I was twenty and then I was sent off planet," she said stiffly. "I was told you entered Starfleet at twenty two."

"That's an excuse."

"It's the truth."

"So you had three additional years planet-side to let me know you were alive," he said, going on. "But we both know you didn't bother. Did our friendship mean that little to you?"

"I knew you'd be fine without…"

"You turned your back on me and didn't bother to find out what I was going through. Just washed your hands of our friendship and moved on."

"No, that's not what…"

"It's like you just couldn't wait to take the first offer out of Riverside, away from the fuck up that I was."

"Stop it, Jimmy," she spat out, narrowing her eyes. "Not everything is about you."

"But everything was about you," Jim said. He forced himself to stop and retrace his steps. This wasn't where he had intended to go when he first sought her out. He hadn't meant to start a fight with Anna but there was a lot of lingering resentment left over between them that he knew they had to deal with.

_When did everything between us become about anger?_

Jim swallowed and forced himself to get back on track. She looked on edge, watching him carefully as if waiting for his next verbal attack. Her jaw was clenched and she sat forward, ready to continue fighting if she had to and-

It made him feel old and tired all of a sudden. Physical fighting was one thing… but this kind of struggle was harder and it took more out of him than he had to give at the moment.

After hostility, there was only truth.

"I know enough about the FI recruitment process to know that you had time to make the decision to join," he said, lowering his voice. "You'd been planning to leave and you didn't tell me. We were friends. I would have never, _ever_ left you behind so I don't understand why you did."

For a moment, Anna tensed even more and then her shoulders slumped and she seemed to deflate.

"We shouldn't have this conversation here," she said, looking away. Jim hesitated, then decided not to push further. They could continue down this path later, when he was more prepared and not prone to lashing out instinctively. Jim wanted answers; he needed to understand but it still hurt. He _had_ matured over the years but seeing Anna again made him feel helpless and afraid. Something he did not want to feel ever again.

"You've been watching everyone around us this whole time," Jim said, leaning in. "And I'm willing to bet that you've mapped out everyone's location before you even sat down. You're paying attention to everything and we both know that no one is paying attention to us."

"You're the Captain," she said evenly. "Everybody is paying attention to you."

"They see us here, talking quietly," Jim said. "No one hears a word we're saying. And you've done well enough not to draw attention to yourself. If you didn't think we were safe we wouldn't still be here, would we, Colonel?"

It might have been his imagination but there was a slight tightening of her mouth at the use of her title.

"I take it you've spoken with Starfleet recently," Anna said. She was changing the subject and he decided to let it go. It was a conversation they would have another day.

"Starfleet and Federation Intelligence. I had another meeting with General Bishop earlier today," he said, nodding. "Looks like you got what you wanted."

"Meaning?" she said.

"Meaning we're headed to star base Gamma," Jim said. "Your team will be there for pick up by the time we arrive. It'll take us some time since we have a few side trips to take that I can't put off but it will be a shorter trip back to J-311."

Anna nodded. "Good," she said. "Anything you can do to expedite the trip will help."

"The funny thing is," Jim said, staring into her eyes. "Everyone else seems to know what's going on- Starfleet, the admirals, hell, I even saw the Commander-in-Chief's stamp on the order sent to my PADD. Your mission must be pretty important if all of those people are paying that close attention to it."

Once again, Anna fell silent.

"Pushing aside our history; you're on my ship, Anna," Jim said. "I understand that I was _ordered_ to help you with your mission by getting your team and making sure you get back to J-311. But I need you to understand- _this is my ship and these are my people_. I need to know why I'm going out of my way to bring you and your team back out there when you barely survived your first encounter with the Tressacks."

"I'm not at liberty to explain anything to you," she said sharply. "_Captain_."

"You don't _have_ to tell me anything," Jim said, leaning back, still keeping his eyes fixed on her face. "But I'm responsible for all these people you see right now and more that you don't see. I need to know if there's something on that planet that can reach us and possibly harm us."

"I promise you, as long as my team and I are the only ones to set foot on that planet, then no harm will come to this ship," she said firmly. "If there is even a possibility of that happening, I'll let you know."

"You can't even tell me the purpose of your mission?" Jim asked, frustrated.

Anna sighed then and looked away from him, towards the crowd of people in the recreation area. She pressed her lips together and Jim got the feeling that she was fighting against something inside her mind. Suddenly, she laughed but it wasn't a happy sound.

When she looked back at him, there was a strange mix of amusement and sadness in her eyes.

"Fine. Since you're so sure I owe you some sort of explanation," she said. "What if I told you that the fate of the Federation depends on this mission?"

There was a taunting, almost spiteful cast to her expression but underneath it, Jim could detect something else. Another emotion… unreadable, but there.

"What if I said that if I don't succeed, then everyone dies. End of story. Game over. No re-dos."

"Sounds a bit dramatic but I would believe you," he said seriously. "I want to help you, Anna."

"You already are helping me," she said. "It's no small thing, to have my team with me."

"I want to do more."

"There isn't anything more for you to do," she said.

He opened his mouth to _respectfully disagree_ when Anna's gaze shifted slightly and she tilted her head to the side, as if hearing something in the distance. She sat up again and her face became relaxed and calm.

The change in her demeanor was so swift that Jim opened his mouth to ask what was wrong.

"Captain?" Jim looked up, startled to see the server moving towards his side of the booth with a plate of food. "Your meal is ready."

"Thank you," Jim said, as the server set his dish down on the table. He glanced up at Anna, who gave the waiter a serene look. It was as if they had been discussing the weather or other trivial matters. She clearly hadn't wanted to give anything away.

"You're welcome, sir," he said before walking away. Jim looked down at his (… _dinner? lunch?...)_ sandwich and french fries and then gestured towards her.

"What?"

"You used to like stealing my fries," he said, grabbing one himself. "You might as well get something to eat if we're going to keep going after each other like this."

Anna looked surprised.

"I've already eaten," she said, glancing at her cooling bowl of soup.

Jim snorted. "What, that?" he said. "You barely took two bites before you were ready to run away from me. _Again_."

He pushed the plate towards her again.

"Eat."

Anna hesitated and then sighed as he stared at her.

"Can you just stay on topic for one minute?" she said, sounding exasperated.

"You know me better than that," he said. He grabbed a fry and popped it into his mouth, chewing. "In fact, you used to know me so well that by now you would have realized I wasn't going to stop harassing you until you ate a damn fry. And you would have given up."

To his surprise, she rolled her eyes. It was such a childish, uncharacteristic gesture that he almost laughed. Instead, he bit his lip and looked away briefly.

"The soup was fine," she said. "Vegetable soup is nutritious and…"

"Only if you eat it," Jim cut in. He pushed the uneaten bowl of soup further away and pushed his own plate towards her. She glared at him for a moment but there wasn't much heat in the expression. He only stared back at her calmly, patiently.

And he waited.

Finally, Anna huffed and took a fry, putting it in her mouth and chewing with unnecessary vehemence as she glared at him. Jim couldn't help it- she looked so much like a disgruntled child that he started to laugh, despite the fact that only moments before they had been at each other's throats. It was almost hysterical laughter, a little manic but it felt good. He covered his eyes and leaned back and laughed, feeling lighter than he had in days.

_We really are still ourselves, even after all these years._

_There's hope for us, Anna._

Anna pressed her lips together in seeming disapproval but he could see the corners of her mouth tilt up slightly.

"Still as stubborn and mercurial as ever," she said wryly. "Doesn't it get exhausting?"

Jim grinned at her and shrugged. He had a sudden moment of clarity and he decided to run with it. He suspected that throwing her off would produce the most honest results; they were equals when he confronted her directly, when he evoked a negative emotional response or when he attacked her. But kindness, laughter… Anna just wasn't expecting it from him.

_Does she think she doesn't deserve it?_

He knew then that she did feel at least a modicum of guilt towards him. It was enough to know this. For now.

"Sure- as much as it is to go to the extreme opposite," he said pointedly. He waved a fry at her before popping it into his mouth. "You probably _kill_ at poker."

Her mouth twitched again.

"Anyway, I was looking for you for a reason," he said, picking up half of his sandwich with one hand. "I was wondering if you'd like a personal tour of my ship. Since you're going to be here for a week or so more, I figure you should be introduced to the senior crew, at the very least."

Anna nodded and Jim pretended not to notice when she leaned in and took another fry from his plate. He hid his smile behind his sandwich and cleared his throat.

"Good. I'll send you a schedule later," he said. He moved to the side and reached into his side pocket with his free hand, pulling out a small device and placing it on the table. "Also, I wanted to give you this."

Anna looked down at the Starfleet communicator with a small look of surprise. She reached out and held it in her hand as Jim watched.

"If you wanted to reach me… or someone else, you won't have to rely on finding a comms station," Jim said.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said. Jim ate his sandwich as she looked around at the people in the lounge, playing with the communicator in her hand. This time the silence was not awkward or tense. Yet even relaxed, there was an observant air about her, as if she were filing each and every detail away for later perusal.

Jim pushed his plate even closer towards her, breaking her out of her thoughts. Anna turned back towards him, bemused.

"It's too big for me to finish alone," he said. "Why don't you take the other half?"

"I really don't want..." she began but Jim waved his finger at her.

"Remember? I'm stubborn and mercurial," he said.

"And I'm not hungry," she said. "Believe me, I can take care of myself."

Jim shrugged. "Guess old habits die hard," he said softly.

Anna did not respond; instead she looked down at the communicator in her hands and then pinned it on to her shirt, doing so easily, as if she had done it hundreds of times before.

It didn't surprise Jim that she had pinned it on straight.

"It looks good on you," Jim said, after a moment. She snorted and looked past him, into the crowd. He tried to catch her eye again, just staring at her like she did with him, but she didn't even glance at him.

Jim put the remainder of his sandwich down and picked at his fries.

"The gold looks good on you," Anna said. "Being captain suits you."

He looked up and found her smiling at him- it was a small smile, just a slight quirk to the corners of her mouth, but genuine.

Jim was tempted to say something breezy, something a little flirtatious and teasing, but they were far from the point where they could be friends again and he was not the man he was two, four, even ten years ago. Too much had happened, he had seen too much to be that person anymore.

So he settled for a smile back and a nod. It would do until they could regain lost ground.

Suddenly, Jim's communicator beeped to life.

"McCoy to Kirk, please respond."

Jim tapped his communicator. "Kirk here. What's up, Bones?"

"Got any idea where that FI woman is? I tried her quarters but came up empty."

Jim looked up at Anna and frowned.

"Yeah, Bones, Anna's with me in Ten-F."

"The both of you need to come down here right now."

Before Jim could respond, Anna got to her feet and began walking away. He jumped out of the booth to follow her, suddenly feeling tense again.

The look on her face had been…

There was nothing there again. No worry, no anger, nothing to indicate what she was thinking or how she felt or anything. He was beginning to think that it was a defensive measure- clearing her face of all emotions made it difficult for anyone to see what she was up to next.

"Anna, wait!" Jim said, quickly catching up to her as she made her way out past the doors. "Wait, we're going to the medbay together, dammit."

She glanced at him but did not slow her pace.

"You don't even know what's going on," Jim said, as they walked into a turbolift. "I know Bones. He would have said if there was an emergency."

"Captain, I'm fairly certain I know why Dr. McCoy wanted us there," she said, stiffly.

"So you're psychic now?" Jim said, as he pressed a button.

"Trig is awake," she said, staring straight ahead, looking as if she wanted to burn holes through the doors with her eyes. Jim thought briefly about the man they had rescued along with Anna. He had been very tall, with pale blonde hair- but Jim had only given him a cursory once over before he was handed off to McCoy's care.

"If that were true, then it would be a good thing," Jim said easily. Inside though he was frustrated; it would be harder to get Anna on her own now with her partner awake.

"Indeed," Anna said. The doors opened and she stepped out, moving so quickly that Jim had to fight to keep up with her.

"So what's the problem?" Jim asked. "I would think you'd be happy about this."

Anna shook her head and pressed her lips together before responding.

"Unfortunately, I doubt he'll be as agreeable as I was when I awoke."

###


	7. Chapter 6

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**Chapter 6:**

McCoy began speaking even before Anna and Jim had walked across the threshold into the med bay. He looked flustered and a little angry but Jim couldn't detect anything that was cause for alarm.

"Your partner just woke up and broke my goddamn static chamber," McCoy said gruffly, leading them towards the isolation ward. "I was running scans on another patient when his vitals crashed. The room goes into alert when that happens."

"But he didn't flatline," Anna said. McCoy glanced back at Anna and shook his head. Then the glower left his face.

"Have you been eating?" he demanded suddenly. "You look pale. Have you gotten enough rest?"

"I just came from a meal with the Captain," Anna said firmly. She glanced at Jim, daring him to speak up but he didn't. She raised her chin, her head held high. "Where's my man, Doctor?"

The glower returned and McCoy jerked his head to the side, towards the isolation ward and resumed walking.

"This way," he said. "And no, he didn't flatline."

They made their way past the sparsely populated medical bay and Jim could see a blond woman- Nurse Chapel, he remembered her name- look up at them warily. Her gaze flickered to the door at the far end of the room and she shook her head before returning to her task.

"Somehow the damn fool managed to override the chamber's locking mechanism before I could walk the thirty feet or so from my position to his room and open it myself," McCoy said. "He nearly scared Chapel half to death. My staff thought he had crashed. Imagine our surprise to find him out of the chamber, half-naked, standing in a corner and demanding to know where he was and where _you_ were."

"What's his current condition?" Anna asked. They reached the end of the room and stood in front of a closed door. Bones punched in the code and the doors slid open. He gestured inside and threw Anna, and by extension Jim, a dark look.

"Why don't you find out for yourself?" he asked.

###

A tall, slender man with a shock of almost white blonde hair sat on the edge of a bed; his long legs almost reached the floor. He sat still and relaxed, his light blue eyes clear and alert as he looked towards the open doorway. A biosheet was pooled around his waist and he gripped the edges loosely in one hand.

Jim was right behind Anna as she walked into the room and he caught the split second flash of _reliefhappinessfear_ when the man saw Anna.

But it was only there for a moment; when he saw Jim behind her there was only polite curiosity in his eyes. Nothing more.

_I bet the FI has some sort of required course on Blank Expressions: How to Be Not Human, _Jim thought unkindly.

With a swiftness that made Jim pause, the man got to his feet, clutching the sheet at his waist and stood ramrod straight. He noted with some envy that the man was perfectly built, with a chisled torso, slim waist, lightly muscled arms and broad shoulders. Though he worked out regularly and kept himself healthy, despite the occasional beer or two, Jim knew that there was no way he could ever look like Anna's partner. He just didn't have the genetic disposition for it.

"At ease, Trig," Anna said sharply. She stopped only a couple of feet away from the bed and looked up at him, tilting her head to the side. The man let out a long breath and his shoulders fell a little as he relaxed.

Jim thought he detected a slight waver in the man's stance.

"It's good to see you, ma'am," he said. His voice was mellow and melodic though a bit scratchy with disuse.

"And it's good to see you, Trig," Anna said. Her face softened and she reached out and put a hand on his arm. "You should sit down."

Trig sat down slowly, making sure his sheet still covered him, and looked at Anna. There was something in the way he looked at her that made Jim's chest tighten. It was clear that Trig was a military man- there was no mistaking his bearing- but he looked at Anna as if she were the end-all and be-all of his world. There was adoration shining through his eyes.

Jim felt himself tense at the man's expression.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"I'm fine, ma'am," Trig said. "The good doctor there told me I was out for a few days but I feel fine now."

"No need for honorifics, Trig," Anna said. "And I'm glad to hear you're feeling well."

"Thank you, ma'am," Trig said. He paused. "Sorry. Anna."

She turned towards McCoy, who had stopped at Jim's side.

"Doctor, you mentioned something about a broken static chamber?" she said.

McCoy glared at Trig whose pale cheeks flushed. He looked at McCoy with what Jim thought was a sheepish expression.

_He's embarrassed, I think._

While they were nowhere near Vulcan-level stoicism, Jim was quickly learning that the FI had their own ways of expressing themselves. It was subtle and sometimes undetectable but it was there. A twitch of the lips, a slow blink or tilt of the head- their emotions were subject to their control and not the other way around.

It seemed to Jim that Trig was far more expressive than Anna, though not by much. He was easier to read than her, in any case.

"Your partner dismantled my chamber from the inside out instead of waiting for me to come open it for him," McCoy said darkly. He pointed to a large object across the room. "I only have two chambers on this deck and now one is clearly out of commission until we can get a technician to fix it."

The static chamber was shaped like a long cylinder that opened in half lengthwise. The top half was made of shaded Vulcan glass, one of the toughest materials known within the Federation. When closed, the glass permitted only a one-way view: a doctor or a nurse could look into the chamber but the patient within would only see darkness. There was no need for concern regarding claustrophobia: patients that needed static chambers were usually heavily sedated or in a coma and needed an isolated, protective space to regenerate and recover.

The bottom half held a bed that conformed to and monitored whatever body lay within. Other monitoring devices and panels spanned the length of the chamber on the outside.

At first, Jim could not detect anything wrong with the chamber and then something caught his attention. He walked over, with Anna close behind him, to take a closer look.

A small panel on the inside of the chamber had been opened forcibly and several wires and metal pieces lay on the bed.

"I wasn't aware Federation Intelligence officers could see in the dark," McCoy said dryly. "How he managed to find that panel in the dark while coming out of sedation is beyond me. Unless there's something you'd like to share with me?"

"I apologize again, Doctor," Trig said, ducking his head. Jim thought he looked like a kid who just received a scolding. "I can fix it, if you'll allow me to."

"Thanks for the offer but I don't want you anywhere near my equipment."

"We're trained to escape quickly from hostile situations and many of our operations take place in the dark or at night," Anna spoke up. She looked up at McCoy. "Trig only did what he thought he had to do; after all, he woke up in an unfamiliar place. Nevertheless, I sincerely apologize for the state of your equipment, Doctor McCoy."

"Bones, I'm sure Scotty can take of the repairs," Jim said smoothly, when McCoy scowled at Anna. "I'll get him on it now."

"I still want to know how _he _knew that panel was even there," McCoy said, shaking his head at Jim. He narrowed his eyes at Anna. "Most of my staff don't even know about the inside hinge lock in that chamber and I'm pretty sure the FI doesn't offer classes on structural medical equipment design specific to constitutional-class starships. That chamber was built exclusively for C-class ships."

Jim watched as Anna looked at Trig and sighed. She nodded once at him and a small wrinkle formed on his brow. He looked confused for a moment and then nodded back.

Something had passed between them, some sort of unspoken communication, and Jim suddenly felt as if he and McCoy were intruders.

_What the hell was that?_

"I didn't know it was there," Trig said, after a short silence. "And I'm not familiar with static chamber designs. When I woke up, all I knew was that I was in a dark, cramped space. I used my hands and feet to feel around me – that's when I found the panel outline. I popped it open using key pressure points since it was hollow, pulled out the wires and then felt around…"

"My God, man, you could have electrocuted yourself!" McCoy exclaimed but Trig went on calmly.

"It was an acceptable risk, Doctor. I could have been in hostile territory. All I knew was that I needed to escape. Anyway, I found the sliding joint with my finger and realized that the device I was in used a Dorinian-style hinge," Trig said. "So I pushed the sliding joint up and out and the chamber opened. I'm sorry I frightened your staff. I just wanted to find out where I was and if my CO was safe."

McCoy sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead with one hand tiredly.

"Fine, fine," he said, dropping his hand and looking at Anna. "That's around the time I called Jim. After your partner stopped bellowing and calmed down enough to let me speak, I filled him in your status and location. I already did a preliminary scan but I want him to stay here for another hour or so to do a full physical."

"Yes, Doctor, that should be fine," Anna said. Jim thought Trig was about to complain but Anna gave him a look that silenced him.

"Well, since that's settled," Anna said, turning towards Jim with a slight smile. "Captain, please allow me to introduce you to my security officer, Major Greger Halvar Jansen. We call him Trig for short."

Jim took a step forward and held out his hand. Trig shook it with his free hand. Anna gestured towards Jim.

"And this is Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise," she said.

"Nice to meet you, Captain," Trig said. "Thanks for beaming us up when you did. Doctor McCoy said you saved our lives."

"You're welcome. I'm only glad I could help," Jim said. He dropped his hand and looked at the man curiously. "Trig is an unusual nickname for Greger."

To his surprise Trig grinned, showing off a perfect, white smile. It made his face seem bright and open and Jim felt a sudden fount of bitterness and jealousy bubble up inside.

_I bet he's gotten to be around Anna for years,_ Jim thought.

_She probably trusts him with her life._

The truth was Anna's partner was a handsome man, almost startlingly so. He had a sharp jawline, high cheekbones and pale blue eyes that contrasted nicely with his light blonde hair and fair complexion. He was undeniably masculine; but there was a delicate _prettiness_ to his features that Jim knew many women seemed to like.

Though his bed-hopping days were behind him, Jim still had a strong sense of competition towards men he recognized as being attractive. He could admit he was vain but he was also self aware; Jim knew when someone else had a physical advantage over him. It used to drive him crazy and he had once thought it a personal challenge to steal women away from the competition.

But the feeling Jim suddenly felt towards Trig was something else; something more intense and darker.

_I wonder if she's ever looked at him as anything beyond her officer._

_What if she… if they…_

"Trig is short for Trigger," he said easily. He looked at Anna and shrugged. "I'm good with weapons."

"Now you're modest?" Anna said. Jim looked at her, a little shocked that she had made a joke. The shock deepened when she smiled widely, a true, sweet _Anna­ smile_ that Jim remembered from another lifetime. But this time, it was not directed at him.

"As I am ever, ma'am," Trig said.

"He's the best at what he does," Anna said, her smile fading a little when she looked at Jim. "Weaponry, long range discharge and disarmament are his strong points- hence the nickname. Sometimes I even forget what his real name is."

"And I've been told that I do not look like a Greg," Trig said, in mock seriousness.

He coughed suddenly and shivered, pulling the sheet closely around him. Jim realized that Trig was unusually pale- even though he seemed to have a naturally fair complexion, there was something distinctly off about his color.

McCoy cleared his throat and stepped forward.

"I think my patient's had enough excitement for one day," he said, taking a step forward. He held out a tricorder and turned his back on Anna and Jim. Jim felt the strength of his dismissal as strongly and surely as a push. "I sure as hell have. After the tests are complete, I'll arrange to have quarters secured for him and then…"

"Captain, I request permission to have Trig placed as close as possible to my quarters," Anna said, interrupting McCoy.

Jim paused.

He knew that there was an empty room down the hall from Anna's room but he was reluctant to put the man there. At first glance her request seemed to work in his favor- he could keep an eye on the two FI agents from the hidden video system in the corridor. Though he hadn't put up visual surveillance for Anna's room, he did have trackers on her outgoing communications. He knew he had the right to any and all transmissions coming into and beaming from the ship; Jim drew the line at placing visuals within her room. It just seemed _distasteful_.

However, if Trig and Anna were placed in the same area, there was also the likelihood of losing the little control he had over them. Trig could easily move to and from her room and Jim would be forced to post surveillance in her quarters.

And he didn't know what to do with the uneasy feeling he had at the thought of Trig slipping into her room for anything other than FI business.

Still… that was another matter for another time.

"I'll see if there are any available and arrange it," Jim said slowly.

He would think about it, maybe discuss it with Spock- but he would not promise her anything outright. Although he had a feeling he would give into her request anyway- she had asked him without demanding. That meant something to Jim.

Anna seemed to catch his shift in mood. She narrowed her eyes and seemed to study his face before turning back to Trig.

"Doctor," she said. "Please do let me know once Trig is released."

McCoy made a face but nodded. His eyes fell on the communicator she wore and he raised an eyebrow.

"Fine," he sighed and then dismissed them again with a wave of his hand. "And I trust that you _will_ remember to come in for that follow-up appointment I made for you tomorrow. Now get out of here, both of you."

Jim began to move away but Anna ignored McCoy and walked over to Trig. She leaned forward and said something quietly in his ear; her voice was too soft to be heard by either McCoy or Jim.

Whatever she had said made the man sit up and nod. His face, which a moment ago had been relaxed and almost friendly, was suddenly devoid of expression. Jim felt that _oddness _again- that sense of something passing between Anna and Trig that excluded himself and McCoy.

She took a step back from Trig, looking satisfied.

"Questions?" Anna said.

Trig's pale eyes were clear of emotion but he frightened Jim. With Anna, the lack of expression was unsettling and creepy. Trig's eyes were devoid of anything _human- _there was a cold, reptilian watchfulness there but nothing more. It was like staring into a black hole personified.

_Weapons expert. Security officer. Federation Intelligence._

_Nice euphemisms for a trained killer. _

Trig looked at Jim and then at McCoy with his chilly blue eyes, before turning back towards Anna.

"No, ma'am," Trig said. "We're clear."

"Good," she said and glanced at Jim. "I'll be in my quarters if you need me."

"I'll walk you there," Jim said. She frowned and then walked out of the room without a glance back.

Jim followed her out.

###

"I can walk myself back," Anna said, as the doors to the medical bay slid shut behind them. She stopped walking and faced him. Jim studied her for a moment- she seemed distracted despite her seemingly calm façade. It might have been the way the light hit her face but she seemed to be just as pale and sickly as Trig had been towards the end.

"I know you can," Jim said.

"Then to what do I owe the courtesy, Captain?" she said, crossing her arms across her chest. She seemed irritated but still distracted.

"Well, it would only be polite seeing as how you are a guest of the Enterprise," Jim said. He grinned. "And my quarters are right next to yours. It would seem a bit odd if I just followed you silently to the same deck, down the same corridor, to the same…"

Anna huffed, clearly annoyed now and then began walking towards the lifts.

"Wait," Jim said, putting his hand on her shoulder. She tried to shake him off but he wouldn't let go until she stopped walking again. "Anna, what's wrong with you? I would think that knowing Trig is okay would have set your mind at ease but you're acting like…"

"Nothing is wrong with me, Captain," Anna said stiffly. She pulled away from him and this time Jim let her go. "And even if there were, you wouldn't understand."

"You keep saying that but you won't even give me a chance to try," Jim said.

Instead of responding, Anna turned around and walked into the turbolift with Jim at her heels.

"Computer, deck nine," Anna said and the lift began to move.

"Computer, stop," Jim said.

The lift stopped.

"Can't you just leave well enough alone?" Anna said. "I'm _fine_."

"Yeah, I don't buy that," Jim said. He leaned in towards her, narrowing his eyes. She took a step back at the sudden closeness and her back hit the wall. "Do you feel okay, Anna? You don't look so good."

"Like the doctor said, I've had enough excitement for one day," she said. She took a step to the side, away from Jim. "I just need to rest."

"I agree," Jim said. He paused, looking at her face again. She _was _paler than what could be considered healthy. He noticed for the first time that there were still dark circles under eyes. She looked more than simply tired- she looked exhausted.

McCoy's medical report on Anna had been a fascinating read (_fascinating_ according to Spock, anyway; Jim had been a little more than _fascinated_). He remembered McCoy's words as he watched her:

"_Patient has had an extremely quick recovery period in view of the extent and depth of her injuries. There are as yet indefinable substances (designated: SubX- substance x), apart from the alien hallucinogenic (designated: FS1- foreign substance 1) in her blood that will require further study and I have taken samples for this purpose. _

_It may be that SubX is the cause for her shortened recuperation; however, she required various blood transfusions and one round with the hemopurifier to remove all traces of FS1. These procedures seemed to negatively affect the replication and self-healing properties of SubX. Patient also has an extremely high metabolism which has proven to combat heavy sedation. With these two factors combined, I suspect the potency and therefore the effect of SubX will be unsustainable in the long term."_

"Computer, resume," Jim said, not looking away from Anna. She seemed relieved and stared past him at the wall behind.

"If you weren't feeling well, you should have said something to McCoy. You've just been through significant trauma. Now is not the time to play martyr. Believe me, with the amount of injuries I've had, I would know."

Anna snorted. "Doctor McCoy can't help me. He's done enough. What I need is my team and my own medical officer here."

"Should McCoy expect Trig to exhibit the same symptoms in a few days?" Jim asked. Anna's gaze was sharp as she looked at him. "Weak appetite, pale skin tone- indicative of possible anemia? And growing lethargy. It's pretty clear to me you're not in the best of health and it's only been two full days since you've been discharged."

"I take it the good Doctor has already written up a detailed report on me?" Anna said. Her voice was cold and Jim could tell she was furious. It was a huge difference from his own reaction- he usually burned white hot when he was truly enraged. Anna seemed to grow even more still and pale; her anger was a deep freeze.

"Tell me, Captain- has it been distributed among your science officers yet? Should I expect that the tissue samples I'm sure Doctor McCoy took from me and Trig are up for later study?"

"His reports are confidential and how do you know that he even took tissue samples? I don't make it a point to offer up guests for research purposes," Jim shot back. He was irritated that she would even suggest such a thing. "Only Spock and I have read it and quite frankly I think you're doing yourself a disservice by acting as if you're fine. You should learn to accept help when it's offered."

"I've told you. You _can't_ help me," she said. "It's not refusal. It's a simple fact."

"Why not?" Jim asked. "What's so different about your physiology that one of the most highly regarded doctors in Starfleet couldn't possibly help you? You don't have robotic implants, no alien organs, no..."

"Classified information, Captain," Anna said shortly.

The doors opened with a hiss of air and Anna practically sprinted away, moving down the hallway to her room. Jim noted that even weak, Anna could move with the speed and grace of a feline.

"Fine," Jim said, catching up with her. "I show you mine, you show me yours. Bones _did_ take tissue samples but he won't do anything with them aside from study. He won't publish reports, he won't allow his staff to touch them, and he hasn't even labeled them. No one else knows about the samples. Bones just wants to help you and your partner get better. Trust me, Anna, you _are_ safe on this ship."

"So safe that I don't have to worry about someone taking samples from me and my partner while we're incapacitated?" Anna said. They reached the door to her room and she punched in the code. "Excuse me when I say that doesn't sound very _safe_ from where I'm standing."

"You know that he had to make sure that you were both cleared of that Tressack poison," Jim said firmly but he felt himself flush. She had a point but he knew McCoy had been in the right. "The only way he could do that was to…"

"I want those samples, Captain," Anna said, finally looking up at him. "The Doctor released me and he's about to release Trig. He no longer has a need to study whatever samples he took from us. Keeping them would be a severe breach in privacy, not to mention a violation against Federation Intelligence and Starfleet regulations."

"And if you or Trig relapses?" Jim asked. "Bones'll need samples of your blood to compare against for future testing."

"We won't," Anna said firmly. "Believe me, we've both been through worse situations so I know how this plays out when Starfleet gets involved. I want those samples gone."

_There's something not right here. She's angling for something else…_

_What are you really saying?_

Jim said nothing for a moment and then Anna looked over to the side, at the far end of the corridor. There was a door to another room there- the one Jim knew was empty. It was a slow and deliberate look and when her gaze slid back to him, Jim understood.

"How did you know that room was available?" he asked, stiffly.

"People tend to speak awfully loud in Ten Forward," Anna said. "You said it yourself earlier. I pay attention to everything. Imagine my surprise to find out that you recently had Ambassador Michele onboard and that he stayed only a couple of rooms away from the Captain…"

She trailed off and looked up at the ceiling, as if deep in thought.

"Once Trig gets released, I'm sure Doctor McCoy will want to turn his attentions on more interesting matters," she said. "He likes mysteries, doesn't he? He's a researcher at heart, I can tell. He saved my life and Trig's life. We owe him.

"Also, seeing as how you're so concerned about the possibility of a relapse, wouldn't it be a shame if the Doctor didn't have those samples on hand and Trig was on a separate deck from myself? This ship is so large- medical emergencies could quickly turn deadly, don't you agree, Captain?"

"You're trading tissue samples for that damn room?" Jim said, in a low voice. He could hardly believe it. She wanted Trig close so much that she was willing to allow McCoy samples from their own bodies to play with.

Jim suspected that Anna really didn't care what McCoy found or she didn't think he _could_ find anything. Her need to have Trig close overrode any sense of privacy or concern she had over those samples.

_But that still doesn't make sense if she…_

He sucked in a cold breath, realizing the extent of her manipulation.

Anna wasn't faking being ill. What she had done was to simply show him how physically frail she was. She had _allowed_ Jim to study her face, let some of her exhaustion show through in order for him to draw his own conclusions about the importance of having base tissue samples around. McCoy really did need them and not just to satisfy his own curiosity. At the same time, there was a threat underlying her words: _if you don't destroy those samples, I will make sure everyone knows about the treatment of FI officers under your care._

Anna was telling him without saying so directly that she would keep her mouth shut if Jim gave Trig the room.

Jim was torn. He felt anger that she was forcing him to act according to her wishes. Anger at how underhanded and cold she was, to think she could threaten and back him in a corner the way she did. But he was also heartsick. It was a clear sign that she did not trust him. She thought she had to play with him in order to get what she wanted, in order to be _helped._ And not only that, but Anna had to have also believed Jim was capable of cruelty in his own way. She felt she had to barter a part of herself, a part of her partner, in order for Jim not to separate them.

It was a twisted version of the truth, but Jim could easily see how Anna could feel threatened by him. He had almost yelled at her during their first meeting. When it seemed she was at peace during a meal, he had shown up and forced his company on her. She was among strangers, recovering from an unknown poison, with a partner to watch over and protect.

_Is this what the Federation Intelligence turned you into?_

_Hateful, suspicious, manipulative…_

Anna looked at him calmly, her face smooth and clear.

"You want that room so badly, you got it," Jim said. He wanted his voice to sound hard, to show the hurt he felt at her assumptions. But instead it sounded almost gentle. "I'll let McCoy know where to send Trig after his examination."

She nodded once and then took a step inside her room. Jim couldn't help notice the gleam of triumph in her eyes.

_Cold victory, sweetheart. I would have given it to you anyway if you had just waited._

"Anna," Jim said. She stopped and looked over her shoulder. "I meant what I said. You're safe here."

Her face tightened and Jim could sense her disgust at him.

"You keep saying that," she said. "Who are you trying to convince, Captain?"

She stepped into her room and the door slid shut.

###


	8. Chapter 7

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

Be forewarned. This chapter is loooong.

**Chapter 7:**

Anna felt her eyes open and her body sit up before she was truly _aware_.

She knew exactly where she was, who she was and how she had gotten there- that was almost never a problem for her. Years of having to catch short naps on the run had trained her to be conscious in the blink of an eye. Sounds, a change in light, even a slight shift in motion would jolt her awake. The only things that slowed her down were drugs and severe injuries… and the FI had ways around that.

Anna's problem was that she dreamed deeply. Having little to no transition from deep REM to full-on consciousness meant that sometimes, strong emotions carried over from her dreams. She had woken up a few times with tears on her face or a scream stuck in her throat. She was always, always able to control herself though; it was simply unacceptable to wake up shrieking in fear when you were in danger of being found by hostile forces.

She heard the familiar chirrup again _(ah, so that's what woke me up)_ and turned towards the room entrance from her place on the couch.

"Come in," she said and the doors slid open.

"Colonel?"

A tall figure stood in her doorway against the bright lights of the corridor outside. She shielded her eyes with one hand.

"Trig?" Her voice sounded rough. She glanced at chronometer on the table across the room and frowned. According to its flashing lights it was 0740- nearing the start of the Enterprise's Alpha shift.

"Sorry, Colonel," Trig said, stepping into the room. The doors hissed shut behind him and he stood straight, with his hand up to his brow in a stiff salute. He wore a loose gray undershirt and pants, similar to the clothing she had worn in the medical bay.

_Must have just left the doctor then._

"I didn't mean to wake you. The Doctor wanted to run additional tests- they took a little longer than expected."

"I've been out for almost seven hours," Anna said, standing up. She straightened her sweater, and looked up at the man before her. "I needed to wake up anyway. And stop with that Colonel stuff already. At ease."

Trig dropped his hand and relaxed. He smiled at Anna and she smiled back. Without a word, he crossed over to where she stood and picked her up in a warm, all engulfing embrace. They stood for a moment, just holding each. Anna clung to him tightly, needing to feel his solid form against hers.

"You jumped in the water after me," Trig said, his words muffled slightly. Anna felt his hot breath against her shoulder and she closed her eyes. "I felt your hand grab mine. You shouldn't have done that. If the Tressacks had found us…"

"But they didn't," Anna said, pulling back. She looked up into Trig's face and saw her own exhaustion reflected in the lines of his face. "Captain Kirk, the Enterprise got to us in time."

Trig sighed and let her go. He fell backwards onto the couch with a grunt and she sat down next to him, holding onto his hand. There was nothing romantic about the gesture; it was borne out of simple need. Trig was her connection to the _familiar_ and the _safe_ and she needed to hold on to him, needed to know he was there and that he was real.

She might have been an FI officer, severe and aloof, but those closest to her knew that she needed physical touch to ground her. It was simply a part of who she was, like the way she curled her hands into fists when she was nervous or upset.

Trig knew this and he squeezed her hand- _I understand. I'm here._

"You should have left me behind," Trig said, solemnly. His pale blue eyes were dark in the dim light of the room but his hair seemed to shine with a radiance of its own. "You could have made contact with home base sooner and kept Starfleet out of this if you'd just left me behind."

Anna stared hard at Trig and he stared back at her without flinching.

"Is that out of your system now?" she asked lightly. Trig scowled.

"Damn it!" he said in frustration, but he didn't let go of her hand. "One day your luck is going to run out and you'll…"

"It hasn't run out yet, Trig," Anna said. "And it won't run out. I'm the best, remember?"

She knew she sounded sluggish but it felt good not to pretend she was alright. She could let her defenses down, even for a short while. She could count on Trig to kick her ass, to bring her down a notch but he also allowed her to be herself. It was comforting to know that even on the Enterprise, she could depend on him.

Trig's face grew dark and she sighed. He was upset but she could see his worry and concern for her underneath it all.

"Trig, I know perfectly well what could have gone wrong, what _did_ go wrong and what we should and shouldn't have done. But we're here now and all that matters is what we do next."

She closed her eyes and pressed her free hand to her forehead. A slow, steady throb was beginning to build in her head and she knew she had to get something to eat soon. If she trusted Doctor McCoy, she would have gone to him for a painkiller but she didn't want any addendums to his medical report on her.

_The perils of a specially modified system._

_Damn those transfusions._

"Do you honestly think I would have left you behind?" Anna said, opening her eyes.

Trig's anger seemed to deflate and he shook his head. "I know you wouldn't leave me," he said softly. "It's just…No one would have blamed you if you did. It would have been the right thing to do."

"The right thing to do?" she asked. "Would you have left _me_ behind?"

"No." His answer was swift and lacked hesitation. Anna smirked at him.

"In that case, the matter is closed."

"As your security officer, it's my duty to keep you safe and to ensure that we reach our mission objective. I have the prerogative to reprimand you for willfully placing yourself in harm's way," Trig said. He reached out and touched her cheek gently. "But as your friend, all I can do is thank you. Again."

Anna nodded and leaned back and Trig pulled his hand away. They sat quietly for awhile, listening to the almost imperceptible hum of the ship.

"Bad dreams?" Trig said after awhile. He rubbed his fingers together and she realized with a start that she had woken up crying. He had felt tears on her cheeks.

_...holding her down they were holding her down and..._

_painpainpainpain_

_...there was a hypospray at her neck and Daniel's voice telling her to calm down to stop moving to stop..._

Anna frowned and shook her head, as if she could physically shake off the dream and its after-effects.

"Yeah, I guess," Anna said. She wiped her cheeks with her palms, letting go of Trig's hand and moving away from him slightly. She felt embarrassed and not a little sick. Had it been just a dream? It had seemed so real.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Not much to talk about," she said. She wasn't lying to him, not really. "Just... fragments of things."

"Not happy things, I'm guessing," he said and she shook her head.

"Are they ever?" she said, trying but failing to sound nonchalant. She shivered slightly and Trig narrowed his eyes but made no further comment.

"So, the Captain isn't posing as a distraction for you, is he?" Trig said, changing the subject. This time it was Trig's turn to smirk. "It didn't take a Betazoid to notice how tense you both were around each other."

Anna rolled her eyes but cringed inside. One skill that all FI officers had was observation. They could take note of and analyze their environment, people's body language, even the pattern of shadows, all within seconds. They missed _nothing_. Anna knew that the gift was a curse when it was directed at oneself.

"There's nothing important there, Trig. Move on," she muttered.

"He kept orienting himself towards you but I don't think he was even aware of it," Trig said, cheerfully ignoring her. "You knew each other before."

Anna sighed. Trig really did have a gift for weaponry but that was only an extension of his powerful sense of intuition. He just _knew_ what buttons to press and where the trigger was. She wished, not for the first time, that he only focused his intuitive powers on weapons.

"Trig…" Anna began but Trig gave her a look and she fell silent.

He stood up and began to walk around the dimly lit ready room, his gaze lingering briefly on the shaded door to her bedroom and then at the datapad on the low table in front of the couch that Anna sat on.

She watched as he moved silently, fingers pressing against surfaces, pale blue eyes searching, scanning for any oddities. After her first meeting with General Bishop, she had done her due diligence and searched the entirety of her quarters. Anna knew that Jim had not placed surveillance captures in any of the suites and she had seen no intra-ship communications that indicated otherwise.

She also knew for a fact that a communications officer, a Lieutenant Nyota Uhura had redirected all transmissions from the video comms in her room to feed directly into the Captain's link. There had been an electronic trail so obvious that it was laughable.

Anna had let General Bishop know that all video transmissions were being spied on and that any sensitive matters should be handled via her borrowed datapad. They could still pass information through regular transmissions but only for show and they couldn't avoid video comms: there was no need to raise any suspicions that Anna even had an inkling of what Jim was doing.

Anna felt her stomach churn at the thought of him. She pushed her feelings aside as Trig turned back to her.

"This room is safe," he said. He looked nonplussed. "Either the Captain is a very trusting man or he's found some other way to watch us."

"Hidden videos in the hallway and our outgoing comms are compromised," Anna said. She gestured to the PADD before her. "I hacked into _that_ a couple of days ago. It's our one secure link to the General and into the ship's mainframe. I've already input your security clearance codes so you can use it."

Trig's face lit up and he grinned broadly. Anna couldn't help but smile back. He really did look like a little boy at times, even though she was the younger one.

"You're a genius," he said brightly. He picked up the PADD and tapped in his code.

"Aren't we all?" Anna said. Trig frowned at what he read on the screen. Anna suddenly remembered what she had been reading before she had fallen asleep on the couch. She had been so tired that she hadn't even closed out of the file, much less make it to her bed.

_I shouldn't have missed that._

Again, she cursed the transfusions that the Doctor had ordered. They may have been necessary to keep her alive but the subsequent side effects were almost intolerable.

"Interesting reading material," Trig said, turning the PADD towards her. She rolled her eyes, walked over to where he stood and snatched it out of his hands. "Our fine Captain's personnel files?"

"Not just his. I have personnel files for all the senior officers. It's only fair," Anna said, turning the PADD off. She put it back down on the table and crossed her arms, feeling oddly vulnerable. "He tried to access my file. Someone named Montgomery Scott tried to break into Church."

Trig looked surprised and then he let out a laugh. "Did Bishop go apoplectic?" he asked, gleefully.

Anna knew that he enjoyed seeing their hard-as-nails General get angry, a feeling that Anna did not understand or share. Seeing General Bishop angry was like seeing a prehistoric Earth shark coming at you with its jaws wide open. She was only too glad that his fury had never been directed at her.

"No, he was more amused that they even tried," she said. "I decided to be generous though. Captain Kirk will gain access to my psychological profile and basic information by 0900 today."

Trig let out a low whistle. "Brave girl," he said. "I knew you had a masochistic streak but that's pretty extreme. You must have some crazy debt to pay the Captain."

"Something like that," Anna said quietly. She understood what Trig was saying; it was one thing for team members to have insight into your inner workings, quite another for strangers to have that kind of access. She wanted to let Jim think he had some leverage over her- it would make him more cooperative towards her and her team. It was human nature, after all. People always enjoyed thinking they had a leg up over someone else and pity was a great manipulation tool.

But she did feel as if she owed Jim _something_. She was giving him her psychological profile as a way to assuage part of her guilt.

"He won't be able to look at anything else beyond that. I don't think Jimmy realizes what he's started. He's on the General's watch list, that's for sure."

Trig's eyes widened slightly and Anna winced, realizing belatedly what she had said.

"Oh, so now it's _Jimmy_?" Trig said. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something but Anna held out her hand.

"Stop right there, Trig," Anna said. "All you need to know is that we were friends before I was recruited. That's it. Jim Kirk is a genius. He's reckless, overconfident but loyal to his crew and his friends. He had a rough childhood and a strained relationship with his mother and step-father. And you _know_ who his biological father was; I could tell when I introduced you. He has severe issues making emotional connections. He has a strong need for affection though- of the physical sort, anyway. He has problems with authority, save for one Admiral Pike."

Anna took a breath and let it out slowly.

"The most important thing you need to know is this. He's _Starfleet_. We have to watch ourselves around him and his crew."

Trig's face grew serious and Anna could almost feel his focus shift from pleasure to business.

"Any weaknesses we can exploit?" he asked. "Anything we can use to our advantage?"

Anna sighed and turned around to face the large picture window. She looked out at the stars beyond. She had always loved the starry night sky, even as a child. Even though there was no difference between night and day in space, looking at the stars soothed her and reminded her of home. Of better times. The hardest missions were the ones that took place underground, in closed off areas.

She waited patiently as Trig drew his own conclusions regarding the Captain's weaknesses.

"Oh," Trig said. She heard the comprehension in his voice. "So."

"So," Anna repeated. She forced herself to look back at Trig. "He wants to reconnect, that's all. He's curious about me and the FI so we should let him catch me alone a few times. Otherwise, he'll keep seeking me out and may decide to watch my room a little more closely. Once the Captain gets what he thinks he wants, he'll leave us alone."

"And what do you think he wants, Anna?" Trig asked warily.

Trig was protective of her, perhaps overly so but she knew that duty came first. Anna was willing to do what she needed to do. It was something she was used to. There was blood on her hands and she had committed countless sins. She had given up much more of herself than Trig had wanted her to.

But it had _always_ been her choice.

Anna shrugged, feigning ignorance.

"Information?" she said. "Trade secrets? According to his profile, Kirk is ambitious and curious. He wants what every motivated Starfleet officer wants. An inside look at the fabled FI."

"Don't play dumb, Anna. It doesn't suit you," Trig said. There was an edge to his voice, a hint of steel that made Anna's head ache even more. "How far do you think you'll have to go to satisfy the Captain's _curiosity_?"

"I doubt the Captain would force me to trade sex for our safe passage," Anna snapped. Trig flinched and looked away. "I told you they had our tissue samples and what I was prepared to do. I trust your quarters are next door?"

Trig nodded stiffly.

"You should have seen his face earlier, Trig," Anna said. "For all his faults, Jim Kirk is an honorable man, unlike other Fleet officers."

"I would feel better if we had our communicators," Trig said. He looked at the Starfleet communicator on her shirt with disgust. "If you're stuck in a situation and I'm not there…"

Anna smiled suddenly, surprised. "Trig, I can take care of myself," she said. "You _know_ this. Even if the Captain were to try and… which he wouldn't but if he did, I could easily inflict serious damage. Besides, we were only friends. We've never considered each other as anything more."

"Anna, we've both had transfusions," Trig said. His face was serious and grim. "We both underwent sessions with the hemopurifiers, Doctor McCoy told me as much. You know what that means. Until we're able to reconnect with Ven, we're down to less than forty percent of our full physical capabilities. I don't doubt that you can take the Captain down in a quick fight, but we're both still in recovery mode."

Trig shook his head and began pacing, something he often did when he was deep in thought or when something troubled him. Part of her ached for him- she hated that he was concerned for her sake.

"Trig, we both know the Captain is the least of our worries," Anna said softly.

"Yeah," Trig sighed. "I get that. But he's the easiest problem to solve."

Anna decided that it was time they got down to the matter at heart. She picked up the PADD and pulled up a file that outlined the Enterprise's next pick up point and General Bishop's orders.

"Fortunately, it will only be a week until we see Ven and the rest of the team," she said. Trig stopped pacing and looked at her, clearly pleased. "Bishop's given us the go-ahead to return to J-311."

She handed the PADD to Trig, who took it with one hand and read over it quickly. He grinned again.

"Say what you will about Bishop. But the man works wonders. I'm sure the Captain is ecstatic to know that his ship is essentially a transport vehicle for FI operations."

"Scan the next file," she said. "I told Bishop about the presence of Heretic on the planet. It's the Tressack base of operations, just as we thought it would be."

Trig did not look up from the PADD and Anna took a moment to study him. She could see that his cheeks were slightly sunken in and that he had lost weight, just as she had. He was still weak from his injuries and despite their playful banter and teasing, it was clear he was struggling mentally to connect the dots she was laying out for him. She wanted him to rest soon but right now they had to get on the same page.

_Who am I kidding? I'm not doing so great myself. _

_I'm so sorry I dragged you into this, Trig. I'll protect you, I swear._

_I'm sorry._

"Our suspicions concerning the leak were correct," she said. "General Bishop did a scan of all the FI comms from the past six weeks. The ambush, the fact the Tressacks were prepared for us… there was only one conclusion to be drawn. We were right and Bishop's findings confirmed it."

Trig raised his head slowly. "And?" he said, in a rough voice.

"Daniel," Anna said. Her voice was even and calm but Anna could feel Trig's eyes boring into her, watching for any sign of weakness or frailty. "He still had a line into our system but that's been stopped. Also, Bishop is looking into his recruitment process. There are registration abnormalities there that may lead us to bigger targets, maybe even the force behind this whole thing. He's alerted the rest of the command board. Certain subjects are already being privately monitored."

Anna raised her chin and looked him in the eye. "As of 2200 yesterday, his status has been updated to dishonorable discharge," she said. "Congratulations Trig. You're my new acting First Officer."

Trig didn't seem to hear her. An expression of barely controlled fury passed over his face.

"Code three is in effect then," he said.

"Yes. However, the General would be most pleased if we returned with the traitor alive," Anna said dispassionately. Inside though, her heart was racing and she felt the foul taste of bile at the back of her throat.

_Not allowed. I'm not going to let this take over me. _

_Not until after the mission is over._

"And you?" Trig said. "How do you want this to end?"

Anna felt a surge of love, fierce and strong and true, move through her. Trig was telling her that his loyalty belonged to her alone. If his finger slipped, if a weapon discharged early, accidentally, it was because he knew she needed it to. Before every operation they had together, he said similar words, made similar comments that all added up to the same meaning: _Tell me what you want and I will make it happen. _She missed the rest of her team. Her team was her family, the only people she trusted now. It was good to be reminded of the fact- the situation with Jim was nothing but a distraction. He meant nothing.

Jim Kirk was simply a means to an end.

_Keep telling yourself that and maybe it will be true, _a treacherous voice whispered inside her.

She ignored it.

"I would prefer it if Daniel were kept alive," she said. "He doesn't get the easy way out."

Trig nodded but his eyes were still wary.

"Anna, what Daniel did…" Trig began but she cut him off.

"I'm not going to talk about Daniel beyond this mission," she said shortly.

"Everything about Daniel _involves_ this mission and you know it," Trig said stubbornly. "He's a traitor and he was from the beginning. We were set up. _You especially._ This isn't your…"

"Don't say it, Trig," Anna said, feeling her entire body tense up. "I don't want to hear it wasn't my fault. Not from you, not from the General, not from anyone. It was my fucking fault that he got as far as he did and I take full responsibility for what I allowed him to do. After this mission, I'm turning myself in."

Trig's face registered shock and then he let out a short incredulous laugh. Anna felt her cheeks burn with shame but she said nothing.

"What, you think you're going to be _punished_ for what happened?" Trig said, his voice rising. "That's bullshit and you know it. You can't blame yourself, Anna, and if you do then we all share that blame. We all felt something was wrong but we didn't stop it. And it's pretty fucking clear to me that Daniel was only part of a bigger conspiracy.

"You may not want to hear it but it's true," Trig said firmly. "This isn't your fault. This is beyond you, beyond us. We'll fix the Tressacks and Heretic. Bishop will handle the rest."

He held up the PADD but Anna did not trust herself to take it from him. Her hands shook and she curled them up into fists.

"Now, since the Tressacks know about the vulnerabilities of our suits, we should ask Ben to make a few modifications before we reach the star base," Trig said, his voice brisk and business-like. "Also, we'll need to make sure that we use maneuvers Daniel is unfamiliar with. We have to assume that he's downloaded and studied all of our past missions and knows how we operate."

"Agreed," Anna said. She nodded at the PADD. "I've already started work on our execution strategy. You and I were out for a couple of days so Daniel's had that much more time in the database. Since Bishop's closed him off already, he doesn't know when or how we'll return to J-311."

"Got it. At least we still have some element of surprise on our side." Trig clicked through the datapad with a look of intense concentration. "This new plan looks excellent. I have a couple of additions to propose. After you look at them, I can send it off to the rest of the group for their input."

"Good."

"One last thing," Trig said, without looking up. "Daniel resembles Jim Kirk a little too close for comfort. You can't tell me you haven't noticed this. It was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the Captain."

Anna reeled backwards as if she had been physically hit. She blinked a few times and Trig slowly looked up, his eyes soft but stern.

"We both know you're emotionally compromised," he said. "And not just because Daniel was your lover."

"Do you think I'm not fit to command this mission, Major?" Anna said.

She tried but failed to keep the shocked hurt and indignation out of her voice. If he didn't think she was able to continue… she was too upset to be angry. After all, he was right. He only said what she had been thinking, what she was afraid was true. What she wanted to do was to run to the bathroom and throw up or cry or… anything but look at Trig's face at that moment.

_If Trig doesn't trust me, I'll step down, I'll let someone else take over. Trig can handle this. Paloma. Or North. _

_Someone better, someone less emotional, someone smarter…_

Trig took a step forward and reached out a hand towards her. "Anna, that's not what I..."

"Speak freely, Jansen. Don't sugarcoat it. What are you saying?"

"I think you're the perfect lead for this mission," Trig said. She could hear nothing but honesty in his voice, could see nothing but truth in his face. "There's no one else I'd rather follow, no one else I trust more. I know you'll use your emotions to our advantage. Clearly the General agrees since he hasn't pulled you out."

"So what's your point?"

He looked at her with such kindness then that Anna could not bear it. He hesitated for a moment and then took a deep breath, as if gathering up the courage for what he had to say next.

"You're one of my closest friends, Anna. You need to hear this," he said slowly. "You're reckless, overconfident but loyal to your team. You have severe issues making emotional connections but have a strong need for affection."

Anna stared at him, speechless.

"Sound familiar?" Trig asked. "You talk about your past in abstraction- that is, if you talk about your past at all. I think I get it now though. Jim Kirk has had more of an influence over you than you think and acting as if he doesn't matter won't help you now. I know you're not one for soul-searching but this time, you can't afford to pretend that what you had with Daniel didn't matter. The sooner you face…"

"Nothing _but_ the mission matters, Trig," Anna said coldly, finding her voice. Something inside of her twisted and then froze into place. It was odd how apart from herself she suddenly felt, like watching a holovid of an actor with her face. When she spoke next, she felt hollow and broken at the same time.

"There is nothing but the mission. Don't you ever forget that."

Trig's face fell but Anna was simply too overwhelmed to care. She felt a part of herself turn away and shut down, unable to deal with his words.

Anna glared at Trig for a moment daring him to say something more but he remained quiet. A look of deep regret flickered across his features before being replaced by a blank, expressionless gaze.

"Now, what additions were you planning to make to the plan?"

###

"Scott to Kirk, please respond."

Jim sat up in the captain's chair on the bridge and tapped his communicator. It was an hour into the Alpha shift and he had spent that time looking over the past shift reports, consulting with Sulu and Chekov regarding the fastest course to the Nuzum colony and then to the Gamma star base and speaking with Yeoman Rand about accommodations for the FI officers that were due to be beamed up to the Enterprise.

During all of this, part of him mulled over his last interaction with Anna Demerin.

Jim still could not believe she would think so little of him that she had to barter for a _room._ He was sure she had previous interactions with other Starfleet officers before- had she developed a distrust of all Starfleet members due to their actions or was the Federation Intelligence to blame? The girl he had known, his Anna, was naïve and almost too trusting. His Anna was smart but she had been shocked by the gratuitous cruelty and duplicity in others. Jim always provoked; Anna was content to react. She had needed Jim to watch over her, to protect her and he done so fiercely and without reservation.

As an only child, her parents sheltered her whereas Jim could not have had a more different childhood if it had been planned. He saw Anna as the one unsullied, pure thing he had in his life and when she was gone, when he felt he no longer had a purpose, he had given in fully to the self-destructive streak that was inherent in his nature.

In hindsight, he knew that their relationship had been a little unhealthy, a little _too_ co-dependent, but it had worked. Jim didn't believe in analyzing happiness. That was for people like Bones to study. He had been _happy_ with Anna and he could not understand the woman she was now.

But he wanted to.

"This is Kirk," he said, turning back towards the large screen in front of him. "Tell me you have good news, Scotty."

"Aye, laddie." Scotty's voice sounded excited. "Er, I mean, Captain. Aye, _Captain_. I'm sending a transmission to your ready room now. It's… that thing you wanted me to work on."

_So much for discretion, Scotty._

Jim mentally rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Understood," he said. "Kirk out."

He ended the transmission and glanced over his shoulder at Spock. The First Officer merely looked back at him calmly and nodded as if Jim had spoken out loud. He stood and made his way to the captain's chair.

"I'll be away forty-five minutes, tops," Jim said as Spock sat down in his chair. Jim began to walk towards his ready room at the side of the bridge before looking over his shoulder and calling out again. "Don't get too comfortable in that chair."

Spock raised his eyebrow, looking as annoyed as a Vulcan could without really changing expressions. Uhura looked up and narrowed her eyes at him from her console and Jim grinned before he turned his back on the rest of the crew. He would have stayed to tease Spock although he knew Spock didn't mind anymore. _Uhura_ minded. Her ire always amused Jim, but he had more important things to do than engage in verbal antics with his Comms officer.

The doors to his ready room slid silently shut behind him and he made his way quickly to the clear display panel at the far end of the room.

"Computer, door lock," Jim said absently, punching his security code on the console. The display shifted and darkened and Jim took a step back, waiting for Scotty's transmission to go through.

"Door lock," the computer said but Jim barely registered the sound. Scotty's short memo filled the screen before him.

_Captain- this is all me or the kid could pull up without setting off the FI's internal alarms. What's available is her psych profile and her current status info. The rest of her file is classified and shut up tighter than a Neasen's chastity belt. I hope this is enough for you. –MS_

"Next," Jim said.

The memo disappeared, replaced by a large shot of Anna's face and neck against a stark white background. Her hair was pulled back and a date at the corner of the image stated that it had been taken only a few months prior.

For a moment, Jim stared at the image, unable to tear his eyes away.

She had grown up to be a beautiful girl, of that there was no doubt, but there was a brittle, hard quality in the straight, unsmiling line of her mouth and in the sharp angles of her cheeks. Behind her fine pale features was something dark and unsettling, a sort of world-weariness that was both sad and frightful. She was a young woman, still unblemished and untouched by the ravages of time, younger than him even, but her large gray eyes seemed tired as if they had seen too much already.

_I'm looking too hard. I'm adding more than there is._

Jim rubbed his eyes with both hands. He looked up again and sighed.

"Next," Jim said and the display shifted into text.

_**HIGH SECURITY ALERT: **_

_**Unauthorized viewers will be prosecuted according to **_

_**Federation Intelligence code 539.826.3; **_

_**Starfleet Intelligence code 539.04; **_

_**Starfleet (majora) code 539.452**_

**Federation Intelligence**

**Personnel Contents for:**

**Anna Claire Demerin**

**DOB:** 2234.07 (CA: 26)

**Entry: **2251.07

**Current Status: **Active Duty: Stealth, Alpha

**Rank:** Colonel, 1st year

**Command Team:**

Major Daniel Gaines, First Officer [_Non-active:_ MIA 2259.08. Updated 2260.1: Dishonorably Discharged]

Major Greger Halvar Jansen, Security, Acting First Officer [_Active]_

Commander Paloma Tanz, Communications [_Active_]

Commander Alessander Levine, Navigation [_Active_]

Commander Matthew ven Christie, MD, Science [_Active_]

Lieutenant Commander Benjamin Cormick, Technology/Tactician [_Active_]

**Profile Contents:**

Campaign Record [Locked]

Commendations [Locked]

Core Specialties [Locked]

Medical: Physiological Record [Locked]

Medical: Psychological Profile [Unlocked]

Jim licked his lips and took a deep breath. The word _unlocked_ flashed at him in bright blue, like a beacon.

"Next."

###


	9. Chapter 8

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**Chapter 8:**

_**Federation Intelligence Academy**_

_Demerin, Anna Claire _

_Cadet, 1__st__ year, 2__nd__ semester_

_Age: 17 years, 8 mos. (see DOB)_

_**Major Track:**__ Science: Structural Data & Programming_

_**Minor Track:**__ Science: Biotechnology_

_**Minor Track II:**__ Science: Biology (Humanoid; non-Xeno)_

_**Focus:**__ Research & Development_

_**PSY Note:**__ General Rhodes has requested a full psychological profile for Cadet Demerin. He feels that Cadet Demerin has the potential for success in the Command Track but needs further assessment before she is approached regarding a change from the Science Track to… _

_Initial simulation performance(s) have proven that Cadet Demerin is able to lead successful campaigns with both large and small teams, demonstrating creative thinking, strategy and tactics. Her scores on the Applied Science & Engineering Aptitude (AS&EA) tests have shown her to be exceptionally…_

_After an initial meeting with the Cadet wherein a small scale psychological stress test was conducted, it is my concern that she is emotionally immature and prone to develop dependent/co-dependencies with subjects she deems protective entities. This tendency is due in some part to her youth and inexperience, but she seems to have a predisposition for this behavior. In physical situations that require quick thinking, instant decisions and action, Cadet Demerin is a capable and strong leader. However, in singular conditions requiring a great emotional effort or defense, the Cadet falters and will likely defer to authoritative figureheads regardless of…_

_A second meeting, wherein a more demanding stress test will be conducted, is scheduled for…_

###

_Session 2:_

Anna sat at a plain metal table with her hands curled into fists on her lap. She was still and very, very pale. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears and her lips were slightly parted and she looked down at the surface of the table as if it held the secrets of the universe.

She looked maybe seventeen or eighteen years old. The expression on her face (_shaken, dazed_) and the way her large eyes seemed to take up half her face made her seem years younger, as if the previous hour and a half had wiped the years away.

She looked heartbroken. Defeated.

"Cadet Demerin, this session is over."

Anna jerked suddenly, startled by the voice and looked up. Her mouth trembled. But then the moment passed and she lifted her chin up slightly, almost defiantly. Her hands uncurled against her thighs.

"Yes, ma'am," Anna said in a soft, shaky voice.

She stood up, her shoulders straight and her entire body seeming to scream with discomfort, and pushed back her chair. It made a screech as it slid across the floor but she did not seem to hear it or mind the sound. With distant, unseeing eyes, Anna brought her hand up to her brow in a stiff salute.

"You are dismissed."

Anna brought her hand down slowly and walked towards the door. She passed near the camera and the harsh lights overhead shone in her eyes still thick with tears for a brief moment as she stepped out of the stark gray room.

###

… _there are certain areas where Cadet Demerin shows extreme vulnerability to attack. She has produced acceptable reactions under a prolonged full-scale psychological assault however…_

_Based on her responses during today's session, I believe the Cadet is a good candidate for transfer into the Command Track. However, endurance training under sustained mental duress coupled with physiological stress is necessary to dismantle the cadet's current defense mechanisms and emotional instability and rebuild her…_

_The process will commence when the Cadet begins the Evaluation Boards. I recommend a…_

###

Jim felt as if he were going to throw up.

Contrary to what he told Spock earlier, he had stayed in his ready room, watching session after session, speeding through some scenes and re-watching others, for nearly two hours. He knew Spock would have come in if there was immediate need for him to be on the bridge. He also knew on some level that he _needed_ to see this for his own sake, pushing aside the added benefit of insight into FI methodology. He had read through Anna's psychological reports, staring at the words until his eyes stung and his stomach churned.

Jim had witnessed someone being slowly and systematically torn apart.

Whatever the Federation Intelligence had called it, Starfleet had a different name for what he had watched Anna go through: torture.

Sure, Jim and his co-cadets at Starfleet had been through torture scenarios, theoretical and applied, physical and psychological. But there was a level of trust involved, that the officers in charge would _stop_ if a cadet was in any true danger, mental or otherwise. The exercises he had endured were brutal and exhausting but at the heart of each drill was a certain sense of safety. Jim had known that he was being trained to build strength of character, to hammer out impurities and to prepare him for unknown challenges.

Jim found no such framework in what he had seen. He now understood why the FI field teams were so small in number.

During a few sessions he watched, Anna had been brought in by stone-faced guards, bleeding and clearly in physical pain from a 'training' drill. She still carried her survival pack on her back and a weapon in her hand during those times. Jim had studied her battered face and torn hands, her body shaking with hypothermia and blood loss, as an unknown, unseen doctor ripped her apart with words. Her expression during those times, bewildered and helpless, were somehow worse than her physical wounds.

Some sessions had taken place in the middle of the night, with Anna still in her regulation sleepwear, hair uncombed, face haggard from lack of sleep and red eyes blinking tiredly at the harsh lights.

She had been drugged during some sessions, with her eyes so dilated that they were nearly black and her neck still bearing the mark of a hypospray. During those times, she had struggled to answer questions mercilessly thrown at her and looked so confused and so vulnerable and so damn _young _that Jim could not watch the sessions in their entirety.

Jim had seen Anna weep bitterly into her hands, her thin shoulders heaving with sobs as a doctor calmly told her that she was a failure, a disgrace, a dishonor to herself, her class, her parents, the Federation.

Over and over and over.

It seemed to go and on, with Anna growing frailer and weaker and smaller. There were different doctors, using different tactics- even different rooms and settings- to break her, to shatter her sense of self and security. Some tried to gain her trust at first, speaking kindly and gently, before tearing her back down into a wild-eyed, confused mess. Others had screamed at her, some had threatened. But each session would turn out the same: with Anna walking out, shaken and spiritually crushed.

And then things began to shift.

Jim noticed that over time, she began to grow apathetic to the doctors' mocking tones. She looked unruffled when one doctor yelled into her face about how pathetic and weak she was.

As the sessions became more brutal and more _personal, _Anna began to change. She grew less responsive. The bright, curious light in her eyes dimmed and then sharpened into something cruel and almost malevolent. Even the lines of her body and her face seemed to alter. She carried herself differently. When she sat down, her back was straight and proud and there was an arrogance in the sway of her hips when she walked through the door. She moved insolently, almost lazily and Jim could recognize the _dare_ in each gesture; she had gone from being afraid of the doctors, to hating them, to taunting them.

She even looked physically stronger. Leaner and harder but without the fragility that had marked her earlier sessions.

Jim had felt something icy touch the back of his neck when, during one session, Anna had smiled at a doctor after he had threatened to hurt the members of her team. Her leg had been broken that time- she had literally been _dragged_ into the room from a drill, and her hair was matted and filthy with sweat and dirt and blood. She sat on the edge of the chair, with her shin bent at an odd angle, and her breaths shallow and quick. Jim had recognized the sound from his own experiences. She must have been in severe pain and close to shock.

There was a long, ugly gash at the side of her mouth that had split open when she grinned. Blood covered her teeth and she had laughed at the doctor.

"_They shouldn't use the same doctors twice,"_ Anna had said, clutching the sides of her thighs, as if to keep herself together. Speaking clearly took an effort but she went on, letting blood and saliva drip down her chin without a care.

"_I'm told I'm a bit of a computer genius but I bet you knew that. Did you know that I recently developed a facial recognition program based on the electrical output from certain memories? It's a complicated thing but in humanoids, faces seem to generate a certain signature output- something about the patterns of firing electrons to certain regions. You wouldn't understand it. I've been able to isolate those types of signatures."_

"_Why are you telling me this?"_ the doctor, a man with a low deep voice, had asked. Jim had heard a slight tremor under his words. He had seemed startled by the break in pattern.

"_Because I've used my memories of these sessions as the test. I've been able to tie them back to the FI database,"_ Anna said. Her smile grew wider and Jim thought she had looked almost insane. A wild, manic light had entered her eyes and she looked feverish and excited_. _

"_I know who you are and where you live,_ _Doctor Holmes. You and your wife and your children. If you hurt anyone on my team…"_

The doctor had ended that session abruptly.

Jim had closed her file at that point. He was not prepared to see someone he loved (someone he _had_ loved, he corrected himself) transform into something nearly unrecognizable. Jim could not stomach reading any more of the written psychological reports since they described exactly how Anna reacted and why and how to move forward with even more stress testing_._ The reports were frightening in their dry, clinical language; frightening because there was no empathy there, no humanity, no guilt or remorse. They merely asked how far they could push a _subject_ and how much more the _subject_ could endure.

_The FI is in the business of creating sociopaths._

Jim laughed out loud at the idea but his laughter sounded hysterical and he could feel panic, bright and scalding, bubbling up from his stomach to the back of his throat.

"Door lock override," the computer's voice said and Jim looked up from where he stood, startled.

"Spock," Jim said. He rubbed his eyes and turned his back on the display, needing to stand between his First Officer and Anna's files. He didn't know who exactly he was protecting- Spock or Anna- but he knew he had to stand between them now.

"We've been hailed by the Chieftain of the Nuzum colony. He would like to extend a welcome to the Enterprise before we enter orbit," Spock said as he walked into the room. His dark eyes focused on Jim, impassive and bland as the doors closed behind him. "As Captain, you should be the one to receive his transmission. Otherwise I would not have…"

"You don't have to explain, Commander," Jim said. He felt tired and needed the company of people, _his _people, around him. "I'll come back to the bridge. I trust everything is in order- no explosions, Klingon attacks or disruptions of the space-time continuum take place in the past couple of hours?"

"There have been no anomalous occurrences since you left your post, Captain," Spock said.

"Well, a guy can dream, can't he?" Jim said, forcing himself to smile but Spock only stared at him. He rubbed his hand across his face again and took a deep breath. "Alright, let's go."

Jim took a step forward but Spock didn't move. Instead he tilted his head to the side and glanced at the screen.

"Captain, if I may speak freely…"

"Go for it."

"I assume you gained access to Colonel Demerin's personnel files based on the communication from Lieutenant Commander Scott. Were you able to shed light on her mission?"

"No," Jim said. He didn't want to look back at the screen. In fact, he felt like asking engineering to replace it with a completely different display panel altogether. In his opinion, the damn thing was tainted now. "Scotty couldn't open up her entire file without setting off the FI internal alarms but he was able to get into her psychological profile."

Spock raised an eyebrow, curious. Jim closed his eyes briefly, gathering himself. When he opened them again, he felt calmer but no less troubled.

"What do you know about the FI Academy's Command Track?" Jim asked quietly. Spock frowned. "Specifically their psychological endurance and stress tests."

"The Federation Intelligence is extremely guarded about their processes. I have no personal insight into their practices regarding Command cadets."

"What about hearsay? Rumors?"

"Captain, I do not deal in idle speculation."

"Dammit Spock, nevermind then," Jim said, annoyed. He began to move towards the door when Spock spoke again. This time his voice was quieter, almost tense.

"Tracks within the Federation Intelligence Academy are highly specialized and leverage different psychological methods based on traits required for certain fields," he said. Jim turned around and stared at him but Spock looked at the wall. "Because of the nature of their positions, commanding officers within the Federation Intelligence are trained to endure extreme environmental pressures."

"That sounds similar to Starfleet's Command track," Jim said. "So what's different?"

Spock hesitated. His dark eyes met Jim's own. "Their practices are rumored to be exceptionally severe," Spock said. "They use enemy techniques for cadet exercises."

"So did Starfleet."

"Starfleet's exercises were carried out in brief durations," Spock said. There was something in his even gaze that troubled Jim. "I have heard that the Federation Intelligence psychological stress tests take place right up to the day prior to graduation from the Academy."

"How long is the Command track?" Jim asked.

'Three years," Spock said. "They do not have summer or winter breaks in the year as Starfleet does and therefore graduate a year earlier."

_She had to endure that shit for three years. _

Jim was suddenly furious. Someone had hurt what belonged to him. Jim knew that what he felt was irrational- Anna hadn't ever belonged to him except in his mind but she had been his to protect once. His to love and his to lose. Anna had chosen her path in life and any abuse, any injury she received after she left him behind was her burden to bear- _it was_ _her own damn fault-_ but that didn't matter. It didn't matter that it happened years ago, that there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it. The fact that she was here now, that she was alive, didn't matter.

They had _hurt _Anna.

She might not have bore physical scars from her experience but he knew they were there. Just as his experiences had marked him inside. He knew what it was like, to _hatehatehate_ and come close to being consumed by rage. Jim had been spared the worst when he had Anna- in her, he had purpose. _Keep out of trouble and you get to keep her._ Despite the beatings from Frank, despite the helplessness and loneliness he had felt at being abandoned by first his mother and then Sam, despite the contempt his teachers had shown him because he was belligerent and hyperactive but smarter than all the other stupid little brats in their care, Jim had survived and even thrived. Anna had depended on him and even as a child he knew he could not, would not let her down.

Anna kept him from losing all control, just as Starfleet and his ship and crew did now.

To see someone hurt her, to watch as she broke down again and again was nothing short of blasphemous.

"What did you see?" Spock said. A small wrinkle formed between his eyes, a rare show of emotion, and he turned towards Jim fully. "Were you able to gather any intelligence regarding Colonel Demerin's current mission from her psychological profile?"

"There was nothing there about her current mission," Jim said. He hesitated, unsure how much he should or could tell Spock then decided that it didn't matter. He could trust his First Officer; that was the whole point of his position. "But if you want to watch it…"

"Captain," Spock said and then paused briefly. "_Jim_, you seem troubled. I think it best that I refrain from viewing her personnel file."

"Spock, I wasn't looking at it objectively," Jim admitted with a sigh. "I want you to watch it. I couldn't… I _can't_ go through the entire thing. There are reports in there and video captures of her test sessions- probably all the way up to her graduation, but I can't finish it. It's… too much."

_I need you to do this for me and tell me how it ends._

_How dangerous, how unstable, is the Anna on my ship? _

_(Is she still mine?)_

At that last thought, Jim looked back at the glass screen. It was blank now, seemingly clean but…

"Yes, Jim," Spock said. "I'll have Lieutenant Commander Scott send her files to my secure link immediately."

Jim felt something in him loosen and he smiled at Spock. They didn't have a typical friendship and their relationship had not yet reached the potential Ambassador Spock had shown him, but Jim was beginning to understand the subtle nuances of Spock's personality. He knew that when Spock called him by his first name, he was honoring their blossoming friendship. Jim had asked Spock to do something for him, a personal request and Spock had agreed to do it. And having Anna's file sent under a secure comms line meant that Spock would keep the matter private.

"Thank you," Jim said relief evident in his tone. "I just… thank you."

Spock nodded once and then motioned towards the door. "We should return to the bridge, Captain."

"Yeah, okay," Jim said, walking towards the door again. He looked up and winked at Spock. "You know, I'm surprised you don't try and keep me away from the bridge more often. After all, I know you like my chair."

Spock's glare said more than words could.

###

"Slowly, Anna. Take it slow. You broke your arm so distribute your weight accordingly."

Anna looked down at Trig before curling her hands around the ropes, one on each side of her. She closed her eyes briefly.

_Breathe in. _

She pushed herself forward in the air, feeling her body swing up.

_Hold._

She stayed that way for a moment, with the ropes wrapped around her lower arms and her body as stiff and straight as a line, and then swung herself backwards.

_Breathe out. _

She moved up quickly this way, coiling the ropes around her extended arms, slowly but surely rising.

She looked down at Trig who nodded solemnly and then she pushed her body up so that her legs wrapped around the ropes above her. Carefully, she moved her upper body so that her waist bent at a 45 degree angle and began to unwind the rope from her arms. Once free, she propelled herself forward so that she was standing up, with the rope now wound around her feet as a makeshift platform.

"Good job!" Trig called out. Happiness bloomed in her chest at his praise as she looked down at him.

"The view is nice up here," Anna said. She glanced at the closed door of the holodeck and surveyed the simulated grass below her. Long Andorian ropes surrounded her, seemingly suspended in mid-air. Fluffy white clouds moved slowly along the wide expanse of light blue sky. In the distance, gray mountains marked the horizon.

Behind her was a wide mirror where she glanced often to make sure her body was perfectly aligned with each move.

It was a surreal sight but beautiful and peaceful. Just the thing they needed after a tension-filled morning.

Anna extended one leg forward and wrapped another rope around her shin. She could feel the stretch in her muscles and she took a deep breath before adding one more loop. "Wish you were here to see it."

"Someone's got to spot you," Trig said, grinning. "Besides, I'm still a bit woozy from all that sleep I had a few days ago."

"It's called a coma," Anna said, shaking her head, frowning. She shook her leg free and then swung from side to side, gaining speed and force. When she had built up enough momentum, she let go of the rope she held on to and reached out for another rope. Within seconds, she had coiled it around her waist and hung nearly horizontal, face down, thirty feet from the ground.

She stretched up, feeling a pleasant pull in her back. "After this, I'm ordering you to bedrest."

"You're no fun," Trig said, with a mock pout. "You asked me if I wanted to play in the holodeck. I didn't know _playing_ meant making sure you didn't break your neck."

"I _asked_ you if you could be my spotter," Anna said. "I don't recall ever saying we'd be playing. I know your idea of _playing _and frankly, neither of us are up to it. And I've never fallen from the Andorian rope set. In fact, you were the one that got me started on these things in the first place."

She pushed herself up again so that her head was towards the ground and began to move her legs in unison, winding the ropes around them. She bent her knees and released her grip on the ropes. Anna hung upside down. She could see the long tail of her hair in her peripheral.

"Yes, well," Trig muttered. "You throw like a girl."

Anna glared at him and crossed her arms across her chest. The movement caused her to sway slightly.

"Women naturally have less upper body strength," she said. "And even with a reduced amount of N-serum in my system, I can still kick your ass on the ropes course. I want to see you try and climb up here."

"Show off," Trig said, but there was no rancor in his tone. Instead he grinned up at her again, his expression open and relaxed.

Anna knew that Trig was bored and tired after their strategy session in her quarters. She had tried to make him take a few hours off to sleep but he had refused. Anna suspected he simply didn't want to be alone but she still wanted him to relax a bit, short of asking Doctor McCoy for a high dosage sedative. Trig was a social creature, much more so than she was. Whereas she thrived on solitary activities- diving and strap acrobatics, he liked being part of a group. Being on the Enterprise with time to kill, amongst strangers and possibly hostile Starfleet officers, did not make for easy friendship-building.

Anna knew, however, that there were several holodecks on the Enterprise and if she could give her new First Officer a few moments outdoors- even in simulation- then she would. He liked being outdoors during the rare time off between missions.

Besides, she needed a workout.

They were both still healing but she had gotten a head start on him. She hadn't wanted him to strain himself yet and she was aware that his idea of fun usually included big guns, hand-to-hand combat and something unpleasant running after him. But the view and the wide open space would help put him at ease. At least until the rest of her team showed up.

Trig frowned suddenly and tilted his head to the side.

"Someone's coming, I think," he said. He glanced at the door. "I felt a shift in..."

Suddenly the doors opened and Jim Kirk walked in. It was clear that he had just taken a shower and shaved. Anna could smell the soap from where she hung and the tips of his dark blonde hair were still damp. She also knew he had just changed into a fresh uniform- there were creases in the front of his trousers and on the sides of his sleeves. The scent of laundry and chemicals replaced the soap and she wrinkled her nose.

Jim noticed Trig first which was natural since he was actually standing _on _the ground as opposed to hanging above it. She watched quietly as he took a step towards her officer with a frown.

_He doesn't like Trig_, Anna realized, with a little surprise. It was clear in Jim's eyes as he moved towards the blonde FI officer with a look of faint displeasure. He was trying to hide it by adopting a serious expression but Anna could easily see through him.

_Odd._

_Is it because he's FI or something else?_

"Trig, have you seen…"

Trig calmly pointed up and Jim froze.

She supposed it was almost comical then, how round his blue eyes became and how his mouth dropped open in surprise when he realized where she was. For a moment, they just stared at each other and then his eyes seemed to crawl up the length of her body and then back down to her face.

His cheeks turned bright red and his eyes grew dark.

She dreaded what she knew would come next but she kept her face perfectly neutral.

"Anna, get down from there!" he cried out. His boots sunk into the dirt and grass as he stomped towards her, where Trig stood. "You'll hurt yourself!"

"Captain Kirk, I am perfectly fine," she said evenly but she didn't argue. She lifted herself up using the muscles in her torso, grabbed onto a stretch of rope above where her legs were and carefully freed herself before climbing her way down.

When she hopped back down to the ground, she made a show of dusting herself off and wiping her hands on the jumpsuit that she had borrowed from the laundry team. They had been nice enough young men, Yeoman Michaels and Yeoman Urkheimer if she remembered correctly, and had been all too willing to outfit her with appropriate workout gear. They didn't know who she was or where she came from and that suited her just fine. They had almost tripped over themselves in trying to get her clothing.

The jumpsuit was form-fitting but it allowed her to move among the ropes with little trouble. Back at the FI training pits, her team was used to getting around in next to nothing during physicals. They regularly trained together, both in civvies and their regulation uniforms so Anna hadn't thought twice about her current attire.

Now though, she felt exposed and suddenly self-conscious. Insecurities she hadn't felt about her physical state in many years rose up and she was annoyed with herself. She folded her arms across her chest and forced herself to look at him squarely.

Jim was studying her with an intense scrutiny. She flushed, knowing how she must have looked. An hour spent on the ropes meant that she was now grimy. Andorian rope courses helped develop balance and provided an intense sort of weight training. She was essentially fighting gravity and that worked up quite a sweat over the past hour.

The computer-generated breeze had done nothing to cool her down and she forced herself not to reach up and wipe her brow or to look at the mirror to her side. She was dirty and suddenly very tired. Her limbs were throbbing, though not painfully, but it had been awhile since her last ropes course.

"I just needed to stretch, Captain," she said calmly. "I was in no danger."

"Bullshit. You weren't using a net," he said, in a low, hoarse voice. His anger seemed to radiate from his body as he glared at her. "You could have slipped and there would have been nothing to break your fall. Or you could have gotten stuck and cut off your circulation. You could have gotten a cramp up there and broken your damn neck."

Jim's eyes flashed and looked at the ropes and then back at her. His angry expression dissolved any sense of embarrassment she had about her appearance; he had _no right_ to be worried about her or to chastise her as if she were a child.

"I know what I'm doing," she snapped, uncrossing her arms. She felt herself move into a defensive stance. "Trig was here to watch out for me and the program is set to safe. I'm an expert on…"

"Those ropes are forty feet high. I don't care how well you think you know…"

"They're thirty feet high, not forty. And it sounds like you're concerned about the effectiveness of _your_ ship's safety measures so perhaps you should worry about that more than…"

"I'm not worried about my _ship_," Jim bit out. "Or her safety settings. We have a perfectly good gymnasium on deck…"

"That deck isn't equipped with a ropes co…"

"Captain Kirk," Trig said. His mellow voice sounded almost amused. They both looked at him and Anna saw that he was struggling not to smile. She knew Jim would fail to notice the subtle quirk of his mouth but she noticed it. "The next time we train in the holodeck, I'll make sure we use a net. This was my failing as a security officer. I should have insisted on the proper equipment, especially in consideration of her injuries. It won't happen again, sir."

Jim opened his mouth and closed it, seemingly taken aback by Trig's comment. He nodded and a faint, smug look began to settle in his features as he looked at her with his bright blue eyes. Anna felt her ire rise and she turned towards Trig, ready to verbally reprimand him. He had deferred to Jim Kirk, of all people and she was not about to let him get away with it.

But before she could say anything, Trig spoke up.

"However, like Anna said she's an expert in Andorian rope maneuvers. Even invented a few of the positions that're now being used in both Starfleet and FI courses," Trig said. His pale eyes were serene but cautious as he looked at Jim. "I've never seen her fall or slip once in eight years. Anna knows her strengths and her limitations. It's why she made Colonel, after all."

The smug look disappeared and Jim's face grew dark but Anna knew he wouldn't press the issue. If there was anything that Jim wouldn't do, it was question her title or her abilities. After all, he was the youngest captain in Starfleet history- he knew what it was like to have his youth held against him. He was defensive about his promotion and those of his senior staff.

It was clear that Trig had read Jim's file and had drawn the correct conclusions.

_Good job, Major._

_But we'll still have to discuss the matter of you interrupting me. _

She glanced at Trig and he looked back at her, his face guarded. He seemed to relax when he saw that she approved.

"Captain, I will be careful next time," she said. Jim narrowed his eyes and let out a short breath, but said nothing. "Now, you were obviously looking for me."

Jim pressed his lips together and she waited patiently for him gather his thoughts and speak first. She could see he was still angry which was odd… until she realized that his anger went far beyond being worried about her.

_Did it bother you that much, Jim? Seeing my profile?_

Suddenly the heat in his eyes, the careful way he studied her, took on a new meaning.

Anna knew Jim had always been protective of her. The Jimmy Kirk she remembered had been a champion of the underdog, the victim and the defenseless. As a child, Anna had been smaller and weaker than other children and any insult or injury to her made him lash out. It was his natural reaction; growing up he hadn't had much in way of protection so he took on that role as a defense mechanism. Anna suspected that there was a part of him that believed that he deserved pain and abuse and that by extension, he could not stomach the abuse of others. She could see the signs manifesting now. She supposed that because of their past history, his former feelings were even more acute.

Anna had been counting on this. It had been a calculated risk, to open up her psych files for his viewing, and she was hoping for a high return on the investment. The more preoccupied he was with her supposed mistreatment, the less focused he was on digging up information on Heretic and the FI.

But…there was a part of her that was still ashamed by the sessions recorded in her profile. She had been humiliated, and degraded, her worst fears and weaknesses laid bare for anyone to see. She was using herself as both a controlling measure and as a sacrifice, an apology, to Jim. She believed sacrifices had worth only if they made you bleed.

Still though, it was hard to look at him face on, knowing what he had seen of her.

"Captain?" she pressed. "Was there something you wanted from us?"

Jim glanced at Trig and then sighed. His shoulders were still tense but he seemed resigned.

"Yeah, actually," he said. "I wanted to see if you were still up for a tour of the ship. Trig is welcome, of course. But if you're busy then I can…"

"Actually, we're done here, right Colonel?" Trig spoke up. He looked at Anna and she could see that he really was _done_. Trig needed to rest. "Weren't you just saying that you were going to order me to bedrest?"

"That would be an abuse of power, wouldn't it?" Anna said. She looked at him fondly and had to stop herself from reaching out. She needed to touch him, if only to make certain he was truly okay but not in front of Jim. "I only suggested that you might want to rest. You might have misinterpreted my concern for an order."

"Nope," Trig said. He rocked back on his heels and grinned at her. "I distinctly heard the word 'order' and 'bedrest' put together and I've never been one to ignore commands, ma'am."

Anna smiled at him and she could almost feel Jim's eyes moving back and forth between them. She knew he was tracking their conversation, studying the way they interacted and that was okay with Anna. Seeing her in a playful sort of mood might help set his mind at ease and keep him from slipping back into his protective role over her. She needed him to be sympathetic and distracted, not personally concerned with her affairs.

It was a fine line to tread but she had no choice.

"If that's the case, then what are you still doing here, Major?" she asked. Trig laughed and saluted and she shook her head at him. She turned to Jim. "I'd like some time to freshen up but I would like a tour of the ship. May I have thirty minutes?"

Jim hesitated, his eyes darting to Trig, before nodding.

"Sure," he said. "That's fine. Do you want to grab something to eat afterwards? More than soup and fries this time, I mean."

Anna saw Trig's confused expression from the corner of her eye. Jim was trying to share something with her, in front of Trig- a private joke. He wanted to show Trig that he too could have a part of her that didn't include anyone else.

Anna sighed mentally.

…_oh_ _Jimmy…_

"That sounds fine," she said. "There's no need to wait for me, Captain. I can meet you at…"

"Ten Forward," Jim said. His lips curved up in a half smile. "Our booth?"

Trig raised an eyebrow and there was a joke there, just on the tip of his tongue.

"You mean the same booth we sat in the last time we shared a meal?" Anna said, giving Trig a sharp look. He pressed his lips together but his eyes twinkled. She knew he would hold any comments until they were alone. But still.

"That works."

"Perfect," Jim said. "And since I'm headed your way…"

"You don't have anywhere else to be?" Anna asked, irritated. Jim shook his head.

"I was going to swing by engineering but that's only a few decks below," he said easily. "We can at least share a turbolift."

"How fortunate we are to have such a distinguished escort," Trig said, smiling at Anna. "Come on Colonel, let's get back to our quarters. We can continue tomorrow… with a net of course."

He looked up. "Save program. End."

"Confirmed," the computer said. "Current program saved."

The peaceful world darkened and then disappeared altogether, leaving all three of them in a dark room with softly lit grids. Anna was sad to see it all go. Something must have shown on her face because Jim looked sympathetic as he watched her. He made a move as if to say something but she looked away from him, embarrassed.

"After you, ma'am," Trig said brightly, gesturing towards the exit.

Anna walked past him towards the door, not bothering to acknowledge the wink he gave her as she did.

###


	10. Interlude: Jimmy and Anna

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

A short scene taken from their teenage years.

**Interlude: Jimmy and Anna**

It was a cool Spring day, only a few months away from graduation, and Anna Demerin sat in her Microbiology class taking notes on her datapad. She knew most of the course material already but she wasn't sure if Professor Asensi would include anything outside of their required reading materials on the final exam.

Her fingers moved quickly over the screen, inputting information as fast as she could while he dictated, pulling up corresponding images and references when she needed to.

"Though some critics are skeptical of directed mutation, hypermutation and their intellectual offspring, other scientists seem to agree that certain factors seem to drive the rise of high mutators because they can evolve resistance far quicker than those of other bacteria which lack these factors. In the late 21st century, it was hypothesized that…"

The past four years of high school had seemed to pass by in a whirlwind and she was eager to get on with her life. She didn't know what she wanted to do yet- maybe become a doctor, or go into research like her mother- but she was excited about what the future held. She had just turned sixteen and the world was bright with possibilities.

Suddenly, a small icon flashed in the corner of her screen, indicating an incoming message from one of her classmates. She frowned, irritated that she had forgotten to turn off transmissions during class but curious about what the message contained and who it was from.

She had only a few friends; being younger than most everyone in her class was a slight hindrance to developing friendships and the fact that she was smarter and less interested in the current trends, fashion and school gossip didn't help either. But the truth was she was best friends with Jimmy Kirk and he took up most of her time and energy.

Anna knew, with an odd sort of intuition, that while she was _nerdy_, she was considered a pretty girl. She knew that her looks alone could have made a big difference in the way she was treated if she had decided to use them to her advantage. But she couldn't help the way she looked (her peers' perception of her "attractiveness" was due only to a genetic accident as far as she was concerned) and tried not to draw attention to herself.

It was much easier that way, overall. Jimmy drew enough attention for the both of them.

Still… as her small group of friends (excluding Jimmy) fell in and out of "love," commiserated about clothing and the latest hairstyles, Anna lived the average teenage life vicariously through them. It seemed like a fun, easy world, to only have to worry about physical appearance, relationships and school- all in that order. It would have been nice, she thought sometimes, to be a part of it.

Anna sighed and clicked on the incoming note.

_It's probably just Matilde with her latest fashion crisis. _

Instead of a note from a girl friend though, Anna was surprised to see the name of the sender.

"_Incoming transmission from: __Banning, Noel__"_

Anna looked up carefully, so as not to draw the attention of the Professor, over at the brown haired boy next to her.

Noel Banning was as far removed from her social circle as anyone could be and still be on the same planet. He was a junior but a year older than her, and generally well-liked. He was captain of the air soccer team and vice-president of the Life-Chem club. In short, he was popular and smart. Two words that normally did not go together.

At least not in high school.

He was also a decent guy, as far as Anna could tell. She had had some interactions with him, mostly group study sessions, but nothing more than short conversation ever passed between them in the past year.

Anna studied him carefully but he made no move to look back at her. His tanned cheeks were flushed though and his green eyes were focused on the datapad on his desk. He was tall and slender, and his long legs seemed unable to stay still at that moment. In a dim part of her mind, she supposed he was "cute"- although cute was a word she usually used to describe puppies and Tribbles.

She clicked the note open, chastising herself for the thought. She wondered what he could possibly want from her.

_Probably just wants to crib off my notes from yesterday's meeting. _

Didn't they all?

"_Banning, Noel:__ Hey Demerin- Do you have a date to the end of the year gala?"_

Anna frowned.

What did Noel Banning care about her extracurricular activities?

She glanced at Jimmy, who sat a row behind her, without being really conscious of it. They had assigned seats in alphabetical order, something Anna thought was absurd.

Immediately, he noticed her looking at him and he grinned. He was such a handsome boy, her Jimmy was. With his golden hair and almost unreal-shade-of-blue eyes, it was no surprise that most of the girls in the school practically fell over themselves to get his attention. It didn't hurt that he had a bit of a rough and tumble air about him. He regularly came to school with black eyes and scrapes and bruises.

Though some of his injuries were due to fights on school grounds, Anna knew that most of them were from Frank.

At the thought of Jimmy's abusive step-father, Anna's hands curled into fists and she felt her entire mood drop. Something fierce and protective and sharp bloomed in her chest as she looked at him. She hated Frank, hated what he did to her bright, beautiful friend. Jimmy was so smart and so clever, he didn't deserve…

Anna was once again aware of how much influence they both had over each other. It frightened her sometimes, how protective he was and how he was always in her thoughts. He never let her come to his house if Frank was around; he wouldn't let her out of his sight if he could. She knew she was proving to be more of a distraction for him so she tried to make sure that she was never heavy handed with him. The only time they had ever really fought was about college, but she had refused to back down from him on that one. He was going with her to the UI, despite his protests. With his test scores, he had easily gotten a scholarship that would cover him for the next four years. Anna knew that Jimmy Kirk would be great, he would be _remembered_- surpass his (real) father even, if only he would just give himself a chance. If only he could see himself as she did.

Jimmy must have caught the change in her mood because his smile disappeared and he gave her a questioning look. His entire body leaned forward in his seat, suddenly tense and taut, as if he were ready to move towards her if she wanted him too. She noticed his hands curl around the edge of his desk, his bruised and scratched knuckles turning white.

Anna smiled at him, wanting to calm him down and he relaxed. But the questioning look still burned in his eyes.

She shook her head and mouthed 'Later' before turning back around. She hesitated and then typed back a response to Noel.

"_Demerin, Anna:__ I don't. I'm not planning to go."_

She saw Noel frown and he turned his head slightly towards her.

"_Banning, Noel:__ Why not? You didn't go last year."_

"_Demerin, Anna:__ Not really interested in going, that's all."_

"_Banning, Noel:__ If someone asked you to go with him, would you go?"_

Anna's fingers hovered over the screen. She wasn't one for the end of the year gala or any sort of dance. Large crowds made her uncomfortable and dressing up wasn't at all appealing. And besides… Jimmy never wanted to go to those things. The boys hated him, the girls slobbered over him (which okay, he seemed to like that) and the professors always had one eye on what they called "the Kirk boy and his issues."

_At least they're not trying to keep us apart anymore. _

_They can't prove I got Professors Corbin and Nathanson fired but they suspect._

Anna typed out her response.

"_Demerin, Anna:__ No. I hate dances."_

She saw Noel's shoulders slump and she felt confused. Honestly, why did he even care about what she would do if anyone asked her to go to a dance? She had been asked before, and she always turned down the invitation- couldn't he see the obvious pattern there?

"Anna?"

Anna looked up when she heard Professor Asensi call her name. He waited patiently at the front of the class, relaxed and smiling slightly at her in his dark blue robes. She realized that he had asked her a question. Professor Asensi liked her and she hated to admit that she hadn't been paying attention to him. She didn't want to disappoint him. She didn't want to disappoint anyone.

She felt her cheeks burn as everyone in the class turned to look at her.

_Dammit! I should have ignored the transmission in the first place. Dammit, dammit, dammit…_

"_Incoming transmission from: __Kirk, James T.__"_

She coughed, covering her mouth with one hand and hitting 'open' on the screen with the other.

"_Kirk, James T__: Tricepterine."_

"Tricepterine, sir," Anna said calmly. Professor Asensi smiled at her, pleased.

"Yes, exactly!" he said, pointing to the display panel. "Tricepterine inhibits the bacteria from…"

"_Demerin, Anna:__ Thanks."_

"_Kirk, James T__: Anytime, kiddo. What's got you so distracted?"_

"_Demerin, Anna:__ I'll explain later. Something weird happened just now."_

"_Kirk, James T__: Got anything to do with the death glare Banning's shooting my way?"_

Anna looked up at Noel, who really was glaring at Jimmy. She groaned under her breath. He probably thought Jimmy was somehow preventing her from going to the dance- which was silly. She wasn't going because she knew Jimmy wasn't going. It seemed that everyone thought he _kept_ her from doing things when the truth was, she did things _for_ him.

Still, though Noel probably wouldn't harm Jimmy (she was almost sure of this), his friends on the team might if they thought he was standing in the way of something Noel wanted…

_I hate school politics. I can't wait until I'm done with all of this. _

She quickly typed out a note to Noel.

"_Demerin, Anna:__ I had plans with my parents that night anyway. BTW, do you have transcripts from yesterday's L-C session? I lost my recording and really need your help."_

Noel looked away from Jimmy a minute later and his expression seemed to lighten when he read her latest note. Asking boys for help seemed to distract them and she was glad that it was true this time, at least. He glanced up and nodded once at her, smiling a rather sweet smile.

"_Banning, Noel:__ Yup. Do you want to go over the meeting together after school?"_

Anna sighed, knowing she _had_ to give up her free time that afternoon. Jimmy worked an hour or two at the antique bike shop across town after school on most days and she usually stopped by her mother's office to help out with ongoing experiments before going by to see him again. But it was a routine she had to break- just for one day, at least.

If one afternoon spent studying kept Noel and his friends from targeting Jimmy for yet another fight, then she would do it. It would give her time to set Noel straight.

"_Demerin, Anna:__ Sounds like a plan. Let's meet at the library. Hoping to get home by 4pm.'_

Noel read her note and nodded.

Somehow Anna kept herself from rolling her eyes.

###

"So what was that weird thing that happened that you couldn't just send me a trans about?" Jimmy said, as they walked out of class. He put his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him, so close that she could smell his vintage leather jacket that he had inherited from George Kirk and old motor oil.

Anna hugged her PADD to her chest and frowned. She noticed the looks that some people gave them as they made their way down the long hallway to the cafeteria. She knew that most people thought they were _together_, which was stupid. Teenagers were so prone to creating false realities, it was annoying. Especially considering the fact that _she_ was a teenager.

"Oh, Noel asked me if I was going to the end of the year event," Anna said, a bit distracted.

She absolutely hated it when people looked her way but she knew they couldn't help it. Jimmy was like a small sun. He burned bright and hot and it was hard not to risk burning your eyes to get a look at him. She was simply a planet circling around him. She kept her eyes on the floor in front of her, feeling her cheeks grow hot again.

"I forgot to turn off the intra-class connection. Thanks for sending me the answer, by the way."

She felt Jimmy's hand tighten on her waist and his entire body seemed to tense and she looked up at him, surprised. He smiled and nodded at a group of guys in the corner but she could see that the expression was forced.

"So… did he ask you to go with him? Are you going?" Jimmy asked, looked down at her. The dazzling smile was still firmly in place but he looked worried. "I'm sure your mom would love to finally see her baby girl all dressed up."

Anna pushed her shoulder against his and laughed.

"I'm sure she would," she said. "But no, of course I'm not going. Even if he did ask me, which he _didn't, _I'm not interested. We had plans that night, remember?"

"Yeah," Jimmy said, but the worried expression remained. "It's just… if you want to go… I mean, you should really go. With Banning. If he asks. It's your last year here and…"

"It's your last year too," Anna pointed out. "And you're not going. What would I even do at one of those things?"

"I don't know- dance? Have fun? Hang out with people who aren't complete social outcasts?" Jimmy asked.

He was teasing her but she didn't like the way his smile dimmed or the way his entire face seemed to be marked with unease. He seemed so vulnerable then that Anna felt the old weight on her shoulders return.

_Will I always be responsible for you? _

_Do I always have to…_

She stopped that thought from continuing, already feeling guilty enough. Of course, Jimmy needed her. She needed him, too. Though he never voiced his desires, she could read his mannerisms, know what he wanted, what he felt, just as if she were feeling his emotions herself. Despite all his bravado and swagger, she knew Jimmy Kirk was afraid of so many things. Things that no one at their age had any right to be afraid of: abandonment, abuse, death.

It wasn't fair and Anna hated the universe for what it had done, was still doing, to him. She railed against it all in her own way, but the only thing Jimmy truly needed from her _was _her. She couldn't leave him, could never leave him.

But… she was tired of it all. She was tired of being afraid of failing him somehow, of caring so much for him that she was scared whenever he went home. She was tired of always being the only shoulder he had to lean on because the right words never came out no matter how smart everyone thought she was; nothing she could do would fill the dark holes inside of him.

What he needed was someone stronger than her, someone smarter and in control to put him back together again. She knew one day Jimmy would need her and she would disappoint him.

_I'm only sixteen. _

_What can I do to fix him?_

"Jimmy," she said, seriously. His smile faltered slightly at her stern tone. "I'm not going anywhere without you. And if _you_ want to go to that stupid dance, then I'll go. You know this. I'd rather be with you then willingly submit to a night spent in a hormonal cesspool."

His smile came back in full force. His face lit up, radiant and glorious but Anna felt the weight grow heavier, just a little.

Jimmy deserved better than she could give him. She knew then that even if she left him (and she would never, ever leave him, no matter how scared of him, _for him,_ she was), he would be fine. He would survive. He was the sun, after all. She was simply in his orbit.

"Same thing though," he said. "Hanging out with me and spending a night in a hormonal cesspool. The only difference being the number of participants."

She laughed and he moved his arm from her waist to her shoulders, drawing her in to give her a sloppy, wet kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, ick," she said, making a face. She glared at him as the doors to the cafeteria slid open and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "That was disgusting."

"What?" he said, in faux innocence. "I know you can't get enough of me so…"

"You're such an infant sometimes," she said, trying to move away from his grasp. He wouldn't let her go though and she fell back into place, just as she always did. She would never get away from him; he would always pull her back to him and hold her in place.

"Yeah, well," he said, in a soft voice. "You still love me, right?"

Anna glanced up at the menu before looking back down at her datapad to mark down her lunch items.

"Sure," she said, before handing her PADD over to him so he could have a turn. "What are you having for lunch? And pick something green and preferably leafy this time."

###

A little over a year later, Anna left Jimmy.

The guilt though… she never did quite leave that behind.

###


	11. Chapter 9

**AN:** Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think, I appreciate all the feedback! Also, it's about to get crazy in the next chapter...

**Chapter 9**

"And this is our main observation area."

Jim led Anna into a large dimly lit space that looked as if it were mostly glass. Of course, everyone knew that it wasn't; the reinforced TransparShield was made of much sturdier stuff and protected the ship and its inhabitants against solar pulses, flares, and other dangerous objects. But what it provided- a clear view of the stars- was breath-taking.

It seemed a million stars twinkled against the black velvet background of space and Jim couldn't help but feel awed by the sight before him. It reminded him time and time again why he loved his job and his life. After the hardest of missions, bruised and battered, he could find peace in the stars. The irony of it all was not lost on him- when he was younger, he had hated Starfleet and the starry sky had meant nothing more to him than a reminder of all that had been taken away from him as a child.

_It was Anna who loved the stars, not me. _

_And I was the one who was always ready for a fight._

_Now look at us._

For years, Jim knew he had been a little lost, unable and unwilling to let go of the hurt and bitterness that came with being left again and again. But now he had his ship and his crew to ground him, he knew his place was among the stars. It was odd but it comforted him to know that he was only a small part of something so much greater than himself. Whether he lived or died, the silence of space would continue, uncaring of him. It had taken him a long time to get to this point but for once in his life, he was content.

Well.

_Almost._

As the doors slid shut behind them, Anna walked to the far end of the room and for a moment it looked as if she were walking out into space itself. Her body was outlined in stars. Jim followed her quietly knowing instinctively that she needed time to process the view.

They stood in silence for a moment- although during their short dinner and then throughout the tour, she had been quiet and pensive, leaving him to fill up the silence between them. Anna greeted his crew politely but there was a stillness about her that he knew was unsettling. Most of the people onboard the Enterprise were gregarious and friendly, lively and vibrant. Though it meant some folks rubbed against each other the wrong way at times, for the most part life on the starship was happy.

Anna had seemed to have a peculiar effect on people. He tried to see her as others did, pushing aside their history, and had noticed an intensity about her that was off-putting. She was too aloof, her gaze too direct and too watchful, to be approachable. Jim suspected that it was intentional though; Anna was far too self-aware not to notice how people reacted towards her. She was very carefully putting up a wall between herself and his people.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Jim said.

Anna leaned forward against the railing, her hands gripping the metal bar that stopped just a foot away from the window.

"I suppose it's okay," she said. Her lips twitched. "If you like this sort of thing."

Jim let out a short laugh and she watched him from the corner of her eyes.

"Now I know you're lying," Jim said. "You love the stars, Anna."

He gestured to the view before them and then put his hands on his hips, looking at her expectantly. She looked at him, clearly amused, before returning her gaze to the view.

"I do," she said. "I'm surprised you remembered."

"Course I remember," Jim said. "You used to drag me up to the roof of your house in the summer just to look at the night sky. I never knew what you saw up there. Guess I was slow on the uptake."

Anna made a vague noise of agreement and they fell into a brief silence once again.

Jim had been hoping for a moment alone with her. Now that he had introduced Anna to most people he knew that she would be under close scrutiny but he couldn't help but feel possessive of her time.

_Five days. I only have five more days._

"Remember how we used to talk about the future on those nights?" Jim asked suddenly. He stared at her profile, willing her to turn and look back at him. "You were going to be a doctor. I was going to be a shipyard engineer. We'd have dinner on Sundays and lunch everyday. You'd have a white picket fence like the kind in those old holovids. I'd have a dog named Murphy."

Anna remained silent, staring fixedly at the view before her.

"I guess you could have an actual white picket fence these days," Jim said. He realized he was talking to himself but he didn't mind. He knew she was listening, despite her lack of reaction. "And a small house with a flower bed. Do you? With real wooden floors and antique doorways."

"I have an apartment in the Marina I haven't been to in six months," Anna said. Her face was blank as she spoke. "Whenever I'm planetside, I usually stay at the FI headquarters. Officer's quarters. Easier that way."

"Well. I don't have a dog named Murphy."

"We can't have it all."

"No," Jim said. "We can't."

Anna lowered her head slightly, with an unreadable expression on her face.

"You have a good thing here," she said, "You don't need me to tell you this but you should be proud of yourself. You've done so well."

Something inside of Jim seemed to grow hot and for a moment, everything in the room seemed illuminated. Brighter. Sharper. He couldn't help the wide grin that formed on his face.

"Thank you," Jim said earnestly. He reached out for her and then thought better of it. Instead he let his hand fall a small space away from hers on the rail. "That means a lot to me, coming from you."

"It shouldn't," she said. She moved her hand a little farther from his. "It really shouldn't."

"What you say matters to me," Jim said. "It always has and nothing will change that."

"Why?" Anna said. "Because we knew each other as kids? That's not reason enough. You don't know me. You don't know who I am now. I might as well be a stranger to you at this point in our lives."

"That's not true," Jim said. "You're not a stranger- you're Anna Demerin and I'm Jim Kirk and that still means something."

"It only means you know my name," Anna said. Her voice sounded almost sad. "I've done bad things and I'll continue doing bad things. I am not a good person."

Jim frowned and shook his head. He could tell she meant every word and it made him angry. This was no cry for help, no plea for understanding or false sentiment. She wasn't lying to him. Anna sounded as if she were merely stating facts -_I am not a good person- _as if it were true and undeniable and there was no room for argument.

_You can't honestly think that about yourself. I won't let you._

"Bullshit," he said. "You think we all haven't done things we regret? That doesn't change who we are, it doesn't mean…"

"I didn't say I regretted anything."

"Okay, maybe you didn't and maybe you don't but that doesn't make you a bad person. I've done things that won't exactly put me first in line for a halo either but I don't think I'm _evil_ for it all. You can't think that way about yourse…"

"There's a big difference in what I've done versus what _you've_ done," Anna said. "You're _Starfleet_. You're an explorer, a mediator- I'm the furthest thing from."

"Then what are you?" Jim said. "What have you done that makes you think you're a bad person?"

Anna finally turned to look at him. Her eyes seemed to glitter with a cold, hard edge. For a moment, _his_ Anna was gone and he saw a glimpse of something else. Staring back at him was nothing more than a Federation Intelligence officer: calculating, detached from all emotion, and capable of anything.

He suddenly remembered the way Trig had looked at him when they were in sickbay. That blank, almost inhuman stare had been frightening... and to see even a shadow of that in Anna...

Then she looked away and the moment was gone.

Jim rubbed his eyes.

"Look, I've been thinking about this. I know we have things to work out. I want answers. I need to know what happened between us and why you made the choices you did but we can't just discount what we had. At least I can't. I don't think you can either. I can't just let you walk back into my life and then watch you leave me again. I can't pretend seeing you now hasn't affected me."

He turned his back on the view, focusing all his attention on her as he leaned against the rail. Anna didn't move but he could tell she was watching him, all the same.

"A few years ago, I might have though," he said honestly. "I might have lied to you. Pushed you away. But I've realized a few things about myself that I... Anna, as angry as I was at you, as angry as I still am, I never, _ever_ stopped hoping you were okay and safe. You still matter to me and what you say now matters to me. We may not be able to have what we did back then but I'm willing to try for something. And I hope you feel the same way."

Jim felt as if he were physically slicing himself open- it hurt to say these things but he felt as if he _had_ to do it. He always hated feeling vulnerable, moreso than most people, but he knew that Anna wouldn't make the first move. Not this version of her, anyway. Jim had to open a vein to show her he was serious and he knew that she would recognize the gesture. Changed as she was, he had to believe there was a part of her that couldn't be altered. He was hoping she still felt something for him, somehow, in some way.

He simply couldn't consider the alternative.

_You have to care. You have to._

_(Please)_

"Do you?" he asked. He hadn't meant for his voice to crack, or to sound so weak and he winced inside.

Anna said nothing for a long while and Jim began to regret his words. It was so rare for him to bare his soul, his damn _heart_, to another person because he didn't think the risk was worth it. He was willing to die for his crew, his ship- and hell, he'd come close enough many times over. But this sort of sacrifice was so much harder than that. This was more painful.

And then to his surprise, she uttered a short laugh.

"How long have you been practicing that?" she asked.

Jim forced himself to grin. "Oh, just the past half hour," he said lightly. "How'd I do?"

"Well, you could take on Macbeth if that's what you're asking," Anna said.

"Nah, I'm more of a Hamlet man myself," he said. He stood up straight and leaned towards her. "I meant every word, Anna. We could start over from here. Hell, we might be able to forge a new relationship between the FI and Starfleet major. Ambassadors Kirk and Demerin. It has a nice ring to it, right?"

Anna only shook her head, a faint smile on her lips.

Jim felt sick, despite the smile plastered on his face. He had hoped she'd reciprocate somehow but she still held him at a distance. They were standing almost shoulder to shoulder but she might as well have been across the quadrant from him at that moment.

_Doesn't matter, I'll just keep trying to reach you._

After all, Jim Kirk didn't believe in no-win scenarios. And contrary to popular belief, he could be patient.

"So, why don't you tell me a little bit about your team," Jim said. Anna blinked at the sudden change in topic. He couldn't help but feel a little satisfied at throwing her off. "It's not everyday the two great forces collide. We should document it for posterity."

"Two great… What?" Anna said, incredulous. Her eyes widened slightly. "This isn't a space opera, Captain. It's just my team."

"Half this ship thinks the FI is a ghost story," Jim said, partly serious and partly joking. "The other half knows it's real but are either terrified of, or prejudiced against, you. Maybe it's time we dispel all the myths and rumors and have a formal introduction."

Anna shook her head again.

"That's not a good idea," she said. "At least not now. First of all, we're going off on a mission that requires all of our concentration. Staging a Starfleet meet and greet in the middle of it all won't help us focus.

"Secondly, my team isn't trained in diplomacy, they're _soldiers_. Pointing to them as examples of the Federation Intelligence won't exactly put your crew at ease. It may have the opposite effect and I think you know that. Why else did you refer to me as your 'old friend, Colonel Demerin' instead of "Anna Demerin, Federation Intelligence?'"

Jim felt his cheeks flush and he cleared his throat.

"Okay," Jim said. "It's not like I was planning to parade your team around my ship but I would like my senior officers to meet them. It's a smaller group and my people _are_ trained diplomats. And they, out of all the people on this ship, need to be exposed to the Federation Intelligence."

"That's reasonable enough," she said, after a moment's thought. "So, what do you want to know about my team?"

"Anything," Jim said. "Everything. They're going to be on my ship in less than a week. What are they like? What will you need to prepare? Is anyone allergic to Tribbles? How do you like your coffee?"

Anna stared at him for a moment and he watched as confusion, exasperation and irritation battled for prominence on her face.

Exasperation won.

"You already know Trig," Anna said, looking up at the ceiling. Jim amused himself by thinking that she had finally grown tired of rolling her eyes at him repeatedly and just decided to look up permanently. "My security officer. He has a way of knowing how to handle a weapon just by looking at it, hence the nickname Trigger. He drinks tea. Decaf with honey."

Jim snickered and she threw him a sharp look.

"How long have you known each other?" he asked.

"Since my first year," she said. "He was top of the class in hand-to-hand combat. I was at the bottom. He took me under his wing and started training me on his own time. I think he got tired of seeing me get a beating."

Something in Jim's face must have shown the rage that came bubbling up in his chest because Anna stared at him.

"I would have been kicked out of the Command program if I couldn't defend myself," she said. "Besides, I'm sure Starfleet has its own questionable methods of teaching defense."

Jim said nothing but his eyes burned at the memory of her psych evals. What they had done was beyond merely "questionable"- it should have been illegal. But he couldn't admit that they had broken into her personnel files so he kept his silence.

"Then there's Commander Paloma Tanz, my Comms officer," Anna said. She hesitated for a moment. "Perhaps you should warn your senior officers, Captain. She's part Betazoid."

"_What_?" Jim said, shocked. "So she… _What_? She can read our minds?"

Anna looked uncomfortable. "I said _part_ Betazoid," she said. "Paloma's abilities are limited. She can sense emotions, not thoughts. As long as no one on the ship is emotionally inclined towards murder and mayhem, all of you are safe. And she's discrete. She'll only tell me what I need to know within the parameters of a mission. Nothing more."

"I… okay," Jim said. He felt uneasy, knowing that someone could _read_ his emotions no matter what assurances Anna gave him. He made a note to speak to Spock and Bones and to do some research of his own- the last thing he needed was a stranger, a member of _Anna's_ team, to sense what he was feeling towards her.

Especially if he didn't quite know himself.

Anna sighed. "Listen, the only thing you have to worry about Paloma is her attitude," she said. "She can be difficult. We call her Ice because... Dammit, Jim, stop looking at me like that."

"Were you planning on telling me one of your officers was an empath?" Jim asked. "Or were you hoping I wouldn't notice?"

"I would have told you," Anna said, lifting her chin. "Closer to the pick-up point, but I would have briefed you."

Jim looked into her face for a moment and then nodded, satisfied. "Okay, I believe you," he said, gesturing for her to go on. "You call her Ice because…?"

"Because it takes awhile for her to warm up to people," Anna said. "She's not an open book like Trig is."

"You think Trig is easy to read?" Jim said, surprised.

"There's Commander Alessander Levine in charge of Navigation," she said, ignoring his question. "He can find his way around anywhere planetside, which is why we call him North. He's good at getting out of tight spots and has eidetic memory. Studies classical literature during his off time and will, on occasion, recite poetry."

Jim tilted his head to the side, bemused, and Anna shrugged.

"You wanted to know _everything_, right Captain?" she said. "Then there's Commander Matthew ven Christie, my Medical officer. He's a brilliant doctor and engineer."

"That's an odd mix, isn't it?"

"It comes in handy," she said. "They're not completely opposing disciplines, after all. He's passionate about his work. Just don't take anything he gives you without asking me first."

"Duly noted," Jim said, raising an eyebrow. "And does he have a cool nickname too?"

Anna scowled at Jim, her fine delicate features scrunching up and he grinned. Without meaning to, he moved closer to her, drawn in. She looked younger for a moment, unguarded and completely herself. And, God help him, he wanted to touch her again.

"They're call tags, Captain," she said. She sounded a little defensive which amused him greatly. "We use them in lieu of our real names during missions. It's either that or Alpha, Alpha one, Beta one and so on."

"Okay. So… what's the good doctor's _call tag?_"

"Venom. Ven for short," she said. "During our academy years, he accidentally poisoned his roommate with one of his creations. He said it was a study aid but it put his roommate out of commission for a week. We started calling him Ven after that, though he'll tell you it's because of his surname. The general rule of thumb is you don't take anything he gives you outside of his official capacity."

Jim laughed and the corners of her mouth twitched, as if she were trying to suppress a smile.

"Lastly, there's Lieutenant Commander Ben Cormick," she said. "He's the youngest of my team but the best at deciphering and dismantling xeno-technology. He and Ven make a dangerous pair."

"And what's his call tag?"

"Spark," she said. "Not the most inventive of names, but there you have it. We're all afraid that one day, he'll blow himself up tinkering with something new."

"Sounds like an interesting group," Jim said. "Small though. If your assignment is so important, why not have more people?"

"Because the bigger the team, the more variables I have to take into consideration," Anna said. The half smile disappeared and she stood up straight. "My officers all have their own teams to lead, specializing in various areas. For the most part, I usually stand back and direct but for sensitive operations, depending on what needs to be done, the Federation Intelligence prefers deploying small groups."

"One unit, all in sync," Jim said. Anna looked at him with approval.

"Yes, _my_ team."

Jim understood what she was saying and knew what she wasn't saying. These were her people, the ones she had chosen to lead. He heard the obvious affection in her voice as she spoke about them and knew that whatever it was she was up to, she needed these specific five officers to stand with her. It frightened him then because he knew instinctively that these weren't just trusted comrades in arms she would be willing to die _for-_ they were people she was willing to die _with._ It was the same way he spoke about Spock or Bones or Sulu or any member of his crew... he saw it in the set of her jaw and the fierce look in her eyes.

Not for the first time did Jim wonder what it was she was doing.

_And I will find out._

"I'm going to guess that you get a special _call tag_ too, right?"

Anna glared at him. "I do have a call tag," she said. "_You_ can call me Colonel."

Jim put his hand on his chest above his heart and gave her a pained look. "You wound me, Anna, you really do," he said. "You won't tell me what I'm sure is the best nickname ever?"

"You're being silly," she said, pressing her lips together in disapproval. Jim lowered his hand and looked at her.

"And why is that such a bad thing?" he asked. He turned back towards the view, leaning his elbows against the rail. "Hey, it's okay not to take everything so seriously sometimes. The universe won't come crashing down if you, I don't know, smile. Or heaven forbid, _laugh_."

He leaned to the side and pushed against her slightly with his shoulder.

"And if it does?" Anna said. "Can I blame you for leading me to believe otherwise?"

Jim chuckled and nodded.

"Sure, I'll take that on," he said. "You can blame me when the universe ends."

###

Though proficient in 83% of the official Federation languages and regional dialects, Nyota Uhura was also quite capable of reading people's body language as if they were using words to communicate. It was a gift, her mother had told her when she was a child- Nyota had an uncanny ability to _understand_ others even before they had spoken. It went beyond woman's intuition (and really, what a misogynistic concept that was) and was much more complex than a simple "gut feeling."

Nyota just _knew. _

For example, she had known that Kirk (he would always be Kirk to her, even if Spock sometimes called him Jim) was upset after being in his ready room for nearly two hours during Alpha shift. Even though he had walked out smiling, teasing Spock even, Nyota knew that there was something wrong with the Captain. There was a tightness around his eyes and his normally easy grin seemed forced. All throughout the morning, Jim Kirk had been tense and distracted. The others may not have noticed anything amiss with their Captain, but Nyota did and she knew that Spock did as well.

She hadn't asked Spock what the matter was. She was a professional through and through; she would never use her relationship with the Commander to wrangle information about Kirk.

Even though she knew Spock would tell her willingly (because he trusted her to keep mum) if she had asked, Nyota had a feeling that when Kirk requested the main bridge crew to take on the Gamma shift she would be able to find out for herself.

It was more fun that way sometimes. Being on the Enterprise wasn't all adventure and excitement. Sometimes it meant long weeks of tedium. Despite all the distractions the ship (and _Spock_) had to offer, she welcomed a little mystery at times.

And now Nyota Uhura knew, as she studied the dark-haired woman by Kirk's side, that there was mystery abound. The main bridge crew- herself, Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and a few others included, were all now at their usual stations looking at the Captain and his yet unnamed guest.

"I'd like to thank all of you for taking on the night shift," Kirk said, his bright blue eyes shining with gratitude. Though Nyota would never admit it to him, she liked that Kirk was expressive. His eyes always seemed to say more than his words did. "I wanted to make sure everyone met Colonel Anna Demerin, who'll be onboard as our guest for the next week or so. We're picking up the rest of her team on starbase Gamma so I expect you'll see her and a few new faces around. The Colonel is one of my oldest friends so I trust that everyone will treat her with the same respect as you show me, and as befits her station."

Nyota looked at Spock briefly, and he met her gaze evenly. She had heard about the incident that had taken place only a few days ago. After all, she had received the encrypted alert from Starfleet regarding a rescue mission and she had passed along the Captain's request for two, high level personnel files and the subsequent denial of approval.

_Colonel_ Anna Demerin.

There was only one organization she knew of that had that title.

_Federation Intelligence. _

Oh yes, this was a mystery indeed.

She knew about the FI, of course. It was silly to think of such an organization as merely an urban legend, though some of her colleagues at the Academy had thought so. It made sense to her- Starfleet was not militarized though they could be called upon in times of war. Nyota could see that the only way the Federation could really hold their own against hostile non-Fed planets was to have a dedicated intelligence-gathering entity. It might have been distasteful to some people but she was a realist and believed in tempering emotion with fact.

It was something she knew Spock liked about her.

Nyota had never met a member of the FI but the woman standing before them now was not what she had expected, nor imagined, such an officer to be.

Instead of a gruff, oversized muscled soldier, Anna (as Kirk was now introducing her to each person on the bridge) was graceful and elegant. Her mother used to tell her: _Pretty sees pretty, _and Nyota knew that she was attractive. It wasn't something she thought was important, just a matter of fact- like her height or her blood type. Unlike most beautiful women, Nyota did not compare herself to others nor did she care about what other women thought about her but she could still recognize beauty when she saw it.

On a purely shallow level, Anna was a lovely girl. She had a dancer's build, though perhaps a shade _too_ thin, and with her perfect, pale complexion and large gray eyes, she was a study in contrast. However, there was an edge to Anna's gaze that marred her beauty. It made her features sharper and cast a cruelty to her face that Nyota felt did not belong there. Nyota knew Kirk noticed it too- his smile seemed a little nervous as he watched Anna. He seemed to hover over her slightly, standing a bit too close, as if he were ready to step between her and anyone else.

Nyota was struck again at how _different _the Captain was from the boy who had hit on her in that seedy bar so many years ago. He had grown up, though he was still brash and reckless and stubborn. He may have had a bed-hopping reputation during their Academy days and people may have written him off simply as the pretty boy with the glib tongue, but Nyota had seen the pure ferocity underneath it all. Jim Kirk was aggressive and sharp and she had no doubt that while he may have had a chip on his shoulder, he would use all his considerable skills to reach the top of whatever mountain he decided to climb. He had irritated Nyota when he was made treasurer of the Xenolinguistics club but she admired his audacity and ambition. It hadn't surprised her when Kirk was given the captaincy of the Enterprise- he was someone who just could not admit defeat.

But despite the flashy, glittery surface of his personality Nyota knew that inside, James Kirk was unsettled. There was a wildness about him, a desperate restlessness that she saw underneath his calm, even gaze. She had sometimes thought that he was looking for something or someone and that was one thing that hadn't changed about him throughout their time together. On each mission, it seemed that Kirk was eager for more than just adventure and danger- he was _searching._

_And is this what he was searching for? _

For her part, Anna seemed unruffled and indifferent to all the attention she was being paid. She stood straight and tall, her shoulders held back and her chin high- it was obvious to Nyota, even without Kirk's introduction, the woman was used to being in command. Anna simply had an aura of authority, and it set her apart from everyone else.

Or rather, Nyota thought that Anna was _setting_ herself apart from everyone else.

Nyota could read the tension between them as she watched while Kirk introduced her to Chekov. They complimented each other like two sides of the same coin. Kirk seemed to burn with a white hot intensity. He simply could not stay still. There was a radiance to him, as if he were a force of nature, made up of heat and light and movement. Anna seemed to be the complete opposite. She burned with a deep freeze, just as bright and intense, but with an almost eerie stillness that Kirk was trying to compensate for.

As they drew closer to Nyota's station, she noticed how truly worried Kirk seemed. His lithe body seemed taut and stressed, protective and possessive over Anna. Nyota had not witnessed this sort of behavior from the Captain before, not towards any other women in his past, and she couldn't help but watch them unabashedly. Anna was harder to read but Nyota could tell she was aware of Kirk's proximity. When he got too close to her, Anna would make some sort of movement towards him as if sensing that a reaction would make him back off somehow. A tilt of her head, a brief look, a clenched jaw- Nyota watched as they danced around each other, communicating without words.

It was captivating, the way Kirk and Anna seemed to push-pull against and towards each other.

"And this is my Communications Officer, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura," Jim said. He nodded at Nyota and there was pride in his voice as he listed her accomplishments. Nyota smiled at Anna but she only looked back at Nyota with unveiled interest. Now that Nyota had Anna's full attention on her, she couldn't help but shiver.

There was no warmth in her gray eyes. Nyota felt as if she were being dissected with a look.

"It's nice to meet you, Lieutenant," Anna said. Nyota held out her hand and Anna shook it with a firm but gentle grasp.

"Likewise, Colonel," Nyota said. "I hope you're enjoying your stay here?"

"I am," Anna said simply.

"If you need to set up any additional outgoing transmissions, Lieutenant Uhura can help you," Kirk said. Nyota noticed that he made as if to touch Anna's arm but instead he hesitated, and then lowered his hand. "She can set up a secure line to anyone, anywhere if you need it."

"Good to know," Anna said, and Nyota couldn't help but notice the slight sarcasm that colored her tone. It sounded almost like Anna was mocking her.

For a brief moment, Nyota imagined that Anna looked at her with amusement- as if she knew that Nyota had redirected her video transmissions to the Captain's own viewer and thought it funny. But that was impossible. Nyota was good at her job and she knew that she had covered her tracks well. Besides, there was no way for Anna to know anything about the ship. She had been beamed aboard with only the clothes on her back and according to Spock, those had been discarded by Doctor McCoy days ago.

"Anna," Jim said. Anna turned away from Nyota and glanced at him. "I want to introduce you to my First Officer, Commander Spock."

"I suppose I'll see you again," Nyota said. Anna gave her a faint smile (almost a _smirk_, really) and Nyota wondered at that.

"Oh, I'm sure," Anna said and for some odd reason, it almost sounded like a threat. Anna stared at her for a beat longer before nodding and then turned towards Kirk. As they walked away, Nyota was certain of two things:

_One_, Kirk had strong feelings towards Anna and _two_, Anna Demerin was a dangerous girl.

Nyota made up her mind to seek her out in the next few days.

###


	12. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**AN:** So just a few things to keep in mind:

-The science here is a little wonky but dammit, I'm a fanfiction writer, not a doctor.

-Language. I don't think I need to raise the rating but let me know if I should... it definitely gets _mean_ in this chapter.

-Let me know how I'm doing. Is it going too slow? Too fast? Someone PM'ed me to note that the chapters are perhaps a wee too long. I'm happy to shorten them- I do tend to get wordy but I'd like to hear from more folks (majority rules?)... and as always-

-Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 10**

By the time Anna and Jim had reached Engineering, she was exhausted. The ache in her legs and her arms was becoming harder to ignore and she was already trying to find ways to put an end to their tour. Her body needed to rest and she needed to mentally regroup and compose herself.

As they walked around the computer monitoring room, Anna thought about the past few hours.

So far the evening had gone well. People on the Enterprise seemed polite enough and she was fairly certain her manner would head off any attempts at further questions. Anna had no use for curiosity from Starfleet officers and she had made sure to seem standoffish and distant. The only truly uncomfortable moment had come in the observation area when Jim, well-meaning as he was, had tried to force some sort of confession out of her. Anna knew he had expected her to open up to him, which she thought was ridiculous. Did he truly believe that after only a few days on his ship, she'd be ready to bare her soul? Wasn't the humiliation and abject misery she experienced during her psych evaluations enough for him? It made her resent him, that he wanted more from her.

…_so tired, I need to rest, I need to lie down…_

Anna narrowed her eyes as Jim spoke about the design of his ship and she began to take slow, deep breaths. Despite the calm façade she projected, she felt as if she were slowly unraveling. Her emotions were beginning to affect her thinking process. Jim was only being himself, earnest and open- she had no reason to be angry at him and she _knew_ this.

But because she was physically tired, it was harder to control her emotions.

_After this, I'm going to beg off_, Anna thought. _I'll slip if I don't rest soon._

She felt as if her body was betraying her and she wished again that Ven was there. He could fix her, he would help.

"Are you okay?" Jim said suddenly. She looked at him and realized he had asked her a question. "You don't look so well."

Anna quickly schooled her features, betraying nothing of her racing thoughts.

_Trig was right. You look so much like Daniel. _

_Or does he look so much like you?_

"I'm fine," she said. She looked into his eyes briefly and then up at the soaring pipes and glowing tubes around them. "It's an impressive space."

Jim smiled, but there was a wariness in his gaze that she did not like. Anna could tell he didn't believe her, and when he opened his mouth next, she knew that he was going to ask-

…_back off leave me alone just leave me alone and back off…_

-what the matter was but suddenly his expression changed as he looked over her shoulder.

"Scotty!" he called out. His smile was genuine now, open and happy, and he waved towards someone on the platform behind them. "I want you to meet someone. Bring Gaila with you."

"Aye, Captain, we'll be right there!"

Jim looked back at Anna and she heard footsteps coming towards them. "That was Scotty, my Chief Engineer," he said. His eyes sparkled, clearly fond of his officers. "And Gaila, his assistant. He's a bit eccentric. Actually, they both are but…"

"Hallo, Captain!" _Scottish_, by the sound of his voice, Anna thought and she turned around to face their visitors.

Anna saw the Orion woman first, her bright green skin and friendly, open smile and her first thought was-

_...We were right..._

-immediately after the first wave of pain came over her. Anna dimly heard Jim's cry of shock and then his strong arms were around her, keeping her on feet. It was as if something in her chest and her head broke free and she knew she was fucked.

_...reaction to pheromones projected by certain species will cause pain and deactivation of…_

She recited the findings from the research they had conducted, trying to hang on to something that would keep her from being consumed by the...

…_pain pain my head oh my god my head hurts I can't breathe I can't…_

"Anna!" Jim was yelling in her ear. "Anna, look at me. _Anna_!"

"…pheromones," she whispered. She felt her knees give, as wave after wave of agony went through her head and down the rest of her body. Her hands tried blindly to reach for the railing but failed. She was only upright now because Jim was there, holding her up.

"Hurts…bad reaction to Orion ph-ph-phero... I can't stop it…"

She was consumed with _furydespairfear_; thoughts and feelings that she had been able to control with manufactured chemicals, the N-serum and other FI techniques were now unleashed and she staggered, mentally and physically, under the overwhelming onslaught of a lifetime's worth of guilt and pain.

"I am sorry," she heard the Orion woman say. Had Jim called her Gaila? Anna clutched at the memory, at the sound of her voice, struggling to maintain awareness.

"She is on neurosuppressants. Different kinds, I can sense them inside her. My pheromones react badly to such things. They counteract unnatural controlling substances in humans…"

In the back of her mind, Anna observed what was happening with a sort of clinical detachment. She knew what was happening and had only herself to blame. After all, she had helped Ven develop most of the suppressants.

Emotions had no place during missions, especially in senior officers. They knew the power that feelings had over people. It made them irrational, caused them to break rank, disobey orders and could lead to death. The more critical the mission, the higher the psychological impact.

Which was why they all took neurosuppressants- one for emotional responses, one for dampening pain reactions and controlling adrenaline levels, and many, many others.

Anna had been taking them with good results for years but the recent circumstances with Daniel, the danger she had to face now... it had all become too much to handle. She had created and begun to use a different formula to moderate and inhibit stress-related emotions like fear and sadness; it was much stronger but more volatile, and it had been yet unperfected. Anna was used to being her own guinea pig and she had Ven to watch over her in most cases. The circumstances that had brought her aboard the Enterprise were unexpected- she hadn't been away from Ven for this long of a time. They had come up with an anti-suppressant but of course, that was beyond Anna's reach.

To wipe her system clean in one shot through any other means would be too much of a shock and she wasn't sure how anyone would react if something like that took place. They had taken their best guess though.

On paper, it was a painful, overwhelming process.

But now it seemed that exposure to Orion pheromones would provide Anna with first hand experience of how it would feel to be stripped of her mental defenses.

_...Orions are rare in Starfleet but I should have known, I should have..._

_...not part of his senior crew should have looked it up though I should have ..._

If it had been someone else or if she could even speak clearly, Anna would have asked to record the reaction. As the last vestiges of her control slipped away, she mourned the wasted opportunity for research. Anna felt as if a vice were tightening itself around her head and she heard herself gasping for air. Something in her chest twisted and it was if she could feel her heart ripping in half inside of her.

Rational thought fled then, replaced by pure feeling... It was so hard to breathe through the pain. How could anyone do it? How could anyone continue breathing? How could anyone want to _feel _when it hurt so much to do so?

…_Daniel oh Daniel why why whywhywhywhy…_

"Get Bones now! Scotty, get him the fuck down here now!"

…_hurts so much I can't do this I can't…_

"Gaila, get away from her. I know you didn't mean to hurt her but you have to go! Help Scotty get Bones…"

…_I'm so scared I can't do this I'll fail…_

"Anna, come on, sweetheart. Look at me. _Breathe_. Come on."

She heard Jim's voice but couldn't he see her heart was breaking? Couldn't he see she _had lost everything_?

Anna felt tears on her face, the ones she had been able to deny herself in the past, and she realized she was weeping violently.

She was suddenly so confused.

"Sorry," she cried. Her tears were hot and _real. _She felt his hands wiping her face, as if he could stop the flow and she clutched at him, her fingers scrabbling for something to hold on to. Was she screaming? Her throat hurt. "I'm so sorry. I had to do it! I had to! Daniel left but I thought he lo-lo-loved-"

She felt herself being lowered and she pressed her wet face against the crook of his neck, needing to feel someone against her. She needed to be held because it _hurt_ and she was all _alone and so scared so scared and is this how it feels to be broken…_

"Sweetheart, it's okay." She felt herself being rocked back and forth. She couldn't stop crying. She started to laugh. She felt as if she were being flayed from the inside out, physically and mentally.

"I'm here. It's okay. You're okay."

Was she shaking? She felt as if she had no control over her limbs and she felt violent tremors run through her body. Jim's arms tightened around her, holding her in place and she struggled to draw in a breath. He was holding her too tightly. Not tight enough. She needed him. She needed to get away.

"Just hang on, Anna. Stay with me, okay? That's right, stay with me."

But she didn't _want_ to. All she wanted to do was fade away and just stop_._

"No, Anna. Stay with me. You can't stop, Anna."

Had she said that out loud? Didn't he see how tired she was?

"No, Anna, come on. Open your eyes!"

She let herself go limp, felt the slow arc of her head falling back and it was _nice_ not to have to deal anymore. Her arms, which she had wrapped around his shoulders at one point, dropped down and she felt one of her hands hit the metal floor.

Why were they on the floor? She was oddly detached from everything. Her chest still hurt and her head still hurt but she didn't care. The edges were blurring and that was good. The colors were fading. Even better.

"Anna?"

Was that Jimmy? What was he doing here?

"Don't do this, don't do this, sweetheart, come on. Open your eyes."

She left Jimmy behind. She did a very bad thing. She hurt him. She didn't deserve to hear his voice but it was nice to know he was there.

…_should tell Ven the pheromones of the Orion female negate neurosups 5631…_

…_so many things I regret I lied about that I regret…_

…_emotional balance has been jeopardized and I am now experiencing withdrawal and delayed shock trauma to…_

She heard voices, yelling and then-

Nothing.

####

"What the hell?" McCoy muttered as he stared down at the medical scanner in his hand. He glanced down at the unconscious woman on the bed and shook his head.

The results from her scans simply couldn't be right. It just had to be a mistake.

_How anyone could allow this to happen to themselves? _

He reset the device and began to scan her again.

On the other side of the bed, Jim looked worriedly at McCoy. Still wearing that day's uniform, his normally handsome face was pinched and tight with worry. Oddly enough, McCoy thought it made his friend look younger.

"What's wrong with her?" Jim asked. His hand was gripping hers tightly.

"Ease up on the death grip, Jim," he muttered, looking back down at the readings the scanner was spitting out. "You'll mess up the biobed settings."

Jim drew back his hand with a start, as if suddenly afraid to touch her and McCoy sighed.

"I didn't say you had to let go," he said.

"What's wrong her with her, Bones?" Jim asked again. His fingers curled around hers again, as if he couldn't help himself. McCoy said nothing about this observation. Instead, he shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Now was not the time to analyze Jim's behavior. The scanner beeped and he looked down at the results.

The readings were the same as before.

"I can't say for sure until I do a full brain scan," McCoy said, finally putting the scanner down. He looked up into Jim's bloodshot, frightened eyes. "But it looks like certain areas of her brain have been heavily affected by… _something_. There's anomalous neural activity that I can't explain right now."

"I told you Gaila said she sensed neurosuppressants in Anna," Jim said. "And before she… before she passed out, Anna was muttering about Orion pheromones and bad reactions."

McCoy made a soft noise of disapproval as he put the pieces together in his mind. The FI officer had something in her, something foreign_,_ that changed the chemical balance in her body, giving her the ability to heal quickly and possibly control certain psychological and physiological responses. Though he had initially focused on her blood work, he now saw that it was only the tip of the iceberg. He suspected that there was an underlying controlling factor in her system, something that kept the foreign substances in her central nervous system in check. The blood transfusions, combined with the hemopurifier sessions, must have altered that balance.

_Her condition was already compromised; exposure to Gaila must have tipped her over the edge. Some sort of violent reaction..._

It was a fascinating case and there were certain tests he wanted to run but he knew he shouldn't. It was too early and he wasn't thinking clearly.

_And dammit, Anna is my patient not a fucking science experiment or a subject for a paper._

He had been roused out of bed a little over half an hour ago by a frantic Scotty whose accent had become so thick that it had taken a full minute before McCoy could get a recognizable word out of him. He hadn't panicked but he hadn't exactly taken his sweet time to get to Engineering either.

Proof was in the fact that Doctor McCoy was currently standing in the middle of the medical bay still wearing the t-shirt and frayed sweatpants he had put on before climbing into bed that evening.

Jim had been clutching Anna's limp form, begging her to wake up by the time McCoy had reached him. Something in his gut had twisted at the sight of his Captain nearly hysterical. He had seen Jim face obvious danger with nothing more than a smile and a glint in his eye. McCoy knew the kid was brave. To see him breaking down was more than disconcerting.

"Well," McCoy said, looking back at the figure on the bed. "Her cortisol and serotonin levels are out of whack. Same goes for norepinephrine and dopamine levels."

"Those have to do with mood and memory, right?" Jim asked and McCoy nodded.

"Yeah, mostly. She's been using drugs to regulate or control her mental and physical reactions," McCoy said. "Right now, she has extremely high levels of enkephalins going through her system."

"Pain dampeners?" Jim said. McCoy raised an eyebrow and Jim almost looked defensive.

"See, I listen to you, Bones," he muttered and McCoy snorted.

"Right, Captain. In essence they help dampen pain signals received by the brain," he said. "They were already at high levels when we first got her in here but now they're at a dangerous point, causing the opposite effect. Whatever it is inside of her was carefully managed to balance out the other chemicals. That balance is gone now obviously and she's undergoing withdrawal. Not to mention the fact that her body is trying to compensate for…"

The bed started to beep and Jim drew in a sharp breath. If she were awake, McCoy knew Jim's grasp would be painful. McCoy quickly checked the readings on the side panel.

"What is it?"

"Epinephrine count is sky rocketing. Her heart's under stress," McCoy said tersely, more to himself than to Jim.

He turned and grabbed a hypospray off a table and rushed across the room to a side cabinet, feeling Jim's anxious gaze on him as he did so. McCoy pulled out a small glass tube containing a cloudy liquid and inserted it into the spray. He knew he should take more tests to make sure anything he gave her wouldn't react badly with the other foreign crap in her body but with her already elevated stress levels, he was afraid that she would crash. Her heart rate was going too damn fast and no one, not even Anna and her bullshit Federation Intelligence-enhanced system, could survive that.

The beeping grew faster, more insistent and McCoy whirled around, ready to sprint across the room when Anna sat up. Her cheeks were flushed and she looked wildly around, gasping for air. The panic on her face was unmistakable and she clutched at her chest with one hand.

"Sweet Jesus!" McCoy cried out, nearly dropping the hypospray. He felt as if his own heart had stopped. Anna looked at his face briefly before spotting the hypospray in his hand. Fear made her eyes widen and her entire body seemed to tense, ready to fight or take flight. McCoy barked at Jim:

"Get her back down and put the restraints on!"

Jim, who had jerked backwards from the bed, put his hand on her shoulder meaning to push her back but she twisted away, making her way off the bed in one swift movement.

The beeping stopped but Anna's hip slammed into the table and she winced at the hard contact. She bent forward in pain and it was enough of a pause for Jim. He jumped across the bed and Anna, startled, didn't have time to move away before he grabbed her arms and shoved her back against the wall. She squirmed, trying to push him back, but he leaned forward pressing his entire body against hers.

McCoy could see the clear annoyance on her face as she struggled to free herself.

_She's not trying to hide anything now, is she?_

_Maybe she can't._

McCoy had a flash of intuition then. He didn't want to have to restrain her, that was just his knee jerk reaction after years of having to deal with panicked, uncooperative patients (Jim being the worst and most frequent offender), so he decided to take a different approach. Anna was clearly scared, maybe a bit disoriented, but she seemed more bothered by Jim than anything else.

_Damn fool is practically more panicked than she is. _

McCoy would give it at least a try before working with Jim to force her back down on the bed or calling security.

"Get off of me, Jim," she said. She tried to shake off his grasp again but he held on. She looked at him defiantly for a moment before jerking her chin at McCoy. Her breaths were too shallow and quick for his liking. "What is that?"

McCoy lowered his arm and held out the hypospray. She stared at it before looking back up at his face, searching.

"I need to get your adrenaline count back down to a safe level," he said. He kept his voice calm and soft as he moved towards her. "You're having trouble breathing, right? You know your heart is racing and you can't control it anymore, can you? That scares you so your heart beats faster. See where I'm going with this?"

The fear left her face and he could almost _see_ her thinking.

"Metatenolol or Benzo-propranolol?" Anna said, sounding breathless. McCoy blinked in surprise (_that was fast_, he thought_) _but nodded.

"Benzo-propranolol."

"I don't have tachycardia." She was beginning to wheeze but her eyes were steady on McCoy.

"I didn't say you did," McCoy said, still using his calm, soothing voice. As he made his way closer, he could see that Jim's fingers were digging into Anna's arms and that his gaze never left her face. He wondered briefly if he should sedate the Captain instead. "But I figure you have about two minutes before you drop and have a myocardial infarction. Are you allergic to betablockers?"

She shook her head and McCoy could see the color in her cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. Her breaths were shaky now and he could see her pupils beginning to dilate.

"Good," McCoy said and he held up the hypospray. "Jim, let her go."

Jim took a step back, throwing McCoy a confused expression. Just as he suspected she would, Anna didn't try to escape again. Instead she turned towards McCoy and pulled up her sleeve, baring one of her arms. McCoy pressed the hypospray against Anna's arm, releasing the medication.

Anna closed her eyes briefly and she sagged against the wall. McCoy waited, hoping the drugs would take and felt a weight lift off his shoulders when she took in a deep, welcomed breath. She took another one and he saw the relief in her face as she opened her eyes.

"Better?" McCoy said after a moment.

"Heart rate's still fast but slowing," she said. She pressed her hand over her heart again and she took another breath, slow and deep. She gave him a small, grateful smile and he nodded at her before motioning to the bed.

"Now, can you tell me if I should expect any harmful side affects from the BP running up against the other weird shit in your system?" he said.

"I should be fine for now," Anna replied, making her way back onto the bed. She sat up on the edge, her long legs dangling down to the floor. "Thank you."

"Do you remember what happened?" McCoy asked, watching her closely.

He found it remarkable how suddenly expressive she was, how much _softer_ she seemed now. He didn't quite understand how neurosuppressants worked. They were strictly prohibited in Starfleet major but McCoy had a feeling that the Federation Intelligence played by their own rules. He got the science behind them though and the results were variable. He hadn't thought that emotions could be controlled- in _humans_ anyway but as he looked at Anna, he began to wonder.

There was still a watchful, hesitance in her face but it was tempered by a vulnerability that had not been present before.

She glanced at Jim briefly before nodding at McCoy.

"I think so," she said. She gestured to the tricorder McCoy had been holding. "I had a seizure. What are my readings, Doctor?"

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "I'm glad you remember my title," he said gruffly. "Because it means I don't have to tell you a goddamn thing. However, you are going to tell me what it is exactly that made you crash earlier and caused the Chief Engineer to drag me out of bed at oh-twenty-three hundred hours."

Anna looked at him thoughtfully, considering. Clearly whatever it was in her only enhanced her natural abilities. Jim had said she was a genius and it was actually pretty clear to McCoy that she was probably much more devious than Jim gave her credit for (_the kid has a blindspot for her a mile wide_). But he couldn't help but wonder just how much of the cunning, calculating gleam he had seen in her eyes before were due to the unknown substances and how much of it was inherent.

"I think you already suspect, Doctor," Anna said after a moment.

McCoy snorted. "Yeah, I know what_ I_ think," he said. "But I can't help you if you don't tell me..."

"Then you can't help me because I can't tell you," Anna said.

"Anna..." Jim said gently but McCoy glared at her and cut him off.

"I don't think you understand," McCoy said, slightly taken aback by her response. "If you don't tell me what it is in your system that reacted that way to Gaila, then it's possible that you might have another seizure. She's not the only pheromone-laden being on this ship. I don't think I have to remind you that it's been less than five days since you woke up from a goddamn _coma. Y_our hormone levels are irregular as it is and your body is already under a lot of stress. Anything else goes wrong with you and you. Could. Die."

"I won't," Anna said, and she seemed strangely confident. But still... McCoy could see the fear lurking underneath her confidence. She wasn't outright lying to him but she wasn't telling him the entire truth either. "I'm sorry, I can't tell you anything more than that."

"Colonel Demerin, you're on my ship, on Starfleet property therefore under my direct jurisdiction," Jim said suddenly. McCoy looked at him in surprise- the tone of his voice rang with authority. Anna turned to Jim and narrowed her eyes. "You're not the only one who knows protocol. Under Starfleet major authorization code 453, section eight, I order you to relinquish medical information pertaining to the health and wellbeing of all sick personnel. Denial of this information can and will lead to court martial and imprisonment if these persons are in immediate danger of death."

Outrage bloomed on Anna's face, making her cheeks turn pink again.

"That only applies if the person in question can't speak for themselves," Anna said, her voice raising. Her hands curled into fists on the bed. "I'm more than capable..."

"Doctor McCoy, would you agree that your patient is under the influence of an unknown substance?" Jim said, turning to McCoy. McCoy looked back at him, eyes widening in comprehension.

_Oh boy... you are asking for trouble, kiddo._

"But I'm not impaired!" Her voice was beginning to sound hysterical and she looked downright scared. McCoy shook his head, feeling slightly ill. He didn't like these fucking mind games but he understand why Jim was doing what he was. He just wasn't sure if it was entirely necessary.

"She seems in control of herself but..." McCoy glanced at Anna and faltered for a moment. Something in his stomach curled at the look of utter betrayal and defeat in her face. It seemed she already knew she was beaten. "I can't be sure but I don't think she has trouble acting in her own best..."

"You can't be sure," Jim said. It sounded like that was all he needed to hear. "By withholding information about her condition, does your patient pose a danger to herself?"

McCoy glared at Jim, unhappy that he was being forced to answer a certain way. He didn't like being pushed- some things were not easily answered by a simple yes or no.

"Yes, however…" McCoy began but Jim cut him off.

"Thank you, Doctor," he said. "That's all I need."

He leaned forward and stared down at Anna and McCoy couldn't help but admire the way she held her own against the Captain. Jim Kirk could be damn intimidating when he needed to be but it was clear the girl had grit.

Still. McCoy couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"Colonel. Again," he said firmly. "I order you to give Doctor McCoy the information he requests. If you disobey a direct command..."

"Christ, Jim, there has to be another way to..." McCoy fell silent at the cold look the Captain threw at him before he turned back to Anna with his hands on his hips. She looked away and sighed.

"I can't," Anna said simply. "My medical records are confidential and open to the FI only. I can't give you anything."

Jim nodded, as if he expected her answer and turned back to McCoy.

"Then Doctor McCoy, you're to keep your patient under observation until further notice," he said. "She's not to leave this area without direct supervision nor is she allowed any outgoing transmissions beyond this ship. You can take whatever samples you need to determine how best to treat your patient."

"Understood, Captain," McCoy said. Anna stared at Jim with a stony expression but there was nothing cold about it though; it was white hot fury through and through.

"You think you're doing this to help me?" Anna said. "You actually think..."

"I know I am, Anna," Jim said. McCoy saw a brief flash of anguish in his eyes. It was clear Jim didn't enjoy this. "If you won't let us..."

"So you'll just force my hand?" Anna said. "Why don't you just put me under arrest and skip all this bullshit?"

"You have a choice," Jim said angrily. "You always had a choice and you've done nothing but put up a shitload of smoke and mirrors everytime I try to help you. I'm trying to reach you, I'm trying to give you what I can and I'm sick and tired of you not..."

"My orders supercede anything you..."

"This isn't about your fucking orders!" Jim said. His body seemed to vibrate with energy. "This is about you! I don't care what your orders are. Don't you get it? You're no good to anyone if you're _dead_. If you don't help Doctor McCoy, if you don't give him the information he needs, then I'm dropping you and Trig off at starbase Gamma. And I will make sure you're kept under medical care there. You can hitch a ride with another starship and delay your mission. _I am giving you a choice_."

"You do that and I can guarantee you that General Bishop will do everything in his power to pull your captaincy," Anna said. She wasn't lying down so the biobed couldn't get a clear reading from her but McCoy could see that she was beginning to gasp for air again. She glared at Jim, clearly not bothered by her condition.

McCoy picked up the hypospray though and began to calculate the right type of sedative to use and dosage. He slowly moved to the side, thankful that Jim held her full attention and quietly opened a drawer. He pulled out a small tube and inserted it into the hypospray.

_Just in case._

Jim glanced at McCoy for a moment but quickly averted his eyes.

"Bishop can do that. And if you do anything to jeopardize my mission, I will personally make sure you never step foot on any ship again. It doesn't matter if I live or die, Trig will just take on my responsibilities. There are some things more important than one person."

"Your stubborn pride isn't one of them," Jim said. "I know you have some misplaced loyalty to the FI but it's not worth..."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Anna said, her voice rising. "The Federation Intelligence is my..."

"Then enlighten me, Anna," Jim said. He was only inches away from her face and she leaned back, clearly uncomfortable with his proximity. "No more games. Tell me what I need to know."

It might have been his imagination but McCoy thought he saw disappointment and hurt flash across her face. She blinked quickly, as if thrown off and then her expression hardened.

Anna smiled then, a mean, mocking little smile. She put her hands on Jim's chest and pushed him backwards, just a little. There wasn't enough force to do anything more than make him take a step back. McCoy gripped his hypospray tightly but Jim cast him a look that told him to stay put.

McCoy answered with a glare.

_Enough, kid. She's reached her limit and so have I._

"I see," she said in a low voice. McCoy heard the tremor underneath it though. "You want me to tell you what _you_ _need_ to know? Oh forgive me. I thought you were only looking out for my best interests, Captain. Guess I'm only good for what information I can pass along right? That pretty little speech you gave me earlier about wanting to be friends again- I knew it was bullshit. Everything comes down to what you can gain for Starfleet and it has nothing to do with trying to _help_ me..."

"That's not true, Anna."

"You're a fucking liar," Anna spat out. "I'm on _your_ ship, remember? I don't have a choice. So just go away and let the good doctor take what he wants from me. After all, you just _ordered_ him to. And after he's done then it can be your turn."

Jim stared at her, pale and furious and sad. McCoy knew Jim wore his heart on his sleeve and his emotions were all there in his eyes. He supposed he wasn't really surprised when he saw longing there too, mixed in with all the misery. For a moment Anna and Jim just looked at each other, neither one backing down. Jim clearly had the upper hand though, McCoy thought. Anna looked equally furious but she reminded McCoy of a hurt animal. Wounded and backed into a corner, afraid and vicious.

Then suddenly, without a word, Jim turned around and walked away.

Both McCoy and Anna looked after him until the doors to the medical bay slid shut. McCoy sighed and rubbed his eyes with one hand, feeling drained.

"I'm not going to force anything on you. Think you can get to sleep on your own or do you need a sedative?" he asked. Anna turned to him and he realized with a start that there were tears in her eyes.

"Oh hell."

_I am too old for this shit._

He watched as she drew her legs up to her chest and rested the side of her face against her knees, turning away from him. He could hear her pained inhalations turn into sniffles and then wet hiccups and he put the hypospray on the table. He kneeled down and pulled a small, gray patient gown out from a bottom compartment on the bed and put it next to her.

"Here," he muttered. "I don't have a handkerchief but I think this will do."

Anna didn't raise her head and he listened to her ragged, harsh breathing for a minute longer before making up his mind. McCoy sat down on the bed next to her and put his hand on her back. At his touch, she drew in a shuddering sob that he felt underneath his palm and he pressed his lips together in a tight frown.

Leonard H. McCoy was a doctor, after all. Providing comfort was the least he could do.

###


	13. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**AN:**

-Work has been kicking my ass. Hard. I'll try to update again later this month and hopefully I'll post the next chapter sooner rather than later!

-Is anyone still reading this? If you are, thank you! Please do let me know what you think. Feedback is always good.

**Chapter 11**

"Captain Kirk. Commander Spock. It's good to see you both."

Jim Kirk smiled though it felt forced and Spock acknowledged the greeting with a slight tilt of his head.

"Likewise, Admiral Pike," Spock replied.

They both saluted and stood at attention in front of the large display panel. He was glad to see Admiral Christopher Pike again, especially after all the man had done for him, but his heart just wasn't in it. He had barely gotten any sleep the night before; he spent the early hours of the morning tossing and turning, unable to decide whether or not he should lift the restraint command he placed on Anna.

He couldn't get the last image of her face, shocked and angry, the full force of her disappointment directed all at him, out of his mind. What hurt the most though, what really made him sick was the fear in her eyes.

She had been afraid_. _He was fairly sure she wasn't scared of _him_ per say, but the idea that he was the direct cause did not sit well with him.

Jim didn't know what to do with her anymore. It was clear she didn't trust him and he was sure she would never trust him again. After he had briefed Spock on what happened in Engineering and his decision, Spock had deemed his actions sound. Jim knew, the rational part of him _knew,_ that he had done the right thing. Placing her under Bones' care was the right thing to do. She needed help, she was sick (and not just physically); Jim knew that the Federation Intelligence was at the core of it all.

The Federation Intelligence was at fault.

His former ambivalence toward the shadowy organization had turned into pure hatred. They had taken her from him, probably by trickery, and warped her so that she was nothing more than a highly-trained puppet with rank. Anna's personality, the warmth that he remembered, had been stripped away. His interactions with her during the past few days solidified this stance and he was already thinking about what he had to do next in order to undue the damage they had done to her.

_There has to be a way to get her out_, Jim thought as he stared at Pike. _I'll figure it out. Somehow. _

"At ease, gentlemen," Admiral Pike said. Jim and Spock lowered their salutes.

"I have some information for you both that I think you'll be highly interested in. It involves the current mission of the two FI agents in your care and the rest of the agents you'll be picking up."

Jim glanced at Spock and nodded and they both sat down before the screen. They were in the Captain's ready room, with the door locked by Captain's code only. When Starfleet requested a secure link, Uhura made sure that the ship's comms were set on high alert. Nothing could leave the room.

"Sir, we're all ears," Jim said, satisfied that his voice sounded calm and assured. He didn't want Pike of all people to see his inner turmoil. He didn't want to show an iota of weakness to anyone.

"The names you provided helped track down most of the information I'll go over today," Admiral Pike said. "It certainly allowed us to get further faster than we would if we were to use only the images you provided. Give my regards to Lieutenant Commander Scott- he did excellent job hacking into their systems. It's a distinction I'm sure no one else could claim and I'll make sure to keep that in mind the next time the FI gives us trouble."

Jim chuckled. "I will, sir. I'm sure he'll be glad to hear it."

Pike smiled for a moment but his eyes were serious.

"Colonel Anna Demerin and Major Greger Jansen are operative leads in charge of a special task force within the Federation Intelligence, codenamed Tabernacle."

Spock looked at Jim with a sardonic sort of amusement in his dark eyes. "It seems that General Bishop has a preference for using religious terminology."

"The Commander is right," Pike said, leaning back. It was clear to Jim that he was not particularly fond of the General. Jim didn't blame him. "General Bishop _is_ in charge of Tabernacle. And yes, he certainly has a thing about his last name."

He looked down at his datapad briefly before continuing.

"Four and a half years ago, the Rigelians came across a yet un-warped civilization which the FI currently calls the Tressacks," he said. "It's a close enough approximation of their name. A highly developed, humanoid species, they were especially adept in biological and chemical sciences. So much so that the Rigelians took an interest in their advancements. Apparently, they specialized in bio-chemical development and cross-species replication."

Spock raised an eyebrow. Though he was looking at Pike, it was clear he intended his next words for Jim's benefit.

"The Rigelians have become increasingly aggressive in their pursuit for a cure of Tuvan syndrome, especially since their Minister of Defense has been affected," Spock said. "Their position as part of the United Federation of Planets has become strained in the past decade."

"Yes, that's true," Pike said. "The Federation is currently investigating more recent crimes that the Rigelians have committed against several other non-Federation planets. With regards to the Tressacks, the Rigelians originally asked that they focus their efforts on finding a cure for Tuvan's. They attempted to enter in negotiations with the Tressacks. In exchange for a cure, the Rigelians were willing to trade warp technology- something explicitly forbidden by the Prime Directive. However, the Tressacks are an intensely religious people and according to their ancient texts, the manner in which the Rigelians appeared on their planet was a bad omen."

Something in Pike's face tightened.

"The Tressacks refused their request and in anger, the Rigelians proceeded to commit an act of genocide," he said. "There was a small uprising but it was quickly defeated by the Rigelians. Only a small portion of the population was spared- mostly scientists, doctors and researchers and their families. They set the Tressacks to work, threatening their remaining population if the cure for Tuvan was not found within the decade. To ensure the Tressacks had no chance for escape, they relocated the remaining population from their home planet in the Beta quadrant to planet J-311."

"Why didn't we step in?" Jim asked, sitting up. It was simply unacceptable for the UFP to stay uninvolved in the situation- there was no way the Federation, or Starfleet for that matter, would have sat back and allowed the Rigelians to continue. "Why didn't the Federation do something before the Rigelians committed mass murder?"

"We were going to, Jim," Pike said firmly. "Starfleet Intelligence had only just found out about the Tressacks and had already briefed Starfleet major. At the highest levels, plans were being made to step in through several different means. However, the Narada incident took place before we could do anything and both Earth and Vulcan had to deal with their own casualties immediately afterwards. Starfleet Intelligence... redirected their efforts elsewhere for the time being."

Spock raised an eyebrow, noting the Admiral's slight hesitation, but said nothing.

"What about the Andorians or the Tellarites?" Jim asked. "Or hell, even the Denobulans?"

"They were embroiled in their own political issues," Pike said. He sighed deeply and looked tired. "They agreed that the Rigelians had committed a heinous act but would not step in. Also, keep in mind that the Rigelians are in trade agreements with several UFP members."

"They were looking out for themselves," Jim said, disgusted. Pike nodded.

"In the end, most of the Federation planets opted out of helping the Tressacks," he said. "During this time, it was found that a Romulan trade ship had found out about the Tressacks and their biological capabilities and headed for J-311."

"Always the Romulans, isn't it?" Jim said. He glanced at Spock and shook his head, before turning back to the screen and Pike. "What happened next?"

"It was suspected that the Romulans had told the Tressacks about the Federation and their lack of action."

"I'm sure the Romulans needed no help to turn the Tressacks against the UFP," Jim muttered.

"None at all. The Romulans took down the Rigelian guards on J-311 and protected the Tressacks from further attacks. The Rigelians fought back briefly but ran off with their tails between their legs when it was clear the Romulans weren't backing down. In gratitude, the Tressacks entered into an agreement with the Romulans. They weren't interested in warp technology. Instead, they turned their research towards biological warfare," Pike said.

"So they focused primarily on revenge," Jim said flatly. _And why not_? he thought. They had been exposed to hostile aliens, had the majority of the people killed, lost their home world and found out that the organization created to prevent that exact situation did nothing to help.

Jim couldn't exactly blame them.

"Which Federation species did the Tressacks focus on initially?" Spock asked quietly. Jim frowned and then realized what Spock was _really_ saying.

The Tressacks had targeted the Federation species specifically.

_...if I don't succeed, then everyone dies. End of story. Game over. No re-dos..._

Is that what she was talking about?

_Still doesn't explain what she's going to do next._

Pike passed his hand over his eyes briefly and shook his head. He looked older than Jim had seen him before.

"We have genetic information for all alien species on record. In fact, Earth holds the largest repository for xeno-biological data," Pike said quietly. He hesitated again. "Jim, it's a well known fact that there are spies in Starfleet."

"They stole genetic samples for the Tressacks to use," Jim said. It wasn't a question. Spock looked at him and nodded and Jim realized Spock most likely knew what Pike was going to say next. He had already made the cognitive leaps to the only logical conclusion.

"It's unclear if the Tressacks are creating a pan-morphological plague or if it's specialized for each species," Pike said. "But what's known is that over a year ago, samples from _all_ Federation member species were stolen."

"How was Major Daniel Gaines involved?" Spock asked. Jim drew in a sharp breath, startled.

_...Daniel left..._

Daniel had been part of Anna's team. He had betrayed the Federation.

Pike looked surprised.

"Daniel Gaines was found to be one of the conspirators against the Federation," he said. "In fact, it looks like Gaines' involvement was only confirmed recently. He's been dishonorably discharged and is a wanted criminal. Now everything I've told you to this point has been fact. From this point on, we're wading into conjecture and I don't have a lot of the information to make this a complete briefing."

He glanced down at the PADD again before moving on.

"While Starfleet focused on helping the Vulcans rebuild, the Federation Intelligence took control of the investigation into the Tressack situation. They took the threat much more seriously than we did at that time, I'm afraid. The FI deployed several of their agents to key points to gather intel. Daniel Gaines was sent to Romulus, along with Major Jansen a few weeks after the samples were stolen. Somehow, the Romulans discovered them and attacked, killing two of their officers. Gaines was reported MIA, presumed dead by the FI. However, once it became clear that the missing samples were an inside job, they turned their attentions back on Gaines. They believed that he set up a filter in their database, allowing the Romulans and the Tressacks access to their communications regarding the investigation."

"Admiral, you said once it became clear that the stolen materials required internal espionage,'" Spock said. "I assume then that someone within the Federation Intelligence suspected the loyalty of Daniel Gaines prior to the theft."

Pike nodded. "I'm not sure who but yes, that's what I've been told."

"The FI wasn't sure Gaines _was_ the traitor until very recently," Jim said suddenly. He narrowed his eyes. "As in, two days ago. I think the fact they found him alive solidified their suspicions. Admiral, as I've reported, we've been monitoring video transmissions from Colonel Demerin to General Bishop. During her first interaction, the Colonel requested a communications review of the past six weeks. She said they had been ambushed on J-311. The Colonel also admitted that Gaines was alive- something that she was not expecting."

_...He's on that planet, Jim. I have to get him back..._

Pike considered this.

"It would make sense that Gaines wasn't the only spy inside Starfleet," he mused. "I'm sure they suspect others. That brings us back to Tabernacle though. Jim, I'm not entirely sure why Demerin and Jansen were on that planet. The fact that there was only two of them makes me think they were scoping the area out and planned to return without detection. For what reason is unclear but I have my suspicions."

"Heretic," Jim said. Pike looked at him sharply and gestured for him to continue. "Anna mentioned Heretic being on the planet during the transmission. Knowing Bishop's style, I believe that's what they're calling the plague or at least, the Tressacks' research."

"I've heard Heretic being bandied about," Pike said, nodding. "It's certainly plausible."

"Admiral, based on conversations between the Captain and the Colonel, Tabernacle consists of very specialized personnel. They are experts in weaponry, navigation, medical, communications and xeno-technology," Spock said. He paused and glanced at Jim before going on. "What is the purpose of Tabernacle?"

"What do _you_ think they do, Spock?" Jim asked. It was clear to him that his First Officer had made up his mind but was holding his tongue.

"Tabernacle is the team the Federation Intelligence sends when they want certain subjects dealt with in the dark," Pike said, in place of Spock. Jim turned back to Pike and frowned, suddenly feeling numb. He didn't want to know anymore, didn't want to hear what it was Pike had to say. But he knew in his heart of hearts...

"What do you...?"

"They deal in extrajudicial actions," Spock said simply. "The Colonel and the Major have an interesting set of skills that would be favorable to clandestine missions. Upon their arrival aboard the Enterprise, I was able to study the design of their suits and weaponry before Doctor McCoy destroyed them. Physically, they are trained and well-armed for both long distance targeting and hand-to-hand combat. Doctor McCoy's findings based on his early testing on the Colonel seem to indicate that they use neurosuppressants to check extreme emotional output and to increase physical endurance."

"They're _soldiers_," Jim said. "They have to be highly trained otherwise what good would they be to the FI? But that same training would help in reconnaissance work. Intelligence-gathering."

Both Spock and Pike fell silent and it seemed to Jim that something passed between them. Pike was watching Jim carefully.

"Jim, I understand you were close to Anna Demerin," he began. Jim crossed his arms across his chest and sat back away from Spock and away from the screen.

"I get it. I'm not stupid," Jim said. "Anna and her team may seem tailor-made for assassinations. She may have changed but I _know _her. There's just no way-"

"Jim," Pike said gently. "Colonel Demerin and her team are the Federation Intelligence's weapon of choice when outright force can't be taken. That's what General Bishop is in charge of and that's why he's got the Commander-in-Chief's ear. It's why he's been able to bypass all the normal processes. I've heard rumors throughout the years about Tabernacle. This isn't the first iteration of that team and it won't be the last. They've gone under many different names in the past. But this team in particular, this new group; I've heard that they've completed more missions than others before them."

Jim only stared at Pike, unmoving.

"Within certain circles in the Federation Intelligence, Colonel Demerin is highly regarded for her single-minded focus and dedication to service," Pike said. There was a twist to his mouth that Jim didn't like. "Outside of that circle however, the people who do know of her use _different_ words. In fact, depending on who you speak to, Tabernacle is either a God-send or nothing more than a group of vicious killers. I believe that the reason why the Demerin and Jansen were on J-311 is because they were sent to either gather information on a target or to actively neutralize a target."

"You can say it, Admiral," Jim said. "You think Anna was sent to kill someone on that planet. Who? She didn't know Gaines was alive until recently. So one of the Tressacks?"

"Perhaps we should not think about _who_ the Colonel is being sent to kill," Spock said. He inclined his head to the side slightly, taking in both Pike and Jim in his dark gaze. "But how many targets she has?"

Jim felt a headache coming on and he ground his teeth together, willing himself to think before simply reacting. He turned to his First Officer and for a moment, forgot that Pike was in the room. It was hard to control his emotions, hard to control himself when he had spent all night worrying about the supposed _killer _they were calmly discussing now.

_...I'm not a good person. I've done bad things..._

"Spock," he bit out. "I respect you, man, I really do but you don't know what you're talking about. She's FI but she's still on our side. She's still Starfleet, for Christ's sake. We don't condone slaughtering an entire species, even if _we_ _are_ threatened and Starfleet wouldn't make that call. You of all people should get that."

Spock's expression hardened just a little. Jim knew it was an underhanded blow but it needed to be dealt. Anna wasn't here to defend herself and even if she was, would they even care? It was clear that Pike wasn't a fan of the organization but Jim wasn't prepared to tar Anna, or for that matter, Trig, with the same brush.

_She can't defend herself because she's with Bones. Because I ordered her there._

"Captain, you'll be picking up the complete Tabernacle team in four days," Pike said. There was a hint of a warning in his voice and Jim knew he was treading on thin ground now. "I recommend that you find out as much as you can about their mission and what they intend to do with the Tressacks. You have their lead officer at your disposal. Pull as much information as you can from her. I'll leave it up to your discretion whether or not you want to move forward with providing service to the Federation Intelligence."

Jim felt a band around his chest. Without outright saying it, Pike was telling Jim that if he found out that Tabernacle was indeed going to wipe out the rest of the Tressacks, he could hold them on his ship. He could potentially keep them captive.

He was being told he could use Anna, just like the FI was using her.

_Just like she's using me._

Spock raised his brow. "Sir, if General Bishop does indeed have influence over the Commander-in-Chief, the repercussions of not complying with the Federation Intelligence's request..."

"It's the Captain's ship, Commander," Pike said firmly. Jim looked at Pike and then nodded curtly.

"Yes, sir," Jim said. "I understand."

"Jim, there's a lot more here than I know," Pike said, looking oddly uncomfortable. "And I'm not entirely sure if all my sources were completely loyal to Starfleet major. What I _do_ know is that there's been an investigation into Gaines' recruitment and one of our own is being targeted."

_So you're saying I don't know if I can trust the information you just gave me._

Jim only nodded though, not allowing his thoughts to show up on his face. He believed he could glean which portions were truth and which needed more information- that much was clear. What bothered him was Anna's relationship with Gaines. According to her personnel files, Gaines had been her first officer. She had to have trusted him deeply on some level so how could she have missed his treachery? She was smarter than that, and from what Jim had seen, she was also highly suspicious.

On top of it all, Pike was saying that Anna was a killer which Jim just could not believe. It was one thing to kill in self-defense (Jim had his own issues in that regard) but it was another to purposefully murder another living being. The Anna he knew wouldn't- _couldn't-_ commit such an act. He knew Pike was biased and Jim could admit he had his own feelings towards the FI that painted everything they did with malicious intent. But... still. She just wasn't capable of what Pike was implying.

_They tortured her when she was a cadet and then they changed the chemical make-up of her brain. She might very well be more than capable._

Pike looked off the screen and frowned, before turning back to Jim and Spock. "I'm afraid I'll have to cut this short, gentlemen. I'll send you additional notes on the situation. Keep me appraised as things progress."

"Yes, sir," Jim said. He hesitated, glancing at Spock before leaning forward. "And sir, there are other matters I'd like to speak to you about. Of a more private nature."

Pike looked at him curiously before nodding, and offering a small smile. "Of course, Jim," he said. "Comm me tomorrow morning, if you have time."

Jim nodded and smiled back. When the screen went black, Jim stood up and straightened his uniform, looking down at his hands as he did so. He could still feel Spock's gaze on him, studying his movements and he sighed.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier," Jim said finally. He looked at Spock. "I didn't mean..."

"You were upset," Spock said, his voice smooth and calm. "I was not offended."

"That's awfully magnanimous of you, Spock," Jim said. Spock raised his eyebrow and Jim laughed. "Seriously, I'm sorry."

"Your unnecessary apology is accepted," Spock said. He stared at Jim for a beat longer.

"Captain, I went through the rest of Colonel Demerin's psychological evaluation videos and I believe there is one in particular which you did not review," he said.

Jim licked his lips and nodded. "And you think I should?"

"It concerns you."

###

"He's not mad at you."

McCoy worked quickly, each movement precise and clean.

"Alright, he might be mad at you but I think he's more frightened than anything else."

McCoy logged in the second sample he had taken in the past hour and slid the small amount of dermal tissue into the computer's slot. His hands moved efficiently over the screen's keypad.

"He gets like that when someone is hurt on away missions sometimes. Tenses up worse than a horse around a beehive. He hates seeing anyone in pain, prefers to be the one in the line of fire, you know?"

McCoy looked up at the tissue sample magnified on the screen, glancing briefly at the lines of results from the chemical analysis he had the computer run. He frowned, blowing up one image after the other, discarding some and studying others.

"Jim's the closest thing I have to a best friend these days but he's never once mentioned you. It doesn't sound like things went beyond friendship but from what I know of him, he keeps his cards close. Doesn't share things easily, especially important things. Mostly though, with him, those are the things that hurt."

McCoy sighed and paused the tests. For a moment, he stared at the small tubes, little stasis chambers that held organic materials in an inert state, on the table. He was hoping that he would hear something, a shuffle of movement or even a sigh, but as the minutes passed there was nothing.

Finally, he turned around to face the bed and Anna, though she was little more than furniture herself now.

McCoy had moved her to a different section of the medbay, closer to the lab area in an isolated room so he could quickly and easily run her samples through the computer without being bothered. He had decided not to go back to his quarters and had changed into his spare uniform in his office. There was no point in handing her off to be looked after someone else. He trusted Nurse Chapel but if something happened to Anna, he did not want that to be on anyone else's shoulders. Anna was clearly a top priority until she was off the ship.

After Jim had stormed off, McCoy had tried to help Anna as best he could but he knew he was a poor substitute for a familiar face. It made him supremely uncomfortable to witness women crying. His ex-wife had clearly known this and had used it against him several times during their divorce settlements. But McCoy could tell Anna wasn't used to breaking down either and that her behavior had surprised her. In his opinion, the girl was in shock and her reactions were purely that: reactions. Anna had been vitriolic afterwards, giving McCoy short, snide answers that had them snapping back and forth at each other as he took more tissue and blood samples from her- a sure sign that she wasn't thinking with her normal care nor acting with her usual aloofness.

But that had been hours ago.

McCoy wasn't sure if it was the sudden chemical withdrawal that was causing Anna's current behavior or if it was something deeper, more intangible, but he wasn't fond of the listless, silent way she conducted herself now.

She was on her back, looking up at the ceiling with a glassy, blank stare. Her hands lay folded over her stomach and her dark hair, now completely loose from her ponytail, fanned out on the pillow underneath her head. Her face, pale and still, was once again that perfect doll's face he had seen when she had first woken up days ago. This time though, there was no artifice there.

It was as if she had completely shut down. As if she was unable to do anything else but stare at the gray walls. The slight movement of her chest and the slow blink of her slightly red eyes were the only indications she was still conscious.

McCoy had found it all deeply unsettling.

_Don't think Jim's ready to hear from me yet but I doubt he'd want to be kept in the dark. _

He grabbed another sample retriever and inserted it into a sterilized hypospray and picked up a small bottle of a blue-colored viscous substance, moving towards the bed.

"I'll need some of your spinal fluid, Anna," McCoy said. "But like I said earlier, it's up to you to give it to me. I don't care what Jim said, I'm not going to force anything out of you."

He waited for her to say something but she only blinked. So far she had submitted to all his tests easily- he had taken her silence as acquiescence. But it made him feel queasy to feel her gaze on him as she allowed him to move her limbs around, take tissue samples and pick at her like she was there for his use only. He was a doctor, a _healer_ and he knew that something was fundamentally wrong.

"Okay, sit up," McCoy said, gruffly. His unease usually translated as grumpiness and he felt his stomach churn as she slowly sat up. Instead of stopping though and waiting for his instruction, she turned her back towards him and bent her head forward so that the back of her neck showed.

_This is something she's done before._

The thought made McCoy pause for a moment. Lumbar punctures were rare- cadets had to submit to a variety of routine tests but this wasn't one of them. With certain infections it was necessary but otherwise most officers did not need to endure the painful process. After centuries of medical advancements, spinal taps were still highly uncomfortable but one of the best ways to quickly and easily examine fluids from and around the brain from conscious beings. Scans could only tell him so much, after all.

Fortunately the test took a significantly less amount of time and the procedure was much less complicated than those McCoy had seen in old holovids of pre-23rd century medicine.

Anna pushed her hair to the side, clearing off a wide expanse of pale skin and waited patiently. McCoy wondered at what it was that the FI were doing to her to make her familiar with the procedure.

The angle in which she sat, bent forward with her back towards him, made the straight line of her spine show through her sweater. There was barely any fat on her body and he made a note of another issue he wanted to check on. She was underweight for her height- healthy, but still underweight.

_The girl's a walking shitstorm of issues. Can't imagine what her mental state must be._

But he _could_ imagine it. The psychological training he had gone through years ago gave him that ability. He just didn't want to go there with her, not knowing all the facts around her situation.

"I think you already know this but it will hurt," McCoy said. "I'll take a sample from the first cervical vertebrae and then one from your lumbar vertebrae L4 and L5. Each procedure should take about ten minutes each and I'll make sure you have time to recover in-between."

Anna said nothing as she stared down at the floor. She had taken off her boots earlier and the sight of her pale, small feet made her seem even more vulnerable. McCoy forced himself to look away from them and focus on the next steps.

"I'm putting a sterilizer and mild anesthetic to the surface area first," McCoy said. He wanted to talk her through the process, even though she seemed unaffected. He could do at least that. He rubbed the cool blue gel over the skin on the back of her neck, moving to her side so he could see her face.

"You know, I used to wish all my patients would shut up when they were here," McCoy said, watching blue slowly fade into her skin. "You can't imagine how goddamn whiny these so-called tough command types are until you drag their asses in for an annual but this is ridiculous."

Anna said nothing as McCoy reached up to see if the gel had been absorbed. He could feel his frustration and worry building inside at her continued silence and he huffed.

"Do all Section 31 agents take a class on giving the silent treatment?" he said. He could hear the Southern accent, the one that only came up in moments of extreme irritation, appear and it made him even more irritated. "I swear, you're giving me the fucking heebie-jeebies with your..."

"You've been doing your research," she said suddenly.

He stood still for a moment before clearing his throat.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. He touched the edge of where the gel had been and was satisfied when he felt nothing else there. He looked back at her face though, frowning.

"Section 31 is an insider's term," Anna said. Her voice didn't falter when he pressed the hypospray against her skin. "Wrong, of course, but still an insider's term."

"Well, what can I say? I'm a curious guy," McCoy said. He was relieved to the point of being ridiculous. If she was talking, she was fine and he didn't have to worry about having a patient (_Jim's fucking childhood friend_) in a catatonic stupor. "And yeah, I looked into the Federation Intelligence. Can't exactly tell you that I liked what I read though."

"Most of the literature is based on lies and assumptions," Anna said. "We don't exactly pass out pamphlets."

McCoy slowly pressed down on the spray, feeling something inside the device release and break past her dermis. He could see her tense but she didn't move, even as he knew the internal microtube was making its way down into her vertebrae.

"You know what they say though- some of it's got to be based on truth," McCoy said. "'Rumor travels faster' and all."

"How quaint," Anna said. "Is that another colloquialism you picked up in Mississippi?"

McCoy blinked. "How the hell did you know that I..."

"Your accent gave it away," she said. "Don't worry. It's nearly undetectable when you're calm."

McCoy said nothing and looked away. He stopped the tube from going further and started the suction process, watching as the hypospray slowly began to fill up with spinal fluid. It would take another seven minutes to get the complete amount and he knew that this was the most painful part.

"You can detect accents," McCoy muttered. "Of course, you can. Why didn't I think of that? What else can you do? Do you have psychic powers? Manipulate reality?"

Anna seemed amused, despite his sarcasm and the hypospray at her neck.

"I can only identify Terran accents, Doctor," she said. Her voice was nearly a whisper and McCoy kept his eyes on her face as much as he could without jostling the hypospray. "Anyone with a good ear could have recognized the regional distinction. My Comms officer is much, much better at languages. I'm flattered that you think so highly of my abilities but no, I don't have psychic powers or reality distortion abilities."

"From what I've read, your organization is actually looking into creating those abilities artificially in humans," McCoy said.

"Again, lies and assumptions," she said. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. "Do we scare you, Doctor?"

McCoy snorted and rolled his eyes. "Hell no, you don't," he said. "Not when the fruits of your research landed you in my medbay."

Anna closed her eyes. McCoy saw that the hypo was barely a quarter filled. Her face was tight with the effort of bracing herself against the pain and she stopped talking, pressing her lips together until they were almost white.

McCoy almost said something then, but then she began to breathe, slow and steady and her face smoothed out. There was a rhythm there and he could almost see her mentally pulling herself together again.

"Too true," she said finally, opening her eyes. Her eyes were glassy again, as if she were focusing on something only she could see. "I hadn't yet perfected the right balance of compounds. I was too eager to test out..."

"_You_ did this to _yourself_?" McCoy asked, in disbelief. "Of all the irresponsible, stupid, reckless shit I have heard, this has to top them all. You willingly put something in your system that you weren't sure…"

And then something else passed through his thoughts.

"Tell me, Colonel," he said, as she stared at the wall. "You don't happen to have a degree in genetics and bioengineering, do you? Because the results I'm getting point to very sophisticated handiwork. I don't doubt you're a Grade A genius but this required expertise."

"I don't but my medical officer does," Anna said. "I helped him in our labs and he guided me through the research."

Something passed quickly through her features but was gone before McCoy could identify the emotion.

Her voice was quiet when she spoke next.

"Biology and biotechnology were my first tracks of study before I went into command. I always wanted to be a doctor."

McCoy stared at her for a long time, feeling a whirl of emotions go through him.

_What a fucking waste of talent you are._

"It's not too late," McCoy said. His voice sounded odd to his ears- almost gentle. He glanced at the hypospray and saw it was almost full. The liquid inside it was clear; it was a good sign. "You're still young. You can request a transfer, can't you?"

"No. But I wouldn't want to."

McCoy brooded over her answer for a moment.

"I'm done here," he said finally. "I'm going to withdraw the hypospray now so you'll feel the tube slowly slide up. You'll feel a pinch once it's completely retracted and I'll take away the spray. I'll wipe on more sterilizing gel after that. I'll give you five minutes to recover and then I'll take a sample from your lower lumbar."

Anna said nothing.

McCoy began to go through the motions he had just outlined for her, frowning deeply as he did. He felt unsettled and sick. If he had been in Jim's place, if any of the people he considered his friends had ended up in the Federation Intelligence, he would have fought tooth and nail to get them out.

_And what shoulder and what art, could twist the sinews of thy heart?_

The line from the ancient Terran poem seemed appropriate in her case.

McCoy removed the tube of spinal fluid from the hypospray and began to walk towards his workstation when she called out to him.

He turned around.

"I know the Captain wants to keep me stationary," she said. She paused and then lowered her eyes. "But I'd like to see Trig, if possible. He doesn't know I'm here."

Her face was carefully blank but her emotions seemed to shine through anyway. It was clear she expected him to say no and had already resigned herself to his response.

_But you still asked, didn't you?_

He held up the sample of her spinal fluid. "Will I find anything in this?" McCoy asked.

She looked up and stared at him, assessing. Then she shook her head.

He huffed, irritated once more.

"Then why'd you go through all that pain if you think I won't find anything?"

"I respect you, Doctor," she said, solemn but sincere. "I won't stand in the way of giving you a chance to find out for yourself."

McCoy grunted and stared at the tube. He was going to try his damnest to find some sort of clue and prove her wrong. Hell, if he could draw her out a bit more, he might be able to have a decent medical conversation with someone aside from Chapel and M'Benga. Get an outsider's take on things even. It was a challenge on both fronts but he wasn't one to back down from anything.

"I'll comm Trig as soon as I set this down," McCoy said. "He can come to see you after I take the second sample."

Anna smiled at him and McCoy turned away, embarrassed and ashamed that he hadn't thought of contacting her partner. Of course, Trig would be worried about his commanding officer. As much as he was glad to have her interacting again, McCoy couldn't help the niggling thought that crossed his mind.

_Hope Jim doesn't hit the roof when he finds out._

###


	14. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**AN:** Decided to put this up sooner rather than later. Work, be damned. As always, thanks for reading and please do let me know what you think! Reviews are very much appreciated...

**Chapter 12**

McCoy was frowning at the latest readout of results from Anna's tests and barely reacted when Jim stepped through the bio-containment field into the lab area. His frown grew deeper when the electrical field buzzed with Jim's entrance but he didn't look up.

"Hey, Bones," Jim said, throwing himself down into a chair next to the Doctor. It was just past Alpha shift and Jim hadn't bothered going back to his quarters or his ready room; instead he headed straight for the medbay. He knew he had to meet with Spock later and view the psych session that he wanted Jim to see. Part of him dreaded that meeting- after all, what good could come out of it?

"Did she talk?"

"No."

Jim sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. He couldn't help but feel disappointed even though he knew that Anna was not going to give up her secrets lightly.

"She didn't give you any information?"

"No."

"Damn," Jim muttered. "I was hoping she'd say something..."

Jim saw McCoy's jaw twitch but he was still startled when the other man slammed his hand down on the counter. Some of the glass tubes rattled in their cases and Jim eyed the hypospray that rolled close to him.

"Damn it Jim!" McCoy said. He finally turned to Jim and glared, pointing a finger in his face. "Did you really think that was going to work? I know you're the Captain but I don't appreciate having a patient held against her goddamn will and being ordered to poke and prod at her while she's still in the room."

Jim stared at McCoy for a moment before leaning back so that his chair was propped up against the wall. He could see shadows underneath his friend's eyes and the deep lines on his forehead and Jim felt a pang of regret.

"I wanted to keep her safe," Jim said quietly. "I knew you would do that. I'm not sorry about my decision but I am sorry for putting you in that position. I should have gone about it another way."

Something in McCoy's face softened, despite his scowl.

"Yeah that's an understatement, kid," McCoy said, turning back to his test results. "You know how I hate it when women cry. It's not right."

Jim put both feet on the floor, setting the chair straight again. "She cried?" Jim asked, surprised. "Are you kidding? Anna _cried_?"

McCoy grunted, hitting keys on the panel in front of him.

"Jim, she was in shock," he said. "She had just seized, her serotonin levels were rock bottom, and the captain of the ship she's on pretty much ordered her to confinement. So yeah, she cried. I don't think she meant to do it but can't say I blame her."

"But I did the right thing," Jim said.

McCoy rubbed his eyes and looked at Jim again.

"Yeah, she needed medical attention," McCoy said. "But I would appreciate it if I wasn't backed into a corner the next time."

Jim raised his hand and nodded. "Scout's honor, Doc," Jim said.

To his relief, McCoy chuckled and shook his head.

"You've been using that phrase since our second year History of Terra Culture class. First, you were never a scout," McCoy said, turning full towards Jim with his hip against the counter. "Secondly, there are no more scouts. But none of that shit matters. Come over here and take a look at this. I think I found something."

Jim stood and stared up at the two images on the screen. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking but it looked like two screenshots of cells, side by side.

"The scan on the left is a blood sample from Anna immediately after we beamed her on board," McCoy said gesturing towards one side of the screen. "The scan on the right is a sample of Anna's blood from this morning. See the difference?"

Jim stared up at the images for a second and nodded.

"The earlier sample looks contaminated," Jim said. "There are little black... uh, _dots_ next to the cells."

McCoy nodded. "It's not contaminated," he said. "It's a foreign substance, yes, but that sample isn't contaminated. Her more recent bloodwork shows the same substance in markedly decreased amounts. Anyway, remember those abnormalities."

McCoy's fingers flew swiftly over the panel and two additional images showed up underneath the blood samples. Like the first two images, these were sectioned off so that there were now distinct images on the screen, separated by lines into four squares.

"Both the images on the bottom are samples of Anna's spinal fluid," McCoy said. "They look normal right? But look what happens when I put them through the spectrophotometer."

McCoy hit a button and the spinal fluid samples turned a myriad of colors. Jim stared at the samples- they were almost pretty, with swirls of red and blue and green. But he also knew that he was looking at something unnatural.

"What is that?" he asked.

McCoy shrugged. "I'm going to guess that what we're looking at are various neurosuppressants," he said. "They were probably injected directly into her spine because her other samples, blood, tissue and so on, had only trace amounts."

"How many are there?" Jim asked. There were so many colors, mixed together. Some areas of the images were black.

"Six," McCoy said, with a certain amount of confidence that made Jim curious. How could McCoy know for sure- the swirls seemed indistinct and, well, fluid. "Not sure yet what any of them do and unless she tells me, I don't think I could find out with my equipment."

"But we're the flagship," Jim said with a frown. "We have the best equipment available."

"Starfleet equipment, sure," McCoy said, not looking at him. He seemed fixated on the images. "But this? This requires specialized technology and I'm going to take a wild guess that the FI has patents to whatever I'd need to really study these samples. These are color coded chemicals designed to suppress or increase neural activity. Fucking color coded, Jim! Hell, what we're looking at pushed my equipment to their limits. I had to play around with the spectrophometer until I could get even that image."

"What made you think to use the spectrophometer?" Jim asked. He knew it wasn't a part of the Doctor's regular test routine and McCoy lifted an eyebrow.

"Anna's not exactly the talkative type," McCoy said. "But when she does speak, it's worth listening to."

"She told you to use it?" Jim asked, surprised. McCoy smiled slightly.

"I wouldn't go that far," he said. "She just asked questions about the kind of technology I have. And then she asked how many color filters I had for my spectrophometer. It wasn't hard to see what she was getting at."

Jim smiled back, glad that Anna was responding to McCoy at some level but he was also a bit peeved. She had resisted his offerings of friendship- what made McCoy special?

_It might just be his title_, Jim thought. _Her psych evals said she would be prone to defering to authority figures. _

_Her parents were scientists- does she see McCoy as a surrogate? _

_Could I leverage that somehow?_

Jim rubbed his eyes and sighed. He was aware that he was using the FI's own psychological reports against her and it made him uneasy but he had to use any advantage he had.

"Now here's the interesting part," McCoy said. He began to type again. "Look what happens when I put her early blood samples in contact with her spinal fluid."

The images on the left side merged and Jim saw that the black flecks moved into action, reacting to the chemicals in the spinal fluid. He studied the scene before him quietly, watching as the colored swirls began to form a sort of ordered mosaic.

"It almost looks like... it almost looks like the black dots are controlling the colors," Jim said. He winced. "God, that sounds funny."

McCoy smirked.

"But you're right," he said. "They're controlling the chemicals in her spinal fluid. I think what we're looking at is how Anna is able to control her physical responses. Heart rate, adrenaline levels, pain reactions and so on. That is what I've been calling Substance X in my reports."

"Are they sentient?" Jim asked after a moment. "It looks like they're... rounding up the suppressants. Organizing them."

"I don't know yet," McCoy said. Jim glanced at him- he knew his friend's expressions well enough. McCoy was on to something but he wasn't going to say until he knew for sure. Jim knew he had to be patient. McCoy wouldn't be pushed and Jim knew he had done enough pushing anyway. "I've magnified them several times over. At a certain point, they become blurs- I think they've been designed to resist magnification. So yeah, I just don't know."

"Well, let me know when you do figure it out," Jim said, patting his friend on the shoulder. McCoy shook his head, frowning again.

"Again, I don't think I have the right equipment to do anything further," McCoy said. "This was a breakthrough in and of itself. I knew that there was some sort of controlling influence at work. From what I know of her, Anna's reckless and stubborn..."

"Yeah, and?"

"But she's not stupid. Far from it," McCoy said. "Jim, she admitted having a hand in the creation of these suppressants but I don't think she would have taken them if she didn't have a way to control them."

McCoy crossed his arms, looking pensive.

"She didn't take into account being injured though," he said. "Her original injuries required transfusions and hemopurifying. That cleared out most of the... the controlling substance in her blood. Without it, the suppressants were in stasis- they continued doing what they were meant to do, mainly because they were in perfect balance. But when she came in contact with Gaila, they went out of control. I'm guessing Gaila's pheromones negated only one of the suppressants but that was enough to affect the balance."

"So what?" Jim said. "She's normal now? Helpless?"

"Far from normal," McCoy said. "And helpless. She has an abnormal muscle-to-fat ratio and her skeletal system is stronger than the average human woman's. Hell, stronger even than the average human man. It doesn't mean she's invincible though and clearly, she's at a weakened state now. Also, she's underweight and all signs point to a recent weight loss. Not sure yet what the cause is though."

McCoy stopped and took a deep breath.

"I believe that the suppressants may have altered her personality," he said slowly. He seemed unsure of himself which was a rarity and Jim said nothing even though McCoy's statement made Jim want to ask more questions. "I can't say I know her all that well but there's a difference between our current interaction and the past. I'm not saying Anna, as a person fundamentally is different. But there's a definite decrease in aggressive behavior and she's been able to display a broader set of emotions, as I described earlier."

"'Been able to,'" Jim repeated. "What are you saying? That she was _unable _to do so before?"

"No," McCoy said. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. But there _is_ a behavioral difference, Jim. I'm not sure yet if it's good or bad."

Jim crossed his arms and turned his back on the images. He stared at McCoy.

"So what's the prognosis, Doc?" he asked.

"There are seven officers onboard that emit pheromones similiar to Gaila's," McCoy said. "Three are in Engineering, two in Security and the rest are in Science. If we limit her movements on this ship to avoid them, she should be fine. I'll keep a mobile monitor on her to make sure you or I or Spock are alerted if she goes down again but all in all? She's a mess, no doubt, but I can't _do_ anything for her. I've stabilized her as best I could. Anything I do for her at this point would be in reaction to something."

Jim chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking. He wanted to keep her in Medical for as long as possible. She was safe there and to be honest, he could keep a closer eye on her if she was kept under McCoy's care. But if McCoy didn't think she was in danger, there was no rational reason for him to confine her anymore.

"Where is she?" Jim asked.

McCoy flushed suddenly and he looked away.

"In my office," McCoy said. Jim uncrossed his arms, shocked.

"I took every sort of tissue sample from her I could take, Jim," McCoy said, before Jim could open his mouth. "And she gave them to me willingly. She's not a prisoner. She even helped, albeit in a half-assed way, to get the results I have now."

He pointed to a small screen on the table.

"You and I both know I have a shitload of security cameras trained on my office and everywhere else in this section. As far as I could tell, she's done nothing but doze off, eat her breakfast and read my old med-PADDs. She hasn't touched my personal belongings, and she hasn't put a finger on anything that could even be remotely dangerous. Damn it, Jim, she's tired and I was tired and..."

"Okay, okay!" Jim said, holding up his hand. "I wasn't mad, just surprised. She's been here half a day and already you trust her in your office alone?"

"Everything in my office is locked with my code. It's safe. She wasn't going to try and escape or hack into my files, if that's what you're getting at. Besides, if you're going to get pissed at me..."

McCoy trailed off and Jim eyed him warily. It was rare for him to get nervous so he must have done something he was sure Jim, the Captain and not his friend, would be angry at.

"Bones, what did you do?" he asked. McCoy sighed and shook his head.

"I let her see her partner," McCoy said.

Jim felt his stomach drop. Anna as an individual was a problem enough- her and her partner, the two highest ranking officers of Tabernacle presented a whole different set of issues. Jim had no doubts that whatever actions he thought they were capable of, it would still be an underestimate of their abilities.

_Too late now though. I'll just have to review the security tapes and try to see if any information was passed along._

"Were you in the room, at least?" Jim asked. McCoy nodded.

"Trig was upset but he didn't seem angry," McCoy said. "I explained to him the situation but left out your orders, of course. He seemed more relieved that she was fine. They talked for a bit and I didn't hear anything that was suspicious. I think he just wanted to make sure she was okay. She didn't tell him that you had ordered her there indefinitely."

McCoy tapped his fingers on the table and took a deep breath. "They seem... close."

Jim stared at McCoy.

"How close?" he asked, not meaning for his words to sound so sharp.

"_Close_," McCoy said. "Anyway, he was in here for less than ten minutes. The man seemed fatigued so I ordered him to get something to eat and report back here for a check up later today. I swear those two are falling apart before my goddamn eyes. We need to limit his movements on the ship as well. I don't think he has the same shit in his system but just to be safe..."

McCoy looked at Jim closely. "Anna's in my office, Jim. You should go see her."

Jim nodded and stood up.

"Thanks," he said. "You think I should release her, don't you?"

"That's your call, Captain," McCoy said. He turned towards the panel again and shrugged. "But there's no point in keeping her here. Like I said, I'll slap a monitor bracelet on her and you should limit her movements on the ship but that's about all we can do."

"Understood, Doctor," Jim said. He turned to leave and then hesitated. "I'm glad she seems to trust you. You know, she wanted to be a doctor when we were kids."

"Yeah, I know," McCoy said, almost distractedly as he turned back to the panel. "Her parents were scientists, right?"

"What?" Jim said, now feeling truly annoyed. As Spock would say, it was an illogical emotion but Jim couldn't help being slightly miffed. "How did you..."

"She mentioned it," McCoy said, typing again. He seemed not to notice Jim's mood, so absorbed was he in his research.

"She _told_ you this?"

"Uh, yeah," McCoy said, finally looking back at him. "I haven't suddenly developed the power to read minds."

Jim and McCoy stared at each other for a moment and Jim could see the dawning comprehension in the other man's eyes. He felt his cheeks burn and he looked away, headed for the door.

"I'll swing by your office and release her," Jim said. "I'm sure Anna will be..."

"Oh for Christ's... _Jim_!" McCoy exclaimed. Jim sighed and turned around, embarrassed that his friend could see right through him. McCoy was anything but obtuse, after all but he hadn't meant to be so transparent.

"Bones, I'm not..."

"Good, I hope not," McCoy said firmly. He glared at Jim and then shook his head. "Anyway, go ahead and release her. I need you to stop by here so I can set the monitor on her and then you should get her something to eat. She's been sleeping for the past couple of hours and missed lunch. Make sure she gets something hearty. Protein. Carbs. That sort of thing."

Jim gave him a jaunty salute and McCoy waved him off, rolling his eyes.

###

Anna was still asleep on McCoy's pull-out bed when Jim walked into his office. The doors slid quietly shut behind him and he paused for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the dim light. The sight of the Doctor's office was as familiar as his own ready room: the display of antique medical equipment (which admittedly made Jim shiver inside each time he saw their sharp, metallic edges), datapads stacked haphazardly on the desk, the boxes of preset hyposprays and tricorders on the far left wall... they were all the signs of his friend's domain. He was king here and it showed.

Leonard McCoy was a bit of a workaholic and the pull-out bed was more often in use than not, even during calm times. Jim was well aquainted with the bottle of bourbon he kept underneath his desk for after shifts and he knew to go to McCoy's office first, before checking his quarters, during emergencies.

_Wonder if Bones' has ever _had_ a girl on his bed_, Jim thought with a smirk, as he walked towards the sleeping figure. _There was that one Sisonian dignitary last year..._

Anna was on her back, with one hand curled around one of Bones' medical literature datapads and the other arm flung out to the side. A therma-sheet had been kicked aside and lay crumpled at the foot of the bed. Jim made a mental note to find other attire for her. She'd been wearing the same black clothing for over a day now and he knew she couldn't be comfortable.

It might have been the dim lighting, or a more physical cause, but her face seemed softer in sleep. Younger.

_Defenseless_.

His smirk faded while he stared transfixed at the steady, slow movement of her chest as she breathed in and out. Her lips were slightly parted and he could see the faint glint of her teeth. Her eyes fluttered and she frowned, moving her head slightly as if acting out a dream. Her hands clenched into fists and then relaxed but her frown grew deeper. Without being really conscious of it, Jim leaned down, meaning to soothe her somehow.

She sat up with a jolt, grabbing his wrist in a painful grasp, her large gray eyes wide and fully awake.

"What are you doing?" Anna demanded, suspicion clouding her features and Jim jerked his hand back in surprise. She let it go easily but stared at him with her jaw clenched.

"Lights, eighty percent," Jim barked out and glared down at her, rubbing at his wrist where she had bent it back. He was startled at the strength of her grip but mostly, he was pissed off at her automatic mistrust of his actions.

Also, Jim knew when someone was in a deep sleep- how had she woken up so quickly?

"I wasn't going to _do _anything to you. Bones told me you were here and I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Checking up to see if I was behaving, you mean," she snapped. She rubbed her eyes with one hand and looked back at him balefully. Jim was tempted to snap back but as he studied her face in the light, he noticed her puffy eyes and her dazed, tired expression. Her hair was a tangled mess and her black sweater was rumpled. "I gave up tissue and blood samples willingly. I answered all of Doctor McCoy's questions within reason. What else do you want from me?"

Her tone was petulant and sullen and it quickly deflated Jim's anger. He remembered that tone well; Anna had always been more even-tempered than himself growing up but when she was feeling poorly, or when she felt particularly vulnerable, she had a tendency to act, well, _bratty._ It was a defense mechanisim, one he recognized now. She probably wasn't even conscious of it: the more peevish she acted, the more likely it was she would be left alone to lick her wounds.

It amused him to think that she still acted the same way. He sat down next to her, pretending not to notice the way she scooted back away, and rubbed his wrist.

"I don't remember you having an iron fist," he said, glancing at her. "You looked like you were having a bad dream."

"I wasn't," Anna said, a bit too quickly. "I'm a light sleeper. I heard you come in and you just... I don't like it when..."

She seemed to falter then and shrink slightly, drawing back into herself and Jim leaned forward.

"Listen, I had a chat with Bones and he thinks I should release you to rest in your quarters," Jim said. She seemed surprised but said nothing. "But because there are other people onboard that emit pheromones similiar to Orions', I'll have to restrict you to certain areas on the ship."

Anna looked away for a moment, considering, and then turned back towards him and nodded.

"Makes sense," she said. "I take it Trig will be under the same restrictions?"

"Yes," Jim said. "Better safe than sorry, right?"

"I guess," she mumbled. Her gaze paused briefly over the therma-sheet and Jim caught an expression of longing on her face before she straightened and composed herself. "So I'm free to go?"

"You're free to come with me to grab a very late lunch," Jim said. "Or early dinner, depending on how you look at it. You're free to freshen up before that. And you're also free to go straight back to bed afterwards. You didn't get a clean bill of health, Anna. That means no training in the holodeck and no arguing with me or Bones, is that clear?"

"Clearly we have differing opinions on the word free, Captain," Anna said, but there was no real anger behind her words.

She seemed too tired to put up a fight and as much as Jim was relieved not to have to argue with her, he was worried. As he had quickly learned, an argumentative Anna was a healthy Anna- the woman in front of him seemed to be only a pale shadow of the FI officer he had seen her to be.

_Behavioral differences, sure. But she looks exhausted too._

She shrugged and stood up and Jim got to his feet as well.

"Free is in the eye of the beholder on this ship," Jim said with a grin that he didn't really feel. "And since I just so happen to be that _beholder..."_

"That doesn't even make sense," she muttered, looking down at her sweater. She tried briefly to smooth out the wrinkles that had developed there and gave up after seeing the gesture was futile. "But fine. Whatever. As long as you don't confine me to one place..."

Jim's grin disappeared and he placed a hand on her shoulder, causing her to look up at him.

"If it had been one of your officers, you would have done the same thing," Jim said seriously. Anna frowned and looked away. She opened her mouth to respond but he shook his head. "Don't deny it. You would have thrown them in the medbay, or whatever equivalent it is the FI has, and kept them there until you were sure they were fine."

Anna sighed. "I'm not your officer," she said."And you don't have the same equipment the FI has for..."

"That's beside the point and you know it," Jim said firmly. He squeezed her shoulder slightly and moved his hand down to her arm. It was a subtle shift; he wanted to get her attention initially but now he wanted to convey the very real concern he had for her. He wanted Anna to understand that he had acted not out of duty but out of true sentiment. "I don't know how much you remember of what happened last night but..."

"I remember," she said, again a little too quickly for Jim to dismiss. She looked at a point past him. "I guess that must have been very frightening for you."

Jim had to laugh- she certainly had nerve.

"Yeah, it was," he said earnestly. "I wonder how you'd feel if you saw me going through the same thing. Actually, I want to know- Anna, how _would _you have felt if you had seen me just crash like that in Engineering? What would you have done if it was me who just collapsed on a platform with no discernable cause?"

For a moment, it seemed as if she were lost in her own thoughts, her gray eyes distant and unseeing of anything in the room. Instead of the blank, emotionless expression he had become accustomed to, she looked almost overwhelmed with emotion. When finally, _finally_, she looked back at Jim, he saw only confusion.

"I don't have a ship," she said quietly. "It's not a fair question."

"Your powers of evasion and denial are astonishing, Colonel!" Jim said and she wriggled her arm out of his grasp with a look of annoyance. He let go of her easily- she had tolerated his touch longer than he thought she would.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Jim," she grumbled. She ran her fingers through her hair and winced when she got caught in a tangle. "I'm going back to my room and taking a shower. Let me guess- you want to meet in Ten-Forward afterwards?"

"Wrong," Jim said. He smiled. "First, we're stopping by to see Bones. He wants to put a mobile monitor on you. After that, you can go to your quarters but we're eating in the Captain's room. You're lucky none of the pheromone emitters were in the Lounge when you were in there. Your restriction on the Enterprise is effective immediately. I'll give you and Trig a list of areas that are now considered off limits for your own safety."

"A monitor?" she said, her cheeks turning a slight pink. "I'm not _dying_, not even close! I'm not even _sick._"

"Did I say you were dying?" Jim said. "Is that the only reason _you_ would put a monitor on someone? Anyway, yeah, you're getting a monitor and so is your partner. At least until Bones is sure you're no longer in danger. And since he's still in the dark about your condition..."

He stared at Anna, trailing off and she returned his gaze, saying nothing.

Jim nodded after a beat.

"Right. Like I said, since he's still in the dark about your condition, it stays on," Jim finished.

"Fine," Anna said with a huff. She walked across the room and began to put on her boots. "But for the record, it's unncessary and extreme and..."

Her actions stilled and she looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"Your _room_?" she asked.

Jim grinned and put his hands on his hips. "I should be insulted," he said. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I've been in your room before, James Kirk," she said. She jerked one boot on, pulling up the sides with both hands. Jim noted the sharp lines and angles of her body where there should have been soft curves. Another worrisome fact: she didn't seem to notice his scrutiny. "And believe me, I am scared to venture back in. I don't care how much you've grown up."

He laughed. "Hey, just because I may have been a bit messy as a kid..."

"How many times did you spend the night in _my_ bed?" she asked, putting the other boot on. "Because you were too lazy to _find_ yours under the pile of clothes, toys, holovids, study PADDs..."

_Funny, how easily you bought that excuse for all those years._

"Actually, the truth was I preferred your sweet little bed over my own," Jim said. "Not everyone could pull off princess lace and pink sheets past the age of six but you... you managed to keep them until you were sixteen. I mean, that's something special, Anna. And that teddy bear, remember him? What was his name? Thaddeus? Trent? Ted?"

"And you somehow ended up a captain?" she said, ducking her head. But Jim saw the smile she tried to hide as she went back to the bed. She began to fold up the sheet she had used, keeping her head lowered the entire time. He watched as she lay the sheet down on the surface next to the datapad and hit the retraction key.

As the bed began to slide back into the wall, she walked to the door and Jim followed her out.

"His name was Tib," she said, looking forward as they walked towards the lab area where McCoy stood. "I named him after... Well. You know."

Jim looked at her profile and nodded.

"Yeah, I know. I remember."

###


	15. Interlude: Jimmy

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**A/N:** Reviews are love- if you leave one (and you have time) please log in. I try to respond and thank ya'll =)

**Interlude: Jimmy**

It was almost midnight on Thursday when Jimmy Kirk snuck into Anna Demerin's bedroom. She had left her window open as per their usual arrangement, and he carefully climbed through the small space, pushing aside the thin white curtains without making a sound.

As soon as he was through, he kicked off his work boots and socks, making sure not to get any dirt outside the little rug he had put there for that purpose and took off his jacket, placing it neatly on the plush armchair near the window. He closed the window, wincing slightly at the slow hiss it made, before turning around again. He stood still for a moment, letting the long day go, and stared at the sleeping figure on the bed across the room. He didn't want to go to go there yet- not when his body was still thrumming with frenetic, tired energy. It was late. Anna was sleeping. It wouldn't be fair to disturb her now.

As he felt the stresses from the day seep away, he looked around. Jimmy knew Anna's room well. He didn't need the light from her stand-up lamp to know where everything was but it was part of his routine. Part of the way he turned off the fast-moving parts of his brain, his well-tuned fight or flight instincts, and slowed down.

_This is home. I'm home._

In the far right corner was her study area. A sleek white desk with a small glass touch panel and two hardback chairs dominated the space. Datapads were littered across the table and some had fallen off onto the floor. Anna took her studies seriously but she was also a voracious reader. She jumped from subject to subject, devouring information like most people devoured food. Her current obsession focused on parasitic infections and some of her PADDs flickered with images that Jimmy wished he could un-see.

He shook his head fondly.

_Gross, Anna. Why couldn't you be into botany?_

He knew she thought of herself as an outcast along with him but that was far from reality. She was a brain, sure, but the truth was Anna was the golden girl, the one who could do no wrong while Jimmy Kirk was known as the World Class Fuck Up. He was the kid who always got into fights, who most adults considered a bad influence and who never had enough credits but more than enough attitude. Wrong or right, he knew he fit the "bad-boy-with-a-past" stereotype well which suited him just fine. He didn't give a shit what anyone else thought of him as long as he kept surprising everyone with his high test scores and off the chart aptitude levels.

What did bother him was that he brought Anna down. No one could see why she was so attached to Jimmy, least of all himself. The only thing he could do was push her out of her comfort zones, push her so that she could truly reach her potential. He knew she was content to stay in the shadows, to excel without really succeeding but Jimmy wasn't about to let her get away with that. He made her join school clubs and forced her to make friends and connections when she would rather camp out in her room and press her nose against a PADD.

_Not allowed to hide, Anna,_ he thought as he stared at the pile of her datapads on the floor. _You're so much better than this place._

Anna would have the brightest fucking future possible and he would make sure of it. She wouldn't go through life quietly. Not when he could do something about it. They were a package deal though and everyone knew this. Where Anna went, Jimmy would go and vice versa.

He turned his head and his gaze fell upon the short shelf nearby. It was filled with old toys from their childhood and he chuckled softly when he saw one of his robot figures, now long broken, stuck in amongst her dolls and stuffed animals. Anna wasn't much for things he knew other girls were into. Outside of her school uniforms, she had a limited wardrobe -much to her mother's dismay- but she was rather sentimental and surprisingly girly. Her room was littered with trinkets and dried flowers, pretty pictures and figurines mixed in amongst the science vids, cell growth plates and the Plasto-scales of various chemical compounds.

His gaze lingered on a small, ratty brown bear with a faded blue ribbon tied around its neck. It was propped up against the wall on her bedside table- a place of honor. The bear had been his first toy, a prized possession for a long time, and he had given it to her for her eighth birthday.

_It was all I had to give._

She had named it Tiberius and carried it around with her for years afterwards, even when other kids mocked her for it. It was nothing special. It didn't talk or move like her other toys but Jimmy had given it to her and she treasured it at her own expense. He swallowed a lump that had grown unexpectedly in his throat and ignored the sudden ache in his chest. It really had been a long, tiring day and his emotions were far too near the surface to be healthy.

Jimmy sighed and finally began to move towards her bed.

He had been working more hours at the antique bike shop in an effort to start up some sort of savings. They were both going to university soon and Jimmy wanted to make sure he was able to pay his way without having to depend on Anna or her parents. He was on full scholarship but he knew it wouldn't cover much in the way of expenses. He didn't want to be any more of a burden to her than he already was.

As lightly as he could, he lifted the corner of her hideous pink blankets and crept in beside her. He felt guilty: his clothing was still dirty with grime and sweat and his hands and feet were cold and rough but he _needed_ this. Needed to be here with her.

Anna was on her side with her back to him and he drew the blankets and sheets over himself, letting the warmth radiating from her body thaw him out. For a few minutes he remained still with one arm underneath the pillow where his head lay, staring at the mess of black hair in front of him. He could smell the faint scent of her lavender soap and her shampoo and he closed his eyes, finally feeling as if he could actually get some rest. He smiled to himself, glad that he hadn't woken her up and he felt safe and good, protected and protective.

"Mmphimmy?"

Jimmy opened his eyes and frowned. Anna stirred and he held his breath, hoping that she would fall back asleep. She was a light sleeper and though she was used to his late night entrances, it pained him to think that he was pulling her from her rest. He reached out and rubbed her back gently, moving closer so that she could feel him behind her.

Sometimes knowing that he was there was enough to settle her.

"Yeah, it's me," he whispered. "Go back to sleep. I'm fine."

"Mmmph."

She began to turn around to face him, making soft grumbly noises as she did. She wore an old white shirt that began to twist up over her stomach as she moved and he reached over and pulled the edge back down, covering her up.

_God, like I need any more fuel for _those_ fantasies._

It took a lot for Jimmy to blush but his felt his cheeks burn as his fingertips brushed over her bare skin.

"S'late," Anna murmured. "Momandad. Worriedbout. You."

_It's late. Mom and dad were worried about you._

He usually had supper with the Demerins but lately, he'd been missing meals. He loved her family, loved that her mom doted over him and that her dad still ruffled his hair like he was a little kid. They were good people and he wished he didn't have to sacrifice time with them for more credits.

She snuggled up against him and he moved his free arm over her shoulders, drawing her closer to his chest. It was instinctive; he didn't need to think about it. Her eyes fluttered and then opened and she tilted her head up to look at him sleepily.

"Hey you," he said softly. She gave him a crooked, sweet little smile.

As much as he hated waking her up, he treasured these moments when her face was completely unguarded and her eyes were soft and unfocused. At school, she kept people at arm's length and used Jimmy to hide behind. She was naturally introverted but sometimes he wondered if growing up around him had negatively affected the way she reacted towards others. He was much more aggressive than she was and she often deferred to him to make decisions for the both of them. He was trying now to undo some of that behavior, to help her stand on her own but he couldn't help liking the fact that she depended on him.

In private, she was open and bright, quick to smile and easy to make laugh. No one save Jimmy and her parents ever really got to see that side of her though. Teachers were always watching them (well, _him)_ suspiciously and the other students assumed they were fucking or some nonsense.

_Those stupid fucks have no idea what they're talking about._

Jimmy knew Anna believed they were all jealous of him, which was laughable. It made him uneasy to know how naive she could be sometimes. She didn't know that the majority of the fights he got into at school were due to locker-room trash talk. He knew that the other guys were blowing off steam when they talked about girls but he couldn't stomach listening to some jackass kid talk about his Anna like she was something to be _had_.

It wasn't as if he was a virgin. He hadn't been for years (and, _**wow**_**,** Anna had blown a gasket when she heard the rumors about him _before _he told her that he had lost his virginity to Carol Marcus- in hindsight, it had not been one of his better decisions to keep it from her) but he hadn't slept with nearly as many people as others said he did and when he did, he never talked about it. He enjoyed sex as much as any other teenage boy but there was no way he would choose to spend an afternoon doing some girl over an afternoon spent doing nothing with Anna.

Their friendship was worth more than... well, anything he had or could be offered.

"I know it's late. I'm sorry," Jimmy said softly. He began to stroke her hair, taking care not to catch his fingers in any knots and she made a noise of contentment. "Just had some stuff I had to finish at the shop."

"Doufhinneret?"

Jimmy smiled. He was well-versed in Anna's sleepy mumblings. _Did you have dinner yet?_

"Skipped dinner but I'm not hungry," he said.

Anna huffed and a small wrinkle formed between her eyebrows. "You eat. Heftuah wichansoupan. Alad. Inna-biobox Ontable."

Jimmy's smile grew larger. _You eat._ _Left you a sandwich, soup and salad in the biobox on the table._

_Leave it to Anna to put food in her biocontainment box. _

He paused for a second.

_Hope she wasn't messing with the plague earlier. _

"Thanks, sweetheart," he muttered, pressing his lips against her brow. Her skin was soft under his mouth. "Later, ok?"

"'Kay," she said. She pushed her face into his chest and wrapped her arms around his torso, settling in for the night. "Shave. 'Urts. Ow."

"Sorry, sorry," he said. He felt her hot breath on his shirt and her legs wrap around his, causing his knee to be pressed in between her thighs. He was suddenly very, very aware that there was only a thin layer of clothing between them and Jimmy closed his eyes, willing himself to calm down. He could tell she was beginning to drift off again as her limbs grew heavy and her breathing grew deeper.

He crawled into her bed three or four or five times a week and there would be moments when thoughts of propriety and protectiveness turned into want and possession. Being with Anna like this, when she was pliant and warm and clingy was a test in restraint. If he could just wait it out and focus on something else eventually the feelings would go away and he'd fall asleep.

She wasn't just any girl, after all. Anna Demerin was The Girl. Capital letters and all.

Jimmy knew how people saw him. He might be a reprobate but Jimmy was his father's boy in image and he knew how to use his eyes and his lips to get what (and who) he wanted. Anna was immune to all of that. After almost ten years of friendship, there seemed to be no room for anything else. He knew he should be content; after all, she truly cared for him and wanted the best for him. His mother chose the black over him, his brother ran away and had not come back and his step-father was indifferent to him at best, abusive at worst. Jimmy was lucky to have someone, anyone, to call his own.

And Anna loved him; he knew this. He should have been happy with that much. It should have been more than enough.

But Jimmy was only human and he was only a boy. No matter how hard he tried to tell himself that he had what he needed, he wanted more. It could have been so easy right then to roll over and press his body down over hers and just _take_. He could almost imagine the look of bleary surprise and confusion on her face... But would she stop him? Would she push him off?

_She'd give me whatever she thinks I need from her. _

It made him feel sick. As smart as she was, he knew she was easily manipulated. She had been raised to be polite and thoughtful and Jimmy was aware that some people would try to use that to their advantage. She'd be an easy target; she was a little too eager to please. He knew that she sometimes worked herself into a panic if she thought there was a slight possibility of disappointing anyone. She hadn't built up the necessary defenses he thought she needed and again, he knew it was his fault. Why would she- she had Jimmy to tell her what to do and who to trust.

_Won't let anyone hurt you._

He loved her, had known it for years, but if anything were to happen between them... well, it would be Anna's move to make, not his. If he tried to take more and she didn't want him but gave into him anyway, he would lose her and that possibility of loss far outweighed any gain.

James Tiberius Kirk was a risk-taker at heart but he would not lose Anna to his own selfish desires. He could not lose the only thing he considered precious because he was greedy. He told himself that he was prepared to watch her fall in love with someone else one day but that was fine- they had a future together, no matter what. He was confident of at least that much.

"Hear you thinking," Anna grumbled. He felt her rub her cheek against his chest like a cat and he continued to stroke her hair. "No think. Sleep. Shhh."

"Can't help it," he said honestly. "Brain's full of thoughts tonight. Go back to sleep, Anna."

But she tilted her face up again and looked at him with eyes more awake and clear than before.

"You look exhausted," she said after studying his face. Her words were sharper though her voice was hoarse. "Bad day?"

He glanced at her bedside chronometer- it was Friday morning now.

"Not bad, just long," he said. He tightened his hold on her, trying to make her curl back into him but she resisted. "Come on, it's not worth staying up for."

"Tell me about it?" she said. She gently pushed his hand away as she drew herself up and propped her head up with one hand. Jimmy pulled his arm back and lay on his back, blinking up at her face.

"Nothing crazy happened," he said. "Just had lots to do at the shop this evening. We had a ton of inventory come in unexpectedly. Barely had time to sit down."

With her free hand, she began to run her fingers through his short blonde hair, reversing their roles of caregiver and recipient. He couldn't help but groan in pleasure at her touch- it felt nice to be taken care of. He felt his eyes grow heavy and he was tempted to just go to sleep, even as she was watching.

"You're going to kill yourself, Jimmy," she said softly. "You go to school and then work without stopping. Thank God our classes aren't a challenge. You know you don't have to do this. My parents..."

"I'm not letting your parents pay my way next year," he said firmly, grabbing her hand and pressing it against the side of his face. "I told you..."

"I know," she said. She moved her thumb across the span of his cheek. "But it's not like that. I wish you could see it the way we do. You're part of the family. It's just a few things, you know, and..."

"I'm not letting them pay my way," he repeated. "I'm going because of you. I got in because of you. That's enough."

"You got in because of _you_," she said sternly, tugging on his hair. "So stop saying that. I didn't write that essay and I didn't pass those tests- that was all you. You're capable of so much more than..."

Jimmy reached up and pressed his fingers against her lips, causing her to stop speaking. She looked down, going cross-eyed and he laughed.

"It's way too late to be having this conversation," he said. "We have class tomorrow. Let's just go to sleep, okay? We'll talk about it later, kiddo."

He removed his fingers and she rolled her eyes.

"Liar. No, we won't. I'll bring it up again and you'll change the subject," she said, making a face.

"Yeah, probably," he said, smiling. "But I know that won't stop you from pursuing the subject so let's just call a truce tonight. Please? I'm tired."

At his admission, her face fell slightly and she nodded. Jimmy knew what to say to make her do what he wanted and the guilt welled up inside him again. He really _was_ tired though but still. It was no excuse. He both welcomed (and absolutely dreaded) the day when she would do something for herself. Be completely selfish and stand up for herself.

She yawned, covering her mouth with her hand. He reached up and curled his hand around the back of her neck, pulling her gently down. For a moment, he thought she was going to resist. She jerked away a little and then relaxed, lying back down on his chest. The top of her head rested against his jaw and he rubbed his chin against her soft hair. He wrapped both his arms around her, slowly running his hand up and down the length of her back.

Her arm curled around his waist and she grabbed a fistful of his shirt, as if to make sure he would be around as she slept. He knew from experience that her grip would stay true throughout the night, even when she was unconscious. He was never sure if he should be happy that Anna always wanted him to stay or sad that she was afraid he would leave.

_Mine._

They both had marks of ownership on them.

"Go back to sleep, Anna," he said quietly. She murmured something, too low for him to make out and he felt her muscles relax as she drifted away once more. "Just go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up. I'm here."

"Luffyouimmy."

He smiled and closed his eyes.

_...minemineminemine..._

"Love you, too."

###


	16. Chapter 13

**AN:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

**Chapter 13**

Greger "Trig" Halvar Jansen was _furious_.

He paced back and forth in his room on the Enterprise, trying and failing to calm down. He knew he should sit and rest, knew that his body was still weak and recovering but he didn't care.

He needed to move.

Trig was normally a happy, cheerful man- growing up in Iceland, the youngest of five children, he'd been raised to be outgoing and independent, slow to anger and quick to laugh. His brothers and sisters were a loud, rambunctious group and Trig had been loved, if not coddled.

Though it was clear from the onset of his childhood that he was precocious, he didn't think he was all that special. His older siblings were all fairly smart; it was a Jansen tradition to finish school early, break records and graduate at the top of the class, but he hadn't realized that his intuitive sense for how things worked, his love for the physics of trajectories and projectiles would someday lead him to the Federation Intelligence.

He had always assumed (as did his parents) that he would end up as a physicist. Weaponry, both historical and modern, human and alien, had merely been a side hobby. Though his studies focused on the principles of pro-quantum mechanics, in his private life he was drawn to bigger, more tangible evidence of how things around him worked. He would go to the Saga Museum in Perlan and marvel at the ancient instruments made of iron and steel, wood and rope, trapped within the safe confines of airlocked chambers. His fingers had longed to hold them and see if they worked as he _felt_ they would. He'd often re-create the things he'd seen, eventually giving the working replicas away as gifts.

He had been recruited by the FI at nineteen. Though originally offered the Science track, Trig had chosen Command and Military Science for the mere fact that it brought him closer to his true love. He also enjoyed the more physical aspects of the C/MS tracks and before long, he had forgotten that his former life had been spent studying the smallest particles in the (known) universe and arguing theory with other scientists. He still dabbled in physics but that had become more of a side hobby than the focus of his life as it once was.

Trig loved what he did. Though he suffered from brief moments of moral confusion and the occasional near-death injury (but there were ways around both of those things), Trig felt that the Federation Intelligence was home. He missed Iceland and his biological family, but Tabernacle was his _true_ family now. Almost everyday was filled with danger and excitement, and he felt in his heart that their mission- Tabernacle's purpose- was a noble one.

_Blessed are the peacekeepers. _

_Sometimes conflict must be resolved with violence._

He was aware of how other Starfleet organizations viewed the FI. They all thought FI officers were nothing more than amoral killers, "geniuses with guns" as he had overheard one 'Fleet Admiral say and they regularly had conflicts with the UFP Ethics Committee. For the most part though, it amused Trig. He could see why people saw the FI as they did: out of context, yes, they were assassins and the things they did were shrouded in several layers of secrecy. But despite all the mind-games and manipulation they inflicted on other groups, inside they worked as one team. Outsiders derided it all as hive mentality but the truth was, the FI was composed of people who would easily give their lives for one another. They had all been handpicked for a reason and they all believed in what they did. It was no different from the people who enlisted in Starfleet major, aside from being much more elite and discerning- but of course, no one else saw it that way.

There was a sense of solidarity within the FI, right or wrong- an "us against them"- mentality that made them even closer than family. Small teams, the ones trained for reconnaissance and "strategic eliminations" such as Tabernacle, developed a sort of sixth sense about one another. It wasn't something that could be forced or even replicated; it was built on years of trust and experience.

Trig had known something was wrong the moment he woke up that morning. The feeling of dread intensified as the hours passed but Anna hadn't turned up in his quarters or come back to retrieve her hacked datapad. She had given him plans to check on and he tried to focus on those, fighting the urge to search the ship's halls for his CO.

He could have easily asked the computer where she was, but he knew from experience that if Anna did not want to be found, she simply disappeared. She wasn't obligated to inform Trig of her whereabouts. And besides, he didn't want his request to be witnessed; didn't want his weakness _(where is she_?) to be recorded. What assuaged his fear was the feeling that Captain Kirk would not let Anna come to harm. There was something in the other man's eyes he recognized: James Kirk _cared_ for Anna, that much was clear. If something had happened, Trig would hear about it soon enough.

So when Doctor McCoy called on him, Trig was prepared.

The door to his quarters suddenly chirped and Trig looked up.

_I should have been able to detect an approach._

Fear began to mingle in with the anger.

_...I'm slipping..._

Anna stood in the doorway, holding something (_a rag?)_ in her hands. He said nothing as she walked inside. She had taken a shower and looked a lifetime better than when Trig had seen her in the medical bay. He studied her face and her body, noting the rapid changes that had taken place in the past day, and frowned when he saw the Starfleet communicator on her chest. His gaze moved down and lingered on the small silver band around her wrist.

"It's a mobile biomonitor," she said, and he looked up at her face. "You're getting one too. We're also being limited to certain areas on the ship. I know you won't be affected by the same..."

"You took neurosup 5631," he said in a low voice. As angry as he was, Anna was still his CO. He couldn't outright be angry with her but he sure as hell would show his displeasure at her actions. "You didn't tell me."

"I wasn't planning on taking it before our mission," she said. Her back straightened and her eyes narrowed, forcing Trig to back down a little. "It was a spur of the moment decision. Since Tressack physiology wasn't a cause for concern, I didn't think it was relevant to mention."

"You didn't think taking an experimental neural chemical was relevant to mention before a code three mission?" Trig said. He felt his heart begin to race and he forced himself to slow it down. A rush of adrenaline wouldn't help him now.

"Are you going to file a complaint, Major?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Her face was defiant and he could hear the underlying threat in her voice. _I dare you._ "Because I'd be happy to sign off on it. I'll even draft it for you."

Trig clenched his jaw tightly. He shook his head.

"You know I won't," he said. "As team lead you don't have to tell me anything that isn't directly tied to our objectives. But as your friend, as your _partner_, I think you do have to mention the fact that you're playing guinea pig with yourself _again_. You could have..."

"Died? No," Anna said. She sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Neurosup 5631 only affects stress-related emotions. I'll just have a harder time now controlling certain reactions but..."

"Right, like that's the only side affect. Anna, I know what a chem-wipe feels like," he said. "And you barely have N-serum left in your system- if you have any at all. Any one of the other suppressants could cause major cerebral damage at this point. I know for a fact you're on Neuropsup 5472 and that alone could cause your lungs to..."

"Greger."

She said his name softly, kindly and it made him stop.

"I knew something had happened," he said. He sat down on the couch and felt the fight drain out of him. He tapped his head. "I _felt_ you. It was like there was a vice up here, tightening, and..."

Something in Anna's face shifted and she regarded him curiously.

"Remind me again. When was the last time you were tested for psy-abilities?" she asked.

"Once when I was a ten but what does..."

"What levels?"

"Moderate to High. Five to ten, but what does that..."

"The minute we get back to HQ, I'm getting you tested," she said. "Levels one to four. All this time, we've assumed it's just intuition. God, I'm an idiot sometimes..."

"I know what you're doing. Stop changing the subject," Trig complained. He ran his fingers through his hair and glared at her.

"Anna, I was scared."

The admission was painful, but it was true. Trig wasn't scared of dying or fighting. He wasn't scared of failure or rejection. What he feared most was being helpless. Knowing Anna had gotten hurt, that she was in danger _now_ even as she stood in front of him, and he couldn't do anything about it shook him to his core.

"Oh."

Anna sat down next to him. She seemed to struggle with something.

He was briefly distracted from his worry and fear and anger by the expression on her face. He had gotten used to seeing the blank, indifferent masks they all could carry even in the most tense situations. It wasn't as if the FI were completely devoid of emotions- they knew each other well enough to detect amusement, anger, concern, grief in even the slightest gestures. He simply wasn't used to seeing Anna's face so open and bright, her eyes unshuttered.

"Yeah," Trig muttered.

"Me too."

Trig looked at her in surprise and she looked back at him, her vulnerability shining out like a beacon. She reached out for him and he met her halfway, grasping her hand in his and squeezing it tightly.

"Try not to die on me," he said, trying to sound light. "At least not anytime soon. I don't think my heart could take it, especially now."

"Promise," she said. Anna squeezed his hand back. "Frankly, I don't think _my_ heart could take it if I died either."

"Not funny," Trig chided.

"Yeah well, I skipped the Comedy seminar at the Academy," she said. She looked at the PADD on the couch next to her but didn't pick it up. "Did you send those transmissions to Bishop and Ven?"

Trig nodded.

She had asked him to relay messages to the team when Trig had gone to see her. Doctor McCoy stayed in the room during their brief interaction but they easily communicated in code. McCoy was either very naive or had underestimated the both of them; Trig thought it was a mixture of both. Trig genuinely liked the gruff Doctor but still... McCoy was not one of them.

Anna looked relieved.

"Good. Thank you," she said. "Did you get a response?"

"Yeah, I got an affirmative from Ven. Also, Bishop sent the program you wanted via transmission," Trig said. "All you have to do is activate it. Once it's in the ship's systems, only an FI officer can initiate the kill command."

"Good," Anna said.

"Bishop also said that when you're back planetside, you're to go straight to his office so he can yell at you for being irresponsible, reckless and damn-fool-crazy for using 5631 without stabilizing and shielding the compounds or tuning the N-Serum to make them compatible."

"Of course you told him what happened," Anna sighed. She didn't look angry though, something Trig was grateful for. "Those were his exact words?"

"Well, he said you were _fucking_ irresponsible, _fucking _reckless and damn-fool-_fucking-_crazy."

"Great," she said. "Sounds like him. For the record, General Bishop knew about 5631 and he thought it was a good idea for me to use it."

Trig snorted. "I'm sure he did. I'm also sure he thought you'd wait until it was actually perfected before you used it."

"Well, yes, but sadly he didn't make that part explicit," Anna said. She sat up and let go of his hand. "Keep the PADD here. I'll read the transmission later- I have to have dinner with the Captain soon."

Trig raised an eyebrow and Anna glared at him, pointing a finger in his face.

"Whatever it is you were going to say, don't," she said. "That's an order, Major."

Trig held up his hands innocently and made his eyes wide. Anna's cheeks flushed and it took all his willpower not to burst out laughing. "Who am I to say anything about you and Captain, what was it you called him that time? Jimmy."

"Trig..."

"I'm kidding," he said. Anna crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. He laughed again. He didn't think she was aware of how she looked.

"Anyway, Bishop mentioned one more thing. Apparently Admiral Pike's been sniffing around Tabernacle. I was monitoring their input/output signals and it looks like the Captain and his First officer had a long meeting with Pike this morning."

Anna tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. "Interesting," she muttered. "Pike was responsible for recruiting Jim and the man was all over his personnel file."

"Pike and his wife are childless," Trig said. Anna looked at him in surprise and then smiled. For a second, Trig was distracted by the expression. He cleared his throat and went on.

"They tried for a few years to have a kid but Pike was a celebrated captain. He was off planet for a long time. They eventually gave up, right about the time James Kirk enlisted in Starfleet. I don't think that it's a coincidence."

"Trig, you looked that up?" Anna said. "I'm impressed."

"I learned from the best, Colonel," Trig said, pleased by her reaction. "_'There is no knowledge that is not power'_, right? Pike wrote the definitive analysis of George Kirk's actions on the USS Kelvin and he knew about James Kirk. It would stand to reason that he feels responsible for the Captain, even now. Admiral Pike strikes me as an especially compassionate man, the kind to get attached to people."

"So Pike _thinks_ he knows all about Tabernacle and Heretic," Anna said, looking troubled. "That complicates things. Who knows what he was told and by whom? When I leave, send Bishop a transmission. I want to set up a video comm tomorrow and I want you there. Tell him he has to open the link first- it has to sound like he requested it, not me."

"Yeah?" Trig said. He didn't like the idea of Pike having the wrong information, hell, any kind of information about Heretic. "Okay. Anything else you want me to mention?"

"No, he'll know what we need."

"Yes, ma'am," he said.

She looked away then and not for the first time did Trig wonder what she was thinking. There was always something dark lurking at the edge of her thoughts, it seemed. Though he considered them close, he knew there were some things that she simply would not share with anyone. He knew she was an only child but she rarely spoke about her family and chose to work at headquarters during their very brief holiday breaks and between missions. Anything about her life leading up to the FI was also off limits. Trig gotten the feeling early on that she would shut down if he asked her about her past and he felt it best to let that side of her go.

Trig also wondered if Anna could see the parallels between the Captain and Pike and her relationship with Bishop. Like Pike, Bishop was childless (though there were rumors of a dead wife) and like Pike, Bishop's handiwork was all over Anna's career. It wasn't that she didn't deserve her post- after all, she had saved Trig's life and others countless times, but Trig had a feeling that Anna did not enjoy what she did. He could see the wistful look in her eyes everytime she suited up for lab work with Ven. He suspected that Bishop had "nudged" her into Command and no one in their right mind would reject the mentorship of one of the most connected senior officials in the FI.

He asked Paloma once, years ago, what she read from Anna and Paloma had glared at him with all the force her inky black eyes could manage.

"_None of your fucking business, you nosy asshole," _Paloma had all but snarled at him and he hadn't asked again. Paloma Tanz was not someone he wanted to cross, after all. Half-Betazoid or not, she was the type to claw someone's eyes out if they even so much looked at her funny and she was even worse when it came to the people she liked. Anna was firmly in the "like" category and everyone knew to tread lightly around Paloma when it came to their CO.

The only time he had ever seen Anna truly happy was when she was with Daniel.

Trig felt disgusted just thinking about Daniel now. He didn't know how Anna managed to maintain her control after that blow.

_...she was so happy and then..._

_Her face when she walked out of the Romulus mission debriefing... _

_When they told her I had lost him... _

_When she realized what Daniel had done..._

He pushed the memories away. He could think over it all when she left. He didn't want her to suspect where his thoughts had gone.

"I'll be back later," Anna said, moving towards the door. "I expect you to keep your appointment with Doctor McCoy though. I'd rather have you go there than have him stomp down here and start sniffing around. And besides, you look like hell. If he wants you to stay for observation, you won't put up a fight, got it?"

"Okay," Trig said. He picked up the PADD and typed in his security code.

"You and I both know the pheromones won't hurt you," Anna said. "If you haven't eaten, I suggest you go to Ten-Forward before McCoy or the Captain send over a list of the no-go zones. I'm hoping a phero-emitter happens to wander past and they realize you're not affected. I'd rather you not be limited like me."

"Sure thing," Trig said. "I ate but I'll run around Engineering and see if I can't track down that Orion. There will be witnesses, I'm sure. You do realize they'll haul us both back in for testing?"

"Her name is Gaila and yes, but they'll focus on me," Anna said, without a trace of arrogance. Trig knew she was right though. It seemed that both Doctor McCoy and Captain Kirk naturally gravitated towards Anna, for differing reasons. If their attention was on her, the other senior officers would follow suit and Trig could easily pass under their notice until she needed him front and center.

Trig realized he had forgotten something as the door opened for her.

"Wait. I meant to ask earlier- what _are_ you holding?"

Anna looked back at him and held up the black piece of cloth.

"Oh, this?" she said.

She looked at it as if it offended her.

"This is going to be a projectile in a few minutes."

###

Jim grabbed the large pitcher of water from the replicator and placed it on the set table in the middle of the room. He smoothed out the napkins and straightened the silverware, fiddling with the steak knives until they were just so. When everything looked acceptable, he touched the containment units that held their dinner to ensure that it was warm, not too hot, and sighed.

_I am not nervous_. _It's just dinner._

_Not nervous, just dinner._

Jim patted down his dark blue sweater and adjusted his trousers. It had been a long time since he put on civvies and he was a little self-conscious; he usually preferred his undershirt and uniform pants after hours. He wanted Anna to see him not as a Starfleet captain but as her old friend and the command gold was too obvious a sign of his status. Pike had told him to use Anna, to get more information from her while she was under his control, but Jim's loyalties were a mess right then. It was Starfleet versus Anna and Jim was caught in the middle. He knew where Anna's current loyalties lay but with the latest developments that had taken place, he hoped that he could sway her to his side.

And he had a long term goal.

_I have to get her away from them. They can't be allowed to take her away again._

If he could somehow place her in Bones' care, or under the care of a Starfleet doctor, he was sure he could undo the damage that the FI had done. It was clear that whatever was in her system had changed her. Bones had said there was a behavioral difference and Jim was willing to bet that the longer she was off those chemicals, the better off she'd be. With the help of a psychotherapist, she'd be better.

_Starfleet could use her. _

Jim stared out his window, suddenly hit with what that really meant. The Federation Intelligence had used her and now he was hoping he could persaude her to join Starfleet for what? To be used in the same way?

_No, we're different. We're not like them._

_She could go into Medical Science. I could get her a post here. _

But would Anna want to give up the power she had now? Her rank? Her team? If their positions were reversed, would he give it all up for her?

_No._

He wasn't the helpless, angry child he had been. He didn't need anyone to depend on him to make him feel as if he had worth. Jim had worked hard to get where he was now and he doubted that he would give it all up because of one person so how could he ask that of her?

Except... the image of that slow, sinister smile on her lips as she calmly threatened the doctor's family during her psych sessions-

_"I know who you are and where you live."_

-it made Jim anxious and all the more eager to take her back from them. That wasn't Anna. That was someone they had hurt and poked at and prodded until she lashed out. Starfleet could leverage her mind for more worthy uses. The Federation Intelligence had twisted her gifts and Starfleet could fix that.

"Jim?"

Jim whirled around, startled. He hadn't heard the door open and now Anna stood at the threshold, staring at him with an unreadable expression. She took a step forward, her movements slow and purposeful and he realized that she was giving him time to recover.

"Are you alright?" she asked. Jim licked his lips and forced himself to smile.

"Yeah, I was just..." He looked down at the table before him. "I got sidetracked by the view but you're just in time. Dinner's ready."

Anna took another step forward and then looked around his room unself-consciously. Her gaze swept over every corner of his living area and he didn't doubt that she was silently recording every detail. The now-familiar watchful look was there on her face but it didn't mar her features like before. She simply looked... curious. Jim wasn't big on decorating, though in the past two years he had collected enough souvenirs to make his quarters feel like home.

She looked better than she had the night before, even a few hours before. He had requested new clothing to be brought to her quarters but it looked as if she had decided against those for a pair of freshly laundered plain black trousers and a black Starfleet sweater. Something inside of him warmed at the sight of the small silver communicator on her chest. He thought it suited her.

In the somber, rather loose clothing, she seemed fragile and pale, less like an FI officer and more like... well, someone who was recovering from a long illness. Her hair- clean, brushed and pulled back, brought attention to her high cheekbones and sharp jawline. Bones had been right; she could use some filling out.

"So I hope you're hungry," Jim said, placing a hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

"What's for dinner?" Anna said, finally looking at the table. Jim let her go but followed close behind. "I'm guessing Doctor McCoy had to approve the menu?"

"No, but he did order me to tell you to eat every bite I put on your plate," Jim said. She stared at him and he shrugged. "Doctor's orders. I mean, it's either this or a direct tube into your..."

Anna held up her hands in mock surrender and her biomonitor caught the light for a second. As he pulled out a chair for her, he noticed she had something in one of her hands.

"What are you holding?" he said. He saw Anna glower at him before his vision was covered by something black.

_What the fuck?_

Jim reached up and pulled off a piece of cloth that she had thrown at his head. For a second, he looked at her, stunned before shaking it out.

It was a Starfleet standard underdress that female officers wore.

"What the..."

"Either your service staff has an indecent sense of humor or this is your doing," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. Jim raised his eyebrows. "I'm inclined to believe that the truth lies somewhere between. Did you really expect me to wear that out?"

"What? Female FI officers don't wear dresses?" Jim asked. He waited until she sat down and smiled down at her, throwing the dress over his shoulder like a towel. "Don't tell me you're embarrassed by one dress, Anna. I've seen your uniforms. They may have legs but they leave nothing to the imagination_._ _Nothing_."

"That's not a dress, Jim. That's a scrap of cloth masquerading as a dress. It barely covers... certain parts of my anatomy. FI uniforms are designed for maximum freedom of movement," she said, her gray eyes bright as he poured water in their glasses. He lifted the steaks out from the containment units and carefully placed them on their dishes.

"And they're tailor-fitted so that each one is unique for its owner and their physical specialties. Besides, you're probably thinking about our operations suits. Our dress blues are much more conservative."

"Oh yeah?" Jim said. He placed baked potatoes on their plates next and Anna nodded. She leaned over and began to dole out salad in the little bowls set there for that purpose. Jim was amused by the fact that she seemed determined to put more than half his share of leafy greens in his dish.

"Below the knee, buttoned up to the neck, type of thing?"

"Conservative, not prudish," she said. Jim began to place little pots of butter and sour cream, salt and pepper and salad dressing on the table and he held out his hands for the empty salad bowl. As he did, his hand brushed against hers and he jerked back, surprised.

"You're freezing cold!" Jim said. Anna's cheeks flushed but she didn't look away from him.

"Consider it a side effect," she said simply.

"Anna..."

"Is this going to be another medical exam?" she said. She withdrew her hands and placed them on her lap. "Because Doctor McCoy's already noted my poor circulation and weight loss. You can read his reports. I know you've been staring at me, Jim, so if you want to say something, then do it and get it out of the way."

Jim pressed his lips together. He wanted to ask, wanted to push for information but the way she looked up at him, with her large gray eyes and solemn expression, made him shake his head. She'd been through enough and she was being open with him- he didn't want to ruin the playful, almost cheerful, mood.

"Computer, set Captain's quarters at 25.5 Celsius," Jim called out. "Authorization Captain James Tiberius Kirk."

"Temperature settings changed."

He flashed a grin at her and then balled up the dress on his shoulder and threw it across the room. It landed on his couch and Anna sighed when he pumped a fist in the air.

"Infant," she muttered, shaking her head.

"Nah," he said, putting the bowl aside. He sat down and took a deep breath as she watched him. "Besides, you were always sort of a skinny little runt when we were kids, anyway."

Anna was silent for a beat longer before she glared at him in mock-outrage.

"Hey, I was a late bloomer," she said. He gestured for her to begin eating and she placed her napkin on her lap before picking up her fork. "Remember how worried my dad was when you sprouted up and I didn't?"

"Oh, you mean the year he took your height measurements every day?" Jim laughed. He watched as she picked at her salad and he began to do the same. "He drove your mom crazy. He had us all convinced you were going be a five footer for the rest of your life."

Anna rolled her eyes and took a bite. "Would it have been so awful?" she asked.

"No. In fact it would have been sweet to have you come up to my elbow permanently," Jim said, watching her take another bite. He pushed the baked potato closer to her fork and began to slather it with butter for her. "No more salad for you. Eat this. Anyway, I could have put you in my pocket when you were fourteen. You were so tiny."

Anna looked annoyed for a moment before digging into her meal. They ate in silence and Jim kept a surreptitious eye on her plate. She seemed languid and tired; it was clear she had no appetite but was eating to humor him- which was fine. She could humor him all she wanted as long as she finished what he thought was a proper meal.

"So, did Bones tell you about the first time we met?" Jim asked lightly. She looked at him with a cautious gaze and then slowly shook her head. To his relief, she picked up her fork again and took another bite.

"It's a funny story, actually," he went on. "It was on the shuttle to San Francisco, the morning after I enlisted in Starfleet- and that, Anna, is another story in and of itself. Anyway, I'd just gotten into my seat when this insane looking drunk guy, seriously, his eyes were going in opposite directions and he reeked of alcohol, was dragged out of the bathroom by..."

As he spoke, Anna seemed to grow more relaxed. She even laughed a few times as Jim spun exaggerated tale after tale of his exploits at the Academy, providing commentary that was usually at his expense. She was a little more sarcastic, a bit drier than he remembered but Jim liked her all the more for it.

He didn't want to give into hope just then, not yet, but she seemed to thrive under his watch. Each smile grew larger by a fraction and she seemed more engaged in general. He talked and she listened and Jim wondered what it would have been like if she had never joined the Federation Intelligence. If they would have somehow still ended up on his ship under different circumstances, like their friendship had never been interrupted.

Maybe it would have bloomed into something else, something better and brighter.

He could almost believe that.

"...and then the guy started _shrieking_ and Bones hadn't even touched him," Jim said, grinning. "It was the scowl that set him off. I swear, if Bones could bottle that look he'd have other doctors lining up for it to subdue their patients."

Anna poked lazily at the steak left on her plate. She had eaten a quarter of it, which Jim was proud of.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "He's not so bad. What's that old saying? His bark is worse than his bite."

"Yeah?" Jim said. He nudged the half-empty container of steak sauce towards her. "Well, he's much nicer with you than he is with me. I've seen him give you hyposprays- he usually aims for my neck. He at least gives you the courtesy of using your arm."

"Oh? And how many times has he used a hypospray on you during non-critical times?" Anna said, pointing her fork at him. Jim ducked his head, smiling and Anna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I thought so. Doctor McCoy told me you were _accident _prone. The veins in your neck ensure much faster delivery for certain medicines than the ones in your arm. And seeing as how you never could sit still, I'm sure the good Doctor knows he has to do as much as he can within a short amount of time."

"Doesn't make it hurt less though," Jim said, rubbing the side of his neck.

"So the big starship captain is afraid of a tiny hypospray?" Anna teased. Jim laughed.

"I'm man enough to be able to admit my fears," he said. "You have to give me credit for that."

"I think I'll wait on doling out credit until it's well deserved," Anna said. She made swirls of steak sauce on her plate. Jim reached over and pushed her discarded knife closer to her plate. She made a face but picked it up grudgingly and began to cut the rest of her steak into small pieces.

Jim sat back, pleased.

"I'm hurt, Anna, really, I am," he said, watching her eat. "Until it's well deserved? I admit a deep, dark fear of being stabbed in the neck..."

"Getting a hypospray to the external jugular isn't really considered getting stabbed in the neck, Jimmy," Anna said.

"Semantics," Jim insisted. He noticed that she called him by his childhood name and he couldn't help the big grin that formed on his face. "Anyway, I saved Earth. That deserves _some _credit, right?"

"You really said that," she said, amused. "You seriously pulled that one out and said it."

"It's true!" Jim said. He leaned forward and winked. "I mean, I may have had a _little_ help but at the end of the day..."

"I always knew you'd be great," Anna said suddenly. Her smile seemed to soften as she looked at him. "I know people used to think of you as George Kirk's son but you were always just Jimmy to me. You were the boy who helped me get my favorite toy out of that tree, my own personal hero. I always knew that someday everyone would see you the same way. Your father wasn't the only hero, you know?"

Suddenly uncertain of himself, Jim looked down and fiddled with the napkin in his lap, sharpening the crease there with his fingertips.

"I wish..." he started and then stopped, not sure how to say what he wanted. He looked up into her eyes. She seemed to steel herself then and he realized that she knew the implications of her words, what they would mean to him. And it was clear she expected him to react negatively. It was a confession of sorts for her but also an opening of a door. She was telling him that it was okay to push her a little bit more. Not much, just a bit.

Jim knew that he had to tread carefully.

"I wish you could have been there to see it all," he said finally. "Well, not necessarily in the line of fire but _there_. Around."

_With me. For me._

"I don't think I would have fit in your life," Anna said. "Not back then. I'm not even sure I'd fit now. All of this, everything around you? It's all your doing. You've accomplished so much and you've done it all without me. You have a good life now. I just wouldn't fit. You understand, don't you?"

"That's funny," Jim said. "You talk about fitting into my life like it would be something forced. The truth is, when you left, it wasn't like there were other things to fill in that void. I just sort of... carried that around, you know? This empty shape where you would have been was always just there, no matter what I did. And yeah, I have a good life now. Hell, I have a great life but..."

"There shouldn't be exceptions to that statement."

"Okay," Jim said. "I have a great life _and_ you'd fit."

"I'm not the same person I was," Anna said. She looked away, as if ashamed, unable to meet his eyes. "I can't just slip back into the same role I had in your life. And frankly, you don't need me to..."

"I didn't think so either," Jim said. "For a long time. But you're sitting across from me now and I can't believe that anymore. And it's not about _needing_ you in my life, it's about _wanting._"

"I don't know how you can think that after just a week," Anna said.

"And I don't know how you can't, after almost ten years," Jim said. He leaned forward, placing his arms on the table but she didn't look up. "You said you've changed and I can see that but so have I. The thing is, Anna, I want to get to know you again. I know it's not like we can just pick up where we left off but... why not just try to see if we can be friends again. Would it be so hard?"

He had a feeling that he had gone too far but he couldn't back down now, even if she wouldn't look at him anymore.

_Never let it be said that I don't jump into things feet first._

_Do it so much that it should be my middle name after Tiberius._

"What happens after this mission, Anna? General Bishop said that he'd leave it up to your discretion as to what you'll do next."

"I'd probably ask you to drop us all off at star base," Anna said slowly. She stared at her hands. "And then we'd hail an FI ship to pick us up and take us back to Earth for debriefing with the Generals."

"The Enterprise can take you back. It'll only take a week."

"That's true. But I think it would be best if we went our separate ways sooner. My team doesn't do well around Starfleet officers."

"And then?"

"And then... there are other missions," Anna said.

"I meant, and then what happens to us?"

"I don't know."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know," Anna repeated. She pushed her plate away from her. "It's complicated."

Jim bit his lower lip and nodded. He was disappointed in her non-response. It was clear she was hesitant to move forward with their relationship but it wasn't really a surprise. She had been hesitant in pursuing anything further with him throughout her time on the ship but Jim wasn't going to allow her to slink away from him once again. He wanted to keep in touch at the very least, but it was also a form of punishment. He wanted to watch her squirm a little, to force her to admit that she wanted more.

"I guess complicated is an understatement," he said. She looked up finally and he offered her a slight smile. She studied his face for a moment and then shrugged, looking away again. "But listen, do you have room for dessert?"

Anna looked startled at the change of subject and shook her head.

"I think I ate enough for the both of us," she said, gesturing to her half empty plate. "I don't know if I'll be able to walk out of here. You'll have to roll me out."

Jim chuckled. "Somehow I don't think that'll be necessary," he said.

He watched as she stifled a yawn then and he looked across the room at his chronometer. To his surprise, nearly three hours had passed since she first entered his quarters. His meeting with Spock was in less than half an hour and he was sorely tempted to reschedule but he knew he shouldn't. It was just... Anna sitting there across from him seemed so natural. Despite the awkwardness of the past few minutes, no matter what concerns she had about them, Jim just knew.

She fit there.

_What could you have been, if we had joined Starfleet together?_

_Who would you be right now?_

"Why don't you crash here tonight?" Jim asked suddenly. Anna blinked and then looked confused. "You're tired and I'm pretty sure you're about ten minutes away from a food coma. I have to meet with my First Officer pretty soon and. Well. Why don't you just hang out here?"

Anna opened her mouth and then closed it, suddenly flustered and put her napkin on the table next to her plate.

"I think I can manage the two foot walk to my quarters," she said. She smiled though, despite the blush that flooded her cheeks. He resolved to tease her more, as much as he could get away with anyway.

_As much as I can, in less than four days._

The thought sobered him a little. He had so much to do before her team was on the ship and he could only hope that with her weakening defenses, he could accomplish everything he wanted. He wouldn't quit until he did so, anyway.

Anna stood up and gestured towards the table.

"You're right though, I am tired," she said, starting to put empty dishes together. "Let me help you clear this away. They go in the replicator, right?"

Jim caught her hands and pulled her away from the table, putting one arm around her waist as she looked back at the table. Something in his chest tightened at the feel of her body against his.

_It's that age old story. You were born a heartbreaker and you don't even know it._

_And they thought I claimed that title._

"Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm a big boy. I can clean up after myself, Anna. If you don't want to stay here then please get some rest."

"Fine," Anna said, stepping away from him. She flashed another smile at him and he thought that the expression seemed to come more frequently and easily now. "Jim, thanks for dinner. Really. I don't think I've..."

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked. "For breakfast? And then lunch? And dinner?"

She looked at him, incredulous. "Considering that I'm under certain restrictions, I think I'll be doing a lot of nothing tomorrow," she said.

"Bones said that you should stop by the medbay during Beta," Jim said. "Remember?"

"Right, so I can play lab assistant?" she said, making a face. "And maybe give the occasional blood sample or two?"

"I think he's just about done with taking his pound of flesh," Jim said. "And I also think he likes you. He tends to be fond of difficult people..."

"Thanks," she said drily. "I'll take that as a compliment. But don't hold it against me if I think that he just enjoys the extra observation time. I'm sure I present an interesting case study."

Jim straightened and shook his head, growing serious. "Maybe Bones does find your case interesting," Jim said. "But he's one of the good guys, Anna. You're not a paper waiting to happen and don't think for a second that he would ever divulge anything about your case, even to me, that wasn't pertinent to..."

"I know," Anna said. She crossed her arms and looked around his room one last time, her eyes suddenly melancholy and dark. "I just... it's just my nature to be suspicious of people."

_It wasn't before. Not really._

Jim said nothing for a moment. He hesitated and then reached out for her, pulling her close. He wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and pressed his cheek against hers, trying to align their bodies so that he could touch as much of her as possible. It was fairly platonic, as hugs went, and Jim knew that it seemed a little desperate but he didn't care. It was something he had wanted to do since the first time he saw her on his ship- to prove she was real and that he could _feel_ her again, despite the anger and bitterness he had felt during those first few moments.

She stiffened, with her arms still crossed against her chest and for an awkward moment, they stood there. She seemed taken aback by his actions and he could feel her short, startled breath against his ear.

"This is the part where you hug me back," he said, amused.

"Give me a moment," she said. Her voice was quiet but strained. "I'm getting used to the fact that you just manhandled me into a hug."

He drew back a little to look down at her face. "Manhandle?" Jim said. "If that's what you consider..."

Before he could finish, she pulled her arms out and wrapped it around his shoulders. It was a proper hug now and she seemed to melt against him, warm and soft and achingly _familiar_. The geography of her body was a bit different now, but still. It was Anna.

_Mine._

"I don't remember you being so tall," she said. She rested her head against his shoulder and he closed his eyes, tightening his hold on her even more.

"Guess that means you're still a skinny little runt."

Jim could feel her smile, even without looking.

###


	17. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

**AN: **Thanks for the feedback, all. It's a lot of fun to correspond with folks =) I know I said there would be more Jim/Anna in this but I had to use this chapter to set up a later scene: Tabernacle vs. Jim....

**Chapter 14**

"Jim, what the- "

McCoy's words died on his lips as Jim pushed past him and walked over the threshold of his private quarters, heading straight for the doctor's personal video screen. It was 2300 and McCoy had been ready to _finally_ get to bed when Jim came to him. At first McCoy thought his friend just wanted to chat and maybe have a drink but it was obvious by the shaken, angry look on his face that something was on his mind.

McCoy was confused by Jim's state. He was under the assumption that Jim had planned to have quiet, intimate dinner with Anna. The fact that he was in civilian clothes seemed to underscore this idea but he also looked as if he had combed his fingers through his hair several times, a nervous tick that only manifested in private, and his clothes seemed rumpled and in disarray like he had tugged at the edges repeatedly. McCoy knew Jim met with Spock earlier that night so something must have happened between his dinner and that meeting to set him off in this state of barely contained agitation.

As the door closed behind them, McCoy followed his captain to the screen as he began typing in various commands.

"What's going on?" McCoy asked, worried but tired. He had had a long day and just wanted to unwind. Clearly though his plans for a quiet, restful evening were not to be. "Damn it Jim, if you're going to barge in here and..."

"Need you to watch something, Bones," Jim muttered, his fingers flying over the screen. McCoy recognized the first three digits of the captain's authorization code and he narrowed his eyes. Whatever it was that Jim wanted him to watch, it was under high security and he was willing to bet his finest bottle of bourbon that it had to do with his most enigmatic patient.

_The kid's obsessed. He's losing his objectivity._

"Okay, what's-"

"We've gotta get her away, Bones, get her back," Jim continued to mutter as he stared at the screen. "They used me to get to her... They pushed her and they just kept on her until she... until she..."

"Jim!" McCoy said. He grabbed the back of his sweater, dragging away from the screen and shaking him a little. His bright blue eyes were large with surprise but underneath it all, McCoy could see the turmoil that he was experiencing. "Calm the fuck down!"

McCoy gave him one last shake before releasing him. He rolled his eyes, stomped over to his drawer, pulled out a whiskey bottle and uncapped it. He handed Jim the bottle without bothering to get a glass and Jim looked at him gratefully.

"Thanks, man," Jim said, and took a swig. He made a face and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry, I just..."

"It's fine," McCoy said, taking the bottle back after he took a second mouthful. The last thing he needed was to get the Captain drunk. "Now what did you want me to watch?"

Jim glanced at the screen and took a deep breath. "Remember when Scotty cracked Anna's personnel file?"

"Yeah, I saw her psych evals when you sent them," McCoy said. He grimaced. "You read my report on those bullshit 'psychological endurance training' or whatever they called it sessions. What about them?"

"Spock watched them all," Jim said. He seemed calmer but there was something about the expression on his face that told McCoy the other man was still struggling. If they had been in a bar, Jim would have probably tried to get into a fight then- he looked like he was itching to hit something. "He found one session where they..."

"Where they what?"

"They kept tabs on me, Bones!" Jim said. "They were watching me to make sure I didn't get too close to finding her. And in one of the sessions they... they used me, they used something I did to get a reaction from her."

"What kind of reaction?" McCoy said. "What was it you did?"

Jim looked away then, back at the screen.

"That's not her," Jim said quietly. "I swear to God that's not her. You can tell when she's had enough, it's in her face but they still... and it just wasn't her anymore."

Jim looked up at McCoy, his face twisted with sadness.

"You have to help me figure out how to get her out of there," Jim said. "She can't leave with the FI again. The longer she stays with them the worse off she'll be, right? There has to be some sort of medical reason, Bones. I spoke with Pike this morning and he said I can come at it from the torture standpoint, there are regs against that, but you gotta give me a physical reason to get her..."

"Jim, this is madness!" Bones said, shaking his head. "I can't just manufacture a reason for you because you want to kidnap your friend- and yeah, that's what it sounds like you want to do. Their methods are extreme but it's not torture, not a textbook case anyway. And unless you've forgotten, the FI is the 'Fleet and with the way they're connected, you'd bring down the wrath of some pretty powerful people on yourself and this ship. You need to calm down and just take a step back for a moment."

Jim looked at McCoy, stung. His eyes were dark and glassy and for a moment, McCoy thought Jim was going to lash out at him. But then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"Okay, yeah. Okay," Jim said, opening his eyes. He looked more stable and more in control of himself then and McCoy patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry, I just..."

"It's fine," McCoy said. He gestured to the screen.

"Now what was it that's got you all worked up?"

###

_Session 45.3; Begin roll:_

The text next to the image in the video states that _Demerin, Anna Claire_ is nineteen years, three months old.

She is sitting in a plain gray room with what appears to be padded walls.

Her dark blue uniform is tight and stiff, emphasizing the lean, straight lines of her body and she sits on a metal chair with her bare legs crossed and her hands set on her lap. Her shoulders are pulled back and her chin is held high. Under the harsh light, two and half silver pips gleam on her collar. There is a halo-shaped communicator on her chest.

She is perfectly still, with an expression of polite interest on her face. A close observer would note that her surface loveliness is marred by a sort of hard-edged alertness and her eyes are cold and bright. Her eyes make her seem older. There is a cruelty there that seems out of place.

"Congratulations are in order, Lieutenant Commander," the doctor says. It is a female this time. Her back is to the video and there is a metal table between her and Anna. "Your performance during the _Dimitto_ simulation was impressive. In fact, it's still being discussed in certain circles."

A small smile flits across Anna's lips and is gone. Her eyes, however, grow even colder.

"Tell me, what made you decide not to leave the injured officer behind?" the doctor asks.

"To do otherwise would have been to lose a valuable member of my team," Anna says. "Lieutenant Levine was not injured beyond help."

"The purpose of the simulation is to help commanding officers grow accustomed to making difficult decisions regarding the members of their team during critical points in their mission. You decided to disregard the point of the simulation?"

"I know what triage is," Anna says. Her voice is calm and she seems almost bored. "And I made my decision based on several factors onsite. I don't report to you. I'm not inclined to give any background other than that."

"Of course," the doctor replies lightly. "You were recently promoted for your decision at Ulysses Six, weren't you? And that was a similar scenario."

Anna stares at the doctor, saying nothing.

There is a clicking sound as the doctor pulls up data from her PADD.

"So you decided not to leave Lieutenant Levine behind in the midst of crossfire," the doctor says after a short pause. "That seems to be consistent with you, Lieutenant Commander. No matter how injured or how damaged a team member is, you always return for them."

Anna tilts her head to the side, the polite expression never wavering.

"It's quite admirable really, especially for a cadet. I wonder, what would it take for you to leave someone behind?"

There is a long, awkward silence as Anna continues to stare at the doctor. Eventually the doctor's head dips; she is the one who breaks contact first.

"It's curious though," the doctor says. "When you were recruited, your file indicates that you had close ties to a young man."

Silence.

"Your file also states that..."

"I'm familiar with my file," Anna says.

The sound of more clicking.

"His name was James Kirk, isn't that right? Son of George Kirk, the great Starfleet hero. Tell me, Anna, how did James react when you informed him of your decision to join the Federation Intelligence?"

Silence.

"He must not have been very happy. According to our information, the only family he had planetside was his stepfather. And as you know, their relationship was rather... strained, was it not?"

Silence.

"Was he upset that he was losing his closest friend?"

Silence.

"You _were_ close, weren't you? It must have been very difficult for you to leave him behind."

There is a change in the air around Anna. She now seems like a tightly wound coil, waiting, and ready to jump at a moment's notice. It is a subtle shift, but there.

Her face though, remains almost pleasant.

"Did he ask you to stay? Did he beg? Did he get angry? What was his reaction?"

"I did not inform James Kirk of my decision prior to my enrollment," Anna says finally. Her voice is mellow and controlled. "But of course, you knew that."

"Oh no," the doctor says, with feigned surprise. "Well, I suppose that explains it then."

Silence.

"Aren't you even the least bit curious as to what befell your old friend after you left him behind?"

"James Kirk is intelligent and resourceful. I'm not at all worried about..."

"James Kirk is in jail," the doctor says. Anna blinks. "Again. This time, he's serving a two day sentence for disorderly conduct and assault. A bar fight, in this day and age. Your intelligent and resourceful friend injured another man so severely that he had to go to the hospital."

Silence.

The doctor fidgets before speaking again.

"He's been searching for you. James has hacked into several state directories and has even requested the help of Starfleet major, using his father's legacy. We halted that particular search though. It wouldn't do for Starfleet to find you and attempt to poach one of our brightest stars, now would it?"

The mask of politeness has completely dropped from Anna's face and now there is something dark and vicious in her expression.

"You left him behind, Anna," the doctor says. "Kirk was your first casualty, wasn't he? You left him to his own devices and by all accounts, he's become nothing more than a simple thug, a petty criminal. Did a part of you suspect that this is what would happen or are your actions now your way of compensating?"

Silence.

"Never leave a team member behind, isn't that right?"

Silence.

"I wonder what James Kirk would say to that."

Silence.

The doctor sighs in exasperation. She looks down and misses the way Anna's face suddenly goes blank. There is no hate, no rage- there is nothing there. Anna stares at the doctor with cold insectile calculation, as if she is a thing and not a person. It is the way a spider would eye its prey, just before it strikes.

"You drove him to commit these crimes, Anna. If you hadn't left, he might have perhaps done something constructive with his life but your actions..."

It happens so fast that Anna seems to move in a blur, though each move is precise. She stands up, kicks the legs of her metal chair backwards so that it flips over and grabs the two front legs with her hands.

She swings the chair over the table.

There is the sound of bones cracking- a soft, wet _crunch- _as the doctor falls down and away from the visual frame. A spray of blood hits the floor and the opposite wall but Anna shifts her weight so that she avoids being sullied. She releases the chair and it drops to the floor with a clatter.

The doctor screams in agony. Anna walks over to the other side of the table and looks down at the now unseen doctor. The doctor begins to scream louder, fear mingles with pain, at the sight of Anna. Her blue uniform is still neat and clean and her hair perfectly in place. She could be standing anywhere at that moment, looking down at any mundane thing.

Anna's face is expressionless as she lifts her foot and brings it down hard. There is another crunch and the doctor's scream becomes a shrill shriek. Suddenly Anna raises her head and tilts it to the side, as if she has heard something and she takes a step back. The door to the room behind her opens and she turns around, calm and poised, as if there isn't a hurt human being at her feet.

A tall man with short dark hair walks in wearing a gray medical coat over his dark blue uniform and a medkit pack on his hip. His large brown eyes take in the scene before him and his lips tighten in a straight line. He is handsome and young but like Anna, his eyes seem far older than they should be. He pulls out a sleek black tricorder and begins to scan Anna, placing his free hand on her shoulder.

Anna glances back down at the doctor on the floor whose screams have now been reduced to low groans.

"I broke her femur," Anna says quietly. "And she has a temporal bone fracture on the left side. Nothing too serious. I avoided major injuries."

The man lowers the tricorder and stares into Anna's face, as if searching for something. He looks as if he is struggling with anger, his dark eyes flashing with mixed emotions but oddly, it does not seem to be directed at Anna. He glances at the prone doctor and nods.

"You're late for the debriefing," he says, looking back at Anna.

For the briefest second, there is a flash of uncertainty on her face and then a curtain falls over her emotions again. But that flash of expression- it tells a multitude of tales. It shows the face of a girl who is horrified at what she has just done, at what she knows she is capable of.

Anna nods and then heads for the door, leaving behind the man and the doctor. The guards standing right outside the door nod to her as she walks by. They seem unaffected by the injury she has inflicted on the doctor.

The man sighs, places his hand over his communicator and kneels down away from the frame.

"This is Doctor ven Christie," his voice says. "I request immediate assistance in Chamber five."

_**PSY Note1:**_

_...otherwise, Lt. Cmdr. Demerin has responded well to Deconstruction therapy and shown increased ability to control and maintain her emotional state. She will now be transitioned fully into the Reconditioning program..._

_...as a result, Doctor-in-training Liza Madison has been transferred out of the Federation Intelligence psychology rotation following her hospital release. Disregarding her commanding officer's set program, Madison actively provoked Lt. Cmdr. Demerin, a Tabernacle candidate, beyond the limits previous doctors have placed for said officer. The injuries she sustained, her demotion and subsequent permanent record mark have been considered sufficient punishment although Doctor Matthew ven Christie has requested more severe actions be taken..._

_**PSY Note2:**_

_Lt. Cmdr. Demerin has requested increased dosages of the following: [deleted], [deleted], [deleted] and [deleted]. These are well within the high-average percentile for her rank and experience. _

_Request has been approved. Her treatment will begin immediately. Her [deleted] will need to be reprogrammed to accommodate these dosages._

_(C.F. Medical: Physiological Record)_

###

"Doctor McCoy, have you tried the tissue graft on non-humanoid species yet?"

McCoy looked up from his patient board and stared at Anna. She stood across from him on the other side of the split glass panel and looked back at him with frank curiosity. On the lab counter before her was a PADD with an article on a graft method he had developed years ago.

It was the start of Gamma shift and while he was technically off duty, he decided to stay in the medbay lab. He was finishing up reports, signing off on his team's inventory requests and quietly observing his new charge as she tinkered around the lab. He wasn't concerned with security risks; every key stroke or computer request she made under his watch was recorded.

After Jim had come to him late the night prior, McCoy wasn't sure what to think about Anna Demerin anymore. Her personnel files had brought up mixed emotions. He was fascinated by the Federation Intelligence's psychological methods and if McCoy was honest with himself, they seemed to work. There were slips, including the session that had unsettled Jim, but through his researcher's eyes, McCoy could see that Anna was being trained to withstand extreme forms of psychological pressure. He was fairly certain they also used various drug therapies alongside the "treatments"- the deleted portions of her file were pretty obvious indications.

But the overwhelming emotion he felt as he read through the files and watched the vids was disgust.

Anna was extraordinarily smart, inquisitive and thoughtful- a mixture he generally liked. Her early sessions with the FI had shown her to be particularly sensitive and empathic but there was a disturbing quality to her now, even as McCoy suspected the influence of the drugs she had taken was waning. She seemed to take for granted simple ethical considerations in medical research that most first year med students would not. Hell, most children probably had more boundaries than Anna did. She clearly had formal training and education in the medical sciences despite her lack of degree but he wondered exactly what her education entailed.

It was as if she had no limits when it came to experimentation, including on herself.

McCoy didn't know what she was like as a commanding officer but she was probably well-regarded and respected, if Trig's behavior was anything to go on. It was just... McCoy felt that she seemed better suited for a career in the medical research field, her somewhat sketchy ethics notwithstanding.

Today she played his glorified lab assistant, putting away samples and labeling others under Chapel's watchful gaze but there was a sense of contentment radiating from her that he hadn't noticed before. Most people of her rank and stature would have certainly balked at being asked to do menial tasks but Anna seemed not to care too much. Every now and then she'd ask a question or make an observation that threw McCoy off. He thought it was sort of fun though. She kept him on his toes.

"No," McCoy said. "I haven't had the opportunity."

Anna frowned.

"Surely you've had enough encounters at this point to test it out on non-Terra species," she said. "The procedure you've developed is quite brilliant. Based on it, if you create an axonal pathway between the tissue graft and the basal ganglia, you could literally build in a cortical stimulator in a creature's parietal lobe."

On the panel between them, she pulled up general species files on Antarans, Kradins, and Ekosians. All humanoid aliens.

"I think these would be the best specimens to begin with for testing," Anna said, gazing up at the images between them. "They have similar neural structures and their tissues aren't as dense as they are with other non-Terrans."

McCoy felt his jaw drop. It was plausible and a part of him was fairly amazed at how quickly she had seen the potential for his research but...

_For Christ's sake, she's basically saying I could control someone. _

_Cortical stimulator, my ass._

"That would require several trials," McCoy said, narrowing his eyes. "Not just to perfect but to figure out how any given alien neural structure will react to the graft. We've come across quite a few of those species over the past two years but I don't think any of them would take kindly to me asking if I could tinker around in their heads for shits and giggles."

Anna blinked. She looked back down at the PADD, her frown growing more pronounced.

"It's an idea," she said simply, scrolling through with her finger. Something about the set of her mouth told McCoy she was disappointed with his reaction.

"It's a good idea," McCoy said slowly. "But I'm not sure I could even..."

"You could create a program in the holodeck," Anna said quickly, looking back up. "It would be easy to write."

She hesitated then but her eyes seemed to hold a hint of excitement. McCoy almost smiled- for a second, he got a flash of something so very _Jim Kirk_ in that look. Part mischief and part glee.

And all trouble.

"I could write it for you."

"I didn't know you command types knew how to write code," McCoy drawled. But he was definitely interested. It was something to think about, at the very least.

"Jim told me he changed the Kobayashi Maru program," Anna said. "And he was definitely a 'command type' as a cadet, right Doctor?"

"If by _changed_ you mean _hacked_, then yes, you're right," McCoy said, allowing himself to smile at her this time. "I take it back. My apologies. You have an interesting skill set, Anna. One minute we're talkin' brains and the next, you're offering to write me a holodeck program."

"Consider me well-rounded," she said seriously. "Anyway. It's something for you to consider."

_Oh hell. Why not?_

Before he could say anything further, he caught a flash of gold behind Anna.

Jim walked into the room but he had stopped to talk to Doctor M'Benga halfway towards the lab. He was laughing and smiling at the other man but it was clear that his attention was elsewhere. He glanced at McCoy and McCoy acknowledged his presence with a nod.

Jim's gaze returned to Anna, but she didn't notice his entrance. She continued to click through the PADD, reading quietly.

_I'm willing to bet a week ago Anna would have known when someone walked through those doors. _

_Maybe even before they actually did._

"Hypothetically speaking, what would you need to know in order to write the program?" McCoy said, turning to Anna again. "What would something like that take?"

Anna looked surprised but pleased as she began to rattle off words that up until then he'd only heard with a Scottish brogue. It made McCoy's head hurt.

As she spoke, McCoy noticed that Jim finally walked away from M'Benga and was making his way towards them, his eyes bright and happy. It was a complete change from his demeanor the night before.

_Nothing a good night's sleep and a couple of shots of whiskey can't fix._

But as he got closer, McCoy could see the shadows under his eyes and the tense set of his shoulders. Still, Jim seemed to regain a bounce in his step as he drew near.

"...think it will be possible to use the replicator to recreate certain organ structures and you could easily grow tissue in the lab and program the holodeck sims to recognize the..." Anna trailed off and looked at McCoy sharply. "Should I write this down instead? I could work on it tomorrow."

McCoy nodded, half embarrassed. He was a doctor, not a damn engineer but he felt as if he should maybe re-read a couple of his old study manuals from the Academy.

"That's probably best," McCoy said. "I'm not as _well rounded_ as you are when it comes to these things."

Anna lips quirked in an almost smile and she opened her mouth to respond when Jim came up behind her and put his hand on her back. Her head jerked up and she looked at Jim with wide, surprised eyes. Her hands curled into fists and for a second, McCoy was afraid she would strike Jim as a reflex reaction. But almost instantly, she relaxed, though there was a hint of guilt on her face.

_That was close._

"Hey Bones," Jim said cheerfully. He stood next to Anna and his smile grew wider. "Anna."

Anna nodded at him and looked back down at the PADD.

"What's going on?" Jim asked. "It sounded like you were talking about making a couple of changes to the holodeck program."

"Doctor McCoy would like to test out an extension of a medical procedure he developed a few years back," Anna said, glancing at McCoy. "It requires subjects that aren't readily available to him. I was telling him how he could use the holodeck to test it out."

Jim raised his eyebrow. "Oh, is that so?"

"With your permission, I'd like to try it out," McCoy said. Jim stared at him. "It's just an idea."

Anna ducked her head, hiding a smile. Jim looked confused for a moment before shrugging.

"Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem," Jim said. "It'd be an interesting use of the holodeck, in any case. So who's going to write this program?"

"I was planning to give the Doctor a list of requirements he'll need to begin," she said. "And I can also include the foundational code. I should be able to hammer it out by tomorrow. You can take it up to Lieutenant Commander Scott for him to complete and implement."

Jim frowned. "Why don't you just write it?" he asked. "It'll only take you a few days to create a full program, right?"

Anna stiffened.

"After we reach star base Gamma and my team, I'll have no time for pursuits of these nature. And when we complete our mission, Trig and I will have to focus on giving our reports."

Jim's face hardened and he looked at McCoy as if to prove a point. He shook his head slightly in response.

McCoy knew about Jim's plan to keep Anna from returning to the Federation Intelligence. He didn't care what Jim called it, McCoy firmly stood by his first reaction- it would be considered kidnapping. Anna had given no indication that she was unhappy where she was and frankly, he didn't think Jim could convince her otherwise. But Jim Kirk was the type to attempt the impossible and succeed.

"Speaking of Scotty," McCoy said, quickly changing the subject. "Jim, have you heard how Trig is doing over in Engineering? He get in trouble yet?"

"I hope he's not causing Lieutenant Commander Scott any problems," Anna said, turning to Jim.

"Aside from scaring the pants off Scotty last night when he accidentally wandered in?" Jim replied. "Nah. Although you do understand that his concern was valid. After your reaction to Gaila..."

"Trig's not on the same regimen as I am," Anna said quickly. "But I'm sorry if he frightened the Lieutenant Commander."

"To be honest, it sounds like Scotty's having a blast with your boy," Jim said. "And I think Gaila's a little bit _too _happy to have Trig around. You know, he doesn't look like a physics nerd- he's got that pretty blond nordic thing going on."

"Call Trig pretty to his face and you'll be missing it soon afterwards," Anna said, with a smirk. "And tell Gaila to watch out for him, Trig's quite the charmer."

"Duly noted," Jim said. "Although Gaila's not exactly virginal either."

"You know, Doctor McCoy mentioned that Gaila had a preference for blondes," Anna said, tilting her head to the side. She winked at McCoy who bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing. He had indulged in a verbal walk down memory lane with Anna earlier, telling her a few choice tales from his Academy days and some from the recent past. "Especially of the blue-eyed, cocky charmer variety."

Jim looked at McCoy and then Anna with wide eyes and brought one hand up to chest, pantomiming a shot to the heart.

"Whatever Bones told you about me is an exaggeration, if not an outright lie_,_" Jim said. He reached up and playfully pulled on Anna's ponytail. "The man likes to tell tales, that's all. And actually, Gaila's preference is for blonde _men. _I happen to know that she prefers the company of dark haired _women._"

"I guess we agree on brunettes in general then," Anna said, smiling. For a second, Jim's grin faltered at her off-hand remark and that was pretty much all it took to solidify what McCoy had suspected all along.

There was more to their childhood friendship... and it was likely that it had been one-sided.

_Great. Just another complication in an already complicated situation._

"So I'm guessing the two of you are off to dinner then?" McCoy asked.

Jim smiled again but it was definitely more subdued.

"Yeah, I managed to get Chef to make the highest calorie dinner possible," Jim said. "So tonight we'll be having pork chops, garlic mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. And a few slices of chocolate cake to top it off."

"I'm still full from lunch, Jim," she said, making a face. "Seriously, I can wait a few hours. You don't have to eat with me."

"Sure I do," Jim said lightly. To McCoy's surprise, he reached up and briefly pressed his hand against her cheek. What was even more of a surprise was that Anna didn't flinch or move away. "And you're still cold. Why didn't you wear a sweater over that shirt?"

"Because that wouldn't help much and I got tired of the black," Anna said. She wore only a thin gray t-shirt with her trousers today. She looked down at the PADD again before turning it off. "I can hang out in my quarters if you..."

"Bones, isn't there something you can..."

"Really, I'm okay, I just..."

"...poor circulation. She's freezing..."

"Doctor McCoy can't do a damn thing about it," Anna snapped. There was a flash of something more than irritation in her eyes and McCoy started back, surprised at her vehemence. For her part, Anna seemed taken aback by her own response; she looked startled.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking at both men. Her cheeks turned a deep pink. "I didn't..."

_You weren't expecting that, were you? _McCoy thought. _How hard is it for you to keep your outbursts in check all the time?_

"It's okay," Jim said, throwing McCoy another significant look. He reached out and rubbed her back. This time, McCoy noticed that she did flinch. "Hey, it's not a problem, right? Just let us know when things get to be uncomfortable for you."

"No, I just..." Anna said. She hesitated and then sighed. "What could help is exercise. I know you'd prefer it if I stay stationary but it wouldn't hurt me to just _move._"

"No ropes courses," Jim said firmly. Anna's shoulders slumped. "But we do have other options."

"The gym isn't a safe place for her to be," McCoy said, shaking his head. He turned to Jim, feeling the weight of Anna's gaze on him. He ignored her. "Unless you order the pheromone emitters to stay away from the gym, which might be difficult considering they all have different recreation schedules. I think that it's safer to just keep to the assigned..."

"I have an idea," Jim said. He grinned, looking for all the world like an excited child. "And you'll love it, Anna, I know you will."

"Damn it, Jim!" McCoy said. "Listen to me, I..."

"It'll be safe, Bones, I swear," Jim said and McCoy sighed, knowing he wouldn't win, not against the Captain anyway. He knew Jim would do his best to keep her safe but he was afraid that Anna would be able to persuade him into bending the rules and McCoy would not tolerate that.

"Seriously, you can't let her within..."

"I'll block off the corridors and send an all ship-wide communication to keep clear," Jim said. He turned to Anna. "Are you game?"

She nodded. "As long as I get to _do_ something."

"And by _something_ you'd better mean the least exertion possible," McCoy said sternly. He glared at Jim, not liking the way his hand had been forced again, before turning to Anna. "I mean it. Your heart is still under stress. Any cardiac activity past a certain point and I'll have you back in here so fast it'll make your goddamn head spin, you got that?"

"Completely," Anna said. She smiled though her eyes were serious. McCoy felt a little relieved- it seemed that she knew well enough to take him at his word.

"Alright then, it's a plan. Bones, we'll be going," Jim said. He tugged at Anna's arm, pulling her away from the counter. "I forgot to mention. Anna, you got a request for a video comms link from General Bishop earlier."

Anna looked surprised. "Oh?" she said. "Did he say when?"

Jim shook his head. "He said whenever you were free," Jim said. "Look, I'll walk you back to your room and you can take it from there. He wanted Trig around too so just give Scotty a call and he'll send him down. I'll give you an hour before I come get you for dinner- will that work?"

Anna nodded. "Yes, an hour is fine," she said. She frowned. "Until you come get me for dinner? You're right next door."

"We're not having dinner in my room," Jim said. He smiled and tugged her further away from McCoy and the lab. "It's a surprise. Trust me."

Anna looked uncertain as she nodded goodbye to McCoy and let Jim take her away from the medbay. As McCoy watched the doors behind them close, he shook his head. He didn't know how Jim would be able to let her go but knew that he was going to have to anyway. McCoy just couldn't see it ending any other way.

_Congratulations kiddo, you just found your first no-win scenario._

###

"Colonel. Major. Good to see the both of you."

Jim leaned forward as Anna and Trig appeared on one side of his video screen and General Bishop on the other. He had walked Anna to her room only a quarter of an hour ago and Uhura had just comm'ed him to let him know that the external link had been set up. He felt no qualms about listening in on their conversation. He was willing to use any and all knowledge he gained as a way to keep Anna from leaving once her mission was over.

Anna and Trig both saluted and General Bishop waved his hand in the air dismissively.

"At ease, both of you," he said. His pale eyes seemed to glitter with fury as he looked at Anna. "You look unwell, Colonel. Is there anything you need to tell me?"

Anna stood up straight and Jim felt anger at the way the General scrutinized her with narrowed eyes. Trig glanced at Anna but she ignored him. Concern was written all over his delicate features and Jim scowled. It was clear that Trig was fine, though a trifle pale and thin. McCoy had briefed him on Trig's health and Jim knew that like Anna, he had lost weight and had the same chemical anomalies in his system, though they seemed to have a different composition.

He was glad that Trig was relatively healthy. Yet, though the man had been nothing but unfailingly polite and friendly towards everyone he encountered, Jim couldn't help but dislike him. Jim was jealous of their closeness, and it irked him that he felt that way because he honestly couldn't see anything beyond friendship between them. He had a very acute sense of interpersonal relationships and how to leverage them to his advantage and he could tell they were tight. It wasn't a surprise- if they had come out of the FI Academy together, of course they would have the sort of relationship that Jim had with Bones.

What annoyed Jim the most was that Trig seemed to be a genuinely good person. While Jim had no doubt that Trig would turn on them if Anna gave the order, up until that point, the man had proved himself to be highly intelligent, affable, and if Gaila's praises had been right, disarmingly charming. The fact that Scotty liked him made Jim feel even more disgusted with himself. Scotty was a fairly good judge of character and he'd taken to Trig.

Jim shook his head slightly to clear his thoughts and refocused on the screen in front of him.

"I've had a few health complications since we last spoke, sir," she said calmly. "Nothing to be concerned about. The Enterprise has a fine medical staff."

"You haven't been sleeping well."

It was a statement, not a question. Anna shifted slightly but showed no discomfort. She looked back at the General evenly.

"No, sir."

"It shows. How bad is it?"

Anna said nothing.

"Have your medical file sent directly to me," Bishop said after a brief silence. "I'll let Ven know what to expect before he beams aboard that ship. I need you in peak physical form, is that clear, officer?"

"Yes, sir," Anna said. She paused briefly. "Sir, you requested a comm link- is there something _you_ need to tell _me_?"

The General smiled and Jim physically recoiled. It was not a pleasant expression by any means yet Anna and Trig seemed unaffected by the seeming malevolence the General seemed to exude.

"As always, straight to the point," he said, approvingly. Anna inclined her head slightly in acknowledgement.

"I've been told that Admiral Christopher Pike has been asking a few questions about Heretic," he said. "Unfortunately, some people who have no business with our organization have given Pike erroneous information which I'm sure he's passed on to the Captain."

"What has Pike been told?" Anna asked.

"That's for you to find out, Colonel," the General said.

Jim felt his heart sink. What would he do if Anna tried to get information from him? He didn't want to have to confront that side of her. He rubbed his eyes and sighed heavily. It wasn't a question of _if_ though, more like _when. _He had a feeling he'd only seen a fraction of how manipulative she could be- the FI trained her to be so and Jim knew Anna had always been a good student.

"Sir?" Anna said quizzically. "It's doubtful that Captain Kirk would be willing to disclose any particulars about his conversations with the Admiral."

"Then perhaps you should offer the Captain a trade," General Bishop said. "He's rumored to be quite the negotiator. Let's see how good he actually is."

Anna and Trig were silent. For a moment, Jim thought he saw outrage on Trig's face but Anna only narrowed her eyes. He couldn't tell what she was thinking at that moment but Jim considered the General's words. There had to be an ulterior motive. If the General was willing to give him information, then there was a reason.

_Either he doesn't think the information Anna has is valuable, which is highly unlikely or..._

"Trying to find who Pike spoke to in the first place?" Jim said out loud. "Not bad, General."

He looked at Anna's face on the screen again.

"I believe that's prudent, sir. How fair should this trade be?"

"I'll leave it up to your discretion as to how _extensive_ it will be, Colonel," the General said.

"Yes, sir," Anna said crisply. There was a thoughtful, speculative gleam in her eye. As with the first video transmission, Jim thought there was more being communicated between them than what was said.

"Does this include information about Crow?"

The General nodded.

"Information on Crow is key to Heretic," he said. "I'm sure you'll be able to work past any unpleasantness that subject may cause."

"I already have, sir," Anna said. Jim had a feeling she was lying and even Trig looked at her from the corner of his eye. "I'll set up a conference with the Captain and my team once they're on board. We can exchange information then."

"Proceed as you see fit," the General said. "Tell me Colonel, what do you think James Kirk will do with the knowledge once you've imparted it upon him? Particularly about Crow?"

Anna was silent for a long time before she spoke again. She seemed troubled- a small wrinkle formed on her brow.

"I understand, sir."

"I knew you would. After all, it's better to have Kirk working with us than against us."

Jim frowned. Something had just happened then and it had flown right over his head. He mentally backtracked. Jim knew Pike didn't have all the information on Heretic or the Tressacks. There was still the issue of Daniel Gaines and who had sent him to the FI. There were plenty of holes in Pike's information- so what did Anna know, what did the _Federation Intelligence_, know that would change the game as Jim currently understood it? The Rigelians had killed and subjugated the Tressacks. The Romulans had put them to work and the Tressacks were now out for revenge. What part of that equation didn't hold up?

_Any or all of it, honestly. The General definitely has something up his sleeve._

And by extension, that meant Anna had something up her sleeve. Bishop's question wasn't really asking what Jim would do with the information Anna had... not at all. Instead, he was telling Anna that there was already a predetermined outcome, one that she seemed to agree with. And it sounded like someone or something called Crow factored heavily towards this outcome.

Bishop was assuming that somehow, Jim would play into his hands.

"General, is there anything else?" Anna said.

"No, Colonel," Bishop said. "You have your orders. Major Jansen, I trust that you'll follow the Colonel's lead in all proceedings?"

"Yes, sir," Trig said. "As I always say, she leads, I follow, sir."

To Jim's surprise, the General rolled his eyes and shook his head in exasperation. It was the first time he had seen the older man show any emotion aside from contained rage. For a brief moment, he even looked... amused.

"I don't know whether that makes you a good officer or a good puppy, Trig," Bishop said gruffly. "I fucking hate it when you say that."

"And it's why I keep saying it, sir," Trig said with a slight smile.

Anna cleared her throat loudly.

"General, if that's it then I request permission to end transmission," she said, throwing Trig a sharp look. Trig pressed his lips together and looked back at the General stoically, his smile disappearing without a trace.

"Permission granted," the General said, nodding. Anna and Trig both saluted and Jim noted his eyes seemed to soften slightly as he looked at Anna. "Take of yourselves, officers. Anna, you _will_ let me know how you're doing. I will contact the CMO directly if I don't receive a report within an hour, is that clear?"

"I'll make the request immediately after this transmission," Anna said, ducking her head.

"And sir? Thank you."

The General grunted and then leaned forward, ending the transmission from his end. The screen before Jim went black and he rubbed his eyes tiredly. For a moment he sat still, deep in thought. Then he reached out and saved a copy of the transmission before sending it to Spock for his review.

Anna was going to tell him about Heretic if he gave her information. Jim already decided he would tell her what he knew piecemeal. Pike's information came from multiple sources so no one party could be identified based on what he had been told- Jim wasn't worried about that at all. He had a gut feeling that while Anna could conceivably lie to him, she wouldn't. It seemed that the truth was simply more of a motivator than a lie. Or at least, that's what the FI thought.

_Curiosity killed the cat. _

_What could the truth do? _

Jim sighed loudly and stood up, tugging his command shirt over his head.

He'd have to think about all of it later.

Right now, he had plans to make.

###


	18. Chapter 15

**AN:** Once again, work is kicking my butt so I'm posting this much later than I would have liked. Anyway, a good majority of this chapter (and probably the next) is Anna/Jim shmoop. But like their relationship, it starts off well and eventually deteriorates.

Hope you guys enjoy and as always, thank you for reading. Looking forward to your feedback, comments... hell, even just a happy face would be nice. =)

**Chapter 15**

"Well, there was one time North and I were turned into children."

Jim propped himself up on his elbows from where he lay on the grass and stared at Anna in surprise. She gave him a small, secretive grin and dipped her hand in the water from the edge of the float she lay on. Her long legs were bare under the bright simulated sun and Jim could see drops of water that clung to her skin. Her cheeks were still slightly pink from an hour or so of swimming in the lake and her damp hair hung in thick, ropy waves on her shoulders.

She was the picture of contentment.

"You were on Possarius?" Jim said. "During the Memory festival?"

Anna nodded and played with the water.

"It was awhile ago. North and I had a short mission planetside. We were supposed to take off afterwards but we were delayed, just in time for the festival. The Possarians just wouldn't take no for answer. They made us participate in the ritual but instead of bringing just our minds back to childhood, our entire bodies were transformed. My team arrived after we'd been turned into five year-olds. It was the longest trip back to Earth I've ever experienced."

"So mentally you were still..."

Anna shook her head, looking thoughtful.

"No, not really," she said. "I mean, on some level I remembered who I was at the present moment but for the most part, my thoughts and my feelings were... the same thoughts I had as a five year-old, I guess. It was odd, to say the least. I was torn between wanting to draft my debriefing notes and consulting with Ven and playing hide and seek with North."

Jim grinned and sat up, moving closer to the lake's edge. He stretched out his legs before submerging them into water. He tilted his head up, wanting to feel sunshine on his face.

"Five, huh?" he said. "I bet you were adorable at five. All big gray eyes and missing teeth."

Anna tried to glare at him but then laughed, unable to even pretend to be angry.

"I shouldn't tell you this but holovids and pictures do exist," she said. "During the shuttle back, Paloma tied my hair in pigtails before capturing evidence. Every now and then, I'll find that my PADDS all have the same locked screens and I have to threaten her with insubordination to change them back. And apparently, I liked sucking my thumb."

"No shit!" Jim said laughing. "I'm going to have to get on her good side when I meet her."

Anna groaned, but her smile lingered.

"How long did it last?" Jim asked.

"Only a few days. Our bodies eventually flushed out the Possarian ritual herb," she said. She paused. "Am I going to be sorry that I shared that with you?"

Jim winked. "Yeah, probably," he said.

Anna leaned back and closed her eyes with a smile lingering on her lips. Jim hadn't seen her so relaxed and he was happy, truly happy, knowing that something he had done had brought her to this point.

"Hmmm, so now it's your turn," she said. "Most embarrassing moment during a mission."

Jim was quiet for a moment, content just to watch her and to listen to the birds singing and the wind moving through the trees. He could almost believe they were back in Iowa, in the summertime, spending a lazy, warm afternoon at the lake. The holodeck, for all its faults, had provided a nearly perfect replication of his favorite childhood memory. Every August since they moved to Riverside, the Demerins would trek out to the newly created Mercer Stretch National Park and stay in a rustic-style cabin for a couple of weeks. Theodore Demerin, Anna's father, had been part of the Eco-Reclamation movement and during their summer vacation, he took note of the animal and plant life to make sure that the flora/fauna society had a current census. To Anna and Jim though, it was just a fun break before school. The Demerins always took Jim with them and he and Anna would pass the days swimming, eating, going on hikes with Mr. Demerin and whatever else suited their fancy.

It was during those times that Jim could pretend he was truly part of a family. Away from the gossiping townies and his stepfather, spending an unbroken chain of days with his bestfriend and her quirky, close-knit family soothed him in ways he couldn't express in words.

Jim was betting on the fact that Anna loved their summer trips as much as he had. The unabashed delight on her face when she walked into the holodeck was proof enough that he had made the right decision. He had brought swimming attire for the both of them- a plain one piece for her, and trunks for himself, towels and an extra set of clothes. Anna had nearly torn her suit from his hands, running behind a tree to change in her eagerness to jump into the lake.

Swimming, after all, was fairly low impact but it would get her moving. He was careful to mind Bones though and made sure that Anna more or less _played_ rather than exerted any real effort.

For her part, Anna was happy to simply splash around in the warm water with Jim like they had done so many years ago as children. Now she lay on an inflatable mattress, the old self-heating kind that the Demerins once had, while Jim stretched out on the lake's edge. He was shirtless, wearing only his damp trunks and though he knew he was in shape (why bother false modesty, after all?) he felt a bit _too_ exposed out of the water. In contrast, Anna seemed indifferent to her own state and Jim felt torn between wanting to throw a towel over her and, well, staring.

_She is so _not_ allowed to walk out of here like that._

She just had so much... skin.

"Jim?"

He blinked and realized that she was looking back at him expectantly.

"Sorry," he said. "Just thinking."

"You'd better make it a fair trade," she teased. Jim thought he did an admirable job of not flinching at her words. She had used a similar phrasing with the General during their conversation earlier. It brought him unwillingly back to reality.

"Okay, most embarrassing mission," he said. "Probably had to be the time when I threw up all over the High Priestess of Sohn'th'l during our welcome feast. I was there for a simple meet and greet, nothing fancy, but they threw this elaborate dinner to welcome us as representatives of the Federation. I took a couple of bites of whatever it was, some soup or something, and a few minutes later I had a rather violent reaction."

Anna laughed with her palm pressed against her forehead.

"Oh Jim, your allergy! Their main food source is a shrimp-like creature," she said and Jim nodded, feeling his cheeks burn. "They use it in everything, _every dish_. Even their alcohol is..."

"Trust me, I found that out very quickly," he said. "I broke out in a rash within minutes after the, um, incident. Thank God Bones was there with his trusty arsenal of hyposprays. Still took me two days to recover and believe me, their sleeping structures were not made for human bodies. By the time we left, I was on enough muscle relaxants to take down a horse."

"That's odd. I thought their hammocks were comfortable enough when I was there. Guess it just didn't suit you."

"What hammocks?" he said, bemused. "I had to sleep on that stone platform with the indentations."

Anna blinked, looking confused. "The Sohns like sleeping in high places, close to their air gods. They sleep on hammocks, or _kythens_, because they believe being suspended in air is the safest place to be."

"Wait," he said. "I didn't see any hammocks in my room."

"You didn't see a white piece of fabric held up by three notched sticks?"

Jim felt his mouth drop. "I thought that was the canopy for their... stone... beds..." he said.

He trailed off thoughtfully and Anna stared at him for a beat longer before laughing again.

"Jim, you were sleeping underneath your bed! That stone platform leads up to the _kythen._"

"That can't be right," he said. "I mean, there weren't any steps... the platform had indentations."

"Yeah, because it's an altar_,_" Anna said. "They pray before they sleep. Those indentations are for their knees to rest on. They climb to the _kythens_ using the notches on the sticks. Easy for their long, long fingers and toes. Makes it easy for humans to climb too."

She sat up and tilted her head to the side, looking at him with so much fondness that his heart ached. It had been a long time since someone he knew, someone who had known him well, looked at him in that way. Without mocking or secret disdain, pity or awe. Just affection.

"Poor Jimmy," she said again. "Didn't your Cultural Officer write this up for you before you beamed down? Their food source is pretty well-known, the Sohns are essentially fishermen. Same goes for their resting habits."

"No, and I read everything I can before I go planetside for a mission," he said. He made a face. "Believe me, I will have words with him soon."

"You and your allergies," Anna said, shaking her head. "Guess you never did grow out of them."

"Nope. I just keep adding to the list as I get older," Jim said cheerfully. "Bones said he's writing a lengthy case study on me but I'm called Patient X. Which is so not on! I think I should at least have my full name in there, right?"

"Does it ever hurt your back to carry around such a huge ego?" Anna asked seriously and Jim laughed. He kicked water at her with his feet and she splashed water back at him.

He glanced up at the sun in the sky and estimated they had about an hour or two before sunset. He had set the simulation to match that of a late afternoon day on Earth and it seemed that it was nearing nightfall.

"Hey, I'm getting hungry," he said, wiping his face with a towel. "Why don't I grab our food and come back? We'll have dinner in the great outdoors. What do you think?"

In response, Anna leaned forward, diving into the water in one smooth, graceful move. She splashed him with more water before making her way back towards him.

"Sounds good," she said, squeezing excess water from her hair as she sat down beside him. "I'm starving."

Hearing her admit that she was hungry made him smile and he grabbed another towel and draped it over her shoulders. She shivered underneath it and he rubbed her arms, helping her to warm up.

"Swimming always made you work up an appetite," he said and she made a noise of agreement. "It'll just take me a few minutes and you'll have time to change into something warmer. Or just raise the temperature, it's up to you."

Anna looked over at him and he stilled. She seemed to be studying him with an odd sort of intensity, her gray eyes sharp and suddenly bright. Jim looked back at her calmly, letting her take what she needed to from him but not asking for anything in return. Jim knew that this had been the cornerstone of their friendship; they could give and take freely from one another without fear or hesitation.

_Can I have you back? Is that possible? _Jim thought.

"Thank you," she said finally. "This meant a lot. All of this. Thank you."

Jim leaned forward and pressed his lips against her cheek in a chaste kiss. He felt her stiffen slightly and for a second, Jim was struck with the irony of it all. It was Anna who had first shown him the joys of touch; she was the one who had trained him to reach out for a hug, or for a simple pat on the shoulder or the squeeze of a hand. It seemed that he had to re-teach her the same lesson now.

"You're welcome."

###

McCoy spotted the blonde-haired man the moment he walked into Ten-Forward and groaned inside. It seemed that no matter where he went, McCoy would not be rid of the Federation Intelligence. Not that he minded them so much but he would have preferred to not have to think about them during his off time. On a personal level, they were too complicated, too slippery, for McCoy to have any pleasure in unraveling their mysteries when he was off the clock.

_And he's sitting in my seat, dammit!_

McCoy debated sitting somewhere else for a moment before making his way down to his usual spot at the bar. Trig's hair was so light that even in the dim light it shone like a halo and McCoy could see other patrons, mostly female but a few males and non-gens, taking surreptitious glances at the FI officer. For his part, Trig seemed oblivious to the attention. He sat alone, staring down at the bronze liquid in the glass before him.

He didn't look up when McCoy sat next to him.

"What's your vice tonight, Doctor?" the bartender asked him with a smile. His dark, deep-set eyes slowly changed colors, purple to blue, as he stood waiting. McCoy glanced at Trig and frowned.

"Just the usual," McCoy said. The bartender's movements were quick and smooth as he prepared McCoy's poison of choice- bourbon with one ice cube only, into a glass and set it before him. "And uh, another one for this guy over here. Whatever he's having."

At that, Trig looked up at McCoy with what seemed to be amusement. The bartender's smile grew wider, displaying sharp, pointed teeth.

"What?" McCoy asked roughly. It was as if the other two men shared an inside joke and he didn't much like it.

"I think I might have to cut off your friend here," the bartender said. "That's his second drink this evening."

McCoy glanced at Trig's drink and thought about it for a moment. Something straight up, he thought, but he couldn't detect a strong smell which was a good sign. The man was tall and though slender, was clearly a solid force to be reckoned with. He had fewer internal issues than Anna and McCoy didn't doubt that Trig could hold his drink. With his fast metabolism, alcohol shouldn't have been a problem for him at all.

"I think he'll be okay," McCoy said, raising an eyebrow. "One more can't hurt."

Trig smiled as the bartender set another glass in front of him and to McCoy's surprise, he drank the contents of his current drink in only a few gulps, throwing back his head as he did so.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down man!" McCoy said, nearly standing up again, but Trig placed the empty glass on the counter and flashed him a grin.

"You really don't know us very well, do you?" Trig said. He held up the full glass and brought it up to one of the few light sources in the room behind the counter. "Funny. I pegged you as a man who ran with his intuition and you've had enough time to spend with Anna to get a sense for us."

"What in the hell are you talking about?" McCoy asked, reaching out for his own drink.

Trig's face was more open, more _friendly_ than Anna's but McCoy knew that appearances were oftentimes deceiving. Humanoid aliens were only just barely recognizable on the inside, despite having two eyes, one nose, two ears... and so on.

_Same and not the same. _

Anna was the leader but Trig was her first officer. If they had a relationship similar to Jim and Spock's own then Trig was a dangerous man. McCoy wouldn't kid himself- the other man was an FI officer whose CO was ill and with a Starfleet Captain at that moment. Despite his easy-going demeanor, McCoy didn't think Trig was a man to cross.

"This is apple juice, Doctor McCoy," Trig said, pushing the glass towards McCoy. "What can I say? I have a sweet tooth. You really think I'd get hammered on a Starfleet vessel? Alone?"

McCoy raised an eyebrow and took a sip of his drink.

"Can you even get hammered?" he asked.

Trig beamed at him. He suddenly seemed like a very young boy and McCoy could almost imagine the child he had been. It made him wonder about who Anna and Trig might have been become, if the FI hadn't stepped in.

"Now that's the right question," Trig said. He took a small drink of his juice. "And yes, I can get drunk but it will take a lot more than a few drinks to do that. A lot more."

"Is that a natural side affect of..."

"You ask the right questions, but unfortunately the answers aren't mine to give," Trig said. There was no edge in his tone; it was just a simple fact to be stated. "Besides, don't you have enough information on the both of us?"

Trig held up his other hand, showing McCoy the biomonitor around his wrist. McCoy snorted and took another swig.

"Not nearly enough, no," he said. "That just tells me you're alive and not in pain. Doesn't tell me why there's shit in your brains that's different colors or what it does to you."

Trig lifted his apple juice and tilted it McCoy's way in a half-hearted toast. "Touché."

"Anyway, what are you doing here?" McCoy asked. "I heard Scotty's got you doing his dirty work for him now."

"It's noble work, Doc and don't you forget it," Trig said, his smile becoming a bit serious. "The Lieutenant Commander is a brilliant man and he keeps this fine ship running smoothly. It's no wonder he likes to stay in Engineering. As much as I love working with him though, I'll admit to needing a change of scenery."

McCoy narrowed his eyes and looked at Trig, _really _looked at him. Though he didn't doubt Trig was telling the truth, there was more he wasn't saying.

_The kid's tired, just like she is. They're slowing down like toys running out of batteries. _

Trig's handsome features were drawn and so pale he seemed nearly gray. Beyond that, his pale blue eyes were downcast. McCoy wasn't sure if he was physically tired, emotionally tired or both.

"You finish that drink and you're going back to your quarters, understood?" McCoy said. Trig looked at him in surprise and smiled.

"Actually, Mr. Scott said that I could..."

"Frankly I don't give a shit what Mr. Scott told you to do. You're not up for any more physical exertion and this is the second time today I've had to tell someone to ease up. I swear, between you and Anna..."

"Don't worry, Doc. Straight to my quarters it is. She told me you were a mother hen," Trig said easily. He took a long sip of his juice and shrugged. "But she also said that I'm to follow your orders."

"She did?" McCoy said, surprised.

"She's highly respectful of doctors," Trig said. "Well, we all are, I guess. Our team doc put the fear of God in us and we don't exactly scare easily."

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? Can't wait to meet the guy, if that's the case. We could share scare tactics."

Trig laughed.

"I'm sure he'd like that," Trig said. "Ven's always looking for new ways to keep us in line. Especially Anna. She's the hardest for him to handle. She's always pushing him to do more for her, bend the rules, you know? But I don't think he can help himself. He's been..."

Trig shut his mouth with such force that McCoy could almost imagine a door closing inside the man's head. It was clear that Trig hadn't meant to let that last part slip and it was also clear the man was probably exhausted to the point of weakening his mental defenses.

_He hides it well though,_ McCoy thought.

Trig looked down at his juice again and McCoy decided to change the subject.

"Ven?" McCoy asked. "Your team doctor's name is Ven?"

"Short for Venom," Trig said, looking up again. His smile returned but it was dimmed slightly, more cautious.

"I don't think I want to know," McCoy muttered. He lifted his glass to his lips again. "Speaking of Anna, she mentioned that..."

"I've seen the way your Captain looks at her and I know they have a history together," Trig said lightly. "But you do realize that if he hurts her in any way, I'll have to hurt him back."

McCoy almost choked on his drink and Trig had to hit him on the back before he could respond.

"What?!" McCoy said when he could get his breath back. He was taken aback by the threat and by the ease in which it was delivered. Trig could have been talking about the weather; there was no hesitation, no stress in his voice at all. "Jesus, man, what the fuck-"

"Mr. Scott told me about Captain Kirk and his inability to keep his parts to himself," Trig said calmly, taking another sip of his juice. His expression was friendly enough but McCoy could see the edge there. "We're trained to be subtle. Just thought you should know."

McCoy felt a wave of fear and rage rise inside of him and he glared at Trig.

"You're absolute shit at being covert, aren't you?" McCoy said. "You're threatening the Captain of this ship to his goddamn CMO- you don't think I'd do something with that? You even think about laying one finger on Jim, you goddamn albino, and I'll-"

Trig looked at him, unruffled. "Can't be much worse than what you'd probably want to do to her if she hurts him, right? The only difference being, she's got no one else but me right now. And _Jim_ has an entire ship of people."

That brought McCoy up short. It hadn't been an idle threat but he took a mental step back. In his own sick way, Trig was protecting Anna, much like an older brother would. McCoy's old fashion Southern sensibilities _almost_ approved of it but his loyalty to Jim made him want to take a swing at the other man.

"I think she can handle herself," McCoy said, narrowing his eyes. "They're both adults."

"Yes," Trig said. "But she's been through a lot recently. If he takes advantage of that..."

McCoy rubbed his eyes tiredly.

_I can't believe I'm having _this_ conversation with _this_ man about _Jim_._

"He won't," McCoy said finally. "I'm more worried about him than I am about her and believe me, I never thought I'd say that. And so what if you've seen the way he's looked at her? Because I've seen the way she _doesn't_ look at him. Catch my drift?"

"You're just not looking hard enough," Trig said and McCoy stared at him.

"No?" McCoy said. "Well tell me something, Trig. Why are you so concerned about who's looking at who?"

Trig seemed genuinely surprised at the question. "She's my friend. I have every right to be concerned, especially after hearing about how the Captain is with women. I want her to be happy and if he's anything like what Mr. Scott said, she doesn't deserve that kind of-"

"Hold on now. Jim's chased a few skirts in his day, I can admit that, but Scotty's way out of line. Jim's not a kid anymore and he's a damn fine Captain. If you're worried about Anna's virtue, then-"

This made Trig laugh.

"You think I'm a jealous lover or something, don't you? Give me some credit, Doctor McCoy. If we were together, I would have made it clear the first time I saw them in the same room together. No, I just don't want her to get hurt."

Trig took a sip of his juice but McCoy could hear the unspoken "_again" _at the end of his sentence. When he set his glass down, it was empty. Trig shrugged and stood up, giving the bartender a nod goodbye. McCoy noticed a few of the more hopeful faces frown when he did so.

"I'm off to my quarters, Doc," Trig said, clapping McCoy on his shoulder. "You can't say I didn't follow orders, right?"

"Remember what I said." McCoy pointed his finger at the other man. "Anything happens to Jim and I'm coming after you with something incurable, disfiguring and painful."

Trig held up his hands and widened his eyes, in a faux innocent expression.

"Understood, as long as you remember what I said," he said, lowering his hands. He paused for a moment, hesitating, and then shrugged. "Besides, I'm not the one the Captain has to worry about."

"What do you mean?" McCoy asked, frowning. "Who-"

Trig shook his head and smiled. It seemed to McCoy that there was something a bit sad and wistful about the expression.

"Smart, beautiful girls in the FI are a dime a dozen, Doctor," Trig said. "Not that I'd ever complain about that but it's no surprise- we tend to recruit people with above average _everything_. You never know when a pretty face will give you an edge- it's just another tool, right? But Anna's something else, don't you think? Can't exactly go through life like that and not catch someone's eye."

Before McCoy could press him further, Trig turned around and walked away.

###

"What do you see when you look up there?"

Jim looked at Anna who lay beside him on the blanket. They had finished dinner just as the sun made its way down past the horizon and were now lying on their backs, staring up at the night sky. Several lanterns surrounded them on the ground and in the trees, and the light from the moon reflected on the surface of the dark lake. Jim rested on his arms, with his hands behind his head and Anna lay with a rolled up towel underneath her neck.

They had changed into warmer clothing though the air in the holodeck remained on the balmy side of comfortable. The song of crickets filled the air and every now and then, Jim could hear a frog croak. He felt sleepy and full and at peace with the world.

On the edge of his consciousness was the knowledge that everything around them was just an illusion and would soon come to an end. The threat of a biological weapon loomed over the UFP and the Federation Intelligence lay crouched in the shadows, like a predator waiting to attack. In the middle of it all was Jim and the Enterprise.

_And Anna._

But that was all background noise to him. At that moment, nothing else existed nor mattered.

"Stars."

Jim snorted. "You really are a genius, aren't you?" he said. "You know what I mean."

Anna laughed and poked him in the side. Jim grinned and arched away.

"What? I see stars," she said, settling back down. "What do you want me to say?"

Jim shifted over to his side and held himself up on one arm. Anna turned her head to look at him and her eyes seemed to reflect the lights around them.

"What happened to all the great adventures you were going to have, zipping around in space?"

"Oh, you mean on my magical flying unicorn with purple wings?" Anna said. Jim laughed. "Come on, I was a kid. I was making stuff up. The stars were just something nice to look at on a clear night."

"But you loved them."

"Yes."

"Still?"

"Sure. They're beautiful from a distance. I enjoy looking at them," Anna said. "What do you see?"

Jim glanced back at the sky. "My life, I guess," he said. "Written out there in every place I visit. Every new place is a chapter, everyone I meet is a character. It's just that I'm discovering it for myself as I go along."

He rolled back and placed his hands on his stomach.

"It _feels_ right. Me being up here. I used to hate the black, remember? Hated what it represented, what it took from me. I gave it that power though. The truth is it doesn't care about me, or you, or anyone else. It's just space- this awesome, grand, indifferent thing. But I get to travel through it and I get to explore places that no one's ever seen before. There's so much out there I haven't done yet, chapters of my life that I haven't discovered yet... It's enough. It's more than enough."

"You sound like a man in love."

Jim grinned, turning his head to face her again.

"Guess I am," he said. "So you didn't answer my question. What do you see when you look up there?"

"Too much," Anna said, after a short pause. "They're still pretty though. I just don't have a lot of time these days to simply look up."

"Whoa, that's not fair, Anna," Jim said. "I wax poetic about the stars and you tell me they're _pretty_?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to write a sonnet, Jim?"

"Anna."

"Fine," Anna said, with a sigh. "If I really had to think about it? I see more places where petty dramas can be played out. That's pretty much it. At the end of the day, all conscious beings are driven by the same impulses no matter how enlightened they think they are. Greed, lust, fear, vanity. You name it, it's out there on a cosmic scale. So I'd rather not think too deeply about the night sky and just take it for what it is- a nice view."

Jim sat up and looked down at her, frowning. She met his gaze evenly.

"You wanted the truth," she said. "You were always meant to be up here, doing great things, having a grand adventure. You fought it so hard but in the end, you went up anyway. It called to you and now here you are."

"And yourself?"

She propped herself up on her elbows and tilted her head to the side. "It's not my place," she said. "It's not home to me like it is for you. I don't really mind it too much but I'd rather be Earthside looking up than up here looking down."

"Must get lonely," Jim said softly. "Traveling through space but not really wanting to be here. Being displaced like that."

"It's not so bad," she said. "It's not as melodramatic as you make it sound, anyway."

"But still lonely."

"Fine, Jim. You want me to admit it? It can get lonely. But I have my team. As long as I have them with me, as long as I have a mission to focus on, I don't think about it too much."

A melancholy mood seemed to fall over her and she sat up and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. Jim didn't need a degree in psychology to see that she was physically protecting herself from their conversation. Her small, pale hands were clenched into fists though her face remained calm.

He allowed her space, sitting a foot or two away from her.

"You ever think about doing something else?" he asked, his voice still gentle but probing. "Maybe just going in another direction, something that will give you a little more stability. It's not too late, Anna. I can help... help you figure things out. All you have to do is ask."

She was silent, giving nothing away as she stared at the water.

"Are you happy?" Jim asked. "Or are you only doing what you do because-"

"There's nothing else I want to do," she said stiffly. She sounded defensive and Jim could see her physically withdrawing from him again, lowering her head so that her body formed a small, tight ball.

"Alright," Jim said.

He was quiet for a moment as they both watched the moonlit water.

"So, brunettes, huh?" Jim said after a long pause, feigning a lightness he did not feel.

Anna raised her head to look at him with a confused expression on her face and she uncurled slightly.

"What?"

"In the lab earlier today," Jim went on. "You mentioned preferring brunettes."

"I wasn't serious," Anna said, shrugging. She crossed her legs in front of her and Jim breathed an internal sigh of relief. "Not really."

"Not really? Come on, Anna. What's your type? Tall, dark and handsome? Sounds like my CMO, if you ask me."

She snorted and rolled her eyes.

"You've got to be kidding me," she said. "Jim, are you seriously accusing me of having a crush on Doctor McCoy? Get real."

"What?" Jim said, leaning over to hit her lightly on the arm. She smiled slightly and swatted at him. "Oh, come on. He's not a bad looking guy. Had enough run-ins with alien princesses trying to steal him away to know that much."

Anna laughed and shook her head, looking over at him. The air between them lightened and Jim leaned in closer to her.

"He's not bad looking at all," she said. "Quite the contrary, in fact. But I think the good Doctor is still licking his wounds from his last relationship."

Jim looked at her in surprise.

"He told you about his divorce?"

Anna looked at him oddly before shaking her head again.

"No, but thanks for the confirmation," she said. She looked down and pulled at random blades of grass. "He didn't tell me anything of the sort. I can just tell. He's still _damaged_, for lack of a better word. Whoever he was with must have done a number on him."

"I'm sure Bones will be ecstatic to know he's that transparent," Jim said. He leaned closer to her so that their sides were pressed together. "But really. How could you tell?"

"He's not transparent," Anna said quietly. "I guess it just takes one to know one."

Jim licked his lips and swallowed, feeling his heart stutter and his stomach churn. He had started this conversation and he would see it through. He just couldn't imagine Anna involved with anyone, despite the petty jealousy he felt towards Trig (and deep down inside he could admit he felt a little jealous of Bones, just a little). He knew it was hypocritical of him to wish that she wouldn't think of anyone else until she came back into his life but it burned to hear her even refer to someone else.

It _hurt_.

"Who was he?" Jim asked. His voice sounded hoarse.

She tensed slightly; he could feel her stiffen next to him and then she let out a sharp laugh.

"A mistake," she said, sounding bitter and tired and sad all at once. "We're prone to them, right?"

"Sure," Jim said. "I've made my share of mistakes. Although you know what they say: better to have loved and lost than to-"

"That's not true," Anna said. She stared out into the distance. "If I could do it all again, I'd walk away at the onset. It would have saved me a lot of grief in the long run."

"That bad, huh?"

"Worse."

"How long ago was this?"

"Not long enough," Anna said. "Then again, I don't think it'll ever be long enough."

She sagged against him and something seemed to twist inside of him when he looked at her face again. She looked miserable. It might have been the way the shadows hit her face but her eyes seemed to have a sheen to them that could have been... but no, Anna was not the type to weep over a broken heart.

_No, she'd just carry it around with her and not let it go._

He lifted his arm, put it around her shoulders and pulled her against him. It was a testament to her state of mind that she let him draw her close, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Tell me his name and coordinates and I'll beat the shit out of him, Anna," Jim said and she laughed, sounding a bit lighter than before.

"Always my hero," she said. Her hair was still slightly damp and he could feel his shirt getting wet. He didn't care. "You know, I wish it was that easy. I could sic you on him and I think it might actually make me feel better."

Jim laughed and kissed the top of her head.

"Just say the word, sweetheart, and it's done," he said.

"I have to take care of my own messes though," she said. "Anyway, what about you? Doctor McCoy said you were quite promiscuous back in the day."

Jim chuckled. "Right. I'm pretty sure that's not the word he used but yeah, I ran around a bit. Quite a bit actually. Can't say I'm proud of it all but I'm not ashamed of it either."

"So, did you ever take any of them seriously? Have you ever had your..." Anna trailed off, making a vague gesture with her hand.

"What? My heart broken?" Jim said. He was surprised at how calm he sounded. "Sure. Just once. It was pretty bad."

"Well, it only takes that once," Anna said. "How'd you get over it?"

Jim licked his lips again.

"You know, funny thing about that," he said. "I don't think I ever did."

Anna looked at him in silence for a long time and then nodded.

"Some people think that pain like that serves to remind you that you're alive," Anna said, sounding pensive. "Like it's a good thing that you can _feel. _As if some sort of emotional contrast is supposed to be a reminder that your heart is still beating and that your brain still functions. But the truth is that the pain means you were once loved but now you're not. You let someone get close to you and in the end they decided that you weren't enough. Or maybe they were after something else and just used you as a means to an end. There's no reminder of life in that loss, no deep lesson to be learned. In the end, you're just left behind knowing that you were inferior in someway."

_Like I was. Like you left me behind._

But she wasn't talking about him, she was talking about herself. There was no victory in the knowledge that she had been hurt just as she had hurt him. In fact, Jim would have done anything in his power to spare her from that. But she just seemed so absolutely ignorant of the damage she had caused when she left, it was almost baffling. It might have been worse this way, he thought, because she didn't know how badly she had hurt him, that she was still breaking his heart. Either that or she thought that what she had done didn't matter.

He couldn't let her go on without letting her know. He couldn't let the wound he'd been carrying, the one she'd inflicted, continue to fester.

_You can take care of your messes, Anna. I believe that. But you need to see exactly what you did first._

_And then we can move on. _

It was impulsive and risky, but Jim couldn't take the chance that there would be things left unsaid between them. He was afraid of her reaction and he would have waited if they had more time, but they didn't.

He took a deep breath and steeled himself for what he was going to say next.

"So, was I inferior?" Jim asked quietly. "Was I not enough?"

Anna pulled away from him a little, eyes wide with surprise, and he held her gaze steadily.

"I need you to tell me because I've spent years wondering why you left me the way you did. I spent years wondering why even you left me at all."

"Jim, now isn't a good-"

"You were all I had," he said, ignoring her efforts to try and turn the conversation away. "I didn't know what to do with myself after you were gone. I was sick with fear, with worry, that something bad happened to you because I _knew_ you loved me. I _knew_ you cared about me. I just couldn't believe you would leave me purposely. But then I came to realize that that's exactly what you did."

She moved away from him completely and Jim felt the loss of her warmth keenly but he made no move to pull her back.

"I tried to hate you," he said quietly. "I did everything you didn't want me to do when I realized you left me behind. I guess a part of me hoped you'd see it somehow and come back. I just need to know why."

"What do you want me to say?" Anna said. She looked angry and... yes, Jim could see the fear in her face, even as mouth tightened into a grim line and her eyes narrowed.

"It's not what I want you to say so stop asking me that," he said. "I just want the truth."

In one graceful move, Anna stood up and Jim was quick to get to his feet. Though it didn't seem as if she were going to bolt, he wouldn't have put it past her. He grabbed her arm and held her in place. She was scared, there was no question about it. Jim could understand that fear. There was nothing she could hide behind. No regulations, no drugs, no one else to look to for instructions. Anna was alone and he was forcing her to finally answer for her actions.

_All that training and they never taught her how to think for herself?_

_All that responsibility on her shoulders and she's afraid of this? _

"Why can't you just accept that what happened is done?" Anna said, trying to shake him off but he only held on tighter, though careful not to hurt her. "Jim, you said it yourself- you're happy here. This is where you're meant to be. Do you honestly think that you would have gotten here if I'd been around?"

"I don't know," he said simply, looking down into her face. "Maybe not. But I'm not asking you to tell me what my life could have been. I'm asking you to tell me why you left."

"Why does it matter so much to you?" she snapped. "Do you want me to say I made a mistake? Because I didn't. I joined the Federation Intelligence knowing exactly what I was getting into and I would make the same choice if I had to do it again."

"And hurt me again, the same way you did before and just sneak away like a coward?"

"That's not... that's not what I meant to do. I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't..." She trailed off.

"But you did," Jim said. "Did you even consider what it would do to me?"

"Yes." Anna swallowed and looked up at him. "Yeah."

"And you went ahead and did it anyway? You knew it would kill me and you left anyway."

"You're exaggerating, Jim. I mean, look at you, you're fine- my leaving clearly didn't kill you. We were so young and... I knew you'd get over it."

She lifted her chin and stood up straight, pulling her shoulders back in an imitation of defiance but she looked to the side nervously, as if she was preparing to leave, looking for ways to escape. Jim put his hand on her cheek, gently pushing her focus back on him.

"Is that what you tell yourself now? That I eventually got over it, does that make it okay? Because from where I'm standing, it sounds like an excuse and not a reason," Jim said. "All I want to know is why. I spent years wondering why, what I did, and good or bad, I think I deserve at least that."

"Jim, I just..." Anna said. She took a deep breath and shook her head. "I just..."

She raised her hands and put her palms against him, looking up at him with an open expression. He ran his thumb across her smooth cheek, telling her in a touch that she could go on, that he was listening and that everything would be okay if she just talked to him. Jim could feel her cold hands through his shirt and he was sure she could feel the sudden acceleration of his heart, the resulting warmth that it caused...

...but then she pushed him away.

There wasn't much force in the action but he stepped back anyway, dropping his arms to his side. Disappointment weighed heavily on his chest, making it hard to take anything more than a shallow breath.

"I don't have any answers for you," she said. "None that you'll understand anyway. I was young and I was selfish. Anything I say would just be a disappointment, Jim. If it makes it easier for you then hate me, I deserve that. I don't even know why you..."

"Why I what?" he asked. His voice sounded far away, even to him. Distant. As if it were separate from him.

"Why you care so much," she said. She took a step away from him and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering.

"I'm beginning to wonder that myself, honestly," Jim said bitterly. In the back of his mind, he worried that she was cold again even as he felt the first painful bolt of _angersadnessloss_ run through him.

Anna nodded, as if she had expected his response. She called out to the computer for the door and it appeared a few meters behind her. With one last look at Jim, Anna turned around and made her way towards the exit.

"Leaving me behind again, Anna?" Jim called out. "Guess I should have expected it, right? Seems to be a pattern with you."

He felt both shame and joy when her shoulders drooped but she didn't stop. She continued walking away from him, through the doors- and then she was gone.

"Computer, end program," Jim called out.

The world around him faded and then disappeared.

Jim stood alone in the dark room.

###


	19. Chapter 16

**AN:** Do not own Star Trek. Only things that are mine are the original characters, Anna and the FI.

Note- there's a Little Prince reference in here. It's quite obvious... since it's in French =) Happy reading and thanks for reviewing.

**Chapter 16**

Jim walked through the doors of Anna's quarters with a hypospray in his hand. He didn't want to see or talk to her again so soon after their disastrous dinner. In fact, he had buried himself in reading and signing off on that day's logs and answering communications for the past hour and a half in an effort to push that night's events out of his mind. Over the years, he had gotten better at distancing himself from his emotions, especially the ones that caused him to run headfirst into uncertain situations but he couldn't quite shake off the bitterness he felt at Anna.

Still, when Bones had comm'ed him to tell him that he was headed for Anna's quarters, Jim wasn't about to shake off his concern.

Bones noticed some abnormal neural activity on his scanners, though there had been no indications of a seizure, which would have been typical. He'd been tipped off by the biomonitor and was walking over to her quarters to give her a shot of medication. She must have been in no small amount of pain, but she hadn't reached out for help and he wasn't sure if it was because she was consciously being quiet or because she wasn't conscious at all.

"I'll do it. If you don't hear from me within five minutes, then she's fine," Jim had told him.

And that was that.

Now he stood in her darkened anteroom, as the door behind him slid shut and it took his eyes a moment to adjust.

"If you'd given me another hour I would have come to see you, Jim."

She sat in a chair at the window, with her back to him. All he could see was her silhouette but even from a distance, he could see how tense and carefully she held herself. Her voice sounded faint, but clear and that was one less thing he had to worry about. She could at least speak.

Jim took a deep breath and walked towards her.

"Is that a fact?" Jim said. "How'd you know it was me and not Bones? Or Trig?"

He stood over her but she didn't look away from the view. She sat as she did in the holodeck, with her legs pulled up against her chest and her arms wrapped around them in a tight embrace. But the similarity in pose ended there- she looked as if she were bracing herself against something, not protecting herself.

"Doctor McCoy would have started cursing instantly," Anna said. "And Trig would have announced himself."

Her face was tight and pinched and her lips looked almost white. Jim tightened his grip on the hypospray. Bones said she had probably had a headache for hours and that it had slowly increased- her neural activity had to be fairly intense for it to register on the biomonitor. He had cursed himself and reset both Trig and Anna's monitors to a higher level of sensitivity but Jim knew it wasn't his fault.

Anna should have said something sooner.

Jim leaned against the window, turning his back on the view and stared at her.

"So," he said in a conversational tone. "On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how much pain are you in?"

Anna swallowed.

"Let's say ten plus one," she said. She smiled weakly but remained still. "At least bad enough for Doctor McCoy to send you here."

"Were you in pain during dinner?"

"It was manageable then."

Jim clenched his jaw. _She had seemed so calm and relaxed..._ He nodded and held out the hypospray.

"This has a sedative, various painkillers and triptans in it. If you want something stronger, I'll walk you to sickbay," Jim said.

Anna blinked slowly and then looked at the hypo in his hand without moving her head. Jim felt his irritation and concern grow. She had willingly allowed herself to suffer because... why? She was too proud to ask for help? She didn't want Bones to fuss over her again? She was playing some bullshit macho Federation Intelligence act- 'pain is good' kind of thing?

Jim didn't know and he didn't care. He was just too fucking tired of her antics to put up with anymore that night.

"I don't need to go to sickbay," she said.

"Okay, then tilt your head to the side," Jim said. "I'll do it."

"No," Anna said. "It's fine."

She held out her hand and Jim noticed that the biomonitor was flashing yellow. He wondered how long it had been like this on and if he had missed it.

"I can do it. It's just a bad migraine. I'm assuming the dosage settings are-"

"Anna, move your fucking head to the side and let me just help you, goddamnit!" Jim said, exasperated. "Won't you at least let me do that much?"

She winced and closed her eyes briefly at his raised voice and Jim felt like an ass.

_So much for staying in control._

"Sorry," he muttered. "I'm sorry. It's just... your hand is shaking. It's not safe."

Anna looked at him for a moment, then lowered her hand and tilted her head to the side, moving slowly and carefully. Jim leaned forward and gently pressed the tip of the spray on her flesh, making sure that it was in the correct location. He had been on the other end enough times to know what to do and all senior officers had been trained in basic first aid. This was easy.

Except it wasn't.

Everything having to do with Anna was turning out more difficult by degrees.

Jim pressed down harder and he felt the hypospray release. He watched her face carefully, looking for any signs that he had hurt her but nothing registered. He lowered his arm and took a step back. Anna closed her eyes and exhaled slowly and the tight lines of her body loosened. She seemed to slump down in her chair as the pain faded away.

"Bones said that the sedative would knock out a normal human being within half an hour," Jim said, putting the hypo in his pocket. "He thinks you'll be out in an hour or so but that you'll probably be disoriented for a bit."

Anna nodded, still not meeting his eyes.

"You know, we're not completely incompetent, Anna," Jim said. "We may not have the same technology as the Federation Intelligence but give us a little credit. If you're hurt, believe it or not, we can actually help you."

"I know," Anna said.

"How long were you going to sit here like this?"

"I didn't lie," she said. Her voice was almost a whisper. "I would have come to find you."

Jim leaned back and rubbed his face with one hand. He stood still, staring out at nothing in particular and for a minute, his mind was quiet. The usual background thoughts he had- random equations, navigational problems Sulu wanted him to go over, languages he practiced in his mind, what he wanted to eat for his next meal, had gone silent. He was overwhelmed and unprepared to go another round with Anna; he had no energy left at the moment.

Finally, he turned back to her.

"So what would you have said once you found me?"

"A lot of things, I think," Anna said. She leaned back in her chair to look up into his face.

"You think?"

"I was still working up the courage," she said. "After all I'm a- what did you call me earlier? Oh right. A _coward_."

Jim winced inside but held his ground. "Were you going to try and convince me otherwise?"

Anna shook her head. They looked at each other in silence for a moment and when Jim was convinced she wasn't going to speak anymore, he sighed and stood up straight, smoothing down his undershirt. He gave her a curt nod.

"Right. Well, if that's the case, then I guess I'll be-"

"I was scared."

Jim froze and stared at her.

"That's what I was going to say," she said. "I was scared."

He felt as if the breath had been knocked out of him and he fell back against the window again, just staring at her. He knew what she was referring to- this was the answer he had wanted, the one he had been pushing for, seeking all these years.

And as with most things coveted dearly and suddenly won- it left him feeling empty.

"Scared of what?"

"Everything."

"That's a bit vague, even for you," Jim said sharply. "If you're going to do this, do it right. What were you afraid of?"

"Of you. Of myself, too. Of failing. Of not being enough for you. Of getting stuck in Riverside. All of that and more."

"You were afraid of me," Jim said. "Why? Because I had issues? Because I was holding you back?"

"You needed me but I couldn't help you. We were both so young," she said. "Just so young. I felt as if... I felt like you depended on me."

"I did."

"Yes, well. What could I have done back then? I was just a kid, same as you. I couldn't help you get away from Frank. I couldn't make the other townies stop talking about you, the other kids stop coming after you. I couldn't make your mom or your brother come back. I couldn't show you how much potential you had. All these things I couldn't do, Jimmy. They just added up."

"So you got tired of me."

"No," she said. "I got tired of my failure. Of not being able to do enough. You needed so much more from me than I could give."

Jim laughed bitterly.

"Yeah, I was always really needy, wasn't I? I guess you finally got sick of me _needing _you-"

"I needed you too," Anna said, serious and solemn. "I was always thinking about you, always so worried for you. But between the two of us, you were the braver, stronger one. I was ashamed of that- that you always had to fight for the most basic things and I got them so easily. And yet I failed to give you what you deserved. Everything I had or did just wasn't enough."

Jim sighed.

"I didn't want you to give me those things," he said. "And I sure as hell didn't expect them from you."

"Is that so? You used to look at me with this expression sometimes," Anna said, shaking her head. "Like I could do anything. Like I was something special. But I wasn't. Jimmy, I was just a helpless, stupid girl who-"

"You _were_ something special," Jim said fiercely. "You were _mine. _And maybe it scared you, the way I needed you but Anna, you can't lie and tell me you thought I was better off without you. It was us against the world, remember? You and me."

"When you pit two kids against the world, you always bet on the world," Anna said, with a wry smile.

"You know what I mean," he said.

"Yes, I know," she said. "And that's why I left, Jim. I told you I don't have any answers for you. None that would satisfy you, anyway. Again, I was young and selfish. In the end, I was exactly what you said I was- a coward. I was responsible for you and I left, because I was afraid of what that entailed."

Jim closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall.

"Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé," Jim said, after a short silence. He opened his eyes. "You remember that?"

Anna laughed but it was a sad, almost bitter sound.

"Show off," she said. "I don't know why you bothered learning a dead language back then. Probably just to spite people. But yes, I remember. Something about taking care of the things you tame but what does that have to do with-"

"The full quote is, 'You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed," Jim said. "And it's relevant now."

She looked startled for a moment and then shook her head again. She turned towards the view, staring out into the wide expanse of space.

"I could never tame you," Anna said. "Besides, I thought you hated that story."

"It was too idealistic and cute for my tastes but I didn't hate it," Jim said. "And I couldn't hate you, even if I tried. And I have."

"I disappointed you, didn't I?" she said quietly. "It wasn't the answer you were looking for. But it's the only one I have to give."

Jim thought for a moment.

_Not enough but it was given sincerely. _

_Not what I wanted to hear but it was honest. _

"You told me the truth, Anna," he said finally. "That's all I needed."

He leaned down and touched her hand. He still felt tired but somehow lighter. Something inside had been cleaned out and while it had taken a great deal of effort, it was done and Jim felt as if he could finally rest. The bond between them was back, tentative and still shaky, but it was there. She had bared her throat to him, both literally and figuratively, and it had been enough to prove that she trusted him.

As far as Jim was concerned, the score was even, the slate was clean.

They could move on and get past this now.

"Come on, you should get to bed," Jim said. He smiled. "That sedative should start taking effect any moment now."

"His name is Daniel."

For the second time that night, Jim froze. His mind leapt into activity, making connections against his will. Parts of the puzzle began to fit together though he didn't want them to.

_No, it can't be._

"What?"

"You asked me who he was," Anna said. "In the holodeck. The one I... His name is Daniel."

"He was part of your team," Jim said dully, remembering her words from their first meeting. "The one who's still on J-311."

She nodded.

_He was a traitor. Oh, Anna._

_What the fuck have you done?_

"Are you still... I mean, did you..." Jim trailed off, unable to finish.

He ran his fingers through his hair and drew in a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. Anna didn't know that Jim was aware of Daniel Gaines and what he had done. He thought that she might have suspected but with her confession, he doubted it was true anymore. She was telling him her story, not as an agent, but as a friend. She _trusted _him now. He couldn't use that trust against her.

Anna stood up and walked away from him, crossing her arms over her chest tightly. She started to pace back and forth but kept her head down, as if she couldn't look at Jim.

"I have to go back there and get him. I admit that it's not the most objective of missions..."

"That's an understatement," Jim said. "Why you? I mean, Christ, Anna. Why didn't they send someone else?"

"Because I have the best team," Anna said. "And no one else can do this but us."

"Did Trig know about you and Daniel?" Jim asked. "Did the rest of your team know? General Bishop?"

"Yes, they knew," Anna said. "It wasn't something I wanted to hide anyway. I wasn't ashamed of it. Well, not in the beginning, at least."

Jim mulled this over. Daniel had been her First Officer so their relationship would have been accepted, if the Federation Intelligence was anything like Starfleet major. But what hurt Jim the most was the fact that she had been _used._ Pike didn't have to dig up information for Jim to draw his own conclusions. Anna was clearly not a traitor and Bishop seemed to treat her like a favored officer, at least that much was apparent from their video interactions. So that meant that Daniel had played with Anna while he pretended to be loyal to the FI or he had purposefully used Anna in order to...

What did Anna have that a traitor like Daniel would want?

_Anything and everything. Clearance codes. Classified information. Access to top personnel._

_All wrapped up in a pretty little package._

_Bet he loved that._

"Did you love him?" Jim asked. He had to force the words out. "Were you in love with him? Were you... were you happy?"

"I think so," she said. She sighed heavily. "I was happy. For awhile. And then, I wasn't."

"What happened?" Jim asked.

Anna shrugged.

"I loved him and he left me," Anna said. "He just wasn't who I thought he was, I guess. And then he went ahead and got himself taken so now I have to get him back."

"It's that simple," Jim said, deadpan. Anna snorted and looked away from him.

"Yes, it's that simple, Jim," she said.

She stopped pacing and looked back at him oddly.

"I suppose it's karma though, right?" she said slowly. "That someone I trusted left me. Guess it's the universe's way of paying back the favor."

"Anna..."

"No, it's true," Anna said. "You said it yourself. I _hurt_ you. I was due to get my own back, wasn't I? Except this was almost worse because. I mean, I loved you, Jim and I know you loved me. But I was _in love_ with Daniel. I was in love with him and I was so... I was so stupid. I started making plans for the future. _Me_. I mean, I actually let myself believe that we... and then he was just gone and I... I..."

_You're wrong. _

_It wasn't worse- it was exactly the same, Anna._

Jim almost said something then but the words wouldn't come. They were too many things to deal with at that moment, too many emotions and conflicting thoughts to make any sense from. Adding a confession of long buried, clearly unrequited emotions on top of that was almost laughable.

Her gaze grew unfocused and Jim knew she was drifting away from him, lost in her thoughts. She looked so lost and forlorn; it was an expression she didn't wear well. It made him want to hit someone and his hands itched to break bone and feel skin tear and bleed. No one, _no one_, was allowed to hurt what was his. His crew, his friends, Anna... something wild and possessive and not entirely rational threatened to overwhelm him.

Instead of speaking, Jim moved towards her swiftly, with intent. She stared at him with wide, glassy eyes and he reached for her with both arms, pulling her into a tight embrace. There was no hesitation; she held onto him just as a tightly. He pulled back a little and looked down at her face.

"He didn't deserve you," he said in a low, angry voice. She blinked up at him, confused. "Not after what he was. What he did. He doesn't deserve to even see you again."

"What he was?" Anna repeated.

Jim drew in a cold breath. He had almost given himself away. He wasn't supposed to know about Daniel but he realized that he could still tell her the truth.

"He was the one who broke your heart," Jim said simply.

Anna let out a short, sharp laugh and tucked herself back under his chin.

"It happens all the time, Jim," she said. "Hearts get broken all the time."

Jim closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the top of her head. They stood in a comfortable silence for awhile as Jim slowly ran his hand up and down her back. Her hands clutched his shirt, the fabric wrinkled in her grip. It felt so right, to hold her and to have her hold him back, that it took him a few minutes to realize she wasn't just holding him, but holding _on _to him.

"Anna?"

"Jim. Jimmy. I think, I think..." Anna sounded faint again, though she was right next to him. Her words were slightly slurred. "Jim, I think the sedatives are kicking in."

Jim took a step back and Anna slumped against him, her head heavy against his shoulder. He caught her before her knees gave out underneath her and he shook his head, bemused. He frowned and turned his head away so she couldn't see. Though in her condition, it seemed she was slowly fading away from consciousness anyway.

_Second time you've almost fallen and I've caught you._

"Alright, time for bed, kid," Jim said, amused.

He didn't think she'd be happy if he just picked her up so he half-carried, half-dragged Anna towards the bed in the other room as she leaned against him, already nodding off.

"Feels funny," she mumbled, her eyes fluttering as she fought the urge to sleep. She almost dropped face first onto her bed but Jim pulled her back, holding her up against his side. He'd had enough practice dragging a drunk Bones back to his dorm room back during their Academy days to know how to hold a person upright and it helped that Anna was considerably lighter.

"Haven't been... sushep... susceptible to sedatives... inna long time."

"Uh huh, I bet," Jim said.

He put her on her back in the middle of the bed, with her head on the pillow and she blinked blearily up at him with a dazed expression on her face. Jim stopped for a moment when she looked up at him, oddly sweet and vulnerable, with an exaggerated frown.

"Feels funny," she said. Her voice sounded thick as if she were having trouble forming words. "Don't like."

"I know, sweetheart," Jim said, with a twist of his mouth. He smoothed back her hair and she leaned into his hand a little. "But you'll be fine. Close your eyes, okay? You'll be all set in just a minute, I'll take care of everything."

"Not a child," Anna said. She closed her eyes and leaned back into her pillow with a sigh.

Jim snorted and straightened up, pulling his shirt down. He moved towards the foot of the bed, bending down to pull her boots off. Her socks followed and he dropped them onto the floor in a messy heap. Jim unfolded a blanket next to Anna and shook it out, placing it over her. The room seemed warm enough but going to bed meant that you got to hide underneath a blanket- it was a belief he carried with him from childhood.

"All done, kid," Jim said softly. Anna's eyes fluttered slightly but didn't open. He reached down again and brushed a few stray hairs back from her cheek. "Comm me when you wake up, alright?"

He meant to move away when she lifted her hand, reaching blindly for him. He curled his fingers around hers and she held on to him.

"Doesn't feel safe," she muttered. "Hate being under."

Jim knew what she meant- he hated being sedated, hated the helpless feeling of sinking into the darkness of sleep without a way to fight it. You could only struggle for so long before the world slipped away.

He thought for a moment and nodded to himself, making the decision. He put her hand back on the bed and walked towards the communications unit on the wall.

"Kirk to Spock, please respond."

Jim glanced over his shoulder towards the bed; Anna hadn't moved from where he left her but he could see that she was still fussing a bit. Her face was scrunched up and every now and then her eyes would open before closing again.

"Spock here. Captain?"

Jim turned back to the unit.

"Just wanted to let you know that I'll be staying in Colonel Demerin's quarters for the duration of my off-shift. If you need me, comm this room direct."

Jim noticed the slight pause, that moment of hesitation, with a wry smile. He had long stopped wondering about what went on in his First Officer's mind but he certainly wouldn't have minded a glimpse now. Spock trusted him not to act out of bounds- at least he wouldn't state his concerns out loud anymore, but Jim could almost see Spock's eyebrow raised in a distinctly disapproving manner.

"Yes, Captain," Spock's crisp voice said. "Will that be all?"

"Yeah, that's it," Jim said. "Kirk out."

He turned around and made his way back towards the bed, toeing off his shoes along the way. He stood at the foot of the bed for a moment, with his hands on his hips and stared down. Anna's eyes were closed and her lips were parted slightly, her chest slowly moving up and down with each deep breath. One hand lay atop her stomach and the other rested where he left it, palm up with her fingers curled in slightly. It would have been a peaceful sight, but Jim saw the lines of stress on her brow, the slight twitch of her fingers and the sporadic jerk of her head.

He crawled on the bed with his hands and his knees until he lay beside her. Maneuvering carefully, he tucked her arms under the blanket and then pulled it over himself until he was curled on his side, facing her.

She inhaled sharply suddenly, her eyes fluttering once again and he reached down for her hand, clasping it tightly in his own.

"Relax, Anna," he said quietly. "I'm right here. I've got you."

Her fingers tightened around his and he watched as she settled down into a deeper sleep, still and peaceful. He lay there, watching her quietly for a long time before calling out to dim the lights.

It didn't take long for Jim to fall asleep after that.

###

Anna opened her eyes when it became hard to take in a deep breath.

She blinked for a few minutes, wondering at the soft puffs of breath at her neck and moved her head slightly to read the chronometer across the room. She did a few quick calculations and tried to remember what time she had fallen asleep.

_A sedative and a few painkillers- bullshit, Doctor. _

_More like full strength tranqs._

For a moment Anna lay still, deep in thought. She thought about the events of the past few days and what would happen in a day when they reached the starbase. For the most part, she was sick and tired of being sick and tired and she wanted her team back with her. Anna knew her body was going through the first stage of withdrawal. If she didn't get to Ven soon, she'd quickly reach the stages the experimental subjects went through: prolonged extreme nausea, heightened sensitivity to touch, light and sound, muscle pain, excruciating headaches... the symptoms went on and on until all systems reset and normalized.

Anna didn't have the time or the desire to ever reach that point.

She was also looking forward to once again being able to think and make decisions with a clear head. Everything right now was so confusing. There was the need to follow Bishop's orders and to protect Trig but also the longing to stay and learn_. _She liked being around McCoy and Chapel, puttering around the medical bay and listening to them work. Her innate curiosity about things and people, how they worked and why, made her want to study the Enterprise and their missions. Everything was similar to the FI and yet so different.

And then there was Jim.

Anna frowned. She turned her head slightly to the other side to look over at him but found that she could barely move. He lay on his side with one leg thrown over both of hers and one arm laying squarely on her diaphragm. His mouth was practically at her neck and his breaths were slow and steady, deep and clear. She considered laying there and willing herself to fall back asleep but his arm was heavy. She knew she'd start to suffocate soon.

_Sorry, Jimmy._

As carefully as she could, she reached up with her free hand (Jim's body had pinned down the other one) and pushed his arm gently away. She sucked in a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly in relief when she was free. After a few more breaths, Anna sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. Despite the unease she felt at being sedated (_tranquilized) _she was grateful for the lack of pain. However, there was a haziness to her vision, a sort of unreal thickness in the air around her that she recognized as the lingering affects of heavy medication.

_...feels just like when I woke up during the first N-serum session and it was so hard to think..._

_...edges all blurry and mouth so dry and dizzydizzydizzy..._

Anna let out a soft sound of frustration. She was losing control of her thoughts, brooding over things that had no place in her current situation. She had the information that Bishop had wanted, knew at least a portion of what Pike told Jim, but she was reluctant to report back.

Jim Kirk, for all his swagger and breathless charm, wore his heart on his sleeve. One simply had to know how and where to look. Despite all the time they had spent growing up apart, there were parts of him that Anna could still recognize. The slight widening of his eyes, the tight press of his lips- Anna knew when Jim said something he hadn't meant to. For a split second, Jim's face had opened up to her, surprised and flustered, before recovering quickly.

His reaction to Daniel had given him away.

"_Not after what he was. What he did_."

The words had been said with passion, with such anger, that Anna had known that moment the extent of Jim's knowledge. He had tried to play it off but it was clear to her that Jim knew Daniel was a traitor. Jim led the conversation with emotions, not practical questions, and Anna suspected it was because he didn't think he _needed _to know anything else. That was enough information for Bishop to begin weeding out Pike's sources. She'd find out the rest later, when she was ready to put aside the games but this was enough for now.

Except...

Except a part of her did not want to tell Bishop. Though she hadn't lied to Jim- Daniel had truly broken her heart, after all- she felt the faint stirrings of guilt gnawing at her core. It had been a long time since they had been close but Anna felt protective of him. His file had given account after account of Jim throwing himself into dangerous situations, one after the other and she knew this time was no different. He was allowing himself to be hurt again, though not physically, and Anna felt sick at the thought of being once again the cause.

Jim Kirk was brave and determined but he seemed particularly vulnerable when it came to her. Anna used that to her advantage. Each confession brought him in closer, deepened his trust, but she was growing tired of opening up her veins and letting the blood flow for him to see. She could have spun a web of lies around herself and drawn him in that way but it just didn't seem fair. She would have to turn her back on Jim eventually and if he ended up hating her when was said and done, then that hate should be all based on truth, or as much as she could give him, anyway. She would hurt him again but at least he would know that she had been hurt too, was still hurting. She hoped it would give him some sort of grim satisfaction.

After all, it was only fair, wasn't it? Pain for pain; a heart for a heart.

Anna was thankful that their relationship had remained platonic and pure, untainted by the complications of romantic notions. That would have made the situation nearly unmanageable.

_I don't want to do this anymore. I need to get out of here._

Anna stared at out into the dark room, listening to Jim breathing and feeling weighed down by her confusion. She had no need to feel the way she did- she had orders to follow and she'd have her team to command again soon. Anna was not used to feeling so at odds with herself. She knew what she had to do so why was it so hard?

_I should talk to Trig. Get my priorities straight again._

Feeling slightly better at having made a decision, she began to turn towards the other side of the bed, meaning to get up when she felt an arm snake around her waist and hold her in place. Proud that she hadn't jumped at first contact, she looked back at Jim.

His blue eyes were bright though a bit unfocused as he looked back at her and his mouth, so full and soft, was a little slack. His hair stuck up in blonde tufts and he had a faint shadow of stubble. She felt something inside her expand and fill with love and an odd sort of possessiveness. Jim had grown up beautifully, beyond merely handsome. It was an odd description for a man but he was exactly the kind of person she always knew he would become.

Just... exceptional.

Anna rubbed her eyes, irritated with herself.

_I'm not making any sense._

And then something dark and painful colored her thoughts.

_Trig was right. He looks so much like Daniel._

_...what does that say about me?..._

"Where're you going?" Jim asked in a rough voice, pulling her away from her thoughts. He lay on his side, propped up on an elbow with his other arm still firmly in place around her. He looked at the chrono briefly and frowned. "It's still early."

"I was going to see Trig," she said.

Jim licked his lips and the brightness in his eyes dimmed slightly.

"You have to see him right now?" he asked after a pause. "Is it important?"

Anna shook her head.

Jim let out a relieved breath but his hold tightened. "Then don't go."

She hesitated but Jim only stared at her, waiting patiently. She saw a faint glimmer of something calculating and shrewd in his expression and she almost smiled. He was testing her- will it be Jim or Trig? Jim or Them?

There was something reassuring about that look.

Anna lay back down, pulling the blankets over them. Jim grinned at her and instead of letting her go as she had assumed he would, he brought his hand up to her cheek and pressed his face against her neck again. His other hand snaked down and twined their fingers together and his leg once again lay heavily over hers.

"I don't remember you being a cuddler," Anna said and she felt a puff of air on her skin when he chuckled.

"No, that was you," he said, murmured. "You had a pretty strong grip."

"Oh?" Anna said. She felt drowsy, lulled by Jim's presence and the soft, warm bed. It wasn't a bad feeling but she didn't want to fall asleep again.

"That I don't remember actually."

"It's true," Jim said. "You had a strong grip. For a girl."

Anna had to smile. "Ass."

"For a girl with skinny arms."

"Now that's just mean," she said and Jim laughed again. It was a little uncomfortable, having him so close to her. A little too intimate... but Anna didn't feel like moving.

_I can give you this moment, Jim, and I hope you remember it fondly later._

They lay quietly for a long time and Anna felt her eyes grow heavy. She blinked and then struggled briefly with herself before closing them altogether. She thought Jim had fallen asleep too, his breaths were once again deep and steady and he seemed too still to be awake.

"What was he like?"

Anna opened her eyes.

"I thought you had fallen asleep."

"No, just thinking," Jim said. He drew back a little and he gently pushed her head towards him, his thumb brushing a soft path along her cheek. "I want to know what he was like."

"Who?" she asked though she realized in a beat who he was referring to.

"Daniel," he said. "What did he look like? Why did you... I mean, what was it about him?"

"Why?"

She didn't want to answer his question, didn't want to remember what it had been like, that first heady, crazy year when she fell in love and thought she had been loved in return. It hadn't been easy; Trig and Paloma hated Daniel for reasons of their own and Anna wanted to remain loyal to her first friends at the FI. She had tried so hard to be cautious, to hold back the intense joy she felt each time they touched. Anna had always held back a part of herself on the outside but inside...

_He had blue eyes like you, Jim, the same exact shade. Maybe that's why I was drawn to him from the moment we first met- because he seemed so familiar and maybe I've been apologizing to you ever since I left you, except I just never found the courage to find you and say the words. He was smart like you too, except he loved the stars just like I did back then and he could tell me the name, distance, luminosity and orbiting planets around every single one I asked him about. He knew the mythology of every species we encountered, knew their customs and rites and it made me feel safe that he was on my team, that he was my First Officer. Just as safe as I felt with you when we walked through town together. _

_He had your smile, the crooked one that you used to give me when you were calm and happy; the reassuring one. It was the smile Daniel gave me when we first met and it made me think-_ oh, this could be trouble_, because I knew that smile and had loved it for years on you but I fell_ in love _with it on Daniel. _

_And I was right, he did end up to be trouble because he was a liar and a traitor and nothing he did or felt for me was real. But maybe part of me knew it instinctively because I put the tracker on his communications but I loved him so much I couldn't bring myself to open his files until after he went MIA. And I knew then that Paloma and Trig had been right to hate him. That's how we found out..._

_...And I look at you and see him and it hurts because it's like looking at the shadow of someone I loved. Almost, but not quite the one you want. _

_Almost, but not quite. _

_I can't think straight. I wish Ven was here. _

"Come back to me. Anna?"

Anna snapped back into the present. Jim was staring at her.

"You checked out on me for a second there," he said slowly. "Still tired?"

"A little," Anna said. And then because she didn't want to lie to him she went on. "But I'd rather not talk about Daniel right now. Please."

"Will you tell me sometime then?" he asked. "Sometime later?"

Anna studied him. They were laying so close to each other that she could see the lines on his lips, each scar and freckle, each laugh line and wrinkle on his face. His deliberately open, unguarded expression.

"Yes," she breathed out finally. "Maybe later."

"Alright," he said with a smile. He lowered his hand from her cheek down to her waist and pulled her tight, pressing his face against the side of her neck again. "I have five hours 'til shift. Let's just sleep until then."

"Jim, you're literally breathing down my neck," she said and he laughed, rubbing the tip of his nose against her skin. She shivered.

"You smell nice," he said.

"Is that so?"

"You smell like..."

"Regulation ship shampoo?" she asked dryly. "With a hint of standard laundry soap?"

"You smell like girl- with a capital G," Jim said, and she could hear the laughter in his voice. "And you're not so cold anymore, not when I hold you."

"So this is all a selfless act to keep me from freezing."

"Uh huh."

"In a heated room."

'Yup."

"Underneath a blanket in a temperature regulated bed."

"Exactly," Jim said happily. "I'm so glad you're a genius and we can have brilliant exchanges like this."

Anna grinned. Once again, a silence fell between them. Every now and then Jim would snuffle against her or let out a soft exhalation before falling still.

"Jim."

"Mmmhmm?" She felt his lashes flutter as he opened his eyes and she realized that he had started to doze off.

"I'm sorry," she said. "For leaving the way I did. I know I hurt you badly and I'm sorry for that. I don't regret joining the FI but I regret leaving you the way I did."

Jim said nothing for awhile but Anna knew he was awake. She could almost hear him thinking and she found herself holding her breath, waiting.

"Would you have told me where you were going?" he asked finally. "If you could do it again."

"I would have drawn you a map," she said. "If they wouldn't let me tell you, I would have programmed my coordinates into one of my old toys and given it to you right under their noses. Or..."

"Or left me a trail of breadcrumbs through the forest wild?"

"Or that," she said.

"Anna, I forgive you," he said softly. Kindly.

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard against a lump that had formed in her throat. She didn't trust herself to speak, to have the words not come out shaky and wet, so she squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

They had just one more day.

###


	20. Interlude: Academy

**AN: **I do not own Star Trek, nor plan to make any profit from this story. The original creations are the Federation Intelligence group and Anna and her team.

So I wrote different interludes and went back and forth between them. I chose this one because, well, it _kind of_ leads up to the next chapter in terms of Jim and Anna's relationship. It wasn't like she made the decision to leave Jim behind lightly and the effects of that are pretty far reaching.

Also, here's a mini-introduction to Paloma and Ven, pre-Tabernacle.

Happy reading and please do review, if you have the time. I won't post an update until after Thanksgiving so have a great holiday!

**Interlude: Academy**

"Go away."

"No."

"I'm busy!"

"Too bad, princess."

Trig watched with amusement and no little amount of concern as Paloma, oh she of the pale hair and black eyes, forcibly pulled Anna out of her seat at her desk and onto her feet. Anna gritted her teeth and Trig could almost hear her grinding down on them in frustration. She jerked her arm back from Paloma's grasp and deliberately smoothed down her cadet uniform, glaring at Paloma, Trig and then Ven in turn as she did. Her baleful expression would have been enough to send anyone else scampering off with their tail between their legs; Anna had a well-earned reputation as a hard ass at the Academy. As it stood though, the three of them were nothing more than mildly entertained.

"Get out of my room," Anna said. "All of you. That's an order."

She stood up straight and pulled her shoulders back. To anyone else, she would have looked impeccable, the shining example of an FI cadet- clean and neat, all sleek crisp lines at perfect angles. But Trig knew better. He could see the guilt and shame in her eyes and she was too pale to be fine.

"Aw, Trig," Paloma said, rolling her eyes before turning towards him. "Isn't it cute when she tries to pull rank?"

Trig snorted.

"Adorable," he said. He looked at Anna and shrugged. "Too bad you don't really mean it. Otherwise you would have called security already."

Anna gave him a dirty look and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Fine," she said. "You have my attention. What do you all want?"

"As if you don't know," Trig said, shaking his head. "Come on. You know why we're here."

Trig, Paloma and Ven stood in Anna's private quarters dressed in their civilian clothes. In his hand, Trig held a bag containing bottles of Cardassian kanar and several shot glasses.

Today had been a bad day for Anna. They all knew this and wanted to acknowledge it somehow. Earlier that afternoon, Ven told Trig and Paloma about Anna's most recent Deconstruction session. It was a mandatory part of the FI's Command track and no one liked it. Trig thought that their physical training, which lasted for days on end and often left cadets with agonizing injuries afterwards, was more preferable than an hour spent with the FI's specially trained psychologists. They all snapped at one point or another during their sessions. Psychological assaults hit hard and it was expected that the psychologists would get attacked eventually. It was also expected that FI cadets would know when to stop.

It certainly kept the psychologists on their toes.

As far as they knew, Anna had held out on physical violence for as long as she could but even she had her limits. Trig had taught her to fight hard and fight dirty so he understood that while she may have held back (Ven confirmed that the damage could have been much worse), an angry Anna was a brutal creature. No one was immune to anger or guilt, fear or grief- the only way to truly have control over your reactions was to admit your weaknesses, face them and then move on. Trig knew their training would help them in real life situations but it didn't mean it was easy. It didn't mean he liked watching anyone in his small group of friends crumble under the realization that they too weren't above base human emotions, even with the chemical help the FI provided for them.

And because he knew Anna well, Trig understood that she would find it hardest of them all to accept that.

_Not even twenty but Bishop's protégé. Thinks she has to work twice as hard as everyone else because of that._

_You're just a child playing grown, mey barn_.

They were a small family- Anna, Trig, Ven and Paloma; they had been friends since their first year at the FI Academy. They were close enough and _good_ enough that Bishop had already begun dropping hints about their assignments after graduation. Most of the short missions they were sent on had two, three or all of them on the same team and Trig hoped that they'd somehow end up together once they were commissioned officers. Hell, Trig suspected that Anna would graduate as an NCO- a rare occurrence but not unheard of. She had moved up quickly enough that it was possible.

As individuals, they all had their different ways of handling the stress from a Deconstruction session. After her first breakdown, Paloma had gone out and gotten spectacularly drunk. Ven, one of the only doctors in the Command track, had gone running for hours around the campus track until his legs were shaky and his clothes were heavy with sweat. Trig had locked himself into a sim and died three times over before he'd been dragged out. They all found each other eventually and pulled themselves out of whatever little miserable hole they tried to hide in.

Except Anna.

Stoic Anna was the youngest of their group and the most intensely driven and ambitious, which was saying a lot considering who they all _were. _After injuring the doctor in charge of her session, Anna had gone to a meeting with her superior officers, attended classes and then went to study in her quarters. In short, she hadn't reacted at all. Though she was clearly unsettled by her actions, Trig could see that she was holding herself together tightly with the characteristic force of will he had grown accustomed to.

And that more than anything worried him. Though he knew the officers in charge of cadet affairs praised her for her fortitude, Trig thought that Anna was only doing herself a disservice by willfully ignoring her problems. He wished she would lash out, truly allow herself to lose control. It would be better to get things out in the open and deal with them, after all.

Which was why they were now gathered in her room, Anna versus Them, waiting to see who would break first.

"We want you to come out with us," Paloma said, glancing at Trig and Ven. "Or at the very least, let us stay here and watch you wallow in self-pity and misery for our entertainment."

Anna glared at her.

"Ha bloody ha," she said. "Aside from the fact I have a test on Friday which I have to study for, what makes you think I have any reason to wallow in self-pity or misery?"

"Anna."

Ven said her name quietly. Trig glanced at Paloma and to his surprise, she seemed oddly uncomfortable.

"The woman who held your session today is on probation. She was a trainee and she didn't follow procedure or the plan set out by your normal doctor. What happened today wasn't entirely..."

"Yes, it was entirely my fault, Ven," Anna cut him off. Her voice was firm but angry. "I looked at her and thought about where to hit. And after I did that, I thought about what I could do next to make her hurt. And after that, you walked in. You saw what I did."

"You didn't want to stop."

"No."

"But you did."

"You walked in."

"You would have stopped before you did major damage."

"Just before, maybe," Anna said. She looked away and shook her head, looking very young and very tired. "But I was so angry. I don't think I've ever been that angry before."

"What did she say?" Trig asked.

She hesitated and then shrugged.

"What do you think she said?" Anna muttered. "She said something that I didn't want to hear. And I wanted to hurt her for it."

"Welcome to the club," Trig said, walking over to where she stood. He placed the package containing the kanar on the table behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. "It happens to the best of us and you were long overdue for a breakdown. That's what those sessions are for, right? Tapping into weaknesses and then using them against you."

Anna sighed heavily and shook her head again.

"Look, thank you for coming here," she said, glancing around the room. "But really. I'm fine. I'm not proud of my behavior but I've learned from it. Weakness exposed, acknowledged and dealt with. I'm _fine._"

"No," Paloma said. "You're not. You regret hurting the doctor and you're angry at yourself for losing control. But your guilt... I could sense it even before I stepped into your room."

Anna's cheeks flushed.

"I really would rather not talk about this right now," she said. "Just... just give me some time to work things out on my own."

"What was it, Anna?" Paloma asked, suddenly gentle. Trig knew that for all her teasing of the other woman, Paloma was intensely protective of Anna- sometimes he wondered if there was more about Anna that Paloma knew and didn't share with the rest of them.

"You don't care enough about yourself to react to a personal threat so it wasn't about you. And you know better than to be provoked into a reaction regarding any of us anymore. So what was it? Did she talk about your family? Your parents? Was it about the _Dimitto_?"

Something passed through Anna's face so quickly that Trig half-believed he imagined it.

"Okay, so Levine?" Trig said. "Did she needle you about not leaving Levine back?"

"It wasn't that," Anna said. She looked down and seemed to struggle with herself before speaking again.

"Do you know what today is?" she asked. Trig frowned and glanced at Ven and Paloma.

"Tuesday?"

She looked annoyed and... relieved.

"Nevermind," she muttered. She gestured to the bag. "So what's in there? I'm assuming something alcoholic and strong."

Trig ignored her. A thought had just struck him but he didn't see what it had to do with their current situation.

"Did you know someone on the _Kelvin_?" he asked. "It's Starfleet's Remembrance day. That's why the flags are at half mast. Did you have family on the ship?"

Anna bit her bottom lip and shook her head. Paloma narrowed her eyes slightly but said nothing.

"No," she said. "But I had a friend who did."

Trig was confused.

S_o what? Why would she care about someone else's family member on the Kelvin?_

It was a tragedy. Captain Robau and Captain Kirk were heroes but as far as Trig knew, she had no connection to either of them. And even if she had a friend who did, he still failed to get the meaning.

"So's that what's got you upset?" he said. "Did the doctor pick on the _Kelvin_?"

"I had a friend-"

"Congratulations," Trig said. She smiled at him and though it was clearly half-hearted and less than joyful, he would take it as a win. "Kidding. What about your friend?"

"It's his birthday today," Anna said. Another change of subject, Trig thought. He glanced at Paloma but she was studying Anna's face with a sharp sort of thoughtfulness and Ven only looked worried.

"Well, happy birthday to..." Trig trailed off. "What's his name?"

Anna rubbed her eyes with one hand tiredly and ignored his question.

"I left him behind when I joined the FI," she said. "I haven't talked to him since."

"You don't keep in touch?"

"No."

"Were you close?"

"Yes."

Ven took a step forward and Paloma looked at him from the corner of her eye. Trig raised his eyebrow- he didn't need Paloma's Betazoid abilities to know what she was thinking.

"Were the two of you...?" Ven asked, trailing off, unable to finish.

Anna snorted.

"No," she said. "He was like an older brother, except... he was better. But I wasn't..."

She paused and stared out into space, not really looking at anything. Trig stayed quiet and still. After a moment, she went on.

"I wasn't good for him."

"Why not?"

"I was too much and not enough," Anna said. She looked at Trig and smiled tightly. "I don't mean to sound cryptic but..."

Trig waved her off.

"Don't worry about it," he said, meaning it.

Specifics weren't important; she needed to talk. Stoic little Anna who never spoke about her past, who had a picture of her parents on her bookshelf and a small ratty stuffed bear hidden in her closet but never mentioned anything about them. She'd been there for him, for all of them really, when it mattered and he didn't need any more details to understand that she needed him now.

"So the doctor brought him up."

Anna nodded slowly. "The moment she said his name, I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to stop, to make her stop. But I wanted her to fight back and I got angry when she didn't."

"If you wanted someone to fight with, you should have comm'ed me or Paloma."

"Yeah, just not Ven though," Paloma said, flashing a mischievous smile. "He doesn't play fair, what with those poisoned blades and all."

"That's pretty rich coming from someone who can read minds," Ven muttered, rolling his eyes.

"I sense emotions, not minds, you asshole," Paloma huffed. "Besides, I'm not the one who poisoned my roommate first year because he wouldn't clean up after himself."

"For the last time, it wasn't intentional!"

Trig chuckled but when he looked at Anna, he saw that none of their banter had any effect on her.

"I wanted to hurt her," Anna said dully. "Because she was right."

"Those doctors are liars," Ven said. He offered her a small smile. "I should know, right? Come on, Anna. Whatever it was she said..."

"You should get a hold of your friend," Paloma said suddenly. "Wish him a happy birthday. I think you need to. I think it would be good for you."

"No," Anna said. She looked away.

"I take it you didn't part on good terms?" Trig asked.

"You could say that."

"Still care for him?"

"I don't think about him most of the time," Anna said. "I go weeks, sometimes months without thinking about him. But then I do remember and it's like-"

"Being hit in the chest with the butt of a Romulan modified rifle?"

Anna's mouth twitched. "Yeah, Trig," she said. "Something like that."

"It's painful." He said it as a statement and not a question. Anna nodded.

"Sometimes I can almost believe I'm over it," she said. "And then out of the blue something happens to make me realize that it hurts just as much as the day I... that I never got over it. Leaving him, I mean."

"You sure you guys were just friends?" Trig asked. "Because it sounds an awful lot like you-"

"Trig." Paloma said his name as a warning and he fell silent. "Don't."

_What does she sense?_

"He was my best friend," Anna said, turning away from them. She reached out for the bag as she spoke and Trig knew that she wanted to keep her hands busy. "And I told you, we were _better_ than that. More than that. Or maybe I'm just remembering it wrong and I wasn't that important to him but _he_ was important to _me_. I was... responsible for him."

"You took care of him," Paloma said quietly. Anna's hands stopped briefly, shook a little, and then continued on with their task.

"Yes," she said. "And he took care of me but I left him anyway. Great friend I turned out to be, right?"

"You were young."

"Not much younger than I am now. It's not an excuse."

"You've grown up a lot though. We've all had to," Trig interjected. "Look, if that doctor was trying to make parallels between Levine and your friend, then fuck her. Those psychologists are full of..."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Anna snapped and just like that Trig knew the conversation was over. They'd pushed enough and Anna was done. Even Paloma backed off; without saying a word she seemed to accept that it was time to move on.

Anna pulled the bottles of kanar out of the bag and gave a low whistle. The bottles of the black, thick liquid gleamed in the overhead lights and Anna looked up at all of them with wide eyes.

"If Anderson finds out you guys took these from his stash, he'll-" Anna began but Trig laughed.

"Relax, princess," Paloma said, reaching out. She took a bottle from Anna's hands and winked. "Ven's taken care of Anderson."

Anna rubbed her eyes again as Ven walked over to them and picked up two of the glasses.

"Matthew, don't tell me you did something to the Commander," Anna said. "Because I'd rather not know."

"I did nothing to Anderson that was out of bounds," Ven said, holding out the glasses for Paloma to pour the kanar in. "First do no harm, right? I take my oaths very seriously, no matter how archaic they are. The Commander requested a delicate medical procedure that he didn't want the brass to know about. Let's just say, the man owes me several times over and so does his wife, for that matter. These bottles are just the beginning."

Anna smiled but said nothing as Ven handed her the first full glass. When they all had drinks in hand, Trig leaned back against the desk next to Anna and raised an eyebrow.

"So, should we make a toast?" Trig said. "It's the first drink, you know, before we all get shitfaced."

"Please, it would take several bottles each for that to happen," Anna said. She scowled and looked down at the viscous drink. "And I don't think I could stomach the taste even if I wanted to reach that point."

"Oh, this is just the beginning," Paloma said. "We have a whole night of debauchery and sin planned. After we polish these two off, we'll-"

"To your friend," Ven said suddenly. He held up his glass and looked at Anna, his brown eyes serious and compassionate. "Happy birthday. Wherever he is."

Anna lifted her glass and nodded, and they all followed suit.

"Happy birthday," Anna said softly.

Trig pretended not to notice the sheen in her eyes as she drank.

###

Jim failed the Kobayashi Maru to no one's surprise but his own.

McCoy couldn't help but feel sorry for the kid (and really, Jim Kirk was still a fucking kid) and so that night he kept himself from drinking too much in order to keep an eye on him. McCoy had watched for a few hours as Jim flirted, drank, flirted and drank some more at the local bar but he drew the line when it looked like he was ready to throw a punch at a hulking menace that Bones wasn't entirely sure was human.

He had dragged Jim back to his single room in the medical dorms and what normally was a fifteen minute walk had turned into nearly an hour's stumble and fall back. Jim was a contrary bastard when he drank _this_ much and was in _this_ kind of mood.

_Pissy. Goddamn little man-child is being a downright brat tonight._

After dumping Jim roughly on his couch, McCoy sat down on the edge of his bed and blew a raspberry.

"Booooones," Jim wailed from where he lay flat on his back. "Booooones!"

"Shut up, Jim," McCoy growled. He glared at Jim though he knew he couldn't see his face. "My goddamn back hurts from dragging your heavy ass over half a mile so you will. Shut. Up. Now."

"But Booooones!"

"Dammit, Jim, you can call me McCoy or Doctor McCoy but quit with that Bones shit," McCoy said. He fell back onto his bed with a groan and blinked up at the ceiling. It had been nearly a year since he first met James T. Kirk and while he truly liked him (even counted him as one of his closest friends, go figure) there could be times when the kid was nearly unbearable.

Like now.

Jim had stormed out of the simulation room earlier that day after failing the Kobayashi Maru, angrier than McCoy had ever seen him. To be fair though, while Jim got in enough altercations off campus, up until that point McCoy had never seen his friend truly furious. There was something off about that anger; it burned too hot, seemed to run too deep to be merely a product of failure. And while McCoy hadn't pressed, he knew there was more to the Kobayashi Maru than Jim was letting on.

Of course he knew who Jim Kirk was but at first, he hadn't made the connection between the energetic, cocky blue-eyed sonuvabitch who smiled too much and drank too hard but somehow earned top marks in each class with ease... and the Kelvin tragedy. Son of a hero, certified genius and borderline nutcase, Jim Kirk had baggage but that was fine. McCoy had his own lot to bear and he wasn't about to begrudge anyone their right to lash out at the world.

"Thought your name was Leonard?" Jim said, his words slurring together. "She used to call me Jimmy, you know? Jimmy Kirk. That was me. I left that behind when she left me behind because fuck that. I didn't want her stupid nickname, anyway. Can't call you Bones but I can't call you Leonard, right?"

McCoy shook his head. Jim was more inebriated than he had ever seen him and McCoy had no idea what he was going on about.

"Right."

"But Booooooones!"

"Oh my God," McCoy said, rolling his eyes hard enough that it made his head hurt. "What are you now? Five? Shut up before I decide not to give you an anti-hangover spray."

"I wanted to win!"

McCoy sat up and frowned. The words were vehement, with none of the playful teasing from seconds before. From across the room, Jim's face was stormy. Once again, McCoy wondered at the origin of Jim's fury.

"Jim, it's okay not to win sometimes," McCoy said gently. "And that damn test is set up so no one wins. Period. You can't-"

"I was going to show her," Jim said and McCoy realized that Jim hadn't heard him. That maybe, in his drunken state, he wasn't really talking to anyone but himself.

"I was going to win and I was going to fucking shove that in her face. Show her I don't need her anymore. That I can fucking do the fucking impossible without her."

"Show who, Jim?" McCoy asked slowly.

He knew Jim wasn't on speaking terms with his mother, and really, what a shame that was. It was clear the boy needed his own people, needed some sort of anchor to steady him. So far it seemed the formality of Starfleet, its traditions and rules had helped to rein in a bit of that wild, crazed fever Jim always seemed to be in but still- McCoy had lost Jocelyn but he still had his family. Still had his grandma and cousins and uncles and aunts to call his own.

McCoy watched as Jim swallowed, as his face twisted up and his mouth trembled. With anger or grief, McCoy didn't know, but he knew both emotions well enough to guess one or the other.

_Probably misses his mom something fierce. Poor kid. _

"I'm taking that test again," Jim said. "I swear to God I'll keep taking it until I beat it. And then maybe... maybe..."

"Maybe what, Jim?"

"But she won't come back, even if I beat it," Jim whispered. "I waited. I even looked for her. But she never came back. Won't ever come back. Even if I win. But I have to win. Right, Bones? Maybe if I do the impossible, I'll get the impossible. Maybe... maybe..."

"You're not making any sense, kid."

After a few minutes of silence, and then a broken snore, McCoy realized Jim had fallen asleep.

With a sigh, McCoy heaved himself up off the bed and walked to the small kitchenette. He filled a glass with water and then rummaged through his medical kit until he found the hypospray he'd been looking for.

He set the glass and spray next to the couch, within Jim's reach and made his back to the bed, throwing himself on it without any ceremony.

Within seconds, McCoy had fallen asleep as well.

###


	21. Chapter 17

**AN-** Still don't own Star Trek. Shame, that.

So a few things: clearly this is an AU so I'm hoping you all will forgive me for introducing an early version of the replicator here. I think what they would have had in the 23rd century for organic materials like food were synthesizers- replicators would not yet have been perfected. Uh… while we're on the subject, let's forget the fact that the holodeck shouldn't even exist at this point (TNG FTW!)

Also, there's a clue in this chapter as to what Anna's 'call tag' is.

In any case, thank you for reading!

**Chapter 17**

"Captain, you have an incoming transmission from Admiral Pike," Uhura said from her console. "It's marked high priority."

Jim turned to look at her and raised his eyebrow. It was the middle of Alpha and he hadn't expected anything other than a normal shift nor had he expected a message from Pike. So far it had been a routine day. Jim had been reading through a new theory put forth by the resident child genius, Chekov, on how to amplify their sensors to detect minute amounts of neutron radiation from non-Federation starships. If Chekov's calculations were correct, the UFP would have another way to locate enemy ships, even under refractive shields, from very far distances.

It was, as Spock would say, _fascinating_ and they had gone back and forth on the bridge that morning, discussing the idea until Uhura had chimed in. If Pike sent a transmission then it was of his own accord. Which meant he had additional information about Anna and the FI.

Jim glanced at Spock, who nodded, understanding Jim's unspoken question and the implications of Pike's call. Jim stood up and straightened his shirt, turning to Uhura again.

"Got it. Thank you, Uhura. I'll take it in my ready room. Spock?" Jim said and Spock stood up to join his captain. "Sulu, you have the conn."

"Aye, sir."

Jim and Spock made their way towards the ready room and Jim made a show of grinning widely at everyone and cracking jokes to mask the small pool of anxiety he felt growing in the pit of his stomach. He had woken up that morning feeling on top of the world, knowing that he and Anna had cleared the way for a new beginning... _somehow_. Jim honestly didn't know what would happen next and while he wasn't prone to day dreaming, he had allowed himself a moment's worth of fantasies about the future as he lay next to her sleeping form.

A message from Pike didn't bode well.

"Any idea what the Admiral's got in store for us?" Jim asked Spock as the doors slid shut behind them.

"I had supposed that you requested additional information regarding Tabernacle and their current mission," Spock said, placing his hands behind his back. He tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Clearly this assumption was incorrect."

"Clearly," Jim said dryly, striding towards the panel. He punched in his security code and took a step back, glancing at Spock. "But no, I wasn't expecting anything further. Although Anna did ask if we could hold a senior command staff meeting once the rest of her team is on board."

"I read your memorandum," Spock said. "I found it a point of interest that she made an informal request."

"Why, because you thought it was illogical?" Jim asked.

"No," Spock said. "I believe it is a calculated move. An informal request would not necessitate a recording of the meeting in question."

Jim shrugged and looked away. He didn't want to admit that he had come to the same conclusion.

If Anna had submitted a formal request through Uhura, who would have then passed it on Jim, then Jim would be in his rights to record the meeting outright. However, Jim could still record the meeting since it was held on his ship, but he'd have to divulge the fact prior and it would cast him and his crew in a negative light.

_They'd think I was suspicious of the FI and they could use that against me somehow._

If he didn't capture the meeting somehow then they wouldn't have a record of it in case he had to go back and clarify certain issues. But if he did, then the FI could arguably claim that Jim and his crew did not place full faith and credit in matters concerning the FI, with the Enterprise acting as one governing state and the FI acting as another.

Anna always was a clever girl.

"I want the meeting recorded," Jim said, looking back at Spock. Though his expression didn't change, Spock seemed pleased and gave Jim a slight nod.

"I've had Yeoman Rand secure rooms for Anna's team," Jim went on. "They'll be placed a deck below myself in the junior delegate rooms. I want surveillence installed in their quarters."

At this, Spock looked at him curiously and Jim stared at him until he nodded. Anna's room was off limits but that didn't mean he would extend the same courtesy to the rest of her team.

"I will ensure that they are placed," Spock said. "Colonel Demerin has also requested a private area in the medical bay for treatment."

"Yeah, she did." Jim rubbed his brow. For a moment, he was irritated that Spock had such a good memory. It forced Jim back into the present and away from whatever good feelings he had that morning.

"She said that her team doctor-"

"Doctor Matthew ven Christie," Spock said.

Jim kept himself from rolling his eyes.

"She said that Doctor ven Christie will probably need to use our medical facilities," Jim said.

"Doctor McCoy's reports have indicated that the Colonel and the Major require treatment beyond that which we can adequately provide," Spock said. "He has agreed to cordon off the back section of the medical bay for Doctor ven Christie's purposes."

"Yeah, but not without a little bitching and griping," Jim said. "What's our ETA to star base Gamma?"

"We will arrive at star base Gamma in approximately twenty-seven hours and forty-eight minutes," Spock said.

Jim smiled grimly.

He knew that when they picked up Tabernacle, it would take three days to travel back to J-311 at warp speed and, as an unknown gladiator was reported to have said before combat, the games would indeed begin in earnest. He had a feeling that once Doctor ven Christie got his hands on Trig and Anna, the people he had gotten to know- earnest, charming Trig and Anna, who seemed to find it easier to smile now, would be gone.

_...there is a behavioral difference, Jim. I'm not sure yet if it's good or bad..._

Whatever it was that Doctor ven Christie had planned, Jim was sure he would hate the results.

"Transfer complete," the soft feminine voice of the computer said. Jim glanced at Spock one final time before giving the command to play Pike's pre-recorded message.

The screen before shifted and Pike's face appeared. He sat at his desk in his office at the Academy.

"Jim," Pike said, putting his hands on the table in front of him. "I'll assume that your First Officer is with you so I'll say that I hope this message finds you both well. Greetings aside, I'll make this brief. My sources have been able to pull images of the Tabernacle team. I wouldn't have thought these would be of any interest to you since you'll see the real deal in about a day but there's one in particular which I think you should pay some attention to. You mentioned you had a relationship with Anna Demerin. I'll not ask what the nature of that relationship was but I think what you'll see now implies quite a bit."

Pike looked slightly uncomfortable but he smiled slightly and nodded at the screen.

"Good day, gentlemen."

Jim blinked, surprised at the abrupt close.

"Computer, show attached files," he said. The screen changed again.

Seven headshots appeared, all of them uniform in size and color with full names below. The date on the left hand side of each shot was over a year prior; these were taken before Anna's latest headshot on her personnel file. It made sense- twice a year, his crew was required to update their forms to keep them as current as possible.

Jim's eyes were immediately drawn to Anna's photo at the top. The difference was almost painfully apparent.

_What happened between then and now?_

Her face was fuller in the older picture, her cheeks not so sunken in and drawn like they were now. Her eyes were bright and her gaze sharp and there was a hint of challenge there as opposed to the flat, dead expression he'd seen before. There was also a slight tilt of her mouth, an almost-smirk; it was the face of someone used to getting their way and was proud of it. Anna didn't look tired or weary here. Anna in this picture, set in her world, seemed younger and fresher. _Alive_.

Next to her was an image of Trig. He looked much the same but there seemed to be no trace of the friendly, affable man that had somehow managed to get into Scotty's good graces. His pale blue eyes were stern and grim and his face was all sharp edges and lines though more rounded then, and showed no trace of exhaustion.

Alessander Levine had auburn hair and bright green eyes. Unlike Trig, whose expressionless face was cold and unyielding, there was something vicious about Levine's face. Though he was strikingly fair, with his high cheekbones and almost delicate features, there was a sense of something cruel about the man that made Jim automatically dislike him on sight. He didn't look like the type of person Anna had described- a lover of classical literature and poetry.

Benjamin McCormick looked young but that was about all he had in common with Chekov. He had light brown eyes and straight dark blonde hair. There was a hint of boyishness left in his face but Jim thought he was probably in his early twenties. He still had the soft, almost sweet, features of a child- full cheeks and pouty lips. His eyes though, were as old and hard as the rest of his team.

Paloma Tanz had short, chin length hair that was even lighter than Trig's own but her eyes were characteristically large and black. Jim recalled that she was half-Betazoid and he was glad that Anna had thought to mention it. She was a pretty woman, might have even been beautiful, but she resembled Levine- there was nothing soft about her. She looked as if she had been made from snow and she looked out from the image with hostile intent.

_Ice. I can see that._

Matthew ven Christie was a surprise to Jim. He had dark hair and dark eyes set against a pale face but there was a kindness about him that Jim found curious. Unlike Trig, Alessander, and Benjamin, Matthew was overtly masculine- he lacked the fine, almost androgynous features that the others had but he was still a handsome man. He looked to be Anna's age, if not younger.

_He's different._

Before that moment, before actually seeing the face of Anna's doctor, Jim was sure he would dislike him on sight as he had done with the rest of her team. But now looking at the doctor's eyes, Jim thought that perhaps he should hold back his judgment, at least until he actually met the man. Matthew looked more accessible than anyone else, more so even than Anna. His face, frozen in time in the image, looked out with a patient, weary expression. Jim's instincts told him that this was no gruff Bones or a calculating FI agent- Matthew was his own person.

_But if that's the case, why is he in Tabernacle? _

Jim was lost in his thoughts when Spock spoke up.

"Captain, I find the resemblance quite striking, as I'm sure you do," Spock said. "I wonder perhaps if Daniel Gaines' involvement in Tabernacle was not based on his appearance. I could see how easily it would be for him to gain Anna's trust."

Jim looked at Spock in confusion. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

Spock raised his eyebrow and looked back at Jim.

"Humans have been known to form a bias based on appearances and..."

"No, Spock. I meant what are you referring to currently?"

"The image of Daniel Gaines," Spock said after a short pause. "Have you not considered that his features are quite similar to your own?"

He looked back at the screen.

At the far bottom right corner was a picture of Daniel Gaines.

Jim stared at it for a long time.

###

McCoy passed his tricorder over his patient's broken hand and sighed.

"Scotty's gotta quit with his little experiments," he muttered and Ensign Sanson gave him a half hearted smile from her seat at the edge of a bed. There were only a few people left in the medical bay and McCoy decided to see Sanson through the end of his shift. "You engineering kids are wearing out most of my re-gens."

"Sorry, Doctor McCoy," she said. She winced as McCoy gently placed her hand under the regenerator. "But Lieutenant Commander Scott and Greg had a great idea about how to tweak the replicators to produce organic material. I mean, I know it can reproduce basic matter, mostly inert stuff, but apparently, Greg-"

"Who the hell is Greg?" McCoy asked, frowning down at her. The regenerator hummed as it re-knit bone and sinew.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Sanson said, abashed. "I mean, Major Jansen. I've heard the Lieutenant Commander call him Trig, though he was nice enough to offer his first name. Anyway, he mentioned they were helping out on a little project for medical. Do you know anything about it?"

McCoy stared at her before puffing out a breath. He glanced back at the lab area where Anna sat, head bent over one of the consoles and frowned. True to her word, she'd started working on the holodeck code the moment she set foot in the bay and she'd been so involved in the project that McCoy had to physically pull her away from the console to eat lunch.

She had been almost talkative during the short break in McCoy's office, giving him a brief overview on what she was doing. But she seemed distracted and eager to get back to her work. He didn't find this at all offensive. It was clear she was excited about something and McCoy couldn't fault anyone for showing enthusiasm and passion. Good, honest emotions weren't bad at all.

In any case, it was a nice change.

However, lunch had been hours ago and Anna was still intensely focused on her work. McCoy had left her on her own, occasionally checking the biomonitor and the video devices around her to make sure that she wasn't doing anything untoward. She had talked to Trig through video comm for a few short minutes earlier but that was about it.

_Guess I know why now._

As he watched her, Anna frowned down at one of the lower screens and pushed her hair away from her face distractedly. He noticed for the first time that her long dark hair had been left down and she seemed annoyed with it. To his amusement, she tucked the strands behind her ear and leaned forward again, only to have her hair fall into her eyes.

Anna made a face and brushed it back and in the process of doing so, looked up. For a moment, their eyes met across the distance through the transparent panels and she sat up, suddenly at alert. Her hair was disheveled and her t-shirt was still too big and she gave him a smile that lit up her face.

McCoy blinked.

_Lord but she must have had Jim wrapped around her little finger back in their day._

_Him and any other living creature so inclined. _

"Doctor McCoy, how long do I have to stay here?"

He jumped a little and looked back at Sanson.

"Fifteen minutes," he said gruffly, clearing his throat. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. He grabbed Sanson's patient board and made an update to her file, noting the cause of her current injury and treatment before saving and closing it. "Sit here, stay still and don't touch anything."

"Yes sir," Sanson said, cowering a little. McCoy rolled his eyes- _Jesus, you'd think I was going to smack her or something, _he thought- and looked up at Anna once again.

She was still looking at him and motioned for him to come back into the lab. It was clear she was excited about something; she was half sitting, half standing on a chair and her hands seemed unable to stay still. They tugged at the bottom of her shirt or pulled at her hair or tapped against her thighs.

With a final glare at Sanson- this one to make sure she would follow his instructions to the letter- he made his way towards the lab.

"Doctor McCoy," Anna said, jumping to her feet. McCoy raised an eyebrow and walked over to the console where she stood.

"You look like you've got ants in your pants," he muttered and to his shock, Anna laughed.

"The southern states have such a fascination with archaic phrases and turns of speech," she said. "It's quite charming, Doctor. I'm still waiting for you to bless my heart."

McCoy had to fight not to smile. He rubbed his mouth thoughtfully and shrugged.

"You know if you're going to insult me and the South, you may as well call me Leonard," he said. Anna regarded him silently for a moment, her smile growing fainter but somehow softer.

She seemed pleased.

"Not Bones?" she said.

"Only Jim calls me that and I think he only does it because he knows how much it annoys me," McCoy said.

"I don't think it annoys you as much as you say it does," Anna said. McCoy snorted and shook his head. "In any case, I wanted to tell you that I'm done."

"Done?" McCoy said, not comprehending.

"With the program," Anna said, gesturing to the console. "I wrote the entire program code, not just the foundation, with Scotty's help."

"Scotty?" Up until that point, Anna had been as formal as Spock when it came to addressing people by their titles.

Anna's cheeks grew pink and she shrugged, turning back towards the screen.

"When I spoke with Trig earlier, I had to confer with the Lieutenant Commander on a few items," she said, her long fingers flying over the board. "He was quite eager to share his knowledge and asked that we keep our relationship informal."

_Scotty, you incorrigible flirt. Jim will kill you if you try anything._

"Of course he did," McCoy said, crossing his arms. "I thought you said it would take a day or two to complete the program?"

"I thought it would initially," Anna said and she glanced at him with barely contained glee. "But then I started thinking- you're clearly quite dedicated to your work. Would it make sense to program the entire holodeck to simulate a room that already exists on the _Enterprise_? And really, wouldn't you rather practice the procedure in a real environment?"

"What are you saying?" McCoy said. "That I'm a workaholic who doesn't leave the medical bay?"

Anna paused and then shrugged. "Yes, actually," she said. "But you're missing the point. With Scotty's help, I've been able to redirect energy from the holodeck to one of your surgical theaters."

She pressed a key and took a step back from the counter as a three dimensional image of the main theater appeared from the console. In the center where the patient table stood, different alien bodies flickered onto the surface.

"You see, the holodeck is able to simulate people or things using replicators and by shaping force fields," she said. "And holomatter is created using holoemitters, right? I've written the code so that the holodeck uses only part of its energy to recreate a specific alien life form- I've programmed a few in there so you can choose- outside of the deck."

"How?" McCoy said, staring at the image. "How is that even possible? I mean, everyone knows you can't take anything out from the holodeck."

"You can if you have a mobile-emitter," Anna said. "Scotty said he'd install one whenever you're ready to test the program. It will stabilize the simulation outside of the holodeck. By using a small targeted tractor beam, the energy is transferred from the holodeck to the theater, retaining the shape, look and feel of whatever simulation you decide upon."

"There's no way that will work," McCoy said and instantly bit down on his tongue before he could say anything else.

For a moment, he regretted his "gift" for being able to blurt out exactly what he was thinking. He appreciated the thoughtfulness that went into writing the program- he knew there was no way he could have done such a thing and he was keen on the prospect of being able to test out the new graft. And while he knew that if he asked Scotty or someone else, they would have created something similar for him; the fact remained that Anna had offered.

It was just... McCoy was a pessimist at heart and no matter how smart Anna was, they'd been taught that what happened in the holodeck remained there.

But Anna didn't look affronted nor hurt. She looked at him oddly, as if she was confused about his doubt and then she smiled once again.

"Your faith in my abilities is overwhelming," Anna said. She straightened up and closed out of the image. "I have no doubt that it will work. Once Scotty gets that emitter in the surgical theater, you're all set. I chose aliens the Federation has extensive records for so you'd have as accurate a response as possible. Any one of the engineers can tweak it if need be."

"Huh," McCoy said. He nodded at Anna, suddenly at a loss for words. "Well, this is... I'm looking forward to testing it out. I know you worked hard on it and I... Thanks."

Anna sat back down and drummed her fingers on the counter. She looked up at McCoy with bright eyes and shrugged.

"You're welcome," she said. "And it was fun. Let me know how it works out in the long run. It'll be interesting to see how accurate the responses are in the program."

"I will," McCoy said. He narrowed his eyes and leaned against the counter. "In the long run? Aren't you FI agents a little hard to reach?"

"Just a little," Anna said. "But we can be found when we want to be."

"Kinda like ghosts," McCoy said lightly. He meant it as a rather lame joke but he didn't expect Anna to burst into surprised laughter.

_Must be an inside thing- one of those 'I had to be there' things. _

"Yes, I suppose we are kind of like _ghosts_," she said, shaking her head. She leaned back in her chair, traces of laughter still lingering on her lips.

"And you find that amusing?"

"Inordinately so," she said.

"Care to tell me why?"

"Not at all."

They stared at each other for a moment before McCoy sighed and rolled his eyes. "Oh fine," he muttered. "Keep your damn secrets. In any case..."

"Anna, can I talk to you?"

McCoy jumped and he noticed Anna's eyes shift to someone over his shoulder. She sat up, her face growing serious, and McCoy already knew who was behind him. He turned to face Jim but his greeting died on his lips.

It wasn't that Jim looked angry. He knew his friend well enough to see that the intense look on his face wasn't about anger at all. Instead, McCoy thought Jim looked like he did just before he took the Kobayashi Maru for the first time. Determined, focused and ready to conquer.

Jim was staring at Anna as if she were the only person in the room.

_Or in the universe._

"Jim?" Anna said. "Of course."

She stood up and glanced at McCoy and he could see that part of her had withdrawn and shut down. It was clear that she hadn't expected Jim's mood. He understood that confusion. At the start of the first shift that morning, Jim walked Anna to the medical bay and had been in a cheerful, relaxed mood. McCoy had noticed the way Jim's hand lingered on the small of her back and how he leaned in close to her when he said good-bye.

He hadn't yet said anything about Trig's blatant threat towards him and for a second, McCoy was worried something really _had _happened.

"Bones, can you please leave us alone for a bit?" Jim said. His gaze flickered towards McCoy before going back to Anna. "I need to speak with Anna about something."

McCoy narrowed his eyes. "Jim, I'm thinking maybe I should stick around for..."

"It's fine, Doctor McCoy," Anna said quickly, talking a step forward. She seemed calm but her hands were curled into fists. For a second though, her face softened. "I mean, I'm fine, _Leonard_. I'm sure the Captain is here on official business."

"Actually, no I'm not," Jim said. "This is personal."

"I stand corrected," Anna said mildly. "Regardless."

McCoy glared at Jim and then gave up. Jim was laser-focused on only one person in the room and it wasn't him.

"Fine, I'll get out of your hair," McCoy said, moving towards the exit. "But I'll be in my office if either of you need anything."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Sure, Bones."

McCoy was tempted to turn on the audio controls on the recording equipment in the lab but thought better of it. Whatever personal shit was going on between them, he really, _really_ did not want to know.

###

"Computer, solidify bio-containment field and set opacity to ninety percent," Jim commanded. Almost immediately, dark grey walls formed around them closing them both into the area.

For a moment, Jim just stared at Anna, taking in her polite, curious expression which was in contrast to the defensive, tense way she held her body. He couldn't feel sorry for her- he was just as unsettled and thrown off, but he forced himself to calm down and take a deep breath. Anna was gearing up for a fight and Jim wouldn't have that, not when he wanted answers.

_She fell in love with him, not me. Someone else, not me._

_Someone who just happens to look like me._

_But I came first._

"You might as well spit it out," Anna said finally. "Unless you want to spend another five minutes attempting to stare me down."

"Daniel Gaines," Jim said. Anna blinked and then tilted her head to the side.

"What about him?"

"Remind you of anyone?" Jim said, taking a few steps towards her. He gestured to his face. "Because I have to admit, he was _not_ what I was expecting. I guess now I know why you didn't want to tell me what he was like last night."

Anna's face paled and went through a myriad of emotions. She opened and closed her mouth several times before snapping it shut. Her eyes widened and she shook her head, moving away from Jim.

"How did you..." Anna began and then stopped, clearly unsure how to react. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked around the room wildly. "Where did you... I mean, how... who told you about Daniel?"

"No one told me about him, I saw him myself," Jim said, taking a step forward. He paused. "I saw his headshot."

Anna's eyes flashed but she didn't ask Jim how or from who he got the headshot from. The Starfleet officer in him admired that- even in a difficult situation, Anna was able to keep her wits about her. It didn't matter how Jim had obtained the image, it only mattered that he had. She knew that he hadn't answered her first, clumsily asked questions so there was no point in pushing for more.

She was silent for a moment then straightened and nodded sharply.

"Fine, I'll admit there's a slight resemblance," Anna said. "But I don't see how that-"

"A slight resemblance?" Jim repeated, raising his eyebrow. He took a step forward. "I'd say the resemblance is more than slight."

"He's not your goddamn twin!" Anna exclaimed. She looked up at the ceiling, seemingly in exasperation but Jim suspected it was because she couldn't look him in the eye. "I didn't want to tell you about him because I didn't want you to jump to the wrong conclusions."

"We were friends, best friends, for years, Anna," Jim said, in a low voice. "Friends all throughout childhood. Even as teenagers. _We_ _slept in the same bed_. But you never even showed an iota of interest in me. So imagine my surprise when I got the chance to see for myself what this Daniel Gaines guy, someone you admitted falling in love with, looks like. I want to know what _wrong _conclusions you think I'm jumping to and I want to know if they're really as wrong as you think they are."

Anna took a deep breath and shook her head, still looking away from him.

"_That_, Jim," she said. "That's exactly what I was talking about. Yes, he looks like you but that doesn't mean... It doesn't mean I was projecting any sort of... of... of misdirected emotion or something at him. I mean- sure, on the surface, it may seem like it but-"

"What was he like, Anna?" Jim asked, taking another step closer to her. "Tell me about him."

"Jim, I swear, I didn't even see the resemblance until Trig mentioned it a few days ago," Anna said. She closed her eyes before opening them again to stare down at her hands. "But he was nothing like you. You are nothing like him."

"Yeah? Why don't you tell me about him then?"

Anna stayed silent for a moment, looking pained.

"Jim, you and I were friends," she said. "Please. Please don't ruin that. Don't turn it into something else, something it wasn't. I already said I was sorry for leaving you and I am. I regret leaving the way I did. I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry for that. But please don't take what we had and make it into-"

"Tell me."

She was almost within arm's reach now but she still didn't look up. Jim watched as she pressed her lips together, struggling with herself. He knew that Anna wasn't the best at introspection. Her personnel file vids proved that she was very good at turning a blind eye to her weaknesses. When someone hit too close to home, Anna lashed out with threats or physical violence. In fact, those were the only instances when she became truly destructive.

Her dependence on neurosuppressants, the personality changes... she had never truly learned how to work through her emotions so she used external resources to rein in her urges. The FI may have taught her how to use her anger or grief but they failed to teach her how to resolve them.

_Come on, sweetheart. You can do this._

_But if I'm wrong then..._

Jim couldn't think about that scenario. He wasn't wrong- he just knew it.

Daniel Gaines had dark brown hair, far darker than Jim's and his lips were less full. His eyes were a startling shade of blue and they were so bright and distinctive that they seemed to jump out from his photo. His face was a little thinner than Jim's but there was a sense of something in his expression that set him apart from the others, including the doctor that Jim noticed right away. There was something almost mischievous, almost like mirth, in his features. The shape of his jaw, his brow... it wasn't quite like looking into a mirror but the similarities were so obvious that only a blind man would have missed it.

_Or someone with a keen sense of self-denial. _

Jim had looked at Daniel and seen the man Anna had fallen in love with. He also saw the man who had somehow taken what should have been his rightful place all along.

_I came first, Anna. You have to see that._

"Okay," she said finally. She looked resigned and more than a little tired. "Okay, Jim. Dan was... he was smart. I mean, he was an FI officer so that's a given but he was _brilliant_. He had a gift for tactical strategy but he also knew every little thing about each planet's inhabitants we went to. Paloma used to hate that he was just as good at languages as she was. He was interested in medicine, in my work with Ven and he could keep up with me when I talked about our research. He was headstrong and tenacious; once he put his mind to something he just wouldn't give up. He was funny too... always cracking jokes and trying to make me laugh."

Anna's voice grew thick and Jim felt his heart sink when he realized that her eyes were filled with unshed tears. Her face was pink and flustered and she stared off to the side.

_No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean this._

"He used to do impressions of everyone on the team, even Bishop, that made me..." she said, in a voice that was almost a whisper. "He made me feel safe. I was the team lead so I couldn't admit that to anyone but I think he knew. He'd stay awake and wait for me when I had late night meetings, made sure I ate... He always knew what to say when... and he would look at me, _touch_ me, like I was the only... I thought it all meant he loved me. But he didn't. Not really."

"Anna."

She looked up at him finally and jerked back, startled at his close proximity. Jim grabbed her arm before she could move away and pulled her against him.

"He had your smile, Jim," Anna said, looking up at his face. She let out a choked laugh. "Is that what you wanted to know? The first time I saw him, he smiled at me and I thought..."

Jim didn't let her finish.

With his free hand, he cupped her cheek and bent down, closing his mouth over hers. She froze in his arms but he pressed against her, patient and gentle, soft and hot, until her lips parted. She seemed to melt against him when their tongues met and he kissed her in earnest, trying to will her to kiss him back, trying to make her move against him.

_Come on, come on. _

_Please._

And finally, _finally_, when she did, he couldn't help but groan. All rational thought fled. It was like a revelation, as if everything around him had disappeared and only _this _girl existed. He'd kissed others before and had been kissed before but this was the first and only one he'd ever truly wanted- after all, he'd waited years for this.

It was salty and wet from her tears, their teeth clicked together and their noses bumped against each other.

Jim thought it was absolutely fucking perfect.

He felt her fingers run through his hair and her hand settled on the back of his neck, stroking the sensitive skin there. He smiled against her mouth, relishing her touch and he pushed against her, needing to feel more.

They hit the wall and Jim realized that they had moved backwards but that was fine with him. He used his position to pin her in place, reaching down and putting his hands on her waist so that he could...

"Oh for fuck's sake, man! Don't you have any restraint?!"

For the first time since he'd known Leonard McCoy, Jim felt the irrational urge to punch him. Anna broke their kiss and her head hit the wall with a thump. Her eyes were dazed and glassy, still slightly red, and her lips were pink and wet. He could feel her shallow, quick breaths teasing him and he licked his lips, fighting the urge to bend down and kiss her again.

Instead he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. He felt his annoyance grow when she put her hands on his chest and tried to push him away.

He stayed right where he was, unwilling to move.

"Bones, I swear to God, if you don't walk out of here right now-"

"Jim, you big idiot! Do you really think this is-"

"Why are you here?" Jim said. It was almost painful, letting her go to look at Bones. What was even more painful was the fact that she shoved him away, forcing him to turn completely around.

McCoy's cheeks were flushed and his eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of his head.

"Anna's biomonitor went off," he said. "Her heart rate nearly doubled and her hormone levels..."

"Oh God, shut up, Doctor McCoy," Anna said and Jim almost laughed.

He glanced back and reached for her hand, pressing her fingers against his lips with a wink. He squeezed her hand lightly before looking back at McCoy.

"Bones, come on," Jim said. "You can see she's fine."

"Yeah, she's fine except for the horny parasite trying to suck down her face," McCoy said. He rubbed his hand over his eyes and shook his head. "Seriously Jim, what the hell were you-"

"Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room," Anna said, indignant. She pulled her hand back from Jim's grasp and stepped forward, crossing her arms.

"I didn't mean it to be rude," McCoy said, looking at her, flustered. "It's just Jim should know better."

"He should know better than to what?" Anna said slowly and to Jim's amusement, McCoy's cheeks turned an even darker shade of red.

"Than to take advantage of one of my patients!" McCoy spat out.

Anna's expression became nearly glacial.

"I see," she said. "Computer, set biocontainment field to normal settings."

The walls around them disappeared and to Jim's relief, he could see no one else in the medical bay.

"I'm going back to my quarters," Anna said and she threw Jim a dark glance that wiped the smile off his face. "Alone."

"Wait, we're not done," Jim said but she began to move towards the exit with long, determined strides. "Anna, don't go."

He hurried after her and tried to grab her arm but she shook him off. He glared at McCoy who looked as if he both wanted to sink into the floor and hit Jim over the head with his patient board.

"Anna, you can't walk through the ship without an escort," Jim said. She tried to shake him off once more but he wasn't about to let her slip away from him again. He pulled her backwards, turning her around to face him. "I'm walking you back to your room, no arguments."

"Jim, this was a bad idea," she said. She swallowed and looked back at McCoy, lowering her voice when she spoke next. "What happened just now-"

"Was ten years overdue and you know it," Jim said. He leaned forward and cupped her cheek again, pressing his mouth against her ear. "We're not done, not by a long shot. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to walk you back to your room. I'll give you fifteen minutes to do whatever you need to do and then I'm coming back for you. We're going to have dinner and we're going to talk. You're not going to push me away and I'm not leaving until I say what I need to say."

Anna shivered against him and he cheered inside, knowing that he'd won a small battle.

"Fine," she said, stepping back. She pulled back her arm again but he only tightened his grip. "I said okay."

"I heard you," Jim said. "But I'm still not letting go."

Anna huffed but stopped struggling and Jim smiled. He looked back at McCoy.

"Bones, if she needs medical attention I'll comm you, you got that?" he said firmly. He narrowed his eyes. "I don't care if her heart rate increases or her hormone levels-"

"Shut up, Jimmy. Just shut up."

"Damn it, Jim!"

###


	22. Chapter 18

**AN-** Still don't own Star Trek. Shame, that.

So this was a hard chapter to write and not just because I'm traveling and working and about to head into vacation all at the same time. In the end, I decided it would be best to be less explicit and letting you all read between the lines. So if you get to the end and wonder, "Are they going to..?" the answer is _maybe yes, maybe no_.

Let me know what you think and as always, thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this story or leave a review... or both.

Happy holidays to all!

**Chapter 18**

"Colonel, Commander Tanz here to see you."

Anna looked up from the file she'd been reading and eyed her desk screen. Her assistant, a young cadet, looked adoringly back at her and Anna bit back a sigh. She had yet to find an assistant from the pool of recent cadets that didn't have the same starry-eyed look of wonder whenever they spoke with her or any member of Tabernacle.

She nodded at the screen.

"Thank you," she said. She pressed a key on the PADD and locked all files from view. "Send her in."

Paloma Tanz, tall, blond and willowy, stepped into the room dressed in her black uniform. Her pale face and hair seemed to float above the severe fit of the Federation Intelligence-issued button up. Her tight skirt, though stopping at a modest inch above the knee, was as wrinkle-free and perfect as the rest of her.

Anna gestured to the chair in front of her desk but instead of taking a seat, Paloma stood at attention with her hand up in a stiff salute. Anna leaned back in her chair and studied Paloma for a moment. She showed no surprise at Paloma's uncharacteristic adherence to command structure in an informal setting.

"At ease," she said finally. "Please Commander, have a seat."

Paloma's hand lowered and she sat down, crossing her long legs.

"Permission to speak freely, Colonel," Paloma said.

"Granted," Anna said. "I'd like to know what I owe for the sudden paragon of professionalism you've become."

She folded her hands on her desk and gazed at Paloma serenely. The other woman stared back at her with a blank, polite gaze but Anna was not fooled. She could see the simmering anger in Paloma's black eyes. Fortunately, Anna was a student of General Bishop's "stare 'em down as long as it takes" school of interrogation and so she waited.

And Anna was patient by nature anyway. She knew Paloma would break first.

She was right.

"I can't believe you're going along with all of this!" Paloma exclaimed. "This is your team, Bishop's team, not General Shio's! How could you agree to have him choose your First Officer?"

Anna remained unruffled. She'd been expecting an outburst and was pleasantly surprised at how long it had taken Paloma to come to her.

"It was the only way to keep the rest of Tabernacle untouched."

"I know that but, still! Shio had no right-"

"After our last mission, Starfleet wants to make sure there's someone on the team that follows protocol," Anna said. She paused and allowed herself to smile slightly. "Or at least attempt to look as if they do."

"We follow protocol," Paloma spat out.

Anna tilted her head to the side. Paloma huffed.

"When we can," she said, sounding slightly deflated. "But we completed Project Vesper successfully, met the objectives and there was no loss of life. What more do they want from us?"

Anna sighed.

"Paloma, have you perhaps considered that Starfleet might be concerned over the fact we contaminated the food supply of the Teah-tha and used untested, field-created mind controlling agents on the royal family?" Anna said. "I've received reports that the Prince is still terrified of shadows. His Royal Highness complains that demons are out to get him. Black demons that can fly and carry beams of light."

"So?"

"The demons have silver halos tattooed on their chests," Anna said. "Sound familiar?"

Paloma's cheeks flushed. "It was the only way to get the information Starfleet itself requested," she said. "Those ungrateful bastards- we get them what they ask for and they-"

"Paloma, Major Gaines _is_ Starfleet Intelligence," Anna said. "He's one of us. All in all, it could have been worse. They could have chosen someone from Starfleet major to join our team and that would have been disaster."

Paloma's face shifted and she slumped down in her chair. Anna wanted to laugh but remained serious. Out of the team, Paloma was the most prone to outbursts and Anna genuinely loved her for it. Most of the time, Paloma only said what Anna was thinking. She was glad she didn't have to rein her in much- in public, the other woman was as stoic and unfailingly loyal as the rest of them. Though Trig was her security officer, he often joked that Paloma was her bodyguard. To some extent, he was right. Paloma could complain to Anna all she wanted but _no one_ was allowed to answer back to Anna when Paloma was present.

"I did all I could, Paloma," Anna said in a softer voice. "But I would rather add to the team than take away. And all of your concerns are ones which I've already voiced to the Council. This seemed the best course of action."

"I know," Paloma said. "It's just... General Shio is a slimy bastard!"

"You're lucky I take down my surveillance shields whenever you're here," Anna said dryly and Paloma's mouth twitched in an almost smile. "And I've heard worse things said about me. Regarding Shio, I'll only say that Bishop is not blind. Besides, as the official liaison between Starfleet and the intelligence branch, Shio is under scrutiny himself."

"How _much_ scrutiny?" Paloma asked.

"Much more than I can say," Anna said. "While Shio knows that any and all reports he makes to Starfleet are being screened, he does not know about the bugs we've placed in his private comms lines."

Paloma's face lightened.

"His son is quite ill by the way," Anna said. She glanced at the PADD that she had shut down before Paloma stepped in. "He has a very rare variant of Clarke's disease. Incurable and much more aggressive than the original. He has only a few years left, which for a five year-old isn't much time. Genetic screening has also shown the disease to be present in his yet-unborn child. He and his wife are rather upset but they are planning to continue on with the pregnancy."

Anna paused, considering. "It's an interesting case study."

"What a shame," Paloma said. She sat up. "I don't suppose something can be done in time to save both children?"

"What a coincidence that would be, hm?" Anna said. She looked up at Paloma. "Ven's already synthesized the cure. It's only a matter of time until Shio tries to enforce Starfleet's will on us again."

Paloma grinned.

Though he didn't know it, Shio's doctors were on the FI payroll. If Shio decided to be stubborn the next time and not bend to the FI's will, then she would have Ven give the cure to Shio's doctors anyway. They were already supplying them with the painkillers and specially engineered supplements that they created for the Clarke variant. They could find another way to corner Shio without causing his children to suffer.

In any case, Shio would owe her. The truth was that he already did- he just didn't know it yet.

"Well, that's Shio. What about Gaines?" Paloma said.

Anna frowned. "What about Gaines?" she asked. "Did you sense something off about him?"

Paloma nodded.

"He's cloaked himself quite effectively," she said. "Which I guess makes sense if he's worked undercover for years. But there's just something not right about the Major. I can't put my finger on it but his emotions read like shapes through an opaque wall. I know they're there but I can't make them out."

"Until you can give me something definitive, we'll have to accept him into Tabernacle," Anna said firmly. "It's not a permanent arrangement but we will have to make due until I can get him re-assigned."

"Do you know him?" Paloma asked suddenly. She looked as if she had wanted to ask the question for awhile and Anna was a bit taken aback at her tone. "I got the funniest feeling from you when he walked through the room. Like... it was like..."

Paloma grew silent and Anna could tell she was uncomfortable. Odd, since there was rarely anything Paloma was uncomfortable with sharing with her.

"The first time I met Daniel was this morning," Anna said. "With you and the rest of the team."

Paloma nodded as if she had expected this but the strained expression did not go away.

"It just felt like you knew him," Paloma said. "I sensed recognition and something else."

Paloma fell silent again and frowned.

"What else?" Anna prompted her but Paloma only looked away.

As a half-Betazoid, she knew what each member of her team was feeling. Of course, they had been taught to shield themselves from beings with similar abilities but they didn't bother doing so with Paloma. Anna thought it deepened the already close connections they had with one other and they all left themselves open to Paloma.

Sometimes though, Paloma's abilities tapped into emotions that ran deep- feelings that couldn't be expressed in words and were too private, too personal to really share. For all her brash outspokenness, Paloma was a tight-lipped reservoir of Tabernacle's deepest, darkest secrets. Anna trusted her counsel because she was used to denying her own emotions. Sometimes she felt out of touch with herself... though she'd never admit it out loud. Paloma seemed to know this and from time to time, hold up the metaphorical mirror for Anna to see herself clearly.

"Paloma, what else did you sense from me?"

"You like him," Paloma said, with a half smile. "He reminded you of something good. Safe. He inspired trust but I don't know why since you hadn't met him before today. Before this morning, every time someone would say his name you'd get irritated. But that's not the case now."

Anna shrugged.

"I do remember feeling an inclination towards him," she said. "I think he's a good addition to our team, according to his file anyway. Aside from the fact that he'll report everything we do to Shio, I think he'll be useful to us in the long run."

"No, I mean, you _like_ him," Paloma said. She looked at Anna pointedly and Anna raised her eyebrow. "I haven't sensed something like that from you before, aside from-"

"I didn't fail to notice that he was attractive, if that's what you're getting at," Anna said, cutting her off. "You know what our requirements are."

"Well, yes," Paloma said. "But it's not the same. What you felt... it was different. I can't explain it."

"Paloma, it could be possible that your own animosity towards Daniel is affecting the way you're reading me," Anna said. "But I trust your judgment. I know you're concerned but I just need something more concrete in order to act. If it will help, I'll grant you clearance to Daniel's historical file. You could cross-reference his missions with our own. Perhaps our paths have crossed before and I don't remember."

Paloma looked uncertain but she nodded. Anna knew that it was unlikely she had forgotten meeting Daniel before but if it gave Paloma some peace of mind and a sense of a control, then she saw no harm in letting her conduct her own investigation.

_And perhaps I should run a line on him as well. One that Bishop doesn't need to know about._

"Well, thanks for your time, Colonel," Paloma said. She looked as if she wanted to say something else but stopped. "Permission to leave."

Anna smiled. "You're dismissed, Commander."

Paloma stood up and made her way towards the exit but she stopped and turned around before the doors opened. Anna looked back at her expectantly. She knew that Paloma wasn't done speaking and had expected the move.

"I'll be keeping an eye on him," Paloma said. "Just so you know."

"I wouldn't have expected anything less," Anna said seriously.

Paloma smiled and nodded. "Are we still on for tonight?"

"Yes, but I'll be late so go ahead and order when you get there. Wouldn't want to have the team starve without me," Anna said, gesturing to the stack of tablets on her desk. Paloma raised an eyebrow with a smirk and then walked out of the room.

Anna stared at the closed door for a beat after her departure and then mentally shrugged. She re-opened the file she'd been reading before the meeting and began to read where she left off.

###

That had been over a year ago.

Now Anna stared at the view of the stars from her darkened room as she sat on the floor. Jim had just walked her to her quarters with a promise that he'd be back and her stomach churned with unease at the thought of his return. She had leaned on the wall as the doors closed and slid down to the floor with her knees drawn to her chest, in an almost daze.

She thought about that conversation with Paloma now, long forgotten because it hadn't seemed important to her at the time, and wondered how she could have dismissed Paloma's concerns. She had chalked it up to Paloma's inherent distrust of outsiders but now she wondered if there hadn't been something more at work on a deeper level.

_I didn't want to believe her. She was trying to show me the truth and I ignored her._

And then-

_I should get up. He'll be back soon. _

And then-

_I'm a mess. _

As she watched the stars pass, Anna wondered vaguely how long she'd been lying to herself.

###

"Anna?"

Jim looked around her dimly lit anteroom for a moment, confused. He'd changed and ordered dinner to be sent to her quarters in an hour, but as he moved further into the room, it seemed that she was no where to be found. He glanced into the bedroom but her sheets were untouched and he was just about to ask the computer for her location when he heard her voice.

"What do you want from me?"

He turned around, eyes scanning the room and found her sitting on the floor behind him, leaning against the wall next to the door. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and it looked as if she hadn't changed since he last saw her.

For a moment he faltered. It was a loaded question and he wasn't entirely sure what to say. His earlier confidence had faded and now that he had had time to really think about his actions, he was so nervous he felt light-headed. He knew that he had no authority to wield here. He felt as if he were entering into negotiations of the worst sort- this was personal.

And as usual when he was agitated, Jim's mouth ran away with him.

"I've been told that I'm good a kisser but this is the first time I've ever knocked someone off-"

_Shitshitshitshitshutup_

"If you're going to make this out to be some kind of joke, then you might as well leave," Anna said. She looked past him, at the view. "I have enough to worry about as it is without you making fun of me."

"I wasn't making fun of you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. He suddenly felt hot and itchy and regretted his choice to wear a sweater. "I'm sorry. I just-"

"We could pretend it never happened," Anna said. Her expression was almost hopeful as she turned back to him. "It would make things easier."

"And when did I ever want easy?" Jim asked honestly.

Her eyes narrowed and she studied him, her face closing off. Jim looked back down at her calmly, belying his inner state, and something inside of him eased when she smiled slightly. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he moved towards Anna and sat down on the floor beside her, stretching his legs out as he leaned on the wall.

"Lights, sixty percent," he called out and the room slowly brightened.

"What do you want from me, Jim?" she asked again.

"Can't you guess?" he asked, only half joking. "It isn't that hard to figure out, is it?"

This time, Anna didn't smile at him and her face seemed almost ashen in the light.

"Jim, there was nothing about you in Daniel," Anna said.

"No?" Jim said. He licked his lips and angled himself so that he faced her. "Anna, don't lie to me and say that there wasn't some part of you that looked at him and saw-"

"You?" Anna said. She shook her head and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall as if she were tired. "Did you think that Daniel was just a stand-in or a prop for you? I'm not too fond of the implication that I would fall in love with anyone simply because they reminded me of you, as if I were that superficial. Can your ego get any bigger?"

"I'm not that much of a jackass to consider you being in love with me nothing more than an ego trip," Jim said, stung.

Anna opened her eyes, startled. "Is that really what you thought I-"

"No, of course not," Jim said quickly. His cheeks burned and he wanted very badly to get out, get away right then. For all the superlatives he had heard about himself- brave, courageous, fearless... he knew at that moment he was the furthest thing from those descriptions. He wiped his hands on his thighs and made to stand up.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate that what you felt for him wasn't real," he said quietly. "I should just-"

Anna reached out for him, looking into his face in confusion. Her skin was cold as she touched him and instinctively he curled his fingers around hers in a tight grip.

"Jim, this isn't about me, is it?" she said. "I mean it is but it's not."

Jim shook his head slowly.

"Then tell me," Anna said. "You said you wanted to talk, so talk. You said it was ten years overdue but I know you didn't mean just that kiss. And now you want to run away. I won't understand what you want until you tell me."

Jim felt numb. His physical body seemed miles away. Part of him thought that he was having the first non-trauma and non-hallucinogenic induced conscious out of body experience.

_Bones would want to document this. Jim Kirk struck speechless. He'd want to alert Starfleet Medical._

He supposed that he had always known it would come to this, though he'd avoided saying or doing anything of the like with anyone else he had been with. He felt both terrified and exhilarated, like the first time he'd ever gone on an atmo-dive. Except there had been no feelings of dread then, no tightness in his chest to deal with. He had instructions to fall back on and a plan of action.

This... this was nothing compared to that.

"So I think..." Jim said but the words seem to catch in his throat. He coughed and took a deep breath.

"I think that was my cue to tell you that I've been in love with you since I was about eight or so. Maybe nine. Things get a little fuzzy before ten, you know?"

It seemed impossible but her eyes grew larger. Her grip loosened but he held on even tighter, afraid that if he let her go, he'd lose her again somehow.

"I loved you before I knew what something like that could do," Jim said. He had to keep talking because Anna wasn't and he couldn't bear the silence. "Before I truly realized what it could do to a person. You know how well my mom held up after my dad died. Great example of the power of love, right? Hell, even if I did understand it back then, I couldn't have stopped myself from... But you were the first real friend I had. And the first girl I ever really saw."

Anna said nothing. It was as if Jim couldn't stop speaking.

"I made plans. Back then, I mean. I didn't tell you because... Well. I thought we had time but we didn't," he said. "And I'm not saying that I spent the past decade pining over something we never had or that what I feel for you now is as intense as it was back then. It's just that I thought I was done with you, Anna. Especially because you made it clear that you were done with me but now here you are. And here I am. And I don't think we're done."

He let out a shaky breath.

"I mean, to be fair I don't think we ever even got started."

Jim stopped- he had finally run out of things to say and it was Anna's turn. He waited for her say something, to _do_ something but she only looked at him as if he spoke a language she couldn't understand.

"Anna?"

His voice sounded faint. Jim didn't look away from her, unwilling to show how truly vulnerable he felt. It had been a long time since he had trouble meeting someone's eye.

"Anna, say something," Jim said, forcing himself to sound firm and strong.

"I don't really know what to say, Jim," Anna said. She looked as uncertain and _raw_ as he felt. "You have the worst timing of anyone I know."

Jim felt his heart sink but he forced himself to smile. Because really, what else could he do?

"You do know that there are people who'd disagree with you," he said.

"The whole 'saving Earth' thing again?" she said.

"I get the feeling that it'll take more than that to impress you."

"You can start by climbing the highest tree in the neighborhood," Anna said, smiling back at him. It was a tentative, almost shy look.

"Always knew you were high maintenance," Jim said.

He finally looked down, feeling a headache coming on. He thought he understood what she was doing. It was obvious she didn't feel the same and probably hadn't ever seen him as anything more than just a friend. In fact, it was _painfully_ obvious that she was so uncomfortable with the idea that she felt the need to make light of it.

_Should have known. I shouldn't have said anything._

As soon as he'd said the words, he regretted them- not because they weren't true but because he knew that some things weren't meant for him to have. It was a lesson he'd learned young, when he first turned a hopeful eye on Frank the time his mother had introduced him and Sam to their new soon-to-be-step father and years later, when he watched Anna and her dad playing out on their lawn with a hungry, jealous gaze. He could have a mom, but not a dad, a brother but not a protector, a house but not a family. He could pass all the tests, turn in the best reports or pose the most compelling arguments but not earn the respect of his peers.

And he could have the best friend, he could even have her return to him after years apart, but he could not have her heart.

"Well, that was me," he said, letting out a short, sharp laugh. "I've said what I needed to say."

"Don't laugh it off. Please don't make light of it," Anna said. She leaned forward and placed her hand over his chest, above his heart. "It's just that I _can't_, Jim. When I'm back with my team, there are things about me that I won't be able to help. Ven, he has to... and I have to..."

She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"What you want, I don't know if I can give to you," Anna said and to her credit, it sounded as if she meant it.

"But you tried with Daniel," Jim said. "You tried with him but you won't now. Not with me. It's fine. I get it."

Anna fell silent again. She looked frustrated, as if she wanted to say something more but held her peace.

"Let me ask you this then," he said. "Was there ever a time when you thought we might have had something more? When we could have been more than just friends?"

Anna stared at him for a long time, looking uncertain and oddly frightened. Jim expected her to shake her head or let him down gently or even change the subject- what he wasn't expecting was for her to clutch his sweater and pull him towards her.

And the least of all he expected was for her to press her mouth against his in a soft kiss.

This time he was the one who froze, still against her lips. He didn't think it was possible to feel happy and defeated at the same time.

_This can't be real. It can't be real._

_...I want this so much..._

Her lips parted and she seemed to sigh into him, her hand reaching up to touch his cheek gently. The cool touch of her fingertips against his jaw woke up the part of him that realized he wasn't responding the way he should have.

Jim usually threw himself into most situations headfirst, without a second thought about consequences. Even though he had matured over the years that part of him remained the same. But right now, his instincts told him to slow down and savor the moment. There were a lot of variables involved that made him uneasy but Anna had made the first move this time around- it was her ship to navigate now.

He kissed her back but she took the lead and he could feel her restraint and her fear. Underneath it all, he could tell she _wanted _him. In the medical bay, he'd kissed her with all the pent up passion he had inside; now, she seemed to pour her insecurities into something sweet and almost heartbreaking.

But something must have gotten lost in translation because she pulled back, looking into his eyes with a frown on her lips.

"If this was all I could give you, would you take it?" Anna asked.

Jim blinked, leaning back a bit- but not far enough that she had to let go of him- and shook his head.

"I don't understand," he said. "If I had only had this kiss..."

"No, Jim," Anna said. "If I could only give you this one night and everything you think that means. Would you accept it?"

And then it clicked for him. She was offering herself once to him but with restrictions.

"You can't be serious, Anna," Jim said. He felt as if someone had thrown him into a lake of freezing water. Outrage, bright and clear began to grow inside of him.

"You're saying you'd fuck me once just to placate me and-"

"James, damn it, listen to me," she said. "Really listen. This is _all_ I can give you and you have a choice. But that's it. There's nothing more I can do, nothing more I can offer you than this."

"That's such bullshit, Anna, and you know it," Jim said angrily. "Don't make this out to be some clichéd tragic romance. One night? And then what? You expect us to go on our separate ways and just act as if-"

"If you don't want me, then that's fine," Anna said. She let go of his sweater and pulled her other hand away from his grasp. "We're adults now, Jim. I'm sure you can deal with the aftermath."

"It's not that, Anna," he said. "I don't want just one night. I want more."

"I know," she said sadly. She leaned back against the wall and shrugged. "But I can't give you more than that."

"You can't or you won't?"

"I can't," Anna said. She looked resigned. "And I won't. It's better this way, I suppose."

"It's not," Jim said bitterly.

Disappointment made him grit his teeth and clench his jaw but he could do nothing else. What she was offering him wasn't a real choice and he knew it. Anna _could_ give him more but she was choosing not to and using his own desire against him. She knew what he wanted from her and would only give it to him at too high a price.

_Have a taste but that's all you can have. _

Jim couldn't imagine what it would be like, to know what it felt like to be with her, and then to have to walk away from it as if it'd never happened. He could have everything he had ever wanted from Anna if he'd only let her go.

_Not fair. This isn't fair._

"I would rather walk away from you now then take what you're offering," he said. The words were hard to say but he pushed them out anyway. "It wouldn't be worth it otherwise."

Anna nodded and looked away and they both sat in silence for a long time.

There was nothing left to say.

###

Anna couldn't sleep.

She lay on her side on the bed, with her eyes shut, letting the hum of the Enterprise lull her into an almost-peaceful state. Though she wasn't the type to daydream, she found herself imagining what her life would have been like if she hadn't joined the FI. If she had stayed with Jim in Riverside.

_We wouldn't have lived for that much longer, _Anna thought but pushed it aside.

What if things had gone on, life as it always had? What if she'd thrown away the card Bishop had given her after their first meeting? Where would they be now?

_He never would have been happy there. Not for long anyway._

No matter how long Jim said he had loved her, Anna knew she wouldn't have been enough for him. It was a revelation for him to admit he did and she could see that Jim thought he meant it but Anna knew better. He would have gotten tired of her eventually and perhaps she would have grown to hate him for keeping her by his side. Children love fiercely and without hesitation. As they grew up and became adults, they would have grown apart as well.

_Perhaps._

Or maybe... maybe they would have somehow created their own sort of happiness with each other. Maybe it would have been like the life they had once built up in their imaginations. A small life, yes, but a happy one. Maybe he would have had a dog and she would have lived in a house with an old fashioned white picket fence. Maybe he would have become a shipyard engineer and she would have followed in her parents' footsteps and become a doctor. Maybe love would have been part of that future. He wouldn't have been Captain Kirk and she wouldn't have become the person she was now- and it would have been okay.

_Perhaps._

Anna pulled the blanket up to her chin and shivered. She was so cold all the time now but this feeling of loss, of loneliness and uncertainty, was worse than any physical discomfort. She felt empty and apart from everything, set adrift with no landmarks to guide her back to herself. She needed Paloma to tell her what she felt, needed Ven to help her regain control of herself.

_Tomorrow things will be better. _

_Tomorrow everything will be okay again._

Dinner with Jim had been a quiet, tense affair and Anna had given up the pretense of eating. She wasn't hungry, hadn't really been for days and she was done with pretending to be. She picked at her food, pushing aside morsels with her fork distractedly. Jim had scolded her a few times but she could tell he just wanted to go. Anna figured she was doing him a favor by refusing to eat anymore and he had nearly tripped over himself in a rush to leave her quarters when the ensign had come to gather their dishes.

_He made the right choice, just like I knew he would._

So Jim loved her. So what? She had loved Daniel and look where that had gotten her. Anna let out a soft breath and hugged herself tightly. She had done the right thing in the end and she should have been happy with the result. She was free from responsibility because Jim had been the one to turn her away. Though Anna knew he resented her for it now, he'd eventually recognize it for the gift it was.

Finally, the first tendrils of sleep seem to come which was why she thought it was a dream when she heard the chirrup of the door, announcing a visitor.

She sat up, quickly realizing the sound was based in reality. Someone entered her quarters and for a moment, she only saw a vague silhouette before her eyes adjusted to the dim light.

But Anna knew who it was already and she wondered if a part of her had known he would come back. Or maybe it had just been hope.

She was no longer sure about anything anymore.

Jim stood at the foot of her bed, staring at her with an intense gaze. He looked as if he had spent the past few hours tossing and turning in bed; his thick blond hair was ruffled and his thin shirt was twisted in odd places around his torso. His loose pants hung low on his hips and his shoulders were tense.

Anna was overwhelmed with desire, with _want._

_"Was there ever a time when you thought we might have had something more? When we could have been more than just friends?"_

_Maybe yes. Maybe no. _

"I lied," Jim said quietly. She stared as he licked his lips.

"Did you?" she said.

"If this is all you can give me..."

"It is."

"I'll take it but I want more," Jim said. "And I won't stop until I get what I want."

Anna shook her head. "No more than this, Jim. I'm yours if you'll have me but no more than this."

"And I want this. I want _you_. More than anyone I've ever wanted," he said. His voice was rough and low and dangerous and his words sounded like a threat. And he _was_ warning her, she could understand that much. "I meant what I said earlier. About how I feel. But you have to understand that I didn't get to where I am now by taking no for an answer. It's not who I am and it's not who I've ever been."

"I know."

He seemed to falter a bit before visibly gathering himself once more.

"So. I want more, Anna."

She swallowed, gathering up her courage. She was asking for trouble, practically inviting it in with open arms.

Anna looked into his eyes and held out her hand, palm up.

"Show me."

###


	23. Chapter 19

**AN-** Still don't own Star Trek. Shame, that.

Quoting from Poltergeist: "They're heeeere!"

I'm sure by now you fine folks understand that certain scenes are taken from different people's point of view. I should say that just because a character thinks something or notices something, it's not necessarily the _truth- _it's simply their perception of what's happening around them.

Also, I'm aware that Bones!Prime had a daughter. According to Memory Alpha, some events in the prime universe predate the point of divergence to the alternate reality in the movie. Be that as it may, Leonard was six when the Kelvin was attacked so I'm going with the (self made) theory that his life was altered from the prime universe, but perhaps not in the major way Jim's life was. I just don't see Bones!Prime stumbling onto a shuttle drunk... so in conclusion, McCoy in this story is childless.

Finally, I'm sorry this was posted so late. Just a warning that I'll be traveling a lot until about mid-March. I will try to write/post as much as I can but please be patient!

**Chapter 19**

The bed was shaking.

Ordinarily, this would have brought her to her feet without a second thought but this time Anna kept her eyes closed and forced herself not to open them. She was too warm, too comfortable to be bothered by something as insignificant as her bed shaking.

She hugged the pillow she'd been holding tighter against her chest and pressed her face against it. She lay on her side on a soft bed and that was all she wanted to know for now. Some dim part of her mind thought_, Maybe if I curl up in a little ball, I won't feel it shake so much._

Ridiculous, but that didn't make the hope lessen.

"Come on, sweetheart. Wake up."

She realized then that her bed wasn't shaking. The hand on her shoulder was shaking her.

"G'way," she mumbled. "S'tooearly."

"Yes it is and you can go back to sleep but I start shift soon."

A pause and the hand at her shoulder moved. She felt warm fingertips on her cheek, tracing patterns there and she uncurled slightly.

"I'm not leaving without saying good-bye."

Anna opened her eyes.

_Jim._

Fractured moments from the night before flooded her mind and she held herself very carefully, very still. She remembered words passing between them and the tentative, shy, passionate caresses and kisses. She felt her heart pounding in her chest as she took stock of her body and the new aches and sore places. She'd definitely have bruises.

Anna moved slightly and realized with no small amount of relief that she was wearing a shirt.

_Thank goodness for small favors._

"Hey, I can hear you thinking," Jim said.

She felt a weight press down on her and she turned to lie on her back. Jim's face, golden and happy, loomed above her and she felt him settle his elbows at her sides. She was pinned down but his weight was comfortable, comforting even. There was no point in being shy or coy; she figured they'd seen enough of each other to be passed that. Despite the fact that she had gotten sleep, she felt weak and lethargic. Anna couldn't muster up enough energy to push him off nor did she even want to. What was done was done.

_No regrets. Not with you. _

She studied him for a brief moment and reached up to touch his face. His hair was damp, his skin was smooth and he smelled fresh; he was already in his uniform. It might have been her imagination but there were fewer lines around his eyes and his smile seemed brighter, wider than it had before.

"Shaved and showered," she said. She felt a faint niggling worry at the pit of her stomach.

"I didn't wake up?"

"You slept like a log," Jim said, grinning. "Snuck out earlier to grab my stuff and even sang in your shower. You stayed in the same position the entire time."

The worry grew but she stayed calm. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, I guess something must have you worn you out," he said. His sweet grin turned wolfish. "I wonder what it could have been."

"Down, boy," Anna muttered and he laughed.

She pushed against him weakly and he moved back, giving her space to sit up. For a moment, she almost fell back- she was suddenly lightheaded and the room spun around her.

"Hey," Jim said. His strong hands pulled her forward against his chest and she blinked rapidly, trying to get her bearings. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said. She closed her eyes briefly and then leaned back to look at Jim. "Just sat up too quickly, that's all."

Jim's smile faded slightly. He cupped her cheek again and she could see his expression growing dark.

"You get paler and paler everyday," he said quietly. "Don't think I haven't noticed."

"Ven will take care of it," Anna said. Jim looked as if he wanted to say something but kept quiet. "When do we reach star base Gamma?"

"At approximately fifteen hundred today," he said. He gave her a crooked, not-quite smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Though Sulu's pretty good. We might even get there early."

Jim wasn't happy about it. She hated to ruin his mood, hated seeing his eyes harden but there was no other way around it. Once she was reunited with Tabernacle, there would be no other opportunity for them to clear the air.

"Jim," she said. "I meant what I said last night. This is all we can have. We can't-"

"Don't say that. Don't say we _can't_ because nothing has to end here," Jim said firmly. "I know last night meant something to you so you can stop with the martyr act. You _can_ have this, you don't have to give it up. I understand that you have your orders and that we have to be who we are out there but afterwards-"

"You might not want to be with me afterwards," Anna said. "Listen, I'm not saying we'll never see each other again-"

"Yeah, you are," Jim said. He drew back further, his face growing stormy with each second. "I've perfected the morning after speech so spare me the lines. I know what you're doing-"

"Good, because I don't," Anna said, cutting him off. Jim seemed surprised and he closed his mouth with an audible shut. "Unlike you, I've never had to say the words."

"You clearly have a high opinion of me so don't hold back or anything," Jim said wryly.

"Stop it," Anna said. She took his hand and squeezed it. "I don't know what I'm doing with you and it scares me but I don't regret what we did. I just don't want you to force us into making a hasty decision. We both have to deal with things that are more important and once they're dealt with then... then we can focus on whatever this is between us."

"Whatever this is?" Jim repeated. "So you admit that this is something and not just a one off?"

Anna leaned forward and kissed him, morning breath be damned. For a moment, his mouth stayed closed, unyielding. He was angry at her and she didn't want him to be. He could be angry with her later but right now, she wanted him to know how she felt. He deserved it; her Jim should be loved and should know he was loved. She would protect him as much as she could, for as long as she could.

_I'm going to do horrible things and you'll change your mind, I know you will._

"Why won't you just accept what I can give you? Why do you always have to want more?" she said against his lips. "I love you, Jim. Please let that be enough."

Jim kissed her back then, grabbing the back of her neck and pushing her against him tightly. After several long minutes, he pulled back slightly with a final nip at her bottom lip.

"Did you really think I would have been satisfied this way?" he asked. "You know me better."

And she did. What she had done was given into her own impulsiveness and desires but now she had to face the consequences. She knew that Jim, who enjoyed twisting and turning things around until they suited his purposes, wouldn't settle for just a piece of what he wanted. He'd want the whole metaphorical cake if he thought it was for the best.

And the irony of it all was that she had picked up on that behavior. It was a part of him that she had incorporated into her own nature, woven into the fabric of her cloth- perhaps as a way to keep him close. And it was part of the reason why she'd been so successful thus far.

"You realize that this is the first time you said that to me," he said suddenly, looking pleased and shy at the same time. She shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts and snapped back to attention.

"Is it?"

His cheeks flushed but he didn't look away from her. "Yeah," he said. "In _that_ way. You know."

Anna wondered how many people had seen that look before- the boyish, vulnerable and hopeful expression on his face at that moment and she hoped, with a sudden twist in her chest, that she was the only one. She was surprised at how possessive and territorial she felt (_how many times had Jim tried to sneak off in the mornings with other people?)_ and she was ashamed. His past was not for her to judge or worry over and she had no claim over him, not really. All at once, she felt giddy and excited and terrified and-

_Did I feel this way towards Daniel? Was it the same?_

The thought sobered her quickly. Anna realized that she couldn't continue to keep a running tally on Jim and Daniel, their similarities and differences. It was simply too tangled a knot to unravel at the moment.

"You should go," Anna said. Jim's eyes narrowed and Anna offered him a slight smile. "Shift, remember? I don't want to be responsible for making the Captain late."

He chuckled and pressed his lips against the corner of her mouth.

"Of course not," he said. "Technically though, I have twenty minutes."

"Jim..." Anna began but he laughed and she felt the sound rumble through his chest into hers. It was nice to be this close to someone again

"Okay, fine, fine, no morning quickie," he said.

Anna swatted him on the arm. "Jim!"

"Look Anna, I'm scared too. Me too," Jim said, looking at her. "But I get that duty comes first so I'm fine with putting us aside for now as long as you admit that we're not finished_. _You're not just getting a free ride back after your mission. When I say that we'll figure out all the details I mean it."

"All the details?" Anna said. "What'd you have in mind, Jimmy? A contract? I, Anna Demerin, being of sound body and mind hereby commit to two holovids and three transmissions per week."

"Is that what I need to do to keep you this time?" he said. "Whip up a legally binding agreement?"

"No, of course not," Anna said. "But now you only have fifteen minutes."

Jim rubbed his cheek against hers and then sat up, beginning to move away. Though she didn't say it, the loss of his warmth was disconcerting and she was momentarily struck at how quickly she had gotten used to being so close to him. Or rather, at how easily she had gotten accustomed to their physical connection.

It made her uneasy because she wanted more.

"Take it easy today, okay?" Jim said as he stood up. "Get some more sleep or something and we can grab lunch later. I'll let you know when we're close to the base."

"Okay," Anna said. Something struck her then and she almost leapt out of the bed. Instead she grew still. "Is Doctor McCoy on schedule today?"

"Yeah, he's got Alpha like me," Jim said. He frowned, looking at Anna closely. "You want me to comm him? He'll swing by if you need him."

"No, I just wanted to make sure," Anna said. She knew she had to talk to McCoy as soon as she could, preferably without Jim and before reuniting with her team. She knew the first thing Ven would do once he saw how weak her and Trig had become was haul them into the medical bay for complete examinations. She would rather Ven _not_ have a reason to go after the Captain- and whatever Ven knew, Paloma would eventually find out. Though he had the softest heart out of the team, the most easily swayed to show compassion and mercy, Anna knew that he was not inclined to give an inch when it came to Anna's personal relationships.

And Ven could easily be just as cruel and cold as the rest of them.

_They all think they have to tip toe around the subject of Daniel._

_My own damn fault anyway._

Once again, Jim's voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Speaking of which, Bones is pretty excited about that program you wrote," Jim said. "And Scotty and Chekov- you remember him, the kid with the baby face on the bridge- are already tinkering with it; they both think we can apply the program to work on other areas of the ship like the recreational deck. Should make sparring more interesting if it works. You're still an awesome code jockey."

Anna blushed at the compliment and looked away, but she was pleased.

"Well, I'm off," Jim said, running his fingers through his hair. He hesitated and then leaned down, brushing his lips against hers again in a soft, sweet kiss. His voice was low and husky when he spoke next. "You know I'd keep you in this room until I could come back and then have my wicked way with you."

Anna rolled her eyes. "Get out of here already."

He laughed before standing up and making his way towards the outer room. Once she heard the doors open and close, Anna lay back down and stared up at the ceiling.

_It's going to be a long day._

###

"You want what?!"

McCoy glared at her but Anna looked back at him as if she didn't notice or care. He was again struck by her nerve but the majority of his thoughts were of dismay. She sat on a chair in his office looking uncomfortable but determined. With her hair neatly pulled back and her gray eyes clear and sharp, she was the embodiment of defiance.

_Goddammit, Jim, I'm going to wring your damn fool neck!_

"I require an emergency hormonal contraceptive," Anna said calmly. "Although a dermal barrier was used, I'm not confident that it held up after a certain point. The protection I did have was eliminated due to the transfusions I needed so I'd rather err on the side of caution. And also, I'd like to have my bio-sensor removed, if you wouldn't mind."

McCoy sighed and rubbed his eyes, putting his elbows on the desk in front of him and looking at her again. It was early in his shift and thankfully it looked to be another quiet morning since there were no planetside missions or any more engineering accidents in the past few hours. He'd been surprised but pleased when Anna came to see him- he'd wanted to get her take about his research on Parinisti measles but it soon became clear that her visit was not of the leisurely sort.

She asked if she could speak to him privately and he'd ushered her into his office, a feeling of dread beginning to pool in his stomach. He knew it had to do with Jim somehow and he'd been right.

"Tell me this is a joke," he muttered. "Tell me Jim put you up to this."

"This is no prank," Anna said stiffly. She considered him. "So are you saying no?"

"I wouldn't withhold an EHC from a patient," McCoy sighed. He straightened up and looked at her. "And I may as well tell you that there's no need to run any other sort of tests on you. Jim's been... pretty calm for the past year or so, much to everyone's surprise. As far as I know, he hasn't touched another-"

"You really don't have to tell me, Doctor," she said. Anna's cheeks grew pink but she raised her chin up even higher. "It's none of my business, as I'm sure you'd agree."

"No, I don't agree, which is why I'm saying it," McCoy said sharply. "Beyond patient-doctor privilege, I'm telling you this because Jim cares for you and since I don't half mind you myself, I think you have a right to know. Jim may have a reputation as a tomcat but Lord knows the boy doesn't do anything half way. If he's chased after you for this long then he wouldn't put you in danger just because he couldn't keep his dick in check for one night. Do you understand?"

The initial haughty veneer dropped and Anna looked stunned. He realized that perhaps she was more nervous than she seemed and that gave McCoy some comfort.

"I think so, Doctor."

"I thought I told you to call me Leonard?"

"Yes, you did," Anna said. She shook her head slightly and looked off to the side before meeting his gaze again with a slight smile. "Thank you, Leonard."

"You're welcome," McCoy said. "Now like I said, Jim's clean and I'm glad you came to me. Lord knows someone needs to be responsible in your relationship and I-"

"That's a big assumption. There is no relationship."

McCoy frowned. "You're telling me it was a one night stand?"

Anna opened her mouth and then closed it. She hesitated and McCoy decided to let her sweat it out a bit. He'd seen her readouts that night and had come close a few times to comm'ing her room but hadn't. Jim told him he would be in her quarters and McCoy really didn't want to interrupt... well, whatever it was that had Anna sneaking out of her quarters without an escort to see him.

"What I'm telling you is that I'll need an EHC," Anna said finally. She folded her hands in her lap almost primly and looked at him, regaining her composure. "Preferably within the next thirty minutes. I understand that class four EHCs leave traces in the system for only a few hours."

McCoy narrowed his eyes, a faint glimmer of understanding creeping into his thoughts. "You don't want your doctor to know, do you?"

Anna's expression didn't change but her mouth twitched slightly.

"Ven, or Doctor ven Christie rather, is quite protective over my health," Anna said. "The truth is, my team and I operate as a unit. Our next undertaking will be a challenge and I would prefer not to have a single distraction present for any member of my team."

"And your _non_-relationship with Jim would be a distraction?"

"Well, yes," Anna said. She paused and looked down, seeming to struggle with her next words. "Events in the recent past have led them to believe that certain situations are... let's say, detrimental to my well-being. Ven, being my primary physician, is especially sensitive to any events that... that are similar in nature to what took place in the past."

_You'd get the gold prize for using as many words possible to say nothing at all, Anna._

"Trig told me he'd hurt Jim if Jim hurt you," McCoy said bluntly, "and I got the feeling it was no idle threat."

McCoy felt satisfaction run through him at the surprised expression on her face. _Twice in less than five minutes,_ he thought_._ He liked her well enough but he was getting tired of her doublespeak.

"Trig _what_?"

"I didn't mumble. You heard me," McCoy said. "I get it. You're trying to protect Jim from your scary older brothers- and yes, I know that Ven stands for Venom, which is a hell of a nickname for someone in my profession. So tell you what, I'll give you a rapid release EHC, one of the receptor modulators with Nonoxynol, and you should be able to fly under the radar."

"And in return?" Anna said.

"No more making out in my medical bay," he said. "And you keep your albino bodyguard and poison-happy doctor away from Jim when they find out what you two have been up to. I mean, really- _Venom_? For a _doctor_? I thought Bones was bad enough."

Anna leaned back in her chair, smiling widely at McCoy.

"Deal," she said. She regarded McCoy with a look of genuine fondness. "The past few days have been interesting, to say the least. You're a credit to your field, Leonard. If I could steal you away from Starfleet I would but I know you're a man of strong loyalties. I'm glad our paths have crossed."

McCoy flushed and cleared his throat, looking down and tugging at his sleeves.

"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself," he said. A thought struck him and he frowned. "Now why do I get the feeling that you're saying good-bye?"

Anna's face grew a bit serious but the faint smile lingered on her lips, Sphinx-like.

"Tell me Anna, what exactly is _Ven_ going to do once he gets his hands on you and Trig?" McCoy asked. "I set up an area in my bay like you asked and you can inspect it later but why the cerebro-analyzer or the other imaging equipment?"

"I'm sure you have your suspicions as to what else will take place," Anna said. "Would it make any difference if I said that not knowing would be for your own good?"

"Hell no," McCoy snorted. "That's like dangling a string in front of a kitten."

"Somehow I can't picture you as a kitten," Anna said. She sighed and nodded at McCoy. "I didn't think it would put you off. I'll be as honest with you as I can. There's nothing about my personality that the FI or anyone else can change. But part of what we've done is make so it that we have a better grasp over certain aspects of our behavior like rein in impulses and emotional vulnerabilities. This requires some... tweaking. Ven's responsibility is to ensure that Trig and I, along with the rest of my team, perform at optimal levels."

She paused then, as if letting all that she _wasn't_ saying sink in.

"That being said once I'm with my team and we're on our way back to J-311, my mission will be my sole focus. I'll do everything in my power to make sure that our objectives are met and that my team succeeds."

"Sounds a bit ruthless," McCoy said evenly. "You _tweak_ yourselves so that nothing else matters except what you decide matters. And where does that leave Jim?"

"Anything other than my mission is not a priority," Anna said, answering his question in her own, evasive way, "and you may think it's ruthless but it's necessary. For the things we have to do, it's necessary. That's not to say that we're automatons or merely puppets. Like I said, our personalities- the essence of who we are can't be changed. But how we respond..."

"Can you feel?" McCoy asked. "Emotions, I mean. Does that get through?"

"Of course," Anna said, startled. "Look, we're still human. Just... in better control of ourselves. Our ability to focus is increased significantly. This is why I need a class four EHC. My team may not consider Jim an issue now but that doesn't mean he won't become one later. And we have very long memories."

She paused then and he noticed that her small, pale hands were curled into fists. Her expression though, remained carefully calm.

"I've said more than I should have," Anna said. "But you've had me and Trig at our weakest here for days and you didn't take advantage of that. There are Starfleet doctors who wouldn't have shown the same consideration that you have. So yes, this is good-bye since I probably won't have much time to spend with you in the next few days. "

Anna paused and it was less a hesitation than a punctuation. McCoy got the feeling that she was going to say something that she wanted him to consider, to really _listen_ to.

"I make it a point to return favors, especially ones that were unexpected and wholly unasked for."

McCoy held out his hand and shook his head. "I'm a goddamn doctor, Anna, did you think I would allow you and-"

"If you call on me for something, anything and everything, that's within my power to grant, you can consider it done. Whenever and without limitation."

McCoy raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, studying her for a few seconds. Anna was still smiling but it suddenly made McCoy uneasy. It seemed to be a smile that held back secrets and other things not meant for the light of day. He had no doubt that each word had been carefully weighed and measured to get her point across.

"If I asked you to make life miserable for a certain ex-wife of mine..." He started off with a joke, trying to shake off his discomfort.

_This is Anna at her weakest? She must be loads of fun at full strength._

"Jim told me you had an ex-wife but you don't have to tell me her name," Anna said. She looked almost bored but there was a distinctive gleam in her eye as she spoke next.

"No one would be able to trace anything back to you."

With not a small amount of horror, McCoy saw that Anna was serious.

"She may be a royal pain in my ass but don't you touch a hair on her head!" McCoy said quickly and Anna laughed. "It was just an example."

"I got that," Anna said and the creepy, vaguely insidious air about her disappeared as suddenly as it had come. "Also, I'm sorry if Trig threatened Jim. I'll make sure to have a chat with him in a bit."

"I'm not saying I think it's right," McCoy said. "And I told your damn security officer if he even looked at Jim cross-eyed I'd whup his ass but if I had a sister or a daughter? I wouldn't bother with verbal threats."

"Let me guess. A shotgun on the front porch?" Anna said. "I think by now you know that I'm the least likely to need help defending myself. In any situation."

"That's just the thing," McCoy said. "I don't think Trig considers you a weakling. He respects you and you're more than just his commanding officer, you're his friend. But I do believe that he's seen you hurt before and he'll do what he can in his power to make sure that it doesn't happen again."

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I'm pretty sick of talking about my ever-so-tragic past filled with heartbreak and woe," Anna said, amused. She tilted her head to the side. "Or the lack thereof. Anyway, I'm guessing you want to tell me that if I hurt Jim, I'll be watching my back for the rest of my life?"

"The rest of your _short_ life," McCoy said with a grin. He gestured to the door and stood up. "Now, let's make sure there are no little Kirks running around in a few months. Not until you're damn good and ready, anyway."

He laughed heartily at the look of utter disgust on Anna's face as they made their way towards the medical bay.

###

Anna was staring at him.

Normally, Jim would have preened but he was too agitated to do anything more than give her a strained smile. They were in the turbolift coming from a late lunch in Jim's quarters, on their way to pick up Trig and then head off to the transporter room.

In less than thirty minutes, Anna would be reunited with her team.

He'd had a briefing with his senior staff to go over what the next few days would look like: it would take three days to travel back to J-311 at warp and they would have to be as accommodating as possible to their guests during that time. Anna had put in several requests including the area in medical bay and time spent in the recreation deck and the holodeck. Jim had scheduled a meeting with Anna and her team for the following day with Uhura, Spock, Scotty and McCoy in attendance.

They were all aware of the information Pike had given them and McCoy and Spock had gone over probable psychological profiles for each member of her team and how to deal with them; they were in agreement that all members of Tabernacle were to be handled as hostile-neutrals. It was a classification usually given to newly discovered non-Federation species with unclear motives but clear violent tendencies. They were under no illusion that Anna and Trig would be as open and easy to work with as they had been the past week. In fact, McCoy had warned that they may soon be dealing with two very different, very aggressive personalities.

Jim noticed that both McCoy and Scotty in particular seemed unhappy about this. McCoy hid his feelings behind a gruff facade but Jim could see the dismay in his friend's eyes as he spoke about personality variables and chemical influences.

With their rooms set and surveillance in place, Jim knew that there was nothing left to do but face the FI head on. He was ready and yet he wasn't. In fact, Jim wanted nothing more than to stop and make time go in reverse. After all, if Ambassador Spock could travel to the future, who was to say that James T. Kirk couldn't make time move backwards?

Lunch that afternoon had been pleasant but quiet. Jim had gotten the impression that Anna was deep in thought and he had stopped speaking, stopped trying to force her to respond to him after a while. It wasn't that she was trying to be rude but he'd seen the distant look in her eyes as he rambled on about nothing of importance and decided to let things be.

The silence hadn't been uncomfortable... but it had disappointed him.

_I shouldn't take it personally._

He wasn't expecting another declaration of love, though it would have been nice. Hell, it would have been _great_. Jim had heard the words uttered in the heat of passion. He'd heard them from women whose feelings he didn't reciprocate. He didn't think he'd ever hear them said sincerely from someone he cared about and when Anna said them... Jim thought that he should have been afraid (_she left me first) _but knowing that Anna Demerin loved him was-

Different.

Jim wanted to hear the words again. Wanted to hear the feeling behind them.

From her.

Instead, Anna was standing some distance away, staring at him as if he were a puzzle she were trying to figure out.

"So," Jim said, forcing a smile. "Excited about seeing your team again?"

Anna blinked.

She reached out and hit the panel, causing the turbolift to stop.

"I take it that's a no?" Jim said.

Before he could say anything else she pulled him towards her, grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him.

Instinctively his arms went around her waist and pressed her closer against him until he was sure she would have trouble breathing. It didn't seem to stop her though. If anything, she held on to him even more tightly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and he fisted her sweater, fighting the urge to yank it up. Almost all rational thought seemed to fade to white. Jim broke away from the kiss and began to press his mouth against her neck, wanting to taste her skin. Anna took in a sharp breath when he sucked at the soft flesh there and he pushed her against the wall, grinding his hips against hers, needing more leverage so that he could keep her upright while his hands went...

"Wait, wait," Anna said, sounding breathless_. _He decided her liked the way she sounded."Jim, I didn't mean-"

Jim pulled away a little, swallowed, and then pressed his forehead against hers.

"No fair," he groaned. "You didn't want to do anything this morning. Didn't even touch me during lunch and now you jump on me and want _me_ to _stop_?"

He felt her smile against his lips and he began to press soft kisses against her jaw.

"Just give me fifteen minutes," he murmured. "Maybe even ten. Turbolift will hold for that long."

"Should I even ask how you know this?" she said and he laughed, pulling away again.

"I know everything about my ship," he said. "I read the manual. Twice."

Anna pressed a hand to his cheek. The soft, cool touch cleared his mind a little, reminding him that the turbolift was under security watch. Well, he'd have to grab the video when he had a moment.

"Jim, thank you for being so patient with me these past few days," she said, closing her eyes briefly. He studied her face- at her fine, delicate features, the soft curve of her lips, the way her long lashes looked against her cheek when she closed her eyes. Jim was determined to commit every detail to memory, though she was so pale she seemed almost bloodless and the shadows under her eyes were darker and deeper than they were a day ago. This was his to remember; he wouldn't have to share this Anna with anyone. "And I'm sorry. For everything."

"We covered this already," he said. "It's water under the bridge. You don't have to apolo-"

"Jim, just accept it again, okay?" Anna said. She sounded odd, a little desperate and a little sad. "Just... just hear me out. I never expected to see you again but that doesn't mean I didn't want to. Part of me always hoped, somehow, that I'd get the chance to be with you again and I'm so glad that we had this chance to do more, to _be _more. I never imagined... You don't know how grateful I am to see you again."

"Anna, what-"

"I know I keep saying we were only kids but you knew so much more than me, understood so much more than I ever could about what we were and what we could have been," she went on. "And I love you. I always have. I'm glad I got the chance to do so again, in this way. So I'm sorry. And I love you."

Anna looked up at him for a beat longer with an expression that Jim couldn't quite read. She dropped her hands and then nodded, more to herself than to him.

For a moment, Jim could only frown. He wasn't sure how to interpret what she had just said. It seemed there was a lot more context, more underlying meaning there than the surface words. She said she loved him again, which was what he had been hoping for but he couldn't quite shake off the feeling that she was preparing him for something.

"You're scaring me a little more here," Jim said honestly, with a half-hearted smile. "That felt too much like good-bye."

"That's what Doc- Leonard said earlier," Anna said.

"Is it?" Jim asked seriously.

Anna didn't answer him but she leaned forward and laid her head on his shoulder. He felt her take a deep breath and something sharp and painful ran through his chest at how tired and resigned she sounded.

He held her until the lift beeped at them to move.

###

Jim was staring at her.

He watched from his position in front of the transporter platform as Trig bent his head down, in both deference and the need for privacy, while Anna murmured softly in his ear. His mouth was set in a faint frown and his eyes were both intense and faraway as he listened. They stood on the other side of the platform in what looked to be a fairly serious conversation; every now and then Trig would nod and respond quietly.

McCoy kept himself from saying anything as he watched Jim watching Anna. The dark look in his best friend's narrowed eyes bespoke of nothing good and though he might have been kidding himself, he thought that even Spock looked... well, mildly interested.

For her part, Anna seemed not to feel the heavy weight of Jim's gaze on her but Trig seemed to have positioned himself so that he was between the other Starfleet officers and Anna.

McCoy wasn't sure if that was intentional or a reflex.

_Likely a bit of both. _

"Captain, we are on schedule to receive our guests in approximately five minutes and twenty-two seconds," Spock said. McCoy glanced at him and Spock raised his eyebrow at the expression on his face before turning to Jim.

_Pointy-eared bastard's trying to distract Jim._

_Well, good on him._

Jim's gaze lingered on Anna for a moment before facing Spock.

"Good," he said. "I'll go see if Anna needs anything else."

Before Spock could comment, Jim turned away and began to walk across the room to where Anna stood. He heard Jim's greeting and then the words became faint as the three of them drew closer together.

"I believe Colonel Demerin would have mentioned additional requirements prior to the transport of her team," Spock said. McCoy glanced at him. "The Captain's actions are likely unnecessary and-"

"Acting dumb doesn't suit you," McCoy said. "You know why he's over there."

Spock's gaze flitted over to where Jim stood. "The Captain has assured me that he understands the conclusion you put forth in your assessment regarding the likely changes in the Colonel and the Major's psychological states," Spock said. "Indeed, I have found him to have a high degree of accuracy in gauging behavioral patterns and acting accordingly. However, I find it difficult to understand why he would intentionally force himself into a conversation where he is not welcomed."

McCoy snorted and crossed his arms, looking back at the trio. "He doesn't give two shits about whether or not he's welcome," he said. "Jim just wants to make sure he can squeeze in any last moment he can with his girl."

Trig had a faint scowl on his face and McCoy watched as the taller man looked up at the ceiling in an effort to check himself in the Captain's presence. Anna's expression was mild but open and she seemed to draw closer to Jim as he spoke. At one point, she shook her head and said something and Jim leaned closer, ducking his head and angling himself so that he was edging Trig out.

"Doctor, I fail to see how Colonel Demerin can be described as a girl. According to her personnel files, she is twenty six years-old and far from what humans consider a child."

McCoy sighed. "It wasn't a literal description," he said. "I meant Jim pretty much considers Anna _his_. As in, his woman. Like Uhura is-"

"Though I am aware of their prior emotional attachment," Spock said, neatly cutting him off, "I was not made aware it was of a romantic nature."

McCoy grinned, noticing how Spock suddenly seemed to straighten at the mention of Nyota.

"You think Jim would've announced it in that meeting?" McCoy said. "You're kidding yourself if you expect that. And before you say anything, it's not required that he state his personal business if it doesn't concern a member of his crew."

"I am surprised that the Captain and the Colonel could come to such an agreement after only one night."

McCoy tore his eyes away from the mini drama unfolding across the room and looked at Spock. "So Jim told you that they-"

"He implied it earlier," Spock said. "He did not have to go into detail. Last night, I asked the computer for his location in order to announce the Gamma shift transfer. The Captain was not in his quarters. A few hours later, I made an attempt to reach him once more but he was again, not in his quarters."

McCoy rubbed his face with one hand and chuckled to himself. "We're both a couple of gossiping hens over here," he muttered.

Spock inclined his head to the side and raised his eyebrow in inquiry.

"Nevermind," McCoy said. "Anyway, let's go over there. May as well stand together than apart."

"I agree that a semblance of unity would be a positive sight for the guests," Spock said and without warning, turned and walked towards Jim, Anna and Trig.

McCoy rolled his eyes and looked at Scotty, who sat a few feet away, eyes fixed on the panel before him.

"You didn't hear a word of that, did you?" he asked. Scotty grinned slyly as he met McCoy's eyes and shrugged.

"Hear what?" he said, attempting but failing to sound innocent. McCoy gave him a half-hearted glare before following after Spock.

"...not sure yet," McCoy heard Anna say as he stood next to Spock. She nodded at McCoy in welcome. "But if I had to guess? Ven will probably scan us as soon as he steps off the platform and then order us into your sickbay."

"Well, I'm ready for him," McCoy said and Anna smiled slightly.

"The offer is open," Jim said, staring intently at Anna. "A nice welcome dinner might be good for your team. Let them get acquainted with my senior staff."

"We'll see, Jim," Anna said simply. She looked at Trig and something seemed to pass between them. Anna's face softened and she smiled at him. Trig grinned back.

McCoy watched as Jim's face grew darker in response.

_Jealousy, thy name is James Tiberius Kirk._

"We're ready to beam them up, sir," Scotty called out and Jim glanced over his shoulder as McCoy, Spock, Anna and Trig turned to face the platform. It was odd then, McCoy realized, where they chose to stand. Anna stood at the front beside Jim. Trig stood close behind her and McCoy and Spock stood behind Jim.

_We're fallen in ranks somehow without having to think about it._

_Trig's got her back and we've got Jim's. _

"Go for it, Scotty," Jim said, before turning back.

He leaned in towards Anna and McCoy could see the faint blush on her cheek as his mouth drew close to her ear.

"Are you ready?" Jim asked.

"I think I should be asking you that question," Anna said, with a hint of challenge in her tone.

"I was born ready," Jim said, with a grin.

McCoy rolled his eyes and cleared his throat behind them. Jim glanced back at him, his grin growing even larger. He opened his mouth to say something, probably something highly inappropriate and borderline offensive, when they heard the transporter come to life.

_I hate transporters._

Four figures and a short, large box between them began to materialize on the platform. Whirling bits of matter danced around in the light until they came together in solid mass. McCoy held his breath as he always did when he had to witness the process and exhaled rather loudly when it was over. Though he couldn't see Anna's face, he could tell that she was in a state of high energy. Excitement and anticipation seemed to roll off her in waves. She stood, taut and tense as Scotty called out that they were clear. He regretted removing both her and Trig's biomonitors- he had no doubt that Anna's heart was racing at a not-healthy speed.

"Officer on deck," a female voice said and the sound of a slight shuffle caught McCoy's attention.

McCoy looked back at the transporters.

A woman and a man stood at the two lead areas on the platform, with two men at the rear and all four of them had their hands up in a stiff salute. Their uniforms, likely formal dress, were black and form-fitting. The woman wore a skirt that came to just above her knee and the man next to her wore a dark gray medical coat over his uniform. Otherwise, they were nearly identical. They were all of above average height, with slender but solid builds, and they all shared the same blank, expressionless faces.

Their halo shaped communicators gleamed in the light.

_Paloma Tanz_, McCoy thought as he looked at her short white-blonde hair and black eyes. She was a striking woman and could have been considered beautiful except she looked a bit too austere. Although he was not a particular fan of nicknames, McCoy thought that hers in particular was highly appropriate. She wore a small, gray earpiece that extended to just above her eye close to the sphenoid, and it reminded him vaguely of Uhura's mouthpiece.

The man next to her, probably Dr. Matthew ven Christie, had softer features in comparison; he seemed more stern than glacial. He was conventionally attractive, with deepset eyes and dark hair that looked a week or two away from needing a trim. McCoy thought he looked tired, though there were no outward indications of it. It was the aura he projected, as if he had spent his nights worrying instead of sleeping. Something in his eyes maybe, McCoy thought.

In any case, McCoy figured he might be a kindred spirit. Out of the four officers on the platform, he looked the least likely to rip off anyone's face with their bare hands if they looked at him the wrong way.

_He might not need to._

_Venom. Right._

The man behind him had auburn hair and shockingly green eyes. He was cat-like with high cheekbones and he had the same pretty, androgynous features that Trig had. Beside him was a younger man with blonde hair and large brown eyes. That one was an odd mixture of boy and officer and though there was something frail about him, McCoy had a feeling that it was likely a very well crafted deception.

_Alessander Levine and Benjamin Cormick._

_North and Spark. _

_Names for goddamn puppies not these... people._

They hadn't fit with what Anna had told Jim. In fact, they barely seemed like people at all. They were a little too still, too perfect to be real. Something inside McCoy recoiled at the sight of the hard-faced officers and he suddenly felt protective over his two patients. He felt as if he were releasing lambs to a pack of wolves though rationally he knew that Trig and Anna were one of _them_.

"At ease," Anna said, stepping forward. The salutes were promptly dropped and four sets of eyes looked down at her.

There was silence and McCoy felt as if everyone were holding their breaths. At least, that was what he was doing. It was a tense moment and Jim seemed coiled and ready to strike if given the chance. He looked at Spock's impassive face and thought, _to hell with it_, before taking a breath to say something- anything- to break the tension.

Anna did it for him.

"It's good to see you all again," she said. She gestured to the space in front of her.

"Now get off the platform. Don't make me tell you twice."

###


	24. Chapter 20

**AN-** Still don't own Star Trek. Shame, that.

Also, I know a month's delay is pretty harsh but I'm a workaholic and the powers that be are feeding my addiction. As always, questions are welcomed and reviews are cherished and appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 20**

_If looks could kill, I'd be dead before my next breath._

Jim raised his chin a little higher and kept his smirk firmly in place, knowing that it made him look every bit as arrogant and cocky as the gossip back planetside made him out to be. He didn't care- there was no way he was going to back down from what was an obvious threat display. Though their faces were still and oddly blank, Commanders Paloma Tanz and Matthew ven Christie stared down at Jim from their places on the transporter platform like he was something they wanted to crush.

_Crush. Maim. Kill._

_What's a little murder between Starfleet officers?_

Paloma's black eyes seemed particularly hostile. He had no doubt that if she could have hissed at him, she would have. There was something primal, almost animalistic, in her glare and Jim almost laughed in disbelief. He knew Betazoids were a mostly peaceful species, but they were also painfully honest. No matter what sort of training or drugs the FI may have provided, Paloma couldn't help but betray herself. Either that or she wanted to make it very obvious that she didn't like him. And why not? She had probably _sensed_ his feelings for Anna the moment she materialized on the Enterprise_. _Paloma Tanz _knew. _Jim knew in his gut that Paloma had already figured out his intentions and she hated him for it.

_...mineminemine..._

_I don't care who she is to you. I had her first._

Ven on the other hand, was looking at Jim with a thoughtful gaze. He seemed to be working through something in his mind and it was clear to Jim that he didn't like the conclusion he'd reached. Jim didn't miss the way the Doctor's fingers twitched at his side, where his pack lay. He was willing to bet that it wasn't just a tricorder that Ven wanted to reach for.

While Alessander and Ben looked at him with a sharp sort of curiosity, Jim perceived that Paloma and Ven were the ones to watch. Deadly snakes, the lot of them but Paloma and Ven, Anna's inner circle, were the ones most likely to strike.

_And I assumed Ven would be different. Scratch that thought._

All of this Jim Kirk understood with one look at the transporter platform and he felt a rush of anxiety and exhilaration run through him. He and Anna would get through this, the mission, Daniel, the FI, Tabernacle, _everything_ and no one would be able to stand between them.

Anna's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and there was a tone in her voice that he'd not heard before.

"Don't make me tell you twice."

There was a distinct note of command there, one that made no room for argument and her team snapped to attention. Without hesitation, they stepped off the platform but Jim didn't dare break eye contact with Paloma.

It would have been like showing weakness.

"Jim," Anna said, turning around to face him, "it's my pleasure to introduce you to my team."

Jim felt as if his grin was pasted on and he finally looked at Anna, trying to decipher the odd expression on her pale, unsmiling face. She seemed tense and he wanted to reach out to her, to soothe her somehow but he knew it would be a mistake. Any sort of gesture on his part would be unwelcomed but still... Anna's eyes were telling him to act with caution.

"The pleasure is mine," Jim said. He allowed himself a moment longer to stare into her eyes before turning towards the four FI officers. "I'm Captain James Kirk. Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise. To my left is my First Officer, Commander Spock and at my right is my Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Leonard McCoy. The man who beamed you up safely is my Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott."

Anna looked at Paloma and she clasped her hands behind her back before taking a step back. It was an odd move- a clear prompt of action without words and Jim realized that there was more information being passed between Anna and her team than was said.

"Captain Kirk, thank you for having us," Paloma said, with the barest hint of a smile. Jim thought that her dark gaze eased slightly when she glanced at Anna; the cold expression broke for a moment and Jim imagined he could see a look of disquiet on her face. "We haven't yet had the honor of being on Starfleet's flagship. I'm Commander Paloma Tanz."

Jim nodded but he didn't bother extending his hand. "Anna's spoken very highly of you."

Anna threw him a look but Paloma's not-quite-smile grew larger. "And we've read a lot about you. The youngest Captain in history. It's quite an impressive accomplishment, really."

Jim gritted his teeth. "I'm glad you think so."

"Of course. It's not everyday one goes from a cadet to a Captain in a single move. Your recruiters must have appreciated the spike in numbers."

Jim wanted to retort with, _"it's not everyday the planet is threatened"_ but before he could respond to the jab, Anna tilted her head to the side and looked at Paloma. Whatever it was she saw in Anna's face made the straight line of Paloma's shoulders drop a little. She lowered her head slightly towards the other woman as if in apology and half turned towards Ven.

Ven gave her a sidelong glance and took a step forward.

"I'm Doctor Matthew ven Christie," Ven said. His lips tilted up slightly in a more sincere expression but there was still something oddly flat about the way he looked at Jim. He was a tall man, lean but powerfully built, more so than any other doctor Jim had met before, anyway. While McCoy was far from out of shape, he would have been no match for Ven. "As Paloma said, thank you for having us."

"No problem," Jim said. "Doctor McCoy has set up an area in his bay that I hope you'll find to your needs."

"I've brought my own equipment in the likely event that it's not," Ven said. There was no malice in his tone, no overt sarcasm or taunt but Jim couldn't help but feel rankled by his words. Even Scotty seemed to sit up straighter at the offense. The Enterprise was their girl, their baby, and any dig at her was personal.

"This is Starfleet's finest ship, the goddamn _flagship _of the fleet," McCoy said, moving to stand shoulder to shoulder with Jim. Even though McCoy was broader in the chest and shoulders, Ven was taller. He looked down at McCoy without flinching, even as McCoy glared at him. "If you think that we're flying around space with a toilet for a medical bay then you've got another thing coming, kid. In fact-"

"The Federation Intelligence operates on a different level, Doctor," Ven said. His face remained emotionless. "With all due respect, it's merely the truth. Our technology is often years ahead of anything Starfleet major uses and in the medical field, often decades ahead. While I have no doubt that you tried to help the Colonel and the Major as best you could-"

"They're both alive because of the equipment on this ship!"

Ven glanced at Anna and Trig.

"And about thirty pounds lighter combined, with severe mineral deficiencies, and scarring from less advanced regenerators. Trig's shoulder wasn't set properly and Anna's stance is a bit stiff- muscle pain, I think, located around the pelvic area. That's just what I can see. Not to mention the other injuries that I can not see," Ven said. He looked back at McCoy. "So thank you for keeping them _alive_, Doctor McCoy. I've no doubt that the FI owes you a great deal. However, they're beyond your help now, as I'm sure you know."

"How dare you-"

"Ven."

She said his name softly but it made Ven freeze, surprising McCoy into a brief silence. He looked at her but Anna was staring at McCoy.

"Doctor McCoy was only limited by his lack of knowledge regarding our unique needs," Anna said, before turning to Ven. "He went above and beyond what most in his position would have done. If it weren't for him or the Enterprise, Trig and I wouldn't be standing here right now. That's no small feat, all things considered."

"Of course," Ven said. "I meant no offense."

"Like hell you didn't," McCoy spat and Jim looked at his friend with a frown. He understood how McCoy felt, even agreed with him, but despite their words Paloma and Ven had remained calm. It was unnerving but Jim didn't want to give them more fuel to use against his people because...

_They're testing us._

The thought hit him like a fist. While he had no doubt that Ven's disdain or Paloma's contempt was real, it was clear that they had enough control to simply make introductions and move on but they hadn't. Jim glanced at Alessander and wasn't surprised when the other man caught his eye and raised an eyebrow.

_Anna is letting them push us. It's why she stepped back and let Paloma and Ven introduce themselves. _

Except that felt wrong. Anna _had_ allowed Paloma and Ven to take a few verbal shots but she had stopped them before they went too far. She was walking a fine line between accommodating her officers and protecting his. And he could appreciate the fact that she still had iron control over her team despite her current state.

"Bones, please," Jim said, holding up his hand. To his relief, McCoy's scowled deepened but he said nothing further.

"Colonel?" Ven said, moving towards Anna. He reached into his side pack and pulled out a sleek black tricorder that Jim noticed McCoy eyed speculatively.

"Start with Trig," Anna said.

Ven nodded and moved towards Trig, who'd been watching the proceedings quietly behind her. Once Ven reached him, Trig grinned and lightly slapped the other man's arm in greeting.

"Good to see you, Doc," Trig said, in a warmer voice than Jim had heard from the other man before. "It's been a long week and a half."

"I bet," Ven said dryly. "Looks like you've been on a diet. Keeping your girlish figure?"

Trig laughed.

Anna stepped forward, placing herself between Jim and the two men, blocking them from his line of sight. She met Jim's eye for a moment before looking back at the remaining members of her team.

"Captain Kirk, I'm Commander Alessander Levine," Alessander said, moving from behind Paloma. His green eyes were filled with a cold sort of humor, as if he was highly amused by an inside joke.

"Good to meet you, Commander," Jim said. To his surprise, Alessander reached out with his right hand and Jim couldn't help but shake it. His grip was strong but not overwhelming and Alessander's amusement seemed to grow as he stepped back. He looked at Paloma and then at Anna. Paloma seemed to give him a look of approval, a slight brightening of her black eyes, but to his surprise Anna looked troubled.

At that moment, Ven finished scanning Trig and he touched Anna's arm, leaning forward to whisper in her ear. Whatever he said caused her face to light up and she turned around to face him, the beginnings of a smile already touching her lips. Jim could only barely hear bits of their conversation-

"...ready as soon as I can..."

"...are you sure that the formula..."

"...already given it to the others so you and Trig..."

-when a voice at his side startled him.

"...Lieutenant Commander Ben Cormick," the youngest member of Tabernacle said. Jim reluctantly tore his gaze away from Anna and Ven and turned to Ben. "I'm pleased to meet you, sir."

"Likewise," Jim said.

Though he didn't hold out his hand as Alessander had, Ben stepped forward and smiled widely. It was an unsettling expression because it seemed so _genuine_. Jim had become suspicious of any expression put forth by the FI officers- they had too much control over themselves. "You have a fine ship, Captain. I can see Doctor Larry Marvick's design touches even here."

_Spark._

_The technology specialist._

"Um, yes, Doctor Marvick was a fan of fluid lines," Jim said, frowning. He wasn't particularly interested in being drawn into a conversation about one of the designers of the Enterprise. He glanced at Anna and Ven again and was disconcerted to find that she had fully turned her back on him to focus on Ven. "He was interested in-"

"Organics, I know," Ben said. "He's been commissioned to design several of the new Constitution-class ships. I've heard he's working with the Murie team to try and increase the maximum warp speeds of the new ships to eight point one nine."

Scotty perked up, catching Jim's attention.

"Is that so?" Jim said. "Well, if you're interested, I'm happy to have someone from Engineering give you a tour of-"

"Jim, I hate to cut this short," Anna said, walking back towards him, "but I'd like to get to the Medical Bay with Ven and Trig as soon as possible."

Anna seemed excited and though she was looking at Jim, she was suddenly miles away. Whatever it was that Ven told her- and damn Ben for interrupting and his own poor hearing for not letting him eavesdrop- had clearly made her eager to leave the room.

"Of course, Anna," Jim said. He looked back at McCoy. "Doctor McCoy can walk back with you."

"Good," Anna said gratefully. She pointed at the transporter platform, where the large black box still stood. "My team brought over a few things, our operations uniforms and other equipment we'll need for the mission. May Paloma and Ben take them back to my quarters before they get settled into their own rooms?"

"Not a problem," Jim said. "My Chief of Security will take them over and he'll pass along their key codes. I can ask him to bring along a few more men."

"Ben and Paloma can manage," Anna said. "But thank you for the offer."

Jim took a deep breath and forced himself not to reach out for her. "Anna, I know you want to get settled with your team but I was hoping that maybe later we could-"

"Colonel, the sooner we get to the Medical Bay, the better," Ven said, cutting Jim off. He stood on the other side of Trig behind her and stared at Jim though he spoke to Anna. "The stabilizers have a short life and they've already been out of containment for half an hour."

Anna looked back at Ven for a moment, considering, before turning to Jim.

"We can talk later," she said. She turned to McCoy and took a step forward. "Doctor McCoy, if you wouldn't mind, we'd like to make use of your Medical Bay now."

McCoy narrowed his eyes at Ven before nodding at Anna. "Alright, let's go. I'd like to see how our medical facilities hold up to the FI's high standards."

Ven's face betrayed nothing and he remained silent. This clearly irked McCoy as his scowl grew deeper. He turned around and headed towards the door, forcing Spock to take a step back.

"Well, come on," McCoy said and Trig and Ven began to follow behind him. "I need to get back to work anyway."

"North, you're with us," Anna said, turning towards where McCoy was headed. Alessander nodded once and walked towards where McCoy had gone. "Ben, Paloma, stay here until Security arrives. I'll comm the both of you for a debrief once we're done in Medical."

"Yes, ma'am," Paloma said. She took a step forward and reached into a pocket hidden in the seams of her uniform jacket. "But before you go..."

Anna stopped and faced Paloma, her brow furrowed. "Yes?"

"Thought you might want this back," Paloma said, throwing a small metallic object at her. Anna caught it with one hand, closing her fingers down quickly. She looked at Paloma quizzically before opening her hand and peering down into her palm.

Jim could see that it was a halo-shaped communicator.

Something inside of him, the irrational, immature part of him that he probably wouldn't ever leave behind no matter how old he got, wanted to grab the Federation Intelligence communicator from Anna's hand, throw it down on the floor and stomp on it. It was just a device after all...

...but it meant that Anna was growing that much further away from him.

_Anna, don't._

_Please._

But Anna was no mind-reader. Instead, she looked up at Paloma and grinned. It was a real smile and it hurt Jim to see that it wasn't directed at him. She was truly happy about something he could only see as a threat.

Paloma seemed pleased Anna's reaction and her face softened, making her almost pretty.

"You break into my office for this, Commander?" Anna said. Paloma let out a short laugh.

"What? And risk life and limb?" Paloma said. "Wouldn't dare."

"I'm sure you wouldn't," Anna said. She closed her fist around the communicator again. "Thanks, Paloma."

"We have your dress blacks in there too," Paloma said, looking over at the container on the platform. "Pips and all."

"Looking forward to it, Ice," Anna said. She raised her fist at Paloma. "See you in a bit."

"Yes, ma'am," Paloma said. She gave Anna a half-serious salute and clicked her heels together, making her smile again. Anna turned to Jim, nodded once, and made her way quickly towards the door in an attempt to catch up with the others. He watched as she walked out and stared at the closed doors for a moment before Scotty spoke up.

"Sir, Hanlon is en route," he said.

"Thank you, Mr. Scott," Jim said. He turned back to Paloma and Ben, who were stepping up to the transporter platform towards the box. "Chief Security Officer, Lieutenant Commander Hanlon, is on his way. Spock and I will wait here with you until he arrives."

Jim felt Spock take his place alongside him. "Are you sure you don't need any help with your equipment? That looks rather heavy."

Paloma and Ben stood next to the box on opposite sides and they both looked down at Jim. The eager young man from earlier was gone entirely, replaced by a cold, blank mask. Paloma looked as if she didn't know the meaning of a smile, much less have the ability to express it.

Neither one said anything.

###

"So, none of them would win a Miss Congeniality contest, that's for sure," Jim said, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He stared out the small view from his ready room for a moment, watching the stars pass by before turning around to face Spock.

"As only one of her team members is female, aside from Colonel Demerin herself, I would agree," Spock said. Jim narrowed his eyes, swallowing down a bitter comment. He knew Spock understood he didn't mean it literally and he was in a shitty mood. "However, I understand that you are referring to the manner in which Commander Tanz and Commander ven Christie attempted to provoke emotional responses from you and Doctor McCoy."

"Yeah, Spock, that's exactly what I'm referring to," Jim said. "And yeah, they were trying to make us react. Aside from pettiness or resentment towards Starfleet, why would they bother? I don't think they're above that but there was a reason why they pushed us."

Spock tilted his head to the side thoughtfully and clasped his hands behind his back, reminding Jim of Anna's own position earlier. Jim sighed and sat down in the chair behind the big desk. He stared at the large, blank panel across the room and shook his head.

After Hanlon appeared, Paloma and Ben had picked up the large container with ease and followed him silently to Anna's quarters. Shortly afterwards, Hanlon had comm'ed Jim to let him know that Paloma and Ben were settled in their own rooms and that video surveillance had begun. According to the security detail posts which were scheduled to be sent to Jim's secure PADD every fifteen minutes, both FI officers studied their rooms carefully before settling in and reading from slates they had taken from the large container.

Jim had no illusions that Ben or Paloma were ignorant of being watched. They way they had scanned their rooms and lingered on the places where the cameras were hidden seemed far too intentional. It was a subtle way of announcing they knew the game and were perfectly willing to play along.

He leaned forward and hit the button that raised a small screen to eye level. "Computer, pull up visuals for Medical Bay, designation five-oh-six, reserved by Doctor Leonard McCoy."

Spock glanced briefly at the screen before staring back out at the view. Jim let him be; Spock would speak when he was ready.

On the screen an image of the area that McCoy had set aside for the FI appeared and Jim leaned back in his chair with a small sound of relief. Anna and Trig were sitting on separate bio beds while Ven was speaking to both of them. Behind him at the door, Alessander stood watching them like a sentinel. Though Jim could see four unfamiliar vials and two hyposprays on the counter behind Ven, it seemed as if they were only talking amongst themselves.

_Talking is good. It's when Ven decides to pick up those hyposprays that I'll start my internal freakout._

Jim put his elbows on the desk and leaned forward, looking at Anna's face intently. From this angle, she seemed healthier, her cheeks fuller; she looked as if she were completely absorbed in whatever it was Ven was telling her. It had only been a few hours ago that Jim last kissed her but it might as well have been years. She dismissed him, easily and seemingly without a second thought in the transporter room. It didn't lessen his resolve by any means though but it struck a blow.

"Captain, there are several reasons why the members of Tabernacle acted in the manner they did," Spock said. Jim looked up and shut down the link, listening. "But only one seems the most logical. You were correct in stating that while not above provocation for mere enjoyment, there was purpose in each action. I believe they wanted to observe how certain members of the present staff would react to mild stress. In your case, an attempt was made to point out the inexperience of your command as well as Starfleet's efforts to leverage your accomplishments as a recruitment tool."

Jim frowned. Spock was only speaking truth but that didn't mean Jim liked it.

"Uh huh," he said flatly. "And in Bones' case, his limitations in treating Trig and Anna."

"Correct," Spock said. "Although I found it curious that Colonel Demerin did not allow the proceedings to move further. I am sure that had she permitted them to continue, they would have gained more knowledge regarding your stress reactions."

"Okay, I can accept that," Jim said. "But why didn't they bother with you? Why stop at me and Bones? They even affected Scotty, however indirectly. But why not you?"

"Commander Tanz was wearing what I believe to be a paracortex amplifier," Spock said, seemingly apropos of nothing. "The only information I have come across on such technology was in a paper I read during my tenure at the Academy. The paper discussed the use of wave amplifiers, an aspect of the technology behind hearing prosthetics, as a basis for creating a device that would increase the empathic abilities of several species- Betazoids being one."

Jim rubbed his forehead, feeling pulled down by Spock's words.

"So what?" Jim said. "She can hear our thoughts now?"

_Did you lie about that, Anna?_

"Not necessarily," Spock said. "As a half-Betazoid, Commander Tanz would lack the genes that enable telepathy in full-blooded Betazoids. No device would grant her that ability. The paracortex amplifier can only strengthen the abilities she has, which are admittedly quite formidable."

"You heard Ven," Jim said. "The FI is years ahead of Starfleet in technology. Who's to say that the device Paloma has doesn't grant her that power? We just wouldn't know about it yet."

"For the simple fact that only she was wearing the amplifier," Spock said. "If in fact the FI did have the knowledge to create a device that would activate telepathic abilities then I would assume that all the officers, especially ones who have high ranks within the Federation Intelligence, would wear one. While humans lack the paracortex, some do have latent abilities that could be similarly manipulated."

_And the FI would certainly have screened for those abilities prior to recruitment, if that was the case._

"True enough, Spock," Jim said. "Alright, but that still doesn't explain why they left you out of the fun and games."

"I believe that they realized I would prove the greatest threat to them," Spock said calmly. "I could feel Commander Tanz attempt to reach my mind in an effort to read my emotional state but I was able to defend myself against the intrusion. She did not attempt to do so again. Also, Colonel Demerin has gone out of her way to avoid any contact with me. I believe this was intentional and that her actions were mirrored by her team."

Jim frowned and thought back to the past few days and realized that Spock was once again right. Anna kept her distance from Spock, being careful not to touch him or even pass too closely to him. While Spock had limited telepathic abilities, Anna must have realized that she was safest away from him especially in her weakened state. She had stayed close to McCoy, who, despite his true fondness for the Vulcan hid it underneath a thick, _vocal_ layer of dislike; Anna wouldn't have known that nuance of course, so she had probably sought McCoy out as a source of protection.

_Every move deliberate, every action with purpose._

Jim felt ill.

_And what was I to you, Anna? _

_What did you hope to gain from me?_

"So they wanted to see me and Bones and Scotty pissed off and they left you alone because they figured you'd be more trouble than you're worth," Jim said. "Paloma has some device that makes her even more powerful as an empath and they all hate our guts. Sounds like the next few days are going to be a barrel of laughs."

"I do not understand-"

"Sarcasm, Spock, you do understand that, don't you?," Jim snapped. He leaned on his elbows and shook his head. He understood that this was only a taste of what the FI had to offer and it worried him. Not that he didn't think he or his crew weren't up to the challenge; on the contrary- he thought they were more than prepared to play on the same level.

The problem was what the aftermath would be of a direct confrontation with Anna. What would she be willing to do or say…

_Correction. What has she done and said already to get what she wanted?_

"I am familiar with sarcasm, Captain," Spock said, raising an eyebrow. He straightened his stance suddenly and looked down at Jim with a strange expression on his face. "Colonel Demerin exhibited fear during the introductions. It was an odd occurrence since in my interactions with her, though brief in all cases, she did not experience the emotion. It seemed to make her uneasy as well, that she should feel so and I noticed that Commander Tanz took note of it."

"She was afraid of her team?" Jim said, confused. If that was that case then if he went to her _now, _before Ven gave her anything that may suppress her emotions, then maybe he could-

"No, Captain," Spock said. "She was afraid for you."

"What?"

"Earlier I stated that Colonel Demerin stopped Commanders Tanz and ven Christie from further provoking you and Doctor McCoy," Spock said. "The Colonel has an admirable sense of self-control but during that time, I do not think she was able to hold back from broadcasting her emotions. She was afraid for you and she was angry, not only at her team members, but at herself."

Spock took a step closer and lowered his head slightly.

"Jim," he said in a softer voice. "Colonel Demerin... Anna... is sincere in her affection for you. I did not have to make an effort to sense that. What she feels towards you is genuine, as she believes it to be. She is conflicted now in her loyalties, something that makes her extremely uncomfortable."

Jim's mouth felt dry and he swallowed with some effort. "You got all that in half an hour?"

"She is a very complex person," Spock said.

Jim closed his eyes, pressing his palms against the back of his eyelids.

"Tell me about it," he mumbled.

###

"North, if you would."

"Yes, ma'am."

Alessander pulled a small gray device from his pocket, dropped it on the floor and stepped down hard. The walls of the lab area McCoy had given them shimmered as if hit by a wave of hot air. It lasted for a moment and Trig stared at the effect until it disappeared.

He let out a breath and looked at Alessander, who nodded at him.

"That should take care of the surveillance vids," Alessander said, turning towards Anna. "Pretty though, no? Spark tweaked the shields specifically for the Enterprise. Thanks for getting us the blueprints, by the way."

Trig watched Anna's face closely, noticing the way the skin around her mouth seemed to tighten. Though he didn't doubt that she was relieved to see the rest of the team again, he knew that she was on edge.

He understood that feeling.

While Trig didn't care much for Kirk, he did like Doctor McCoy and had become especially fond of Scotty. Scotty was cheerful and quick to laugh; he'd been gracious to Trig during his time spent shadowing him in Engineering and he thought that if circumstances were different, they might have been good friends. It was rare for Trig to truly like someone after only a few days but Scotty's quick wit and manner made it difficult _not _to feel some sort of loyalty to the man.

_If I could only apologize before the shit goes down...._

Trig knew that he and Anna would leave the Enterprise with more enemies than friends.

_Especially if Anna decides to initiate the kill command._

The kill command was a line of code that Anna had requested from Bishop. It would absolutely destroy any reconciliation between her and Jim once and for all. Although Trig wasn't a fan of the budding relationship between her and the Captain, he didn't have a stone heart. He could only hope that Anna wouldn't feel pushed to use it because once she did there was no repairing the damage it would inflict.

"Pretty's not the word I'd use," Trig said, looking away from Anna. "Likelihood McCoy will find out we've tampered with his security system?"

"Depends on how suspicious he wants to be and how talented with his fingers he is," Alessander said. He leaned against the locked door to the small room and shrugged.

"He'd have to pull up the codes to the feeds to see any anomalies but from what you've told us about him, he wouldn't know how. So likelihood he'll catch on? Low. Even if the Captain himself were to look at a feed, he'd only see the visuals we created and he'd have no cause to think we've messed with the system, right? The sims Paloma and Ben created should hold but we didn't expect you both to be so... thin."

Alessander looked at Anna closely, concern making him frown. While they were all attached to their CO, Trig knew that Alessander especially felt the weight of a heavy debt towards Anna. He wasn't as overtly protective of her as Paloma was but Alessander felt responsible for Anna in his own way.

"Aside from that though, all anyone will see is Ven speaking to you and the Colonel and then injecting you with a hypospray," Alessander went on. "Then we all go off on our merry way and the fake feed is disconnected. Speaking of which..."

He held up his hand and wriggled his fingers at Anna. In the palm of his right hand, nearly invisible to the eye and undetectable by ordinary human touch, was a thin recorder strip.

It captured impressions of fingerprints, or anything else as fine and delicate, on one side of its surface and had an adhesive on the other. Using a synthetic agar, they could recreate prints from a broad range of species but they mostly employed the tool for planetside missions dealing with humans.

"Got the Captain's fingerprints like you asked," he said. "Another Starfleet captain to add to our database. What'd you need it for again?"

Anna pressed her lips together and shook her head. "Just a precaution. We may need to break into the ship's system. I have his security codes and those, combined with his prints, will get us in."

Alessander smiled. Anna nodded back but she crossed her arms over her chest as if she felt the need to put some sort of distance between them.

He looked at Ven who was making a quick study of the area.

"Matt, you've got an hour," Alessander said. "Let me know if you need more time and I'll activate the loop."

"I hope that won't be necessary," Anna said. She moved towards Ven, who was setting his tools down on a counter. "Will it, Ven?"

Ven turned to face her and Trig sighed inside. He couldn't help but notice the tension radiating from the other man. Anna didn't need the added burden that Ven's mood was sure to cause. More expressive than any of them even with the neurosuppressants, Ven was a study in contrasts. He had a boyishly handsome face with deep set eyes that were too old by far. When he smiled, he looked years younger but most of the time, he seemed tired and weighed down by heavy thoughts.

While they could all laugh and drink and put their missions behind them, Ven seemed unable to shake off the memories of their actions. The more narrow the escape, the more Ven seemed to withdraw and lately it seemed that only Anna could pull him out of his moods.

Trig knew that she was the center around which most of Ven's anxieties orbited. It wasn't that she pushed him hard- though she was always challenging Ven to work faster, be more creative and push the limits of his field. It was that as their missions became more dangerous, the threat of death increased exponentially. Ven truly cared for Anna and his feelings ran deep. In fact, Trig suspected...

_We've never talked about it but I _know_, man. _

_"Anna's something else, don't you think? Can't exactly go through life like that and not catch someone's eye."_

But Ven would never make the first move and Trig knew it. He was no coward but he only joined Tabernacle because Anna had asked him and he ignored his own ethics because Anna and the job demanded that of him. It was hard to be in love with someone like Anna, who always seemed poised to jump off the next precipice without a look back, especially for someone like Ven.

Because Ven... he would follow her. It was just his way. Of course, they all would follow Anna but Trig thought that Ven's reasons were perhaps the purest.

Trig didn't want to pity anyone but he felt his heart drop each time he caught his friend looking at Anna when he thought no one would notice. And now there was Jim Kirk, whose very image provided the explanation as to why she had turned to Daniel in the first place. Jim Kirk, who was likely the first and only person Anna had wanted.

Ven was a smart guy. There was no way he wouldn't have made the connection the moment he'd seen Kirk.

"Ven?" Anna said, tilting her head to the side when he didn't answer. "Do you think it will take that long for us to absorb the N-serum and the new suppressant combinations?"

Ven looked away and gestured to the vials he had placed on the counter.

"No," he said quietly. "They're programmed to your specific systems. The entire process should only take about thirty minutes."

"Good," Anna said. Her gray eyes searched his face and she took a step closer, reaching out to touch his arm briefly. "You know, McCoy's a good man. Far better than most."

"And he's an excellent doctor. I read his file," Ven said. "We had to test their emotional range. You wanted me to get a voice sample. I did."

"So you piss him off to do that? Just so I could do a good deed?" Anna said. "I just needed his timbre, pitch and vocal patterns, Ven. You didn't have to-"

"You could have died," Ven said quietly. There was no anger in Ven's voice, only disappointment and Anna winced but said nothing. Trig understood that she would let Ven chastise her, if only to make him feel better. She'd let Ven add to her guilt, even when Trig knew she had enough to worry about, because it was what Ven needed.

"You used NS5361, knowing that it wasn't fully tested or ready for real world usage and you..." Ven trailed off and picked up a vial, looking down at it in his hands. "You know what Bishop said when he found out? He was pissed at first but then he laughed and said, 'Well, you know how she is' like he was proud of you. Like I should have known."

"Matthew, I-"

"Do you know how close you were to dying?" Ven said. "I read your field report, Anna. You jumped off a cliff with a broken suit and a cracked tank, pumped full of Tressack poison. After all that, you were closer to death on this ship than you were on J-311. Your call tag would have been too appropriate."

"But I didn't die."

He set the vial back down and looked back at her. "So that makes it okay. We've gone through this too many times to count. I'm beginning to think that nothing I say will ever make a difference. You'll just do whatever you want to do, right?"

Anna looked at him calmly though Trig knew she was well within her rights to reprimand Ven.

"I do what I have to. I'm not sorry for that."

Ven closed his eyes briefly and then nodded. His entire body seemed to deflate and Trig knew that Ven felt defeated. Neither of them would get what they wanted but that was the way all conversations of this nature ended- at a stalemate.

"And you shouldn't have to be. I'm sorry," Ven said. He nodded to the two beds in the middle of the room. "Anna, Trig, please lay down on your backs. I need to sedate you both. North, I'll need you to help me turn them onto their sides once they're out so we can begin the procedure."

"Yes, Doctor," Alessander said from his post. "Security field's been activated so we're all set."

Anna stared at him for a moment and even as Trig sat down on the edge of a bed, he watched as Ven met her gaze evenly.

"You know why I did it, don't you?" she said quietly. "Why I had to and why I couldn't wait for it to be perfected."

Without answering, he turned around. Anna hesitated, staring at his back with an almost hurt expression on her face before making her way towards the other bed. She looked at Trig and Trig nodded back. It was his way of telling her that he understood.

_I'll always have your back, Colonel. No matter what._

_Even if I agree with Ven._

Because his loyalty would always remain with her.

As they both lay down, Ven walked over to Anna's bed with a few vials and a hypospray in his hand. Trig turned his head to look as Ven attached vital pads to Anna's temples. From the counter, he heard the beep of the monitor come to life as it took in Anna's information. Ven lowered the hypospray and pressed it gently to the side of her neck; he gazed down at Anna with a sad look.

"I trust you with my life and the lives of the people in this team. I just wish I could trust you with your own."

"You can," she said. Her eyes began to flutter as the sedative took effect and she drew in a deep breath. "Ven, you can."

Anna closed her eyes so only Trig and Alessander witnessed Ven shake his head.

"No."

###


	25. Interlude: Other Lives

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay. Not sure if anyone's still reading but here's the latest.

**Interlude:**

**2260**

_Jim,_

_As always, it is a pleasure to hear from you although I must admit that I am hesitant to respond to the question posed in your last transmission. _

_You must remember that my time, the universe which I come from and the life that I led, does not and should not have any weight upon your own. It is my most sincere wish that the events and emotions you experienced during my admittedly hurried attempt at a mind-meld on Delta Vega have no effect over the decisions you make now. They should not be your roadmap in this life, nor should they be your shackles. I know you think it unnecessary but again, I apologize._

_I do not know the reason why you have only now chosen to ask this of me though I have my suspicions. It is with some trepidation that I give you my answer. _

_I knew of an Anna Demerin in my time. Doctor McCoy had a brief correspondence with her prior to his tenure at Starfleet Academy. It was one of his very few regrets that they were not able to meet in-person. _

_Anna Demerin was born and raised in New York State. Considered a child prodigy, she excelled in mathematics. However, instead of pursuing an obvious career she became a respected biologist of no little fame. Her work in nanotechnology, specifically with regard to neurological disorders, was highly regarded. She was a prolific writer and her research led to numerous advances in biotechnological treatment protocols._

_She died in 2260 of a blood infection at the age of twenty-six. She was survived by a husband and a son. _

_These are the facts of her life as I remember them. _

_The following is not fact- you must remember this._

_There were rumors that she had ties with Starfleet Intelligence and the creation of biological weapons. I did not delve too deeply in those matters although I did hear in passing that her death may not have been natural, as was reported. While I gave no credence to these rumors, I will note that a few months after her death, the head counsel of Starfleet Intelligence was brought to trial for ordering a genocidal strike against_ _a unnamed alien faction. Starfleet Intelligence, as it is now, was quite powerful and the charges were dropped. Leonard had mused once that if indeed Doctor Demerin was working with the organization, they would have retaliated for the death of such a valuable resource._

_I'm afraid Leonard was given to gossip; he was as fond of reciting it as he was of receiving. In truth, I miss him dearly._

_I understand that in this time there exists an Anna Demerin who grew up in your hometown of Riverside. Based on your line of questioning, it is only logical to assume that you and Anna are connected. Also, I cannot help but notice that the date of her death in my time and the current date are drawing to a juncture. _

_My friend- what has happened in that other reality is not necessarily a precursor to events here. Though you are not the same person, I fear you share the same impulsiveness and loyalty possessed by the James Kirk I knew. Anna Demerin may have died in the 2260 of my time but that does not mean the same now will be true. Please consider this point as I suspect that your concern for your friend may lead you to unwise actions on her behalf._

_I wish you well, Jim. Please relay my greeting to my younger counterpart and to the good doctor. _

_Be safe._

_-Spock_

###

**2257**

"I know what Shiri told you before we left."

Matthew leaned against the entry way to the lab and watched as Anna studied tissue samples on the electroscope sheet. While part of him was irritated that she wasn't at home resting as she should have been, as he'd _ordered_ her to, he wasn't surprised. Anna didn't unwind like the rest of them did. In fact, most times it seemed that she barely needed to rest at all.

"Of course you do," Anna muttered, without looking up. She showed no sign of being startled by his presence and her hands were steady as she slid the sheet past the bio-field and into the scanner. "I put it in my report. Everyone knows what the High Priestess predicted."

She was wholly focused on the task before her but Matthew had no doubt that she was aware of his proximity. He had seen the very slight way Anna's head tilted to the side when he stepped through the lab entrance and the way her neck muscles tensed as he made his way towards her. She often feigned ignorance or indifference as a tactic to disarm people but Matthew knew better. The more detached or apathetic she seemed, the more the opposite was true.

"You know, you're being remarkably calm for someone who's been told that they only have three years to live."

"Actually, she said I'd die before the seventh year of my second decade," Anna said, adjusting the sheet slightly. She glanced at the screen above her and moved the sheet to the left. "It was really rather poetic. Then again, the Lhashars are known for their poetry."

Matthew huffed and almost rolled his eyes. It was hard to deal with her when she was determined to act as if nothing bothered her. It was difficult to tell whether she was truly unconcerned with the High Priestess' prophecy of death or if she was fighting against it. Anna didn't wear her emotions on her sleeve and it was only by virtue of having had known her for years that Matthew knew she was troubled.

_But about what?_

"So you don't believe any of it," Matthew said. "You defy augury, is that it?"

"'_If it be not now, yet it will come_,'" Anna recited. "Lovely. Now you're referring to Hamlet. You've been hanging around North too much, Ven."

Matthew shook his head. "You may not be worried Anna, but we are. Your friends are."

"Bishop had the research team analyze the wording of the prophecy and look into the history of the Lhashtashar," Anna said, still not looking up. "You know as well as I do that most pre-cogs have limited sight. The nerd squad said I had nothing to worry about. Shiri's abilities only extend as far as her people are concerned. We're light-years away from them, Ven. Out of sight, out of mind."

"So does that mean you're a blind idiot?"

Anna's lips curled up into a half smile but she continued working.

"Ouch. I could reprimand you for insubordination, you know."

"And I could file a complaint against you," Matthew said lightly. "Failure to submit to a direct order by the Tabernacle medical officer."

"Stalemate, then," Anna said. "Except I did comply with your orders. I rested. When I was done, I came here to finish up this experiment. No use in letting it sit around gathering dust."

"You took a twenty minute nap in the past two days. That doesn't count as resting."

"Let me guess- Paloma tipped you off," Anna said. She punched in commands on the console, her brow slightly wrinkled with concentration.

"No, that was me and Trig," Matthew said. "Bio-sensors coming in and out of your apartment and your HQ room. You should know that your neuroactivity patterns are off."

"Duly noted, Doctor," Anna muttered.

"Paloma was the one who tipped me off to the bad dreams."

At that, Anna sighed and closed her eyes briefly. She turned the scanner on and finally faced Matthew, pulling off her gloves and her eye protectors. She placed them on the counter beside her without glancing down, her gray eyes fixed on his.

"I guess I should be flattered," Anna said. "I'm still waiting for you to mention the tracking device in my communicator, by the way. I expected more from the both of you."

"We weren't trying to hide them," he said, moving forward. "I'm surprised you didn't bring them up sooner."

"I'll go home after I run these diagnostics," Anna said. "Look, you can give me a sedative if you really want to and I'll even let you keep the toys up around my home. At least until the next mission. I'm fine, Ven. Really."

Her tone was sharp but her normally impeccable appearance showed signs of strain. Matthew could see the faint blue of veins under her skin and the vessels in the sclera of her eyes were dilated. He had no doubt that Anna could keep going, keep charging through the hours like a robot, but she no longer had to. After all, her team was safe and their last mission was complete. Yet there was something else weighing on her mind that prevented her from being able to turn it all off as usual.

His hesitance must have shown on his face because she crossed her arms and leaned on the counter as the machine behind her whirred.

"Look, Shiri was just pissed that I decided not to stick around to be her FI plaything or her adopted daughter or whatever the hell it was she thought I could be. She was angry and she decided to give me a reading and some sort of vision of another life I could have had. It's all smoke and mirrors, Ven. Prophecies of death from alien creatures are vapors- you'd be smart not to chase them."

An image of the High Priestess of the Lhashtashar flashed through Matthew's mind's eye: small and fragile, with pale gray skin and a soft, almost sweet smile. She had been incredibly old and apparently very wise. He hadn't liked her- there was nothing to like about a creature that would offer the lives of her rivals for a trade agreement with the UFP. Still, she was a powerful seer who had taken an interest in Anna. Something about the Colonel had struck the Priestess' fancy and when Anna turned down her invitation for an extended stay, Shiri had given her a "gift".

Paloma once told him that in ancient German, the word gift also meant poison.

_She gave Anna a reading and..._

"What vision?" Matthew said suddenly. "I don't remember you mentioning a vision when I looked you over."

Anna rolled her eyes and sighed.

"The one I reported to Bishop but locked," Anna said, "because I knew you and everyone else would react badly to it."

His unease grew to a near panic at the thought of Shiri had done. Neurosuppressants typically reacted badly to any sort of telepathic interference and he hadn't yet been able to pin Anna down for a full physical. There could be a bomb in Anna's head, just waiting to go off. For all the FI's training and bio-engineering, they really were fragile creatures. It was hard to track for all the variables even though Anna pushed him to perfect each version.

"Paloma didn't say Shiri touched you. What did she show you?" Matthew demanded. He stopped himself from pulling out his tricorder and scanning her at that moment but just barely. "Jesus, Anna, if it's anything like a Vulcan meld, you're in for some serious mind-fuck issues because-"

"It was nothing like that. Calm down," Anna said and there was no mistaking the order in her voice. Matthew took a deep breath but clenched his jaw, willing her to go on.

"Shiri's strong," Anna said after a short pause. For the first time since they started talking, she looked uncomfortable. "She didn't need to initiate physical contact to show me... what she did. It was a form of mental projection. Bishop thinks it was a ploy. She thought I'd be interested in preventing my death in this life by staying with her. When I didn't, she decided to show off a little more of what she could do."

It made sense then. It explained the rage that Paloma felt towards the Lhashtashari. She had said that Shiri's gift had been meant in earnest goodwill and that the other creature had felt _pity _towards Anna. As if she were doing her a favor.

Matthew knew in his gut then that Bishop was wrong. It hadn't been a ploy or a chance to show off- Shiri had meant everything as a sort of twisted kindness_. _It made Matthew hate her even more and did nothing to lessen his worry.

"What did Shiri show you?" Matthew pressed on. "That's why you've been on edge since we got back, right? I don't even know what to tell you, Anna. I can't believe you didn't say anything this whole time. Did you even consider what could have happened? You could have crashed and I wouldn't have known how to properly treat you."

"I scanned myself before we even left the planet, Ven," Anna said. "You had your hands full with making sure everyone else was-"

"_You're_ my first priority," Matthew said firmly.

Anna closed her mouth and stared at him.

As soon as he said the words, he felt his cheeks begin to flush but he stopped his reaction from continuing further. It was true that as the team medical officer, Anna was at the top of his list in terms of treatment and she knew this. But there was an unspoken implication in his statement that went beyond duty.

Anna studied him in silence and he felt her gaze like it was a physical thing. She was only twenty-three; not the youngest lead ever of a special ops team within the FI but certainly one of them. Despite her youthful appearance though, there were times when she seemed far older than her years. She very rarely smiled and when she did, there was an odd bitter cast in her face. She wasn't the same girl, who at twenty-one aimed a phaser at the head of her commanding officer; brave enough to defy his orders but scared that she would stand alone in doing so...

As the years passed, she grew more withdrawn and distant, drawn further into a world of secrets as Bishops pushed her up the ranks.

There were many who thought Bishop was interested in religion but the truth, as Matthew saw it, was that that he was a chess player. Anna was one of his winning pieces, his protégé, and it was clear he was grooming her for a role in Starfleet Intelligence. They all understood that the more Anna knew, the less she could tell them but she led Tabernacle with a firm hand. If Bishop was moving to elevate her role, then she would take them with her... but the weight of command was one she'd have to bear alone. Nothing Matthew, Trig or Paloma could do would change that.

Guilt mingled with worry and anger made Matthew's stomach churn. He chose not to take as many suppressants as the rest of the team did but not for the first time did he re-consider his decision.

Matthew took a deep breath and forced himself to look her back in the eye. "I only meant-"

"I had a son," Anna said simply. Her face was carefully blank and her gray eyes watchful, as if anticipating his reaction. "And a husband. In another life. Some alternate reality where my father never moved us to Iowa because the Eco-Reclamation period happened much later in time. I grew up in the east coast and I died there too, Ven. Same age."

Another long silence passed them and Anna's gaze never dropped. She was clearly waiting for him to say something, waiting for his defiance of Shiri's vision but he knew she didn't need that. And he knew that she was drifting further apart from the rest of them, no matter how hard they tried to hold onto her.

No matter how much she didn't want to.

_And this is all my fault. My greatest regret. _

_Why I joined Tabernacle. I owed her that much and more. _

Matthew lowered his eyes and looked at the screen. "So what are you working on? Do you need my help?"

Anna's eyes widened and then she smiled slightly. Her face shifted into an almost soft expression and something inside of him ached at the change. Anna Demerin wasn't completely gone then.

Not yet.

"I'll always need you, Ven."

###


End file.
